I have been a member of this website for a while now and continue to visit regularly even though I am no longer with my ADHD partner. The main reason I continue to come here is because I believe this is a supportive community full of strong, strong people who work so hard everyday to make the sometimes impossible, possible. I come here because you all provide me with a certain comfort and understanding that is hard for others to grasp that have not dealt with the relationship issues we have.
With this said, I am having a hard time not finding ADHD attributes in each new person I date. See, after a long time I am back in the dating world and my biggest fear is falling in love yet again with someone with ADHD. On it's face I know that comment sounds harsh but it's actually a negative statement against me, not my ex-ADHDer. What I learned from my ex is that even though I am strong, I am not strong enough to be a good support system for someone trying to overcome obstacles they may have with ADHD. However, I will say this....my ex-ADHDer had an extreme case. He was hyperactive and inattentive and grew up in a household that only fostered these traits to their upmost negative. Even though I tried my hardest to be a support system for him he, at the end of the day, never fully grasped how big the "problem" was in the first place.
Back to my point. I have met a few men and if I think I may like them even a little bit, I start looking for ADHD traits. You know, oh they always seem to be 5 minutes late, they must have ADHD. Or it's taking them so long to call me back, they must have ADHD. I know that most of this comes from my own nutty-ness but I also truly believe that I have more than the average bear of ADHDers in my life (because of my personality).
Now I have met a guy that I could really like but he, just last weekend, moved 4 hours away. I live in Colorado so 4 hours here is a bigger deal than say people who live in a state that have mostly flat land and not a lot of snow. Obviously it will be a challenge on both our parts to make this work. But I am on the ADHD wagon with him. He carriers a lot of traits and in some ways reminds me of my ex. He seems hyperactive and distracted and....etc.
I guess what I am asking all of you is any words of advice you may have...kind of an internet counseling session. It's cheaper this way :) I want to fall in love again, I want to move on with my life. Do any of you have a hard time not seeing ADHD in everyone? Any support or slaps across the head would be great!
Thank you!!
Honestly, I have a hard time
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Honestly, I have a hard time not seeing ADD in MYSELF sometimes. I was telling my husband the other day that the forms I was filling out, as an observer, for his ADD evaluation asked if he was messy. We chuckled and then he looked at me and said "are you ADD?" to which I responded "I really wonder sometimes!"
I have a sister who is ALWAYS late for everything...but I'm fairly certain she doesn't have ADD. I know people who are forgetful, but don't have ADD. I think if you look at the majority of adults we'd all have a trait or two, but that is just personality and not an actual disorder. Since you're willing to admit that you aren't strong enough to be supportive in an ADD relationship, I think it is wise of you to try and pay attention to more of the details of the people you date. However, it is impossible to know if they don't come right out and tell you they've been diagnosed (some may not be diagnosed, but have it, of course) so I suppose with any person who is in the dating scene, it will just take time and patience to figure things out. I have very little dating experience so I pretty much only know 'hyperfocus' dating. My only other experience was with a HUGE Momma's boy....don't recommend that either. LOL
I wish you all the best!
Seeing ADHD
Submitted by Hoping4More on
Just a guess, but I'm thinking if they are showing signs of ADHD while dating they probably do NOT have ADHD. If they did, they would most likely be in the hyperfocus stage, NOT forgetting to call you, NOT being late, etc.
Hoping has a point there
Submitted by Clarity on
Hoping has a point there about the hyper focus...
This has always been one of my thoughts about divorcing my ADD spouse, I'd probably attract another adder. Oddly enough, I meet admitted adders often enough that it seems odd. Yes, I've wondered if I'm ADD but I know if I do it's entirely "environmental" having lived with it for almost 30 years. I've read that we all have ADD moments but for real adders, it's chronic! Anyway, I know what you mean, I think I have Addphobia! Too bad we can't request a resume, references and medical records to prescreen people before we let them enter our lives. Geesh! Sorry, but it's been a long haul for me, I'm so craving a quiet, logical atmosphere I can thrive in!
You know, if he reminds you of your ex, maybe divine intervention moved him 4 hours away...
ADD Traits
Submitted by ADD Husband on
I am a male with ADD and I will try to provide some insight if possible :):
Those are what I could come up with in a short time I have other thoughts from living with ADD but will be another time got to move on to another task :P. I know it's not a quick list of attributes or even an easy answer, but hopefully it helps.
Here is a great link that I found a while back on some of the mechanical theories/facts behind why people have ADD and the dysfunctional elements in the Pre-frontal Cortex of the brain. If you just look at what the Pre-frontal Cortex is and what it is responsible for it provides a pretty good quick list of behavior and character elements you can try to observe in future relationships. One thing to keep in mind is there have been studies that while ADD is a lack of activity in the Pre-frontal Cortex bi-polar is an overactivity of dopamine and other receptors in that same area. The symptoms while not exactly the same can look the same in the short term.
http://www.psychnet-uk.com/readers_articles/adhd_general.htm