. " I just do my best to pretend to be normal and the adderall helps me fake it better." a quote taken from ellameno. (HI, ellameno)
I wanted to ask a question about this to all who have ADHD, if you feel comfortable enough to answer it. I know my ADHD husband has worked so hard at "trying to be normal" or at least trying to be like "everybody else". I think he KNOWS he's not like other people, and that's why he continually puts up a "front" or "a false self of who he would LIKE to be, or who he "thinks" he is. But, everyone can SEE that he's not the person he portrays himself to be.
I would LOVE it, if one day he would let his guard down enough to talk to me as the REAL person he is, not "this other person". The "other person" is a genius, with a genius IQ, and has a type A personality, and isn't a MORON like the rest or the people he knows. He's almost omnipotent and elevates himself to a higher level than the rest of us. (I think he has more than ADHD going on)
Anyway, here's the QUESTION: Do most of you who have ADHD, try to "act" normal.....and/or try to "hide" the fact that you have ADHD? How does it bother you, and/or what do you see as the "good" things about it.
Thanks ahead of time.
trying to be normal
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
Looks like you asked this question a week ago and no one replied - so I will give it a shot. I am an ADHD husband. The short answer to your question is "yes," I do try to act like I am normal. Think about it for a minute - isn't this just human nature? No one likes to be thought of as a "moron," "idiot," "retard," whatever the derogatory term. So yes, we do try to fake it, and do try to be like everybody else, not only because we don't appreciate being laughed at, but also because we recognize that other people do not have to deal with ADHD problems and we are trying really hard to develop healthier habits. Also, many of us have spent our entire lives dealing with the criticism of others for failing at stuff that normal people find easy. So it should not be difficult to understand why it is that we are not very open with even our spouses about these inadequacies - we have been taught time and time again that when they come out for discussion, we find ourselves the subjects of ridicule, criticism, and misunderstanding. I can tell just by your question that you don't fully understand this, so you should not be surprised that your husband is reluctant to "let his guard down." Do you get on his case for his ADHD symptoms? Do you nag him? Do you call him names? Perhaps worst of all: do you tell him that he is "just not trying"? One final anecdote. When I was a kid back in the early 70s, it was common to make fun of kids who wore glasses, especially the thick ones with the horn rims. I don't know if this still goes on or not. But I distinctly remember times when a kid would not wear his glasses to school just to avoid the ridicule, and then go around telling everyone that he/she could see just fine! Even telling the teacher this when it was obvious that the chalkboard was just a big blur. My point is this: that there is only so much we can take, and don't be surprised if it takes a long time to be able to trust anyone with our inadequacies.
Regarding your other two questions - how does ADHD bother me? The most troublesome thing for me is unfulfilled potential, or underachievement. I have a very high IQ, and a very creative mind that is capable of making connections among concepts that my inferiors never could. My problem is that it is difficult for me to turn this ability into a finished "product" consistently (I teach and write for a living). I have a friend from graduate school that is the opposite - smart enough I guess, but an extremely hard worker who is never distracted from the task at hand or bored by the detail work of actually completing a project. (When we go to conferences together, he always makes our hotel and registration arrangements, ha ha). I am not sure what you are tying to say about your husband and his allegedly genius IQ - that he really is not very smart and is making this up, or that it is a fact and he feels that this fact must be made public as often as possible (to your annoyance). In any case, I hope my comments here help to explain why he would do this. He may be trying to compensate for the fact that most people just assume he's an idiot because of his ADHD symptoms, and this is his way of saying "no I'm not."
The good things about ADHD? Very hard to answer this, because I have never been without it - so there is little basis for comparison. But when I observe other people, including my wife, I sometimes wonder how they can get any joy out of life when they are so (seemingly) obsessed with the most boring and mundane things. So I would guess that, as an ADHD person, I always feel very ALIVE. Best wishes to you and your husband.
Your last comment is helpful
Submitted by bchamp on
Your last comment is helpful to me. "I always feel very alive." My husband is not only ADHD, but very creative as well. He seems very alive... I, on the other hand, and a practically minded, think before proceeding, very tired mother of three young children. It is very hard to understand him, and he definitely doesn't seem to understand where I am right now. You're comments help me get a glimpse of him. Thank you.
Oh my goodness...
Submitted by ellamenno on
I've been away for months! Yes, that's my quote, and yes... I spend much of my energy 'trying to appear normal.'
I feel like I am under constant scrutiny and it is a relief to be around people who do not know that I'm 'stupid.' I cannot let my guard down while around my husband any longer because the stakes are too high now. He's been too frustrated for too long with all the little things. I dont' pretend to be someone else, but I still am constantly 'checking' myself to make sure I haven't left something in the wrong place etc.
That feeling of 'being alive' that I guess comes from ADD - I have pretty much lost that completely. I'll catch glimpses of it sometimes if I have a performance or collaboration with other musicians, but I have not felt alive in my relationship or in my own home for about 4 years now. The crushing responsibility of being a mom, dealing with the household stuff/kids plus constantly hustling for work. It has completely sucked the life out of me. I am often late getting out the door these days, not because I'm unaware of the time, but because I know that while I am at work, my husband will come home and look around and get annoyed at something left on the counter etc.... so I spend an extra 5-10 minutes to 'cover my tracks' as it were to make sure the apartment is tidy. Yes, I realize that I should put the scissors back the second I'm finished using them, and that's what the majority of people can do. But it doesn't happen. At least now I am AWARE that I will make these kinds of mistakes and try to build in a coping strategy so that I cannot walk out the door before 'checking' the apartment.
Unfortunately though, the more stressed I am and the more sensitive I am feeling to DH's criticism, the more 'dopey' I get. The other day I was preparing for an audition, going to several meetings, bringing the kids to/from school... when DH came home he went to the kitchen and a couple of minutes later he said, "Did you put the eggs in the freezer?" I didn't believe it... but then, yes... I could. I went in the kitchen and there he was holding up the carton of frozen-solid eggs. Busted. He asked, "Do you REMEMBER doing this at all?" I said no. and truly I had no recollection. IF I DID, WOULD I HAVE DONE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?????" I burst into tears, apologized and admitted that I have no control over crap like that and it scares me to death.
Now, most people wouldn't be that upset about a dozen eggs. After all, you can always buy more. Unless you are completely broke. So, I had to tell my kids that no... even though I'd promised them pancakes and they'd been waiting two weeks, that we couldn't have them because mommy did something stupid. Again.
ellamenno
Submitted by Standing on
Your post broke my heart this morning. ANY frazzled mom could have put the eggs into the freezer. I am not adhd, but I have surely had plenty of times through which I'm functioning without proper consciousness. In my opinion, your husband needs to give you a break!!! Sounds to me like all the stuff you are juggling would put anyone into high stress mode and that's when mistakes happen. They are Mistakes, NOT stupidity. Please be gentle with yourself.
Thanks, Standing.
Submitted by ellamenno on
Just to clarify: My husband wasn't yelling at me about the eggs, he was simply astonished that someone could do something like that and have no recollection. In a way, it would be easier if he were simply angry. Now it seems he is repulsed by me, and afraid of what I might f*ck up next. Just as *I* am always living in fear of what I might f*ck up next,.
I am just trying to survive as best I can for my kids. They know something is wrong though because mommy is always stressed out/making more mistakes/crying/tired. I try to hide it, but they know. My 5 year old is acting out: Anytime she wants attention or is frustrated she bites me. She bites me so hard that I've got bruises up and down my arms. It looks as though my husband beats me. Seriously. I've talked to the pediatrician about it and we're trying to correct the behavior with various discipline tactics, with mixed results. She has had no TV for 2 weeks now because of the biting, but of course that means that I get no 'breaks' to cook dinner or sleep past 6:30am on weekends. She came in this morning and asked if she could watch a cartoon (the kids have off from school today) but DH said no, so that meant I had to get up and play with her at 6:30am after being up til 2am working on my website posting classes & promotions. She is a very needy child: always wants someone to be playing with her. My older daughter will just disappear with a book. now, that's a kid who is tremendously smart, but I can already see she will fail miserably as I did without constant management of her ADD. No, she has not been diagnosed, but I know already. It's painfully obvious. My husband is in denial so far and I won't push him into believing it, because at this point she's too young/underweight for meds anyway.
well - gotta get off the computer and try to drum up business/apply for more jobs.
Ellamenno
It's funny about ADHD people who claim they are geniuses and have unrealistic talents. I don't claim to be a genius. I don't claim to be talented. I have been TOLD I am creative, talented and smart. There are things I can do easily that impress some people. But they are all useless things. When I was a child, I tested 'off the charts' on IQ tests. The first time I was tested the teachers thought there must've been a mistake, so I was tested again. When the second score came back higher, they decided I was some sort of genius. However, I was never able to apply myself beyond the initial 'hyperfocus' phase of anything I ever did.
that silent revulsion is worse than yelling
Submitted by Standing on
Your husband sounds like he
Submitted by copingSAH on
Your husband sounds like he is a micromanager and does not see all the effort you are making to keep the household running (while he's telling you to do this and that). It seems imbalanced and you walk on eggshells which seems to ramp up his compulsion to catch you. He needs to appreciate your efforts.
I think all men grow up with moms who made meals miraculously appear and all nightmares miraculously disappear. So when they're adults, they seem to have this notion that all the household stuff like cooking, cleaning, running everything else miraculously appears as usual. My dh (as a man) does not seem to realize how much effort I prepare all our meals from scratch. He will go "just like my mother made" (ugh! am I his mother or his partner??). And unfortunately, they live out their adulthood with this attitude.
When anyone is distracted or have too much on their mind, they'll inadvertently put eggs in the freezer :) I just walked by the trash can earlier this week, and found a pair of socks in there. The hamper was several feet away but with so much on my mind re my marriage, I just put the socks in the trash, it wasn't deliberate. Just like putting your eggs in freezer isn't deliberate.
What a relief!
Submitted by ellamenno on
...to know that 'normal' people throw socks in the garbage, too! But, I bet you don't throw forks away by accident. Like... so often that you are down to two forks one day? Do you freeze your car keys? I like to do that. Especially on days I buy ice cream and triumphantly remember to put the frozen stuff away first!
I can't really accuse my DH of being a micro-manager. He's more of a macro-manager, because I have so much trouble seeing and/or understanding the big picture. But he gets frustrated when I make mistakes that will 1) slow things down 2) waste money that we don't have (due to my failure to find enough work). He is aware of how much time and effort it takes to cook meals from scratch, because he's the one who taught me how to cook, really. (I'm afraid my mom, bless her, is a terrible cook!) He does a lot more parenting than a lot of dads do (he takes both kids to school in the morning and takes my daughter to after school activities).
He's been better lately about not criticizing me or snapping about dumb things I do wrong because I've explained to him that when I feel attacked I shut down and it becomes pretty much impossible for me to function.
I so desperately want to prove to him that I can handle it all... but then, of course I prove over and over again to him and to myself that no... actually I can't handle it all. Today I set a goal for myself: I would help my daughter get her homework done before he got home today. I struggled for two hours with her - whining, not listening, purposely writing sloppily, purposely dropping her pencil etc.... I finally had to just stop because I was frustrated and she was frustrated and my other daughter was being neglected and we had to go outside. I try all the same things my husband has had success with in terms of talking to her and getting her to do what needs to be done, but even when I use the same exact words, I always get bulldozed. I know it's because my kids don't respect me. And they don't respect me because they see me as weak because I'm always screwing something up, so why would you listen to mommy for homework help? What does SHE know?
Anyway- I've got to get to bed. I'm exhausted and rambling.
Thanks everyone for the kind words!
ellamenno
This touched me ellamenno!
Submitted by c ur self on
This made me cry...I'm a grown man for Pete's sake;)....If I was your husband we would have had pancakes...cause I would have rushed and got you more eggs...:)....All any of us want is to accepted, and to be loved...I don't give a crap about add...my wife didn't ask for it, and we will get through it...But, just be honest with each other....Thanks for your honesty...It's refreshing....
Aw, shucks! unfortunately though....
Submitted by ellamenno on
...if you were my husband, you still couldn't buy eggs because we had no cash at all between us, and we can't put $3 on a credit card. If we picked up another item to make it to the $10 minimum for credit cards at the store down the block, then we'd be wasting that money. It aaaaallll adds up.
I still believe that I can get enough work for us to survive, but it's taking longer than I'd hoped/predicted. I just hope I can make it before we have to pull the kids out of school.
It can pile up....
Submitted by c ur self on
I sure hope y'all can get your finances stablized...In my younger days...(child raising years)...It was hand to mouth many times...So, I pray you get through that trial...
Blessings....