In my marriage, (and most of what I read on this site) the way to a workable marriage is so clouded over by human weakness, that healing truth has no chance to surface....In almost 6 years I would guess I've read posts from maybe 50 to 60 people who admit's to having add/adhd...(Maybe more)....And if I categorized them, it would be something like this....20% angry, defensive, and only stopped in to take a shot over the bow of hurting non's..50%...desperate men and women (mostly men) seeking advice on how to keep their abused spouse from leaving (usually after it's too late)....20% who stopped in to discuss their plights in life, and was either victim minded, or concession seekers....10% who seemed to be able to talk openly and honestly about how their minds work, and what their daily life is like...Two of these 10% percent posted here over the past couple of weeks....I (most non's do) remember this 10%, they have a huge impact on my life...Why? Because if an add/adhd spouse can speak truth, and hear truth, about themselves, and work with in the parameters of their true reality, (like we all must do) then calm constructive communication becomes possible, and workable marriage solutions become doable....
ADHDmomof2 was the first to impact me so positively....Why? Because she sounds just like my wife in so many ways...BUT....without the defensiveness, and without the denial....She could openly talk about her struggles, as well as her strengths...She talked about the work she's done, and is doing to better deal with her life tendencies....She took ownership, instead of excusing it, and blaming everyone else....There have been others, but very few....
So many of our marriage relationships are so burdened down with baggage from all the fighting, and arguments, there just isn't enough trust between us to make ourselves vulnerable with each other....Of course, even though this can definitely be a reality, we must fight through this fear, and find the humility to lay it all out on the table... (from both sides of course)....I told my wife that I'm tired (it's been 12 years now, I told her that 2020 had to be the year for us, or it's probably my last one)...I just do not want to go on any longer in this marriage if we can't BOTH take ownership w/o excuse of our living of life...The difference's aren't killing us, it's the denial and inability to communicate that is destroying us....When someone say's they believe one thing, but turns right around and justifies behaviors that are counter to what they say they believe, then the only way around that is denial....
Way to often a non will place expectations of their add/adhd spouse, that for the most part is unrealistic (something they can do based on their mind type)....So many of the posts I've read here, and wrote here:( is venting about a person who lives in a mind that can't perform on the same level when it comes to many daily life issues....Things as simple has picking up after yourself....She will never ever match me on this, not without a new mind, or a miracle....Physical infirmities are visible....If my wife had one leg, I would never question her limitations....But, because I couldn't see her infirmities, **visibly,** I placed expectations from the beginning of our marriage like her mind was normal, and she could function in life as easily as any other person should be able to....
So how do we limit the chaos? We can do it to a degree w/ acceptance, boundaries, and walking way from unfruitful dialog and behaviors.... But to push past the separateness that causes, we must stop the bleeding that comes from defensiveness, defiance, denial and blame....We must be able to share the simple truths about our struggles....And if we are blessed enough to have that, ( or get to that point in the future) we better be able to be quiet, listen, and show Grace in those moments.....Swallowing our Pride, and puking up our struggles is difficult, but, it's life giving, and marriage enhancing....My pray for those of us (add or not) in this situation, is that we never excuse words or behaviors that do not show love and respect to our spouses.....
I'm just at the point that I'm truly wondering if staying in my marriage is a good thing?? I know her life works better single, because it's so intrusive (everyone who knows her well, knows it)....But, I thought one day she would swallow that pride, and decide to ask for help, and take ownership of her life, and it's effects on others.....I guess you have to see (realize it) the effects, to own it..??
Blessings
c
Hi there, C
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
To see you at this crossroads is gut wrenching. I am very sorry that despite doing pretty much everything possible within your own individual control, you are still facing this pain. I hope 2020 can be the year you find peace and confidence in whatever you decide.
Thank u melody
Submitted by c ur self on
Every thing possible?...I think a person who cares will do everything with in their power ( and pray for what isn't in our power) to be the that long suffering spouse, even when it feels and seems hopeless... You are right... I'm at a loss right now, I think I have done that...
Yes, why?
Submitted by inSearchForHope on
C, I was just recently thinking about you and your story and how it is similar and different to mine. And that same question popped in my mind : " why are you staying, C?.." I read your reasoning to stay in earlier post and they are perfectly solid valid ones but the negatives seem to outweigh those and in my book give you plenty of reasons to leave, more to than reasons to stay. And yes, that feeling about your spouse being so cell centered that she's betted suited to live by herself is what I live with daily. That makes staying so much harder-to know he should not have married me because living life solely for himself would be so much better for him. I know it, he might know it too as in reality he's In loving caring relationship with himself, striving to please and entertain himself. And I'm seen as an enemy distracting him from that . I only do that when absolutely necessary but it hurts still. So, C , why do you stay?....
I don’t know any more ISFH...
Submitted by c ur self on
I've done everything but leave and totally withdraw, trying to find a way for us to have a healthy relationship....I'm going to try to totally withdraw, if my nature will allow it.... I may have to get away....
Edit...Also, u described my wife's life to a tee... She is in a ( full time) loving caring relationship with herself...You just can't be **me**minded all the time, and have any ability to live an **us** life... You are so right... They see us as their thorn in the flesh, when we speak up to let them know we exist and we matter...
Bless you, C.......
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
My heart aches for you and what you are going through. I wish I had the words to comfort you, or better yet, a sure fire way to make things better.
<3
Hello I haven't posted for
Submitted by barneyarff on
Hello I haven't posted for some time but I follow along. C, I'm sorry it has come to this but you gave it the old college try. I'm wondering if both of you would be happier apart. If your spouse is like mine, she is a great date (an ADDer said that recently here and I SO agree!) but she is not a match to live with. FYI I finally took action. I moved out over a year ago just to see if, when my husband lived by himself (with no one to blame) what would happen. It became clear to me that his habits were such that I would be using most of my time taking care of him. I don't want to do that. I understand that there are times in life when one person needs lots of care etc. but it was going to be a lifetime of care with little to no benefits. He was unhappy with me too because he saw me as perpetually angry and nagging----and I was, because things needed to get done. And my anxiety level was going to kill me. Case in point, I recently found out he has used a credit card that still had my name on it(he had told me last year he took my name off) but hasn't made payments. It has lowered my pristine credit score by 100 points. That is just one of many many things. These kinds of problems have happened for so long and I get blamed for them for so long that I had to ask a co-worker of mine if she thought I should be upset by what happened. She said she would have been furious. But I can't even tell anymore. It's become clear to me that gaslighting is what my husband does. I filed for divorce. Didn't want to. But sometimes "amputation" is the healthy route. For me, continuing a marriage was making two people miserable. That isn't kind to either of us. The kinder thing is to quit. I'm sad but it's the healthist thing to do. May I encourage you to be healthy, however that works for you.
Hi barneyarff
Submitted by c ur self on
I hear you, and I agree....As long as I'm with her there will be no appreciation, no respect, lots of chaos and lots of messes... I've tried to stop the parent/child dynamic but its about impossible....Getting away is probably my only option... Kind of been knowing it for a long time...Just hate it so bad...
bless u
c
Thank you
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I'm glad you posted, barney. This post really helped me.
Awww...:)
Submitted by c ur self on
Thank u Adele...
You just did <3
Reply to communication with ADHD
Submitted by How Long will t... on
Dear C, It's been a long time since I have been on this forum. That's a good thing, that means things settled down for me for a season. However, here I am again. I'm responding to this post because of your last statement "But, I thought one day she would swallow that pride, and decide to ask for help, and take ownership of her life, and it's effects on others.....I guess you have to see (realize it) the effects, to own it..??".
I have been married to my DH with ADHD for 24 years and I'm still waiting for this to happen. Like you I am a believer and honestly the reason I have stayed for 24 years is because of my marriage vows- the ones I made to God. For better for worse......And believe me this roller coaster has had it's better and worse moments.
I find it interesting that the one word that everyone on here that is married to an ADHD spouse uses is - EXHUASTED. We're all exhausted from the craziness. I've often said I feel like I'm living in the twilight zone.
I wish I could give you some uplifting, encouraging advice. But I think it is what it is and only you can decide if it's worth the ride.
Blessings to you.
Hi JZ....
Submitted by c ur self on
Thanks for commenting... I'm glad things have been going well for you...I've just been in a funk lately... I'm pretty sure it's several factors...The main one is getting to focused on her, instead of the life source (Jesus)....Also, honestly, I still have trouble holding her accountable and not enabling her in many small things...I don't know if it's just my wife's deal, or if it's an add/adhd thing, or what??... I can't do anything for her just out of love and being helpful... She has zero ability to recognize it for what it is "just a husbands loving gesture"...She has zero ability to not expect it...( like a small child does) So the things I do out of love, just pushes her more and more into a invalid state...Since I wrote the last post, I've not attempted to communicate about her actions or much of anything really...If she asks me something I answer of course...I texted her ( we can't have a serious conversation w/o defensiveness, and interruptions, right from the start) and let her know I don't want to be a part of what's been going on with us any longer...I want the best (a life of peace, being responsible, hearing the holy spirit, and being a vessel) for her, and myself... And after 12 years, being together it is definitely not the best... LOL...
She was talking to a wise Christian couple ( mutual friends) several years back when we were fighting a lot... She told them that no matter how bad it gets, that I always seek her out to attempt to apologize and pray... ( Get it fixed)... She told me the husband of the couple chimed in and told her in no uncertain terms... That that is a good thing, and she better hope I don't stop...
I've decided to stop.... I've stopped, because Im giving up on us....
Its good to here from you sister! Sorry for all the dialogue....
blessings c
Your statement "Since I wrote
Submitted by How Long will t... on
Your statement "Since I wrote the last post, I've not attempted to communicate about her actions or much of anything really...If she asks me something I answer of course...I texted her ( we can't have a serious conversation w/o defensiveness, and interruptions, right from the start)" seriously hits home. I can never have a conversation with my DH without it almost immediately turning into some form of fight. Even over the simplest of things, I once left the dish soap on the counter instead of putting it below the sink. When he pointed it out to me I put it away, but then he will state over and over again my offense and before you know it we're fighting. So I've learned to just answer with one or two words and if he starts repeating himself to just let him talk and don't answer. He retired 8 years ago (he's 13 years older than me), and now he lives in another state during the summer.... thus the reason things got better for me. He's home now, and it didn't take long for the craziness to start, I'm already counting down the days for him to leave- it's a sad state when you live in a marriage like that.
How do we limit the chaos?
Submitted by jennalemone on
Limiting the chaos in the home and in my mind are the things I have been working on here too, C. That does not make for a very satisfying life and marriage, I know. The partnership does not make for connection and growth if all we are doing is trying to stay the course of the status quo and we are not fulfilled or at peace or partnered. H and I do not talk except in his language of teasing and offense/defense game playing. Anything else causes him to attack, blame or seek retribution. So I "manage" him. He only responds to reward and punishment and Tom Sawyer-type "look, isn't this fun?" He has been like a child all these years and I have taken up the slack and responsibilities....."limiting the chaos". In the process he has stayed his infantile self and I have become more responsible, careful and fearful. Now, I look back at my life and can see that I was not being good to myself. I have permitted my ego to be sacrificed in the name of "limiting the chaos". Where is the girl who accomplished so much before we got married and who woke in the morning with a glorious feeling of balance and "life is awesome" wonder?
I am finding that working on my self feels like the right thing to do. Also, accepting that we will never have the kind of union that I expected to have with a husband. He is unable or unwilling to grow.
C, remembering some of your older entries, I used to think that, with your strong faith, you just might be able to transcend the need for a committed partner. I realize that I do not have that strong, church-faith anymore ever since I accepted that God does not reward the good and punish the bad and that karma seems to not exist. I have faith in that I have accepted that the Universe is awesome and so much bigger than us that it defies our imagination and that all things are created by a creator. I do go to church. We have a really great minister who speaks with love and acceptance and each week I am uplifted and feel encouraged and it is not the fire and brimstone I was brought up with.
I told my old also good minister years ago about my difficult marriage and asked about how a Christian woman can find it in the Bible to allow herself to either stay in an unhappy marriage or where it gives me permission to leave and have a future husband that might be better. His answer was encouraging saying that "God gave us the Ten Commandments for the good of all to be happy. God does not want us to be miserable but wants all of His creation to be fruitful with joy" I didn't do anything to change my situation. Why? I still ask myself why and have come up with lots of reasons.
I have been spending some time reading what I can find on the internet about maturity and self-confidence and character. I had been growing along just fine in doing the rebelling, the finding myself, the growth of character and authenticity until I "had" to marry. At the time it was the thing to do to get married to the baby's father quickly before the baby was born. I sacrificed my growth and my ego to "limit the chaos" and do as my mother admonished me to "hang in there". I am realizing that I may have had arrested development in my early twenties as my ego was slashed upon being a shameful girl who had to get married.
It is time for me work on my self and my character. Character, which means I get to have needs and beliefs that I feel in my gut too...not just beliefs that I was admonished into when I was growing up and in which my current small midwestern town bestow upon us with the punishment of gossip and judgment.
I am working hard to push myself through maturity to know who I am, what I want, what I believe, how I want to be and find some bravery with the passion behind it to actually act upon my own beliefs and change things.
When I read about the spouses here where they are depressed and lonely and even suicidal, I can relate. I was that way too when I was younger and not accepting reality. From my perspective now, it seems to be that we, the partners of a difficult person, can find our own confidence and give ourselves the permission we need to feel like whole human beings with authority to decide for ourselves what is good for us. I was taught that a woman had to obey and serve her husband and others and obey the laws. I think some people are afraid to give themselves the gift of their own decisions right for themselves and not have to be afraid that if they did what was good for themselves, they would be considered selfish by others, by God and my themselves or even think it is sinful to take care of themselves.
I have been afraid to be selfish all these years, not realizing that the thing I needed to do was to permit and encourage my self to be alive and act upon my needs and wants. As it is, I am not even able to know what I want or need...it has been so long since I have myself permission to think about my self. But it is the path, for me, to be on right now. I am tipping things over in my life and in my head and heart to give my self the chance to live with the joy that my creator offers and wants me to live rather than to sit in regret and my own inner chaos.
I am somewhat ashamed for not knowing that I must do this much earlier in my development. But better late than ever.
Abuse.....Door mat? or Door mat no longer?
Submitted by c ur self on
Rereading the things I've written, and the things you ladies have written on this thread tells a story that I've thought about today.....The things that are very clear is the disrespect,and the mental and emotional abuse in our relationships...Another thing that is very clear in many of our relationships ( me for sure) is, no way we should allow ourselves to attempt to interact with someone who has so little respect for their spouse....When we allow ourselves to be driven by the bread crumbs (me) of affection seeking, and keep laying your neck on the chop block, knowing it is going to be chopped off, that is on me (us).....
I made a comment in one my posts here about attempting to totally withdraw from her....Well that is something I should have done years ago....But, it's not really withdrawing, it's just not continuing to chose to allow my own insecurities and needs to drive me to interact, with a person whom I can't trust to care...To not be selfish, intrusive, and abusive.....
My wife has been asked to go to counseling by her own son and dil...She don't know how to interact respectfully, it's usually about her, and she don't mind pressuring people....She is in a little bit of a depression state over that, and me...She see's I've pulled back....She got in my face, kissing me, and asked me did I love her (Manipulation attempt, must see through them).....It's not about love...She is asking the wrong question....I can't trust her to love, I can't trust her to not be selfish, and be victim minded about anyone who asks her to do the work in the marriage, or to not try to control every situation....
Yes, this isn't something I need to feel bad about....If I can continue to walk away, and stick to my gun's about not interacting or responding to words and actions that aren't mine....She is just someone I can't trust to be responsible in the relationship....Many of my own issues will go way (because they stem from my efforts w/ her, when I know better) if I can mange my life in this reality, then every thing gets better....I sleep better...I am more at peace...It forces her to poop or ge off the pot....(accountability, no one willing to be abused),,, I tend to take better care of my other relationships (children, grand children, friends etc..) I deal w/ my own responsibilities better, when I'm not up and down emotionally because I was foolish enough to trust her yet again....
What I've realized is, me and many of us here are choosing to be the door mats....We have every right to not be one.....I don't have to be mad, or angry, because I can't have the healthy marital attachment that I would like....I'm the looser if I do....What she is producing on a day to day basis (the working of her heart and mind) has proved to me, (FOR YEARS) that it's impossible....My life will ONLY get better when I accept this, and not allow my insecurities and perceived needs to drive me to engage her on any kind of vulnerable level....It's a mental and emotional death wish.....As long has she is stuck in that ME ONLY MIND.....Folks, that is just a fact....
I also wanted to say to some of you ladies who posted....Please don't accept abuse or argue w/ some one who is bullying you, and disrespecting you!...You have so much more value!....That play's right into his hands....If he will try to control you and disrespect you like that....Do you think he cares?...You don't do that if you care....And if you are, then you need serious help....
The question I've asked my self, and many of you need to ask your selves is....How long will I try to force a loving, respectful, and mutually caring relationship where none is coming? Please take care of yourselves, love peace, and pursue it...:)
Lets let reality be our guide about what is possible when our spouses approach us, or we are tempted to approach them...Lets stop laying our neck willing on the chop block...If they really care, they will get help, if they are so hard hearted that they are unaffected, (don't care), then we don't need to be engaging them, or be in their presence anyway.....(IMO)
Bless you all...
c
Acceptance
Submitted by anteight on
C
its been awhile since I've been on here. My H has convinced me that although his ADHD is admittedly hard to deal with along with his depression that the real reason we struggled was because of my reactions to it and that makes it harder for him. I've tried to just accept things and let him go on and on about what interests him and accept that never going out together but only playing video games with him and watching shows nightly with him and not expecting any follow thru was how to get thru this. I've just tried to be happy with that. He loves to point out how he spends so mich more time with me now and that I just can't recognize how much better. If I bring up something I don't like he tell me how wrong my timing is or that I realize how much he hates his job and how he struggles with depression and yet I still tell him things I'm upset about. Like how dare I! I've tried to tell myself that I will just fill my life with things and friends and accept that he is happy just to be at home working on his music which by the way him and his friends have been doing for about six years now and have not yet completed one recording or played a gig! I hear you about putting our heads on the chopping block. Occasionally he admits something or says or does something that ignites that glimmer of hope only to be dashed pretty quickly. Last weekend we went to Costco to order his new glasses and we had lunch and Rome's around while waiting for our number to be called. It's so sad to me that that day was one of the best days we've had. We were actually out of the house during the day doing normal stuff that people do together! Seriously! How ridiculous is that!!!!! I've Ben threatening divorce silence the first year of our almost 8 year marriage. With the dillisional hope that he would wake up. But no! I am also a Christ follower and have struggled so much with another divorce. The embarrassment the failure. What will my grown children think? What does God think? I've studying for countless hours about divorce. I've become such a mean bitter angry guy person which only fuels his own confirmation that it's me and he's doing the best he can and it's just never good enough. I really believe what has happened is that there is so much hurt and loneliness in me but I can't verbalize that to him because he literally can't grasp it so I constantly get on him for tangible things however that always backfires to be cause of the constant deflection. Like if I say why can't we ever go do stuff together he'll say I'd love too but your mad at me all the time! Why would I want to risk doing something fun just to end up in a fight! Sheesh!!!!! Anyway I'm sorry for such a long post but I have come to the realization that it will never change and I will never have the basic needs met that are reserved for other couples. Like fighting normally or doing little things that couples do. I've come to the conclusion that divorce is not the unpardonable sin and though remarriage is probably not an option for me I'm fine with that! He throws our vows in my face all the time but the reality is he I now way is being the husband Christ deacribes. I do not believe God wants us in this situation! Maybe don't divorc but separate indefinitely. If they want to remarry they can file. Either way I'm done. I told him last night on my birthday! I know he thinks it's just another threat and will be shocked but I literally can't do this anymore. I was so angry today I just told God I'm sorry but you have not stepped in and I'm done! I have an opportunity to housesit for six months rent free starting in a few days. We were both going to do that together but I really feel like God is giving me this opportunity to finally make a break. Sorry for rambling I just have no where else to go where I am fully understood! I'm am so sorry for all of us. And you have always been such a great support and so wise. I do not blame you for letting go. You are not sinning!!! There is still that tiny part of that hopes and it's so ridiculous! I came here tonight to be reaaaures that I am doing the right thing and it has helped! Love you, you're sister in Christ
I understand anteight...
Submitted by c ur self on
You are right sister, we don't need, or have to remarry, to have a peaceful and fulfilled life....(That comes from fellowship w/ the person of Peace)....I wish I could hug you, because like many reading this, we know!...Let me remind you of this...The scripture was written to believers....The body of Christ...The Church Jesus is building when we are born of the Spirit....The husband and wife instruction concerning marriage is for the body....It works so amazingly when we are equally yoked....Husband and Wife submitted to the Father, and to one another in the way's scripture teaches and instructs us, the ways that honor's him...But that takes two believers...You can always tell a Spirit filled believer by the fruit of their lives....They fear God, and they don't make excuses for their sin, and they don't willingly neglect their responsibilities in life....
A few years ago, I had to shake that trap of commitment thing....Not that I'm not committed, but, the pressure I was putting on my self to stay was actually very unhealthy for us both....She used my convictions against me....I had to come to the place where I was like, OK...This relationship isn't honoring God or anyone else...It's toxic.....So once I was fine w/ leaving, I felt better, and she kind of woke up....I have no idea if we will be together much longer...I told her that this year 2020 is my last if she doesn't show some effort..She is in the guest room, (been living there for about a year now) been there all day....She has her sleep pattern all messed up....I've finally stopped pressing for us to have anything more....I feel so relieved....I haven't quit praying...But I've just quit trying to help God....
Yes I to would be totally fine living separated from her permanently, if she isn't going to own her responsibilities in marriage....I really come to realize from my marriage, and reading here for six years....There are just so many people who live in such a **Me mind**...That they will never adapt (do well in) to a ** Us relationship**...
Blessings and Peace on you dear Sister!
c
Toxic
Submitted by anteight on
Thank you for your response. Yes toxic describes it perfectly. Our old pastor has a website called preachitteacchit with a column ask roger. He did an article on 7 people you should not marry. On the list was mental illness. I hate to classify adhd as that but I think in cohabitation with the Comorbid things that go along with it it is. If you asked most other people about my H they would sing his praises. So kind considerate empathetic. An all around stand up guy with great character and integrity. But they don't know the inability to have real human connection. I think the anger and resentment come from knowing that this is the most manageable and treatable so called disorder and yet nothing but popping the adderal and maybe trying to set some reminders. That's the bulk of "treatment". I have found that suppressing my need for normal communication and normal partnership is a form of abuse. I have a dear friend older than me who has been married for 45 years to a man with very similar issues. Strong Christians but I also see her withering away with so many rare health issues and I can't help but wonder if that 45 years of carrying everything on her shoulders hasn't caused her physical issues.
ps sorry for the misspellings. My phone screen is terribly cracked and I can't see when things are mistyped or auto corrected.
peace to you my brother
Leaving when you’re a Christ follower
Submitted by anteight on
Hi C
been going back thru these threads as I need a constant reminder of why I left. He's basically told me that I abandoned him? Really? Anyway listen to you tube podcast by Michael Chriswell and check our Elizabeth Klein and Joseph Darnell. It made me reevaluate some thought and belief patterns I've had.
blesings
Thanks anteight....
Submitted by c ur self on
I wrote a long post along these lines this morning...But then deleted it....I do not want to ever influence a person to leave their marriage....Even though what is going on in many or our homes and lives is everything but a marriage....Any time a marriage ends, that's not an amicable parting, someone is going to feel victimized...Remember God made it, and blessed it for a life time...So to walk away from that commitment isn't something I need to be advised on by others....No matter how I perceive them, or, how they perceive themselves.....I'm not talking about learning from someone, or sharing scripture w/ someone....I'm talking about a personal choice that only one person can make, and only one person will have to live with....
The problem for so many people ( like many of us) is they have a warm body moving around in the same space, who owns a legal document (if they can find it ;), that say's they are your spouse....But that is as close to being a responsible adult partner as many get....I can only tell you, what I tell myself....Jesus is where abundant and eternal life is found...It's not in our spouses......
Thanks anteight for the line to the podcasts.....
Bless you sister!
c
I understand
Submitted by anteight on
C
i understand. We must come to whatever conclusion we make on our own. I didn't mean to sway you. I jus know that "guilt" has left me paralysed for so long.
bless you too!
I know you weren't trying to sway me anteight....
Submitted by c ur self on
But re-reading my written thoughts about making that kind of decision...I can see where you thought I was, so sorry!....But I was speaking about the written opinions of others (books, articles, sermons etc.) who may make some good points in general, but, aren't living our lives...I know a few things about humans, since I'm one....I will always defend my own selfish desires, and she will always defend hers....So what I try to do as the husband, and a believer is just keep it simple....Know I am always wrong, know she is always wrong....And base everything on what God say's....Who is always right...:)
Jesus said people divorce because of hard hearts....There are a couple of reason's listed in the bible where a spouse isn't bound to their vows, (besides death)....Sex outside the marriage, and being abandoned by a non believing spouse....
I know it's not my job to judge my spouse (anyone) as to whether she is a believer....She say's she is, so I leave it alone....I only know what I'm called to be as a husband, and that takes submitting to the living word (Holy Spirit) continually.....Besides....The word say's all men are known by the fruit they bare....So to defend "our right living" or, to judge another is not only defying scripture, but, it's not even necessary....
I'm sure there are plenty of marriages, add/adhd or not, where one or both spouses just flat refuse to humble themselves, and put loving effort and energy into the work of the relationship....Selfishness seems to be at all time high these days....We get blind to everything, and everybody, accept our own desires...
In my opinion...When any of us is excusing ourselves from not doing (the work) what we vowed to do in the relationship, something is wrong inside our hearts.....I know abuse and indifference will push the effort giving spouse away, (one can never do the work for two, you can't get close to someone who has just quit on the marriage) and that is just what many of these posters are and have dealt with......
c
Good morning C
Submitted by anteight on
Good morning C
the more I read and listen to sermons the more confused I get. I sincerely don't know what to do or if I'm wrong in leaving. There is so much more that I have learned in scripture but is it just because I want to validate my choice or is it true. I just don't know. I do want to say though that when the bible says we wil know by their fruit I know I was definitely not baring good fruit. I don't think it's judging someone as much as making a judgement call. If the fruit is not there it's not there. No judgement just real observation. When a spouse Christian claiming or not pulls the other AWAY from God rather than toward God which has been my case I'm not sure it is right to stay. I'm not saying that someone else is responsible for my spiritual life but I also know that darkness and light cannot remain together. I feel there is somewhat of a difference here in that you are the man and I am the woman. There are very different responsibilities. The husband is to lead his wife toward God. Presenting her holy and blameless. It is not my responsibility to lead our life spiritually. God did require divorce from pagan women and God sid divorce Israel for a time. Also there are two different words for divorce. One was to put away( the isrealites were doing that for any old reason and not doing it with a certificate which is why the women would then end up adulterous because women in those days had to be married to make it or become prostitures. Either way the man was putting her In a very bad predicament! The other word used for divorce refers to writing a certificate of divorce. Making it legal in where the woman was free to remarry without it being adulterous. Anyway in my situation I left! I'm probably wrong and in sin. I don't know. But right now what I have told the Lord is I'd rather have his merciful consequence than continue to live like a dead person. Please pray for me C that God would make things abundantly clear to me!!! I am in tears right now because my hearts desire is to be obedient no matter what. I just don't know what that is!!!!!
I will keep you lifted up anteight....My heart breaks for you..
Submitted by c ur self on
(IMO)....Every story in the bible where Jesus interacted with mankind, the story line was always the same....It always lead to the faulty thinking of the mind of man....And, Jesus being the way...the truth...and the life....What is impossible for man, is possible for God....
Again this is my view of life, this is what I must make my decisions based on.....c ur self is incapable of meeting a standard for righteousness (to be eternally with God)...So by God's Mercy, Grace, and the work God did on my behalf (his creation, mankind) The death; resurrection, ascension, and return, of his only begotten son, is the only way for mankind to be with God.....And he said; come onto me, all you who are weary and heavy laden....Sister you are carrying a heavy load; so just continue to give it to him.....Remember this....Jesus said a man who looks to save his life will loose it, but, a man who gives his life for my sake, shall gain eternal life....
Find peace in him, and these decisions want carry so much weight.....My testimony was much like yours was here, when we separated for a year...I knew I could have set boundaries, and practiced acceptance of what she was capable of....I knew deep down I had plenty of things I could do better....It's not about love, it's about just keeping my eyes on Jesus instead of what I wanted personally from her...The attention she wasn't able to give because of a mind that doesn't know how to not be consumed with in itself.....So w/ the peace of Jesus, boundaries, and learning to not place expectations that can't be fulfilled, we are making it....It's learning to be wise as a serpent, but, harmless as a dove....Pursue your life in Christ, live, & breathe, but, just know the huge difference's will always limit the ability to attach like we wish.....
Don't feel pressure to make a bunch of rash decisions.....You both will have to respect each others reality (they are very different) in order to show your love to one another...It has to be respect, and acceptance or it will never work.....Bless you dear Sister....
Any type of quick emotion (anticipation, (good or bad) expectations, anger, we must be accepting of the moment, what ever is being produced in their mind in each moment, we can't be part of the highs and lows) ) is the enemy of this type marriage relationship....
c
Breathe
Submitted by anteight on
Thank you C. I am just trying to take it moment by moment!
Whew.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
When I was married, most of my thoughts were occupied with anticipating my husband’s moods, looking and listening for signs that he was about to “go off” on a tangent. Things like listening for the sound of his footsteps on the tile floor when he came home from work. I became pretty good at judging what kind of mood he’d be in based on that alone. I spent most days silent, not speaking to him unless he spoke to me first. I would engage in the bare minimum of conversations, only when necessary, and mostly concerning our two children. Any attempt to discuss our marriage, how he treated me, etc,, would result in an argument, where he would yell and blame me, and I would cower.
The majority of my marriage was spent with me in fear, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Shielding our children from these episodes/outbursts was not difficult, as he avoided abusive behavior when the children were present. No way to live. I was clinically depressed, and the stress took its toll.
I lived for years putting others first. I felt selfish and guilty when I did something for me.
In the end, his family and some members of my own family did not understand why I left. My own father thought that I should stick it out until both children were grown, which would have meant me staying and subjecting myself to another 10 years of abuse. (Our daughter graduates from High School in 2021. ) That bothered me for years.
I felt like I needed “closure”, to somehow make them understand what had happened and why I felt so strongly that divorce was my only option. I had to accept that others would not understand my choice, and that was on them. It isn’t up to me to prove what happened and justify my decision.
Selfish and guilty but yelled at constantly, thr profanity is te
Submitted by adhdlost on
I know how you feel. I haven't had a vacation or time to my self in years! I do 98% of the cooking and we cook from scratch mostly. I do all the food shopping, sweeping, taking care of about 100 indoor plants in the winter here in VA.
I have replaced the Hot water heater, dishwasher, multiple electric outlets, work the garden and the livestock, replaced refrigerators, roofing, home repairs. Did I mention I have a 50 hour workweek besides. My wife is handicapped and walks with 2 canes. I bring her her meals and her coffee and water whenever I am home. The profanity and screaming is deafening. Did I mention I am the one with ADHD. I have never lost a job, but have been laid off. 10 years with this job and I am top performer at work. I do have ADHD behaviors. Short memory, get distracted, interrupt conversations. She won't go to counseling with me. She says it is my problem and I need to fix it. I have been to several counselors. Got my 1st prescription. Hope thngs get better.
Hi Adhdlost.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Thanks for your reply....Sounds like you are one busy man....I'm sorry your wife is so verbally abusive...You never asked for the adhd, and it's a good bet your wife didn't ask for her physical handicap either....I hope she will learn to appreciate all the energy (work) you are putting out, just keeping things afloat around there....Adhd is a definite nuisance in daily living (battling the distractions, and any other symptoms you may dealing with.... One big thing you have going for you is, you aren't closing your eye's to the reality of your struggles...A man or women who is willing to face their issue head on, is a person who can be helped....
It's the blame and denial that's the killer....
Blessings friend...
c
Thanks for kind words
Submitted by adhdlost on
You are right, it does seem like a struggle, but I do have my eyes open. this would have been easier when I was younger, but at 67 it is kind of a full day for me. Best wishes!
Sometimes I wonder if
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Sometimes I wonder if certain folks with ADHD (especially those in denial) ever genuinely "love" anyone at all, or can/do they genuinely "fall in love"? Is it just a passing feeling they have, or an impulsive decision they make when deciding to marry someone? How deep does their "love" capacity actually go, and do they ever look to put the other persons needs first over their own? Or is a relationship for attention, getting a need filled for themselves, because another person is now focusing lots of attention on them? I have asked myself this many times due to the unfufilled love and closeness in our own marriage, and DH never needing to even want to try to achieve this......living as roomates for over 30+ years.
I think this may be more for those who stay in denial of their ADHD, but, I still have some questions about their love commitments and genuine deeper feelings of bonding with their spouses.( The one ADHD gentleman on here who has the invalid spouse amazed me, and Sir, I admire your love and dedication. I'm so sorry for the harsh treatment you've been on receiving end of. So sorry. You are an exception for sure, and Bless you. I pray things change for the better for you) But, I am speaking about the rest of us, who have lived with a different dynamic. Our spouses have stayed distant, only into themselves, their needs, wants, desires, and their own lives.
I realized I wasn't needed or wanted or desired, or loved, and so my "placement" in the marriage was terribly confysing and in question. Why did he ask me to marry him in the first place? Why did he marry at all? Why does he think he wants this? Why bring other people into their world if they have no intention of nurturing that relationship? To some degree they HAVE to know they're not doing much, even if they argue to the contrary.
We didn't know about his ADHD until he was around 50, but even then, he didn't participate in our marriage at all until just recently. I went through tons of stuff, you name it, I tried it. I didn't becone the "nagging shrew" I've read so much about, but being nice and accomodating didn't work either. I didn't know about boundry setting and such, but in our case, not sure it would have done much good any way. Anyway....
Now, he really IS trying to be a good husband, doing all kinds of things for me, getting me things, being patient, etc. He truly is being different, but it's ME that's having the struggles now. I would have accepted this behavior 10 years ago, even maybe 5 years ago, but somewhere I changed, and stopped desiring it at all. I gave up, and emotionally gave up. He knows it, and he can feel it. And now it feels like too little, too late. Love CAN be killed, and hurt to the point to where the effort becomes questionable. Why do it now? Why did he wait THIS long, until I was absolutely done with everything? Even myself, because the most damage was done to myself. Panic maybe? Maybe he now can FEEL the distancing and knows he went too far, and let it go too long? Love can die, and it can be damaged beyond repair in many cases. (I won't say ALL cases) But, without a genuine closeness being nurtured between a couple, where BOTH people participate in growing it, it's going to suffer. One person can't keep it alive by themselves, or get any of the simplest of basic needs met alone. A marriage is what both people do together, in love, generosity, selflessness, and more. It's sad so many folks struggle so hard in these types of relationships, and sadly even end the marriages, but it just has to be sometimes. It just is what it is.
Examples: I had to stop desiring that one day he would put his arms around me and say, "Do you know how much I love you"? or
tell me occasionally, "You look beautiful today", or "I love that you're such a kind person"........you know......ANY of those seemingly small things that make intimacy and closeness PART of daily life in a marriage. We didn't have this. Oh, I did and said those things to him, but they were never returned. This had a seriously damaging effect on my self esteem and personal outlook. I did leave him for a year, and he got counseling, vut his counselor did nothing to help with the adhd. It was more like a "buddy" type of relationship, than it was about DH learning anything about his ADHD. I went to one session, and I felt like the "fifth wheel" in the room, instead of part of the equasion, and it was awful. He gave me no advice or even genuine empathy for what we were dealing with. DH learned NOTHING over 3 years going to this guy. (PhD therapist, supposedly good with ADHD)
Love CAN be killed.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I agree. My ex didn't start scrambling and acting accordingly until He was shocked/forced into it. After 20 years together, it took me being done and preparing to leave to make him back pedal and say "We should do more together. Go on dates, talk and do things just the two of us.". Nope. I was done. Being told: "You look beautiful today", or any kind of compliment never happened. Not once in the 20 years that we were together did he tell me I was beautiful. I know beauty is in the eye of the of the beholder, but....DAMN.
Great post Dede.....
Submitted by c ur self on
All your questions have spun through my head for years also.....I know everyone is different, but, there are many similarities when it comes to the seemingly inability, or unwillingness to draw close....I could guess all night, but, I've bought that t-shirt way to many times...And it's never fit yet...LOL....But, I will give my thoughts about this....I think it's several things...1) Many are so overwhelmed (the working of their minds) by daily life, they can't help but be self-focused....They are always trying to catch up....2) Nature & Nurture...(Fear of being Vulnerable) Many have felt and experienced this mind (they know they are different) since they were children, some adapt (learn ways to discipline, and manage life) better than others....3) Also many have been misunderstood, by parents, and teachers etc...So they can still be carrying that baggage as an adult....4) If properly diagnosed, I think many probably have more going on than just add/adhd....That's usually the case from what I've read.....
I feel for you....Hugs to you..... ((((())))......
c
Sometimes I wonder
Submitted by anteight on
Hi dedelight
I read this yesterday and am struggling with how to respond. I recently left my H who is not fully treating his ADHD and whatever else there is. I'm so confused about these things too. He claims to be a Christian. He know he has ADHD and faithfully takes his meds but does nothing else. I read these posts and feel so confused. My H would bring me flowers and tell me he loves me and tell me I'm beautiful BUT it seemed to me just acts or words to help him feel as though that should be good enough. I'm not saying I didn't appreciate it but there was never TIME for me. Just when he was done with everything thing else preoccupying his mind. If I really needed to talk or be comforted or just shar ME I was usually (not always) dismissed. Saying things like can we not talk about that right now or that makes me to sad to hear or please don't start talking to me about stuff when I first get home. I need down time. Well I get that but the problem is he would never revisit it after the "downtime". I knew it was lost forever. I did become the angry nagging spouse. Well let me clarify when I would try to talk about deeper things about me or us he would deflect and twist what I was saying. He would hear something different and come back with something like " well why are you with me I'm just a loser piece of shit". Well where do you go from there. He would continually de validate my feelings. He would say things like " I'm sorry that hurt you or I get why you would feel that way BUT my intentions were not what you day they were". But it never really get resolved. I know I'm rambling but I don't know how to put it in words? I got to the point where I would be immediately angry and start yelling soooo desperate to have him hear me. The problem is I got nasty then he would get nasty. I mean really nasty. I was soooo wrong for this. Not only because it was abusive to him but because he was then able to spin in on me and all of the focus was in my behavior rather than the initial thing that caused me pain. I will forever feel horrible at the person I have become. However even when I'd try to handle it delicate it would end up in the same place or me just agreeing with him to keep peace. On one hand he is the most generous kind person and on the other the most selfish. I believe they can and do love but there is a disconnect in how they feel inside and putting it into action. I'm not sure they really grasp what that means. My H would constantly say that his good intentions were what really mattered. I would say actions speak louder than words Nd he would get so angry at that. Even telling me in so many words that that wasn't true! Really???? My H is very empathetic to people. He takes in their feelings but seems to have none for me? It's so confusing.
anyway I think love can die but I think what may be going on with you is decades of hurt cannot be erased in a short amount of time. For me anytime we had spurts of togetherness it would ignite in me a hope that he was back only to be dashed again rather quickly. When that happens regularly you stop believing it will last. You have to close yourself off to hope to protect your heart that's barely beating anymore. One more disappointment feels like it could be the final crush! John Gottman says that for every negative it takes 5 positives to recover. After decades of negatives im not sure there's enough lifetime left to make up for it all. I know God can heal and restore any situation but for me He seems silent right now. Maybe I was wrong for leaving? He now feels abandoned which is giving him more justification but why is abandonment only physical? Can't they see that we have been abandoned long before the physical abandonment?
sorry for the rambling. I too am at a point that even if my spouse turned everything around and got help and stopped drinking and smoking pot all the time and got a therapist and in and on I'm not sure it would work because I don't know that I could believe it was sustainable.
he wants us to stay separated for awhile and date so we can see the changes we are both making. Problem is we are great at dating. I know that it would be wonderful until he's comfortable again and then right back to here.
as far as the adhd man who does so much and is verbally abused by his wife. I am sorry to hear he is going thru that and although I don't want to sound bitter I am. I have to wonder how much of what he is doing is the reality or is his "reality". It generally take them much more time than usual and rarely things are completed fully. I just wonder if it "feels" like a lot when in reality it's not? I don't know of course I just know that what my husband thinks is a lot is not. Like "I spent all day doing stuff around the house" but what I see is he 90% of the way cleaned the kitchen and picked up. Floors laundry toilets not done. How did that take all day???? I wonder if this man spends time talking with his wife? Takes her on a drive or to a movie or lunch. Plays a game with her? Watches a move? I don't know. I'm probably way off base here I just know from experience realities are very different.
sorry for the long rambling. I'm sorry for the pain you have and the dead feeling inside. I know it's awful and I've only been married for 8 years. Although I believe my rx was also adhd just didn't know and I lived that for 17.
blesings to you sister!
Sometimes I wonder, and thanks all
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Thank you dear ones for all the kind replies. C, thank you friend, and I always appreciate your input.
Anteight, I really empathize with what you wrote, and several things jumped out at me. You mentioned something like loosing hope that things would ever change. Yes, this is what I did. My husband and I are Christians also, and my faith kept me hoping. But, somewhere I got so done with (not with my faith) not having a marriage, that I started questioning what kind of a person chooses this life....meaning me.
Who let's this happen? Why did I choose this, when he chose other people and things over me most of the time? ( he had one affair, and then a second emotional one about 6 yrs ago) We never got counseling for it, and he did what most people do. "It's in the past, just let it go". But, it doesn't just "go away". And not dealing with it or the behaviors that led up to it, isn't the way to HEAL the wounds of it, for either person. I did forgive him, but even his apology was just a quick "Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you", and that was it. His inability and/or unwillingness to talk about US, and/or our relationship is staggering. I don't think I've ever been "HEARD" by him. (Anteight, you mentioned that) Being heard by our spouses is another way intimacy grows, but we don't seem to get heard by them. It made feel very, very alone in this marriage, which then I blamed myself for even falling in love with this person.
I noticed myself feeling very "dead" emotionally, and just not finding joy in hardly anything. Mentally I know this isn't a good thing, but my feelings haven't been in sync with my head. Letting myself "feel" love again, is on hold at the present. I know I SHOULD feel bad about this, but I don't right now. There's just sort of a deadened spot where a very loving, exhuberant and life loving person used to be. I do miss that person, but don't know how to get her back right now. It's a weird place for me for sure.
Hugs
Submitted by anteight on
I know! It's so heartbreaking. This is not life. I'm not a prosperity gospel or name it claim it believer and I know God is concerned with our character more than happiness but I cannot believe this life in where we feel dead is a character producing spirit filled life either. I miss so much about my H and yet so scared to even think about continuing!
I will be praying for you!
I nodded my way through this whole post
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
... and had a tear in my eye as well as I can relate to most of it.
Sometimes I wonder if certain folks with ADHD (especially those in denial) ever genuinely "love" anyone at all, or can/do they genuinely "fall in love"? Is it just a passing feeling they have, or an impulsive decision they make when deciding to marry someone?
I think about this often. In the early (good) days, my husband used to say, "If you hadn't come along, I don't think I would have married." I used to take it as a compliment, but with twenty years of hindsight, I now think he almost knew he wasn't actually cut out for it.
Melody...forgive me if I sound conceited....
Submitted by c ur self on
The fact is you are right...He isn't cut out for it, neither is my wife, and their are many more posters on this site who have spouses who have no ability or desire to share in life as one flesh in a healthy way.....
The fact is, just reading your posts, I know you are a great catch!...A loving wife and mother, who just wants (wanted) to have someone to love her and show her that same kind of love concern and affection, that she is willing to give (and has given for years)....At the risk of sounding conceited, I know I was also a catch...All I wanted was someone to share my life with, that wanted to love me, just as much as I wanted to love them....
So this is the reality of life with these mind types.....I stay with her because after 12 years I know this is the fact of her life....She loves me in the only way she is capable...In my case I will always live with a person who seeks to control (selfish, and self absorbed by nature) things, or take part in things ONLY if it pleases her....God can change it...But meds, words and tears have proved useless against it....
We can set boundaries to protect ourselves from each others choices, we can breathe, be thankful, live, love and find peace that they can't effect....Do not allow circumstance's to rob you from your JOY.....
c
Let's all stay a healthy amount of conceited! :)
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
So many times I have read the posts on here from nons and thought, "What a wonderful wife/husband/person!" I think living with ADHD can easily make us question our worth... and definitely our choices. It can turn us into people we don't like very much when we were once pretty positive, full of life, and yes... great catches!
I think you've pointed out something all of us should remember about ourselves, because it sure is easy to forget or lose our good qualities in this situation.
Thanks for the warm words, C.
Well said Melody:)
Submitted by c ur self on
We just can't allow another person's life style (whether it's denial, no ability to give, no thankfulness, no ability to see or care about their reality and how it negatively impacts others, or what ever dysfunction their mind is locked into) to take away from the person we know we were created to be!....We can show a healthy love for them, we can have sympathy for them, we can pray for them....But!!, we must keep our hearts and minds renewed daily with only "good things"
Blessings to all....
c
C, not losing our joy
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I really love what you wrote. The past couple days I've had several confirmations about not letting anyone or anything "steal our JOY". This is really important, because I believe I did let my circumstances steal my joy for too long. I asked Jesus for forgiveness for that yesterday. And, I don't want any of my postings here to bring anyone else down or have sadness either. So, I apologize for that if it did.
My own quest in searching for answers in a maze of instability can truly cause distress at times. We all need stability, especially in these days and times, and with ADHD in the mix, it's sometimes hard to find that. As a woman/wife, we often look to our husbands for some stability at times, which IS Biblical, and God does talk about that. But, if a husband doesn't have that himself, it's harder, and we have to rely on God. (and vice versa with a wife) I even had let my relationship with God suffer, because I abandoned myself and shut down my feelings, desires, hopes and dreams because I truly believed that they were gone. I had really despised myself for many things. But, in reading the scripture where it says that we shouldn't "hate" anyone, (which I don't HATE anyone) it also said we shouldn't hate ourselves either. I never read that before.....and it really made me stop and reread it again, and THINK about that. I let the hatred for myself steal the joy I had. So, now, I'm starting with God's help, to rebuild the person of me, and restore the joy that was lost for a time.
I come back here every so often, and read the stories and journeys of the folks here. It helps a LOT, and I'm thankful for this site and all the friends here that are also struggling day to day. Bless you all.
Joy
Submitted by anteight on
I would highly recommend Leslie Vernick for amazing biblical advice on destructive marriages.
peace
anteight...
Submitted by c ur self on
thank you, I will look her up...:)
I went to her web site anteight.....
Submitted by c ur self on
She has three short video clips 3 or 4 min. ea........The truth principle......Lord I just want to be happy....And one on over coming fear.....All three of wonderful....I see why you like this lady....I book marked her site...
c
C
Submitted by anteight on
C
not sure that's the right lady. She has lots of videos and I haven't found any about being happy? Leslie Vernick. She's very biblical and does an interview with a pastor from Virginia. Some are 4-5 minutes some are almost an hour and everything in between. I lost count at 40 videos so I think you May be at the wrong site. I'm not saying God wants us happy at all either. But I am saying God loves the person more than an institution. We have been badly mislead into believeing that we are to continue taking abuse.
God's love Anteight....
Submitted by c ur self on
https://leslievernick.com/speaking/
My thoughts about what you said about "Being Happy" and God's love......The scripture is written to born again believers...The body of Christ, his church.....God is Holy....Sin reigned (death) until Christ....Human's are sinful, we are born under sin..So we are separated from God...But, because of Jesus's death, and resurrection, we can go to the Father through the Son...That is how we are able to received and experience the Father's Love...(Into himself).. John 14:23....Jesus speaking to his disciples...Those who love me, will keep my words, my Father will love them, and we will come to them, and make our abode with them....
So the focus of scripture is on God's Holiness....So all scripture relating to marriage (husband's and wives) is written to equally yoked believers (born again)....What happen's so many times in this world, is we end up unequally yoked....One w/ a conscience toward God''s words, and ways...(abundant and eternal life found only in him)....And one making their own rules as they go along, as it pleases them, no Spirit lead conscience.....So we have all this conflict, because we are seeing through completely different lens....
I've read so many post on this site, by believers, who for years have worked, and loved their spouses to no avail.....Why?....(IMO)...In many of those cases (not all) it relates right back to this difference....A person who is repentant of their sin, and one who isn't....(Justifies it).....We are told in the scripture, if you end up married to a non-believer, stay as long as the non believer will stay with you....But, if the non believer abandon's you, then at that point you aren't bound to that person....The scripture also talks about leaving your spouse (I think this is where unacceptable behavior comes in...Abuse) We are instructed to not remarry, and be reconciled at some point if possible....Now, we all no it's not possible if our spouse is an abuser...But, God change's people, he changes hearts....He changed me.....And he changed you....
So I said all this to say....Stick to God's word, (it's life) not mine...I don't trust me...or you...I trust God's truths......I will make this as clear as I can....If you and I were married, and having issues....And we both testified to being believers (filled w/ the Spirit)....And a Christian Counselor was laying out Biblical truths to us concerning marriage....(Ephesian Ch 5 vs 22 through the end of the chapter....Peter ch. 3....1 Corinthians ch 7- 1-5...Most all of 1st Corinthians chapter 11 and many many more....And you or I could not be touched, (hear the voice of the spirit) repent, seek each others forgiveness, and move forward, then one or both of us is in rebellion to God the Father.....
Disagreement's between true believers (humble hearts who desire Jesus) rarely gets out of hand...And if it does, there is remorse, broken hearts, and sincere apologies in my opinion.....No, if abuse is happening it's time to step away until that can be corrected....But for me I wil be long suffering toward the word, than toward my own selfish desires and thinking....Or, I should say, l pray that will always be my choice....To hear the Living Word more than I hear the old man c ur self.......
Worldly happiness is hear today, and gone tomorrow....To be content in Christ, under any circumstance, that's priceless....It's also eternal.....
PS...The I just want to be happy title....Is in reference to what women she counsels tells her....Not what she is saying should always be......
c
Dede...I'm with you, dear friend.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Way to often I have allowed the painful circumstances of this marriage to distract me (get my eye's off the Jesus) from who I am.....A child of the most High God shouldn't be struggling w/ fear, anger and frustrations because of the behaviors of another human being....That's living beneath the privilege of being a Son.....And I too have been repenting, and looking to a more excellent way!
Bless you dear friend
c