Short version: We were engaged and living together, along with his twin autistic 18-year-old boys (VERY difficult kids who have serious anger issues and can be violent). Two months before our wedding, he said he did not know if he wanted to get married - that he had not grieved his wife's passing, that he had never had time to be himself. I found he had been surfing a dating site. I caught him in a bunch of lies and DEMANDED that he call a therapist. We had two sessions and he stopped the couples' therapy (with another lie, btw - could not afford it, though when he told me that, he did not even know how much it cost and had not bothered to check with his insurance company - bottom line, he just didn't want to go, I think).
He did start seeing an ADHD coach, but adamantly did NOT want me to be involved in that therapy (he's very good at minimizing his symptoms and lying and charming his way out of things). Promised to see a doctor for meds (six weeks later, of course, that has not happened - he does not even had an appointment). Today he actually missed his meeting with his ADHD coach because he "forgot".
The couples' therapist thought it was a good plan for me to move out and for us to start over "dating" again. I probably don't have to tell you how that's going.... "I'll call you!", then not doing so, is happening nearly on a daily basis. He's still not paying his bills in a timely manner or getting his billing for his business sent out. He went on a short rampage of housecleaning and buying new furniture and rearranging things but I think that's settled down now. He has no idea how much money he has, has not done anything to collect money owed him (some pretty large sums involved here), has grandiose plans but never follows through (no one could in his situation - but he just can't focus on the basics that he needs to survive).
I feel as though it may be time to give up on having a relationship. I'm not seeing any progress in his life - he is not doing the things he knows need to be done, and it appears I narrowly escaped a very miserable life. Yes, we've had some nice "dates" when he's come here to visit me twice - with few distractions - but we have not even begun to talk about the important things or how we could rebuild our relationship. When I try to bring it up, he cuts me off. When I complain about his not calling me or doing the things he commits to, he withdraws.
What say ye, wise advisors?
Yesterday I read an astute
Submitted by Icefishinglady on
Yesterday I read an astute comment somewhere, comparing ADHD to being enslaved to every thought that enters one's head. How apt.
Nails in the coffin -
Submitted by Icefishinglady on
So here's a question: how do you know whether something is a "symptom" vs. just general assholery?
It seems to be a combination
Submitted by copingSAH on
It seems to be a combination of the ADD symptom, dysfunction and asshole-ism. It seems to me they just are a bit symbiotic and feed off each other. The ADD makes dysfunction worse, and vice versa. Seems also with his dysfunction, when he's deflecting, he blames the ADD and suggests that it is OK for him to be a jerk because of it.
For the longest time, I blamed it on my spouse being a jerk. Then it was all on the ADD. Then a family member related how dysfunctional it was for my spouse growing up. It is no longer just one *thing*, it is a combination of many things, and is worse when he has not had any guidance -or- is unwilling to listen to any guidance.
Spidey senses
Submitted by sunlight on
... the tingling is telling me a lot of his behavior is plain jerkery. Dating sights and lying? ADHD isn't to blame for those. Unless you two had an agreement that you could hang out with other guys then he's probably looking for someone to help with the kids and to have some fun whenever he feels like it while you mopped the floor.
counselor gave you good advice
Submitted by dedelight4 on
HI, icefishinglady. I'm sorry you had to go through what you did. But, I do think your counselor gave you some wise advice. It seems like you would have had quite a hellish life if you had actually married this man. It's easy to fall in love with an ADHD'er, but when they won't deal with their condition, it can be a rough ride, even a horrible one. I know that sometimes they can't "help" doing what they do, but the things your guy was doing was not just ADHD. He was willingly hurting you just for the sake of being selfish. He doesn't happen to be in his mid to late 40's does he?( Just asking. personal experience with a man with a mid-life crisis) The ADHD just helped my husband NOT use impulse control and he went off the deep end for a while.
You most likely would have ended up doing "everything", and then get blamed if he messed something up. We ALL know this scenario. It's a hard life with someone who can do very little as a productive adult and see nothing wrong with that, yet blame everyone else but himself/herself. Some ADHD'ers embrace their condition, work well with counselors and do very well with their spouses when they work on everything together. There are some good examples of this on this forum, but there's also the other lives, where the non-spouse does most of the work, and gets very little for their efforts.
Anyway, I know you will be great, and I wish you all the very best. Even if there is pain for a while, it will get better. Take care and hugs.
Let him go...
Submitted by kalexandria on
I feel your frustration. But you must accept the fact that he is a full grown man (even though he doesn't behave like one), and that you are not his mother. You are absolutely right when you said you narrowly escaped a life of misery! You can't see this just yet, but in time you will be grateful for the break. It's always harder when it wasn't your decision. But in the long run you are the one who will benefit most from it!!! If your try to force a relationship with this man, you will be frustrated for the rest of your days just as you are now. You will never change this man. You can only change your own destiny!! I wish you luck!