Submitted by Swedish coast on 11/20/2024.
Have been wrecking my mind to understand why my ADD ex partner was so unkind in the end. All the terrible things he said and later confirmed. The best explanation for most of his behavior has been that he was trying to avoid fear and shame. With this unkindness, I struggle to make that connection. It was so destructive and hurtful. But what did he gain from it?
Was he trying to destroy everything completely so there would be no way back for us? Did he want to destroy me? Was it revenge for feeling intimidated by my over functioning?
Is this what people do when they divorce?
It's a year ago but people, I'm still heartbroken.
I appreciate you being on
Submitted by AG on
I appreciate you being on here and sharing your perspective, Swedish. And also thank you for commenting on my post.
I would guess that your ex was acting unkind and hurtful because of his own suffering and inability to process his emotions in a healthy way.
"If he's hurting so should you"
My SO just called and asked if I would like him to come home first after work or go to the (hyperfixation) casino first for arbitrage betting. Either way he's going to the casino.....so I said I'd like to see you before I go to bed so I come home first then go back out. I recognized and thanked him for considering me in making that decision, and that it means a lot for me to feel important. IDK it's one day at a time, one conversation at a time. He also did surprise me with some flowers on my car the other day when I got out of work. I know he's trying on his end and I'm trying with the positive reinforcement on my end.
That's also what makes me want to stay- sometimes I feel like we both are trying.
....And sometimes it's just so hard
Thank you
Submitted by Swedish coast on
The possible reason you give for the unkindness is probably it. I should maybe just let go of reliving the painful days of divorce. It's hard to process this though, just as you said. To me, the main goal during divorce was to be fair and kind. I knew we would both have to start new lives, and we were both in bad shape due to his illness and stress already. It was important to me to express my grief over the marriage, that I had tried so hard to save. I told him, even after he said those awful things, how much I'd appreciated him. I can't understand the meanness. The hurting on purpose.
I'm glad your partner showed some consideration for your feelings. He's probably trying. I hope it will be enough for you to have a good life together.
It’s their way of compensating for their inadequacies
Submitted by nefun76 on
Don't be too hard on your self . My ex during our divorce said the most terrible things to me- called me fat, ugly, useless, greedy and unprintable words. He was like a little boy in the playground who could not control his emotions largely because I was winning the case and he didn't want to be financially responsible for our minor children. He called me an entrepreneurial guru who went to Ivy League schools so I should solely care for the kids . He was/is an awful father and husband .
He was filled with so much resentment and envy he totally lashed out .
You should feel empathy for your ex because he likely felt intimidated and insecure of how you were able to hold things up . It's no fault of yours .
Don't give him too much power to dictate your moods/current life. Take your power back and go ahead and live your best life . You are worth it ❤️
Thank you
Submitted by Swedish coast on
So kind of you. You're right. I'll try.
I think it's just different realities.....
Submitted by c ur self on
If a person has no ability of heart to consider the effects of their actions, or no ability to put themselves in a spouse's shoe's, then they will always turn to blame to exonerate themselves for their own mental, and emotional self acceptance, so they can feel good about themselves going forward....No one wants to carry around a burden of being a bad person, not even a unsafe person....Blame can be the only form of closure many people have....
Thank you C
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I never thought I'd need to protect myself from him wanting to hurt me. But here we are.
Human Nature....
Submitted by c ur self on
Unless I see human nature (the birth minds of human's) the way my creator see's it...It will always produce bewilderment and unanswered questions about the actions of others, as well as my own thoughts and actions....
c