Submitted by mgilly30 on 05/18/2008.
My wife and I have been seperated since January. I have ADHD, and it has affected every aspect of our marriage, procrastination, anger, listening,communication, depression, and no stability. We first seperated, and it was going to be a 6 month seperation, and I was ok with that. I needed to continue to improve on myself and she needed to heal with all the things I let her down with. She was in no hurry to get a divorce, and then the first of Feb she all of a sudden said she wanted a divorce. I have learned since then that she has been seeing another man. She has not filed for divorce yet, but I can't get her to go to counseling. She has a lot of anger, and she said she can't forgive me. We have a daughter together that is 3 yrs old, and she has 2 girls in a previous marriage.
I understand my wife and why she feels the way she does. I also know that her heart is so hard right now, and I hope and pray it will soften. She has a lot of people telling her that she should divorce me. This is a very difficult situation because I know my wife doesn't understand what I go through everyday and the challenges ADHD has on my daily life. She has never accepted my ADHD, and I never did until about 2 months ago. I thought that I would be fine, but the struggles comtinued. I will never make excuses for my ADHD, but I know that our marriage can be saved with a lot of work.
I have been improving with acceptance of ADHD, couensiling, coaching, and God. I don't know that she see's improrovements, because she never says anything. The relationship she has is affecting her going to couensiling, and it has been the big reason why she wants a divorce. I need help and I am open for suggestions. I love my wife more than anything, and I love the girls. I have forgiven myself and her for my past failures. I just pray that her heart will soften and she will be open to couensiling.
Thank You
I am so sorry. I don't think
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
I am so sorry. I don't think
Submitted by mgilly30 on
Other man complicates your situation
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
This isn't something you don't know already, of course. But your wife is probably experiencing a less complicated relationship with the other man she is dating than she has with you. This will seem like a breath of fresh air to her - at least for a while - until that relationship forms its own complications.
I agree with one of our readers that your best bet is to continue to go to counselling, but I would add that you aren't working on your marriage in this counselling any more, but on your ADD. This may mean a change of counsellors, depending upon who you are with right now.
You can't control either your wife's actions or her feelings, but you can build yourself into a person who is happy with himself again. That will most likely ease your relationship with your wife, which would be a good outcome, even if you don't get back together again as a couple, because you have a child together and will always have a relationship as a result. The better the treatment you get for your ADD, the less difficult that relationship will likely be.
The point that your wife is in right now is very difficult for you - and a hard heart means that she isn't likely to find forgiveness or empathy any time soon. I would venture that she also doesn't want to hear that she can help save the marriage with a lot of hard work. From her perspective (and I'm not saying it's right because she contributed to your downfall as a couple as much as you did) she thinks she's already done a lot of hard work and she's tired of hitting her head against the wall. She wants a "different" you, or to escape completely to a different relationship, not a lot more work.
Having lots of people telling her to divorce you (including the boyfriend, I suspect) doesn't help, either.
I don't have any amazing hints for how to get out of this one, unfortunately, other than to say keep working on getting your ADD symptoms under control, and make sure that she is aware that you are doing it. (If she doesn't "believe" in ADD, then just focus on the symptoms that you are improving - like distraction or organization - rather than on the name ADD).
Melissa Orlov
Other Man Complicates situation
Submitted by mgilly30 on