I am new to this blog. I am a 29yo F who has ADD on medications. My partner and I have know each other for ten years and have been married for 3. I have come to realize that my partner has severe undiagnosed adhd. I thought I was disorganized and spacey until I began living with him. When we dated I did pick up red flags, messy apartment, survived on take-out and dependent on his mom for many chores. Of course love is blind and I figured that he would grow out of these bad habits. Wrong. Things honestly started right after moving in together. We did not live together before marriage. We moved shortly after marriage two hours away from friends and family. I started graduate school full time. He started a new job. The biggest glaring issue is the lack of balance between household tasks. As a full time student, I feel constantly overwhelmed. He works from home but frankly gets nothing done all day. He has had 4 different jobs since starting marriage 3 years ago. When he gets a new job, two weeks later he's looking for another. It's like he can't be content to work. His effort at work deteriorates once he loses interest. He is a complete phone zombie. Spends hours on his phone mindlessly scrolling. I feel like a mean and different person now. I feel like a parent. He can't manage his health/appts, he refuses to cook or do any household chores. He will leave the dogs piss on the floor for me to clean and uses weaponized incompetence on me constantly. When I ask him to do something it never happens I tell him it take 3-5 business days for him to compete washing the dishes which at that point the dishes have piled up. I feel extremely anxious and feel overwhelmed. I realized this week that I have no desire to have children with this man. I know he will be a fun dad but will he care for the kids and do things that are needed that he may not want to do? He has not shown me that he will at all. I am so fed up. I understand he has ADHD but am unsure how to break it to him. I've become the bad guy I've said things to him that are terrible. I tell him I am a doctor I cannot manage the entirety of your life and the household and be a doctor at the same time. He tells me I'm not a good wife. My anxiety is worse than it's ever been. I'm laying in bed right now just thinking of the sink of dishes, the unwashed dog and the leaves him and his friends tracked in last night after I vacuumed. These thoughts of all the "undone" tasks only seem to enter my mind not his. If anything is to get done it's because I am "nagging" him to do so. I am honestly at the end of my rope and feel that my marriage is in shambles. I don't know how to communicate with him. I feel that he will never change. Also are sex life has suffered greatly. Now realizing that this is not because of something that is my fault. I blamed myself for our lack of sex. I realize now that it's hard to be in the mood when your partner feels more like your child then your husband. I love him but feel like I don't want to keep compromising my happiness and peace to keep things afloat. I want to make things work but feel as if I'm at a crossroads and cannot decide how to communicate how I feel. I have of course talked to him about his lack of contribution to the household. I am usually gaslit. He does not understand why it's a big deal to me. He makes jokes saying that's a women's job. He will tell me I'm a good wife when I cook a meal. My value as a wife is not dependent on how much I cater to his needs for mothering. We are new to marriage but I realize now his behavior is not normal. Being ADD myself does not help. Any advice is appreciated.
Venting…
Submitted by honeybadger21 on 04/24/2023.
You are seeing clearly
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi there - I experienced a very similar dynamic. I didn't realize at the outset with hyperfocus + explaining little things away what I was getting into. You are very wise not to have children with him. I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything, but my ex-husband is a parent in name only. He could not handle the responsibilities that come with a child and you will see many versions of this from other posters here and on the ADHD partner reddit.
You have to do what's right for you. If you are already done, I would end things as soon as you can, maybe getting a plan in place before you say anything (new place to live, all financial documents accounted for, advice from a lawyer etc.). If you still want it to work, I'm sure it's unpopular, but I'd recommend an ultimatum. Time has run out for the speak softly and tip-toe approach (which never worked for me anyway). I might tell him that xyz has to change or you have to reevaluate if you can continue in the marriage for your own health and happiness. If you do that, I would suggest also giving him an idea of how you expect him to step up: EG: 1. Get diagnosed. 2. Start ADHD meds. 3. Go to ADHD therapy or coaching weekly. 4. Take on certain duties reliably. He'll either step up or he won't. You'll see pretty quickly if he has it in him to be a responsible adult and partner who cares about your happiness in the relationship.
Most immediately, I would recommend not doing anything you don't have to do for him, including cooking and his laundry. I get that there are still a ton of things you'll have to do because they affect you too, but there is nothing wrong with making a meal just for yourself and telling him that until he's willing to share the shopping, cooking and kitchen cleaning duties, you are only cooking for yourself.
I know it's a spectrum, but you have ADHD and you are being a responsible person. It is up to him to treat his ADHD adequately so that he can be an accountable partner to you as you are to him. You deserve that.
Assistance needed...
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Hi, and welcome to the forum.
It sounds as if you are in a parent-child dynamic with your partner...learning more about it will at least give you some footing for looking at what this power struggle, low-boundary pattern looks like. I would suggest you consider reading The ADHD Effect on Marriage (or listen to it - go to Audible) or The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD as background for more info. In addition, I would strongly recommend that you consider reading Terry Cole's book, Boundary Boss.
The amount of stress that you are getting from your relationship is hurtful to you physically as well as mentally, and if it also makes your own ADHD worse, which is not helpful - you have much to juggle. I hope that Boundary Boss will help you determine what your top priorities are and help you sort out how to stand up to the rebellion your partner is throwing your way. In the meantime, you are correct - don't have kids together unless you feel that BOTH of you have made it to a place where each partner holds his/her/their own in a stable way.
I can relate
Submitted by T00T00 on
I can relate.
I am the non-ADHD wife. I had a hard time coping with what you experienced in my past (few years ago), but I had to keep going (work) because I was the breadwinner with a mortgage. The work distraction helped (now I miss work hahaha) & so does being financially independent (still a plus then & now).
Please definitely keep away from having children. If I went back in time, I would focus on the marital relationship including household chores and work stress.
I am only able to cope with child-rearing because of my parent's support (10 minute drive away). I live with them now & my husband seem to be able to do chores & cook/buy food for himself.
When he compliments about cooking his meals, just take it as a compliment. It was hard for me to accept that.
When he says about it being a woman's job, I used to say "working to make money is a man's job & so does being the breadwinner. I'm doing both, so am I the man in the relationship?" Yes, it was unkind of me & did nothing to resolve the problem. I still have problems with this past incident for sure.
It gets harder if it's 1-sided relationship. The lack of love makes it worse. Please try to find out both of your love languages together (take the quiz together).