Hello everyone, possible ADHD spouse here. My wife and I met at the end of our teen years, met on Myspace, from similar places, know the same people and we fell in love. Per the book she fell in love with the un-diagnosed ADHD spontaneous, quirky, funny, loving guy who would give her an amazing/rough 16yrs like many ADHD and NON relationships. Financially we were never too far from the edge, having kids a 6 years after meeting one another meant I would raise them in the morning then work nights. Fast forward to 2019 with our second child she looses her job and to compensate I start working on cars out of my garage + a full time job in the medical field. Soon after COVID hits and down we go for another year. She's diagnosed with anxiety and prescribed Wellbutrin which worked until she felt like it made her gain weight (which should not) but discontinued, when she was I noticed this difference but she was back to her anxious self after dropping. I continued working 8 + 3 hours repeatedly, many times this creating stress and fights because of my absence. Fights that I would forget their damage as soon as we were doing better, we had great times and celebrated many happy moments. She got a great job after and has been growing professionally for the past 3 years. I've been stuck at the same place for the past 11years but this has created a great schedule with plenty of PTO and weekends off. 

This year we were hit with that our rental home is getting sold and we could purchase only if we had a 25% down (HOA did not have reserves) which was 63k. This cause what I like to believe was hyper focus. We started to put all of our money together but we were still short 15k, all of those years of working on cars started to pay off and started to get us closer and closer to that goal. We still had about 5k short now and she started to physically move this money to get ready but I procrastinated once again saying we still had time (6 months). She asked for me to start pulling the money from the savings and week after week I failed, In my head I wanted to hit the goal first since we were so close. I even got to the point of telling her it would not pass that week and it did, met with another sorry which just possibly sealed that coffin and I was oblivious about it. 

She gave me separation news 3 weeks ago, moved with her mother, we started the process of taking the kids certain days and what not but everything else has been such a downward spiral is hard to keep a positive outlook to this. There might not be any saving. 

I got into therapy and started seeing a psych which diagnosed me with anxiety and depression, given Wellbutrin which had a minimal stimulant effect but that a true ADHD test needed to way until a full month of this to make sure Im level enough to take the test. I scored about 90 Yes on a 128 question quiz. Today we had a better talk but a hard one, she's buying her own apartment, that this separation will end in divorce and she's only open to marriage counseling as long as I enter with the understanding that we're not getting back together. 

She initially told me she's keeping her heart open, many things are changing, and that she's working with her therapist to find out why she exploded the way she did.

I listened to Melissa's book which I'm sure many here know the initial relief and feel like it's the only hope left at explaining her feelings and provide support for if she wants to turn things around. 

I am having a hard time waiting, 3 weeks have felt like 3 years, 2 more weeks of waiting for psych feel like will mark the end. I told her I found this book but that I dont want to tell her just until I'm certain with my Dr. of a possible diagnosis (didnt inform her of what). I want this to be as fair as possible as I feel like pushing this without a diagnosis would be the most ultimate sign of disrespect but also possible unwilling to maybe accept a certain fate. 

I am part of those who put their happiness in their relationship and lost my identity by helping others and leaving myself for last. Folks tell me to focus on me and my dreams and I feel so terrible at not being able to tell them what those are. 

PS: My entire father's side of the family are neurodivergents, 4 cousins with ADHD, 1 uncle with a severe case who is divorced, my oldest son has ADHD since 5, quite possible my youngest as well. I was raised by a generation who did not believe in mental health and if my symptoms did not aling with severe cases I did not have it. Looking at my life history and reading Melissa's book depicts ADD.