So this is my first post . Wrote on my phone sorry for the punctuation !

I have had adhd my entire life and am on medication. 

I never thought that my adhd effected my life on a large level besides at work but in the last 6 months my marriage has been torn and we are trying to repair it .

We have been married for 4.5 years together for 8.5 we met when I was 17. I never dated before I met him and we fell in love fast. We have had a very up and down relationship . For the past 6 years our relationship has been one sided. I worked hard to keep it all together and he was absent , played video games never wanted to do anything or share life with me. I would always go everywhere alone and make up lies or excuses as to why he wasn't there . Even with church he wouldn't go and of if would say he would he would find a reason to back out at the last minute . That became my normal . I felt like we were not living a life . We do not have children and tried for. Long time and it just didn't happen. 

My husband was became with drwn and there was no physical affection . I could be crying on the floor and he wouldn't even touch me . He would just say stop crying babe. And if I went to Kiss him he would say hurry up and say that he wasn't an affectionAte person.

he has alot of pAst issue he never got OVerwith his mother and his past. I told him that things were wrong. It was for about a year the same arguement . I asked to go to counciling I told him I felt vounerable and alone . I tried hard to keep it together for so long but I kept coming back to this feeling that I just didn't want to be married . I decided to go t therapy alone. That's when I knew I was done. Who goes to marriage therapy alone?

things became tense and I mentally and emotionally checked out . I made the decision that after the holidays I wanted a seperation .and that's when I had what I will call an emotional affair / a one night of cuddling and a drunken mistake that almost went to far but by the graceof god did not. I started a lust obsession and a game between me and this guy we would talk then when we would he would say I should come over I never did. I told him I was still married regardless and I felt bad for what happened and why for some reason even though he was a dbag guy I still kinda couldn't tell him I wanted to stop. He made suggestions of things we could say or do so we could hang out and that's when I knew and told him that he was asking me to have an affair and would be the other man. It ended when I told my husband everything he called the guy and told him to leave me alone, I couldn't tell him myself . 

A few times I have had to interact with him bring weird feelings up about wanting to be single and that I will never know what it's like to date ect . So here is my main issue 

my husband changed did a 180 is now the most amazing guy. He had a religious awakening and now is actively involved in church is affectionate , deeply in love with me and I'm not.... I have my moments but I detached myself to the point that I have. Really hard time accepting any love and affection from him . I moved out for a few days and moved right back in like 3 dys I just needed space . I think moving back so soon was a bad mistake . I need to get myself together . It isn't fair to have one spouse 100% in and the other with one foot in and one out . I think my add has alot to do with this . 

For years I have had problems with feeling content with my life . I do have down moods sometimes they don't last very long but man they suck. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to be divorced . But I can look at him and feel nothing .... I feel so confused :( anyone have advice ??