Submitted by Regina-Lucy on 10/10/2024.
I am in a committed relationship with a neurodivergent partner with ADHD and as the female parent of neurodivergent children, I am an empath with OCD who feels overwhelmed by the constant need to hold space for others' anxieties. The weight of my family seeking emotional support during their panic attacks, including my mother, leaves me feeling exhausted and drained. I yearn for personal boundaries to be respected and for the responsibility of emotional caretaking to be shared more equally.
The most triggering things I hear are:
- I need you why are you not supporting me. I just need this.
- Why are you so upset? It (insert ADHD/EF trait) isn't a big deal.
- You need to figure out how to accept this.
Sorry, I have not place to share this. I'm waiting for the winter/spring non-ADHD groups to be opened.
Thanks for letting me release this.
Delete if it's inappropriate.
Boundaries
Submitted by Swedish coast on
It sounds like you have to carry too much. I'm sorry.
I was offered professional advice when overwhelmed with my ADD ex husband's influence on the family. It was: leave home several times a week to do something recreational alone. It was good advice. It refreshed me and pulled me out of situational depression. It also meant things had to be solved by others while I was away.
If others weigh you down, you need to balance that. So I'd try to create some space. Which could mean not answering your phone and only getting back to dear ones after their panic attacks have subsided or when you have the energy. It could mean taking up a hobby that keeps you away from your home repeatedly during the week. It also could mean answering requests with a flat no.
We're not obliged to supply emotional support to others. You have a right to choose how much you can afford.
Wishing you all the best.
Thank you for these kind
Submitted by Regina-Lucy on
Thank you for these kind words. Sometimes when you are in the thick of it you can start second guessing yourself. I appreciate your words and perspective
I would say you're not alone
Submitted by Easy_Rider_ on
I would say you're not alone in your frustration and resentment. Being the non-ADHD partner is a constant battle to implement and enforce healthy boundaries. It's honestly exhausting and most days feel hopeless because it's the same thing but different day. That said, I do think it's the right way tk deal with the relationship instead of just giving into the chaos. I've noticed my ADHD children are able to manage their attention and focus much better after years of helping them through behavioral therapy. Sometimes I'm think of a person makes it to adulthood with undiagnosed ADHD, it's simply too late to make any meaningful changes in an attempt to save a relationship.
That last sentence!
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I think so too. It's too late. If a person with ADHD has been unaware of it during all formative years, they have probably first used all their youthful strength to compensate for ADHD. Then they've started to lean heavily on their spouse, or some other support system, and become increasingly dysfunctional partners, as well as anguished, depressed, and burnt out. Going from there to co-creating a happy fulfilling marriage for both parties? I haven't heard of it yet.