Hello,
I am seeking guidance on a situation that I feel many of you are familiar with. I am a 41 year old woman diagnosed with ADHD married to a non-ADHD husband. I have had ADHD all my life but just (re)started meds (Elvanse) a about a month ago. I am still adjusting.
My husband and I had a terrible fall out last night, it tore me to pieces and yet it woke me up. I learned that for the last six months, he has felt that our marriage has been heading downhill. This was news to me - and he claimed that it was obvious it was the case. Nonetheless, my heart has been broken to pieces and he further stated that he doesn't love me as much anymore due to my neglect of him. He made me realize that I have been neglecting him and not spending any time with him. I didn't realise it until he informed me last night. Words of divorce were thrown around and it got UGLY. Bottom line is that we cannot communicate effectively but we have agreed (due to our deep love for each other) to take this forward 120%. The challenge is that by the time he comes home from work, my medication has worn off and I am not able to be focused etc. My ADHD symptoms are in full force so thinking goes out the door.
My question to all of you is this : what are some good next steps? We are planning on having a heart to heart tomorrow evening to discuss a solution to this. I would like to create a *plan* together but I also want to get your feedback on what types of things work (communication exercises etc.). He simply wants more time with me and I am so happy to give that to him. I simply want us to communicate properly and understand each other. This is a THE TURNING POINT. I haven't taken the time to include all the messy details. But if you have any ideas - suggestions advice - I would be so eager and appreciative to hear.
Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.
G
Kudos!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hey, GGG - I think you're fantastic for really hearing what your husband had to say despite that fact that it surprised you and wasn't the experience you felt you were having in the marriage. I wish my husband had reacted the way you are - looking for ways to solve and improve things.
I wonder if there is another medication that might work later into the day for you or if you can take your med at noon vs. the a.m. to get more lasting effects. I know some meds can keep you up at night so that may not be possible. Maybe he can be patient through the week, but you can give him a lot of attention on weekends. Exercise is supposed to be helpful - maybe if you work out just before he gets home that would give you a boost.
I can only speak for myself, but as a non-ADHD partner, I would like to hear that you heard what I had to say and you see it now. You didn't see it but you do and you are committed to working on it. To be fair to you, to have that heart to heart in the evening when you know you aren't at your best might not be ideal for you, but I'm sure you both just want to address this asap. Maybe you can ask him for a list of things that upset him most and he can prioritize just a few that cause him the most stress so you aren't overwhelmed with working on everything at once. If it is time together as you've mentioned, you can schedule dates and put reminders in your phone so you won't forget. If it is household mess/task imbalance, maybe you can talk about the affordability of a cleaning service or scheduling time to clean with reminders and timers. Or maybe if he is going to do most of the cleaning, you can take on a job that is currently on his shoulders and would lighten his load.
As a non-partner, I know I want a partner who shows me I am loved in actions. Maybe a cute note left on the table. A surprise dinner. Asking me to watch a movie. Then I wouldn't feel alone. I want a partner who shares the household load with me equally. That includes the mental load - I feel like every bill, event, purchase, appointment, etc. is my responsibility because my partner can't keep track. It is too much. I would like my partner to see what needs doing without being asked by me because I am carrying the mental load again there even if I'm not the one doing the work. I would like my partner to listen when I talk rather than interrupt or ask me to repeat something ten times. I would love if he would look me in the eyes and at least try to hear me the first time. When I am busy and looking stressed, I would like my partner to notice that and offer to help instead of being in his own world. (E.G. When company is coming and I am doing everything from the shopping to the cleaning to the meal prep, it would be great if he would realize on his own that company=work and take on some of those jobs.) When a promise is made (to do the dishes, to pick up some milk, to finish a project), I would like that promise kept vs. forgotten/neglected because then it falls in my lap to either do it myself or continue to nag and remind until it's done, which makes me feel awful.
I don't know if that helps since that's just me and a few examples from my world and I don't know what your hubby's experience has been. You can't possible address everything at once, but if he knows that you hear him and you are committed to attempting to do things differently - and this is important... that he SEES you putting things in motion (reminders on your phone, approaching him for dates regularly, etc.)... you will be miles ahead of a lot of folks with ADHD (imo). If there is an ADHD experienced therapist in your area, maybe that would help you form a plan and stick to it. Therapy would also help him understand how your brain works differently (if he doesn't already) so he can stay patient and supportive.
Just my thoughts. All the best.
Love this!
Submitted by goodnessgraciousgirl on
Hi!
Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful and to the point reply. I will definitely use this as a guideline tomorrow and will let you know how it goes. Thank you so so much!!!
Do not have crucial meeting while your are off ADHD meds
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Don't handicap your chances of having a productive meeting.
Agreed!
Submitted by goodnessgraciousgirl on
own it.
Submitted by husband33 on
i agree with every word posted by Mel & Will.
we are the same age and my wife also recently started meds. last night we also had a blowout in front of the kids. again.
you already have shown self-awareness and willingness to make an effort for your partner's sake. i can't get her to these first steps, good on you for waking up!
for me, the most basic need is to have my wife acknowledge that her ADHD symptoms are impacting our marriage and family and to stop the blaming, denials, diversions, lying and playing a victim. instead, own it.
when you drop a ball, own it. if your husband picked up the ball for you, own it and acknowledge his extra effort to back you up.
if you are late again, or forgot again, or lost track of the task again, or spent too much again, own it. don't blame everybody else.
the denial, blame, lack of responsibility and awareness, playing victim come across as dishonesty and erodes trust.
maybe this is not relevant in your situation, maybe you already own your symptoms.
if your husband does some research and understands symptom behavior, he can start to see what is ADHD=you can't help and not take it as personally against him. also, i think neglect physically and emotionally are experienced differently males vs female. for me neglect is a stab to my soul, my confidence.
Education - I agree!
Submitted by goodnessgraciousgirl on
Hi there!
My husband has been hesitant to do any research on ADHD but finally agreed to do so last night. You are ahead of the curve by doing the research already, proactively :). I think that once he reads some of the info - many “light bulbs” will go off! Or at least I hope so!
Your wife can message me anytime —-
Yes... your hubby has a responsibility, too!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
It's great that he agreed to do some research. I know that helped me. Though my husband won't accept treatment or that ADHD impacts our relationship, it did help ME understand why we are where we are! It helped to understand how busy his brain is compared to mine. It helped to understand why the concept of time is difficult for him. That interrupting isn't because he thinks his thoughts are more important - it's that he'll forget them if he doesn't blurt them right then.
I am devastated that my husband will not treat his ADHD, but even with that, understanding the symptoms and drivers has helped me not take it personally.
Good luck tonight!
Holla yes!
Submitted by goodnessgraciousgirl on
Hi 1Melody1,
In the beginning, he didn't want to do research because he only wanted to hear it from my personal experiences. I explained that there is so much that I cannot properly express myself (in most matters in life) and that it could help him see things from an objective point of view. I personally feel that what happened yesterday made him realise that this is deeper than he may have thought (of course I could be wrong). I am not asking him to read heavy scientific articles, just basic articles written simply and clearly. I will see tomorrow night if that has helped him or not.
How long has your husband been aware of his ADHD? Why won't he accept treatment? I feel like that is one of the biggest things I can do to contribute to our marriage in a positive manner, to have treatment. And heck no, it isn't easy - but it is worth it. Even the tiny changes made in behaviors (due to a new found self awareness) have improved my life - specifically my career and my relationship with my daughter.
Oh yes - the ADHD brain is so different as you know. You really are being the big person here by being pro active and researching the condition. It oozes into every area of our lives. Whether we admit it or not. Maybe he is going through the phases of denial, anger etc. I am almost at acceptance. Very close, but not quite there yet.
From my personal life experience, I can see now how much ADHD has affected (negatively) all my relationships - especially the ones that mattered. I wish I would have (re)started treatment earlier to begin the process earlier; however, better late than never. I just truly hope that my husband and I can come to common ground and become stronger with this.
On that note, I also wish that you are your husband can make positive progress. Understanding is key. I want my husband to understand this ADHD/ED dysfunction and I want to understand more of how he thinks and operates as a neurotypical. Two totally different worlds.
I had to laugh when you mentioned the interrupting - and why we do it - it's so true, if we don't - we will forget! It's nice to be able to laugh at myself.
Best wishes!
Better late than never
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
"...better late than never."
Couldn't agree more! I have known about my husband's ADHD for 11 years. He admitted aloud only a few years ago that perhaps he has a "mild case." (It's not mild!) He was prescribed Adderall, but he only finished a small prescription of it and only when he felt like staying up late (vs. for symptom management). He refuses counseling either for himself or for us as a couple. I think it is because to him, he doesn't have symptoms that need managing. He seems to love the way he is and he feels I am the one with the problem. Though he knows I am very unhappy, lonely and exhausted he is unwilling to do anything to address his symptoms.
But you are. Go you! :)
Hypnotised
Submitted by goodnessgraciousgirl on
1Melody1,
I am so sorry to hear about that - I mean, I understand that it's hard to accept ADHD. It's painful at first (for some). I truly hope that he will see that forest for the trees sooner than later. He's hypnotised by his own beliefs. And you know, when it comes down to it - ADHD or not - men will be men :-)
With love,
Ginger
Identifying problems....
Submitted by c ur self on
(He made me realize that I have been neglecting him and not spending any time with him.)
Learning to identify the little things...Him learning to look through your eyes....You learning to looking through his eyes...Your comment above is very frustrating to someone who don't understand lost awareness at a level they didn't even know existed...So his frustrations will be building, over something based on your comment above, you weren't even aware of...He can't understand how someone can be unaware of the amount of time and attention that has been being shared between you two over an extended period...(the past 6 months)....It's Sooo crucial you and he not interrupt each other when you think he is being hard....And he thinks you are making excuses....You must agree to be patient while discussing this, no matter how lost you feel...It's difficult....
Just like the statement above....He want get that...Because he can set and tell you most ever detail about what has gone on over the same time period....
One other thing you can do is....Decide what must have your attention (job, children, house etc...)...Even if you and your husband have to schedule time together, do it....Our marriage relationships need to be nurtured....If you over load your self (him to for that matter) with other people, places, and things...No matter how bad you want to change it, it want be possible...Keep your life simplified....Like one of the other posters said.....With ownership of our junk, (and we all have junk;)), and a heart to make it right, we can do it.....
Blessings
c
Self awareness!
Submitted by goodnessgraciousgirl on
Hi C UR Self!
Thank you for your comment! The biggest gift, in my opinion, of effective medical treatment for ADHD - is self awareness. It's brought so many AHA moments, of seeing what my non ADHD husband has been complaining or talking about. However, since it is so early (just about a month) - I have become aware of only some of the non positive behaviours, or behaviours that can create dysfunction in life. The easier part is learning how to manage career (that's still a challenge) vs marriage.
And you are right - that's something I haven't even thought of before - the extreme level of UNawareness that I have been living in for over 40 years! It's sad in a way, because I have missed out on so much of life because of it...and I can't even remember the details of the most important and meaningful events of my life. Just snapshots of the big picture. These kinds of things are what I am learning to accept. I cannot go back in time. I can only learn to appreciate what the past has taught me and also how it has positively contributed to my life.
Yes, I agree with you - I need to KEEP IT SIMPLE. Pick those things I want to focus on healing the most versus *everything* - the journey to perfection.
I want to learn to put myself in his shoes. And I will figure out a way, and will also bring this up to him tonight.
With gratitude,
Ginger
goodnessgraciousgirl...l love that name...Sounds Southern;)
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm an Alabama Boy....
With the positive energy you show in your writing (attitude) to confront yourself, and your love for your husband, you will be successful in your efforts.....Just calmly stick to your own reality, and do the work to make yourself the best you, you can be....If your spouse does the same in his own life, you guys should be fine...
Blessings
c
Southern - Texas!
Submitted by goodnessgraciousgirl on
Hi there!
You hit it on the nail and I am smiling :)! I grew up in Texas (for the first 30+ years of my life) but now live in Finland. It's a long ADHD story that led me here. Go figure right?
Yup, you are right - I do still need appreciate my own reality - which is becoming easier by the day. Research, diagnosis and treatment for this *dysfunction* is leading to a deeper understanding of it as well as acceptance. The best thing about all of this - is like you said - making me the best version of myself possible. I finally feel like I am on that road!
Spoke with my spouse last night and explained, as logically as I was able to, the ins and outs of ADHD. It was VERY beneficial to him. He appreciated it a lot along with the new insights and understanding it brought him. And I learned something amazing - and so simple.
All he wants is to spend more time with me. Nothing more. I couldn't be happier to oblige :)!
Blessings right back at ya!
GGG
Can you maybe talk to your
Submitted by CarolineR on
Can you maybe talk to your doctor about a "top-up" that you could take mid to late afternoon? We have found that a small does of adderal at 4pm gets my husband to 9pm intsead of just ot the end of the work day. It makes a big difference for my children and me.
Last night medication
Submitted by goodnessgraciousgirl on
Hi there!
Yesterday I took my last dose (small) of Elvanse/Vyvanse at 6:00 pm and it worked! I was a little tired (late in the day) - but was able to focus on the conversation. Went to bed around 11:00 pm. That seems to work. We do not have Adderall in Europe. We have Dexadrine IR, but I cannot stand that stuff. Since the Elvanse/Vyvanse lasts 4-6 hours (depending on dose - I am still experimenting during this first month) - I use it as I would a 10 mg Adderall IR (when I was in US that's what I was being treated with and it lasted 4 ish hours). I wish that each dose lasted me the entire 12 hours - however; I haven't yet gotten to the point in titration where I take large doses at once in the morning. I will test this out next week!
:)