Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 12/04/2008.
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Comments
Five Year Relationship
Submitted by Jane on
I have been in a five year relationship with a wonderful man. Two years ago he decided to move in with me and this past October he moved out because he needed his space, the house was to small, but this has NOTHING to do with how he feels about me. In the past when we were not living together there would be a cycle of him almost isolating himself without warning and absolutely no communication not just with me but the whole entire world aroiund him. Then would appear a few days later as if nothing ever happened or sheepishly cautious in case I picked up on it. Living together I have observed distraction, unable to committ to any task never mind social committments. Prolonged hours at work and when I call him he has no clue what time it is. Has drive for playing music. That is all he does lately besides work and it comes before his family, friends, etc. He will make comments to me from time to time that his mind is always racing. He thinks to much. We are still together because I do honestly believe that he loves me but cant help himself. After reading Driven to Distraction I am convinced he has ADD. Not to mention his siblings/mother can never stay on topic and try to have ten conversations at one time. At 55 years old he is NOT open to their being anything "wrong" although I believe inside he is miserable. Thoughts?
5 year relationship
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Might be ADD or might be something else, like bipolar, or...I'm not a doctor, but one could probably figure it out.
The question for you, though, is what does this relationship give you beyond the ability to say that you are in a relationship? If you are satisfied with the way that it is going, and love yourself and your man when you are in it, then that's great. But don't just stay in a relationship because you are afraid to not be in one. At a minimum, make sure that you have plenty of other relationships (friends, family, etc) to provide you the sustenance of community, since this man seems to frequently disappear. Better yet, you might consider talking with a therapist about the compexities of this relationship and the way that you are in it. I hear in your words quite a lot of disappointment with the way things are right now and with some of his hobbies and traits (music, ability to completely sublimate himself into a task in a way that causes him to even lose track of time, etc.) These things you describe aren't necessarily bad things (losing yourself in a project is a great trait if you are needing to invent something, for example) but they seem to be causing you problems, so explore that with a professional if you can. Since you think ADD might be a part of it, make sure to find someone who is familiar with ADD.
5 year relationship
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
Help
Submitted by fool on
My Husband and I have been married for 7 years and we have a beautiful child together. He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was a teenager and has been getting help ever since. He is on medication and has counseling every few weeks. He has overcome many high stem behaviors over the years, ie( drugs, gambling). He has an a huge heart, very caring and is a wonderful father and provider. He is very responsible and has kept the same job for many years.
A couple of years ago I found out he had an affair. I decided to stay for the sake of our love and for our amazing child. We have been getting help ever since. From the beginning I said that if it happened again I could not stay and would leave him. Our sex life got better and we were really rebuilding our relationship. I have struggled with trusting him again and he has broken my trust multiple times by having phone relations with other women. He has told me that the women have not meant anything to him and he has not been physical with any of them except the one he had an affair with. Which he says he never had true feeling for only enjoyed the chase. The actual intercourse was a let down and made him feel very guilt ridden. He says it is more of a high stem bordem thing and pushing the boundaries of what he can and can't do.
I had been checking phone records and emails and making myself crazy. Calling all the time and wanting to know where he was at all times. I could have been a very good spy, if i wanted a career change:).
Through my counseling, I decided that if I was truely going to trust him and move on in this relationship I had to stop playing CIA and believe that he would not continue these behaviors. I stopped letting it consume my life and got stronger and was very optimistic. I told him I needed total commitment from him and I felt if I had that he would stop this other stuff. I felt such a sense of relief.
Last week I found out he was talking to another women (always different) and not from playing detective, because I had not checked any phones. I had lived up to my end of not checking up, not calling and truly trying to trust him again. I got so angry, in the past I have always gotten depressed and withdrawn. This time it was pure anger and I let him have it. i said some really terrible things, that is totally not my personality. I told him if he was not happy he needed leave. I was not keeping him here, but if you leave you cannot come back, this is not a revolving door.
He told me that he has felt a trapped feeling from the instituation of marriage and that if he did not love me he would have left a long time ago. He was very hestitant about having children, but knew I wanted them. That being said he loves his child more than life and would do anything for him. The trapped feeling got a lot worse after we had the child. He was being very honest and told me he struggles with the idea of marriage and being responsible for a child. He told me if it did not work with us he would never marry again. He told me if he could not make it work with me, than it would never work with anyone. He said he could not have a more understanding and caring wife. He says he has been working on commiting himself fully and changing his outlook on marriage with his therapist.
I have told him again that if he is unhappy and does not want to be married to me he needs to leave. He asked me if I am kicking him out, I said no, but I am not making you stay. He cannot put that on me, he has to make that choice himself. I cannot live with my child thinking I kicked his father out unless he has another affair. I have made it clear that I am committed and love him and want to make it work, but cannot make him stay. He is the only one in control of his destiny. He is very confused, but says he wants to make it work because of his love and commitment to his family.
I don't think he is the type of man that has no morals and enjoys cheating on his wife. I don't know how much of this behavior is from the ADHD and if he is truly able to change. But I am not objective, since I am the one going through it. Please help me and tell me if I am just being a fool by staying.
Help
Submitted by adder on
You can only help and support
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
re: help is in your hands
Submitted by optomistic on
I have been married going on 13 yrs to a husband with adhd/depression alcoholic and drugs. Although my husband swears he never cheated on me he has admitted to going to strip clubs while I was at home pregnant with our 4th child and watching porn on line. well he has stayed in the marriage because he didn't want to fail another thing in his life. At this time we are seperated and I have to admit my life is so very peaceful. even my kids are at peace. Of course they miss him and he sees them every week end for us this is very healthy. I have read all kinds of books went to theraphy learned different things but I believe that my husband's brain is fried. He has been on muscle pain relaxants along with drinking and pot and his depression meds and adhd meds come on how much can your brain take? He has done damaging things and put his family in danger.which I wrote about previously under optomistic. I do believe my husband loves me, he has put effort but he has addictions.He was diagnosed as a young child and his parents have stories as well. So sad I see how my husband suffers . I have been devoted and stood by his side many times even when he got kicked out of college for carrying a gun which I told him I never approved and he went ahead and bought it anyway. He also lost his job over the incident. He is paying BIG time now although he never would hurt anyone. He would be very angry at me for even being on this forum but it helps me to write and get it out off my chest instead of having a pill for anxiety. Although I'am a christian and I have my faith which is my medicine and the best at that.My husband did not want to leave but he kept exploding. My husband has morals went to church and has dropped out of church because of all the things he did this past year. Forgiveness is the big issue, if you don't have forgiveness, bitterness will eat you alive.Marriage is a union between 2 people not 3or7,etc.... My husband has told me I was caring and understanding but when it effects your health and your children's then you have to ask yourself How much do you have to take? A house divided against itself will not prevail. I feel for you and your husband Adhd can be so very difficult to deal with. I don't know if I can handle anymore chaos, I'am enjoying the peace and feel good about myself which I haven't for so long. I'am loving life. I asked my husband how he was doing and I don't think he feels that good. I really believe he needs rehab but he won't go. I have always wanted the best for him and I do want to admit that I made mistakes as well.I feel for so many of you on both sides.
I wish the best for you may you take time to reflect on everything around you and what you want for your future..Be at peace!
Help
Submitted by fool on
Melissa, do you have some advice on how I can help my husband stop this behavior, or alternative high stem behaviors that are healthy. I believe him when he says he has not physically cheated again, but I still think it is so dangerous to even play these games (probably why it feeds his boredom and high stem). I am really trying to not take it personally, but it can be so hard. When he says he has this trapped feeling from marriage, does that mean he doesn't want to be married and I should just let him go? I am really confused. My story is above, written on the 4th. thanks
How to Manage Need for High Stimulation
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
This is an intensely interesting thread, I think, and it gets at some really basic issues - what makes a "good" relationship? What is the glue that holds us together? What sorts of "sacrifices" in a marriage are good or helpful, if any? Are there ways to get someone who seeks stimulation an alternative?
Your response to your husband's behavior must be your own...I can only provide you some details about my own experience, which in this case does not mirror yours exactly. Also, I can share some observations about successfully handling these types of stresses. Remember as I do this that I am not a trained therapist or doctor - you are reading my opinions and that's it. (I like to think I'm balanced and thoughtful, but that's for you to decide.)
First, let me say that while I think there is a role for a non-ADD spouse to play in helping her husband overcome ADD issues, I do not think that it is her duty to do so, nor do I think that staying in a relationship for the sake of another person (i.e. a child) is always the right path. I agree with the post that ADDer has added to this conversation, though, when he/she says it takes courage to stay and make things better...I disagree when he/she says "you have the power to transform your man and turn his life around". You can create a loving, supporting environment in which it is easier for him to turn his life around, but only HE can turn his life around. Falling for the idea that you can turn someone else's life around is one reason why so many non-ADD spouses are miserable - they can't figure out why all of their effort yields so little progress.
So, on to your specific situation - your relationship around your husband's need for stimulation, and his current feeding of that need with phone sex or chasing women, or whatever he's doing on the phone. First, let me congratulate you on taking control of your own feelings about his past behavior and stopping your own detective work. That takes self control, as well as a good head on your shoulders. The detective work was only hurting you, as you figured out, by making you crazy.
You say that your husband has overcome other high stimulation behaviors in the past, yet suggest that he has moved onto different high stim behaviors in so doing. What could he do differently to lessen his need for the stimulation? Different treatment? Incremental exercise (a different type of stimulation might be to run marathons or the like)? And how does this particular type of behavior affect the two of you vs. other possible replacement candidates? (race car driving? bungee jumping? gambling - which I wouldn't recommend!) You have a right to ask that he not betray you either emotionally or physically, though to be honest as you describe his behavior it doesn't actually sound as if he is doing either (if you are right that he doesn't follow up with these women - I'm always skeptical of that particular claim, but that's me - you're on the ground there, not me.)
I can understand his issues with marriage, to be frank. The thought of "forever" can be scary if you aren't feeling just right about what is going on around you. There are burdens and responsibilities that come along with child rearing that could easily scare anyone who doubted his/her own ability to provide adequately (however you describe that - financially, emotionally, etc.) I'm guessing that part of your husband's fear of marriage has to do with his own self-doubt...if you are single and decide that you aren't up to the tasks or responsibilities of any given relationship for whatever reason, you can just walk out (make some excuse, even) and move on to a more comfortable place. Sounds much easier than the long-term commitments of marriage, even if in the long term it is also less fulfilling (remember lots of ADD people don't think in terms of the long term very well....) Plus, for someone who is into stimulation, infatuation is great...the forever of marriage might be pretty darned hard. That said, I'm very pro-marriage because I do believe that a good one provides a stability and security that is hard to beat.
So, your options....one would be that you could "become more French" as I think of it (and apologies to the French...I'm not picking on you). Couples make all sorts of arrangements - some of which include a certain amount of getting what you need outside the marriage with the acknowledgement of the other spouse. Some people do this very successfully...not sure from your note if you would be able to be one of them. Certainly, you would need to be clear about why you set up an alternative sort of relationship, what you both got out of it, and what the boundaries are.
Next option - work to get your husband's need for high stim under control. To do this would take a carefully coordinated set of agreements - that he start seeing his therapist more regularly and around this particular topic, that he consider experimenting with his ADD treatments to get this particular symptom more under control (this could be medicinal experimentation as well as non-medicinal...I wonder if a very rigorous physical regimen could help him address this particular symptom by replacing the phone calls with high-stim exercise...or possibly meditation???? A doctor might help him experiment with different approaches...) Anyway, the need for high stimulation is a symptom...treating like one that isn't well addressed at this juncture my help him find a way to better control it.
Next option - accept that he will always need high stimulation and make a concerted effort to channel this need more productively. I wasn't kidding when I suggested race cars above...or perhaps skiing or some other adrenaline activity. Think through the profile of what he might choose...to support this approach and to remain connected, you will likely need to either adopt his hobby or at least be willing to go along with him to enjoy it as a spectator....
Next option - force a crisis. You have already laid down the law about another affair, you could choose to also extend that to mean he must end all not-above-board relationships with other women. He would then have to decide whether he wanted the stimulation more than his marriage.
These aren't mutually exclusive options...but you must look deep inside yourself to decide what it is YOU want and can live with, for there are consequences to any choice you make. As you can't control his behavior, you must be sure that the choice that you make is one that you will feel good about making - in other words don't choose one over the other because you think it has a higher chance of changing his behavior, but rather because you feel that it is the best option for you and for both of you at this time.
I cheer you on for your attitude - and think that you are doing marvellously well with this difficult situation. You are showing great strength and understanding, and encourage you to continue doing the same...provided that you do not sacrifice your core beliefs in any response you might choose. As it happens, you are doing what I would do...requesting change, setting boundaries around key issues that are critical to you, trying to create an atmosphere in which your husband feels "safe" to make the changes he needs to make. You are right to attribute your husband's behavior to his ADD symptoms, but also right to suggest that the symptom may be a reason, but shouldn't be an excuse to continue. I urge you to remain thoughtful and flexible at this time.
Not sure if this is helpful...I would like to be able to provide some magic insight, but can't other than to say that choosing a response in this type of situation is very personal - listen to your heart...just make sure not to sublimate your own needs in a way that diminish you as a person...for you will both lose (as will your marriage) if you do.
High stim response
Submitted by fool on
Thank you for your insight. It is very helpful and has given me a lot to think about and how to be true to myself.
I guess some of the things that really struck a cord with me were the parts about self doubt, core values, and are the behaviors because of the adhd or because I am the wrong partner for him.
Yes, one of my core values is that I do not cheat , but I also know that people can make mistakes and I am willing to forgive once if that is truly what it is, a mistake (does that answer the french question). But is it a cry out from him to say, I want out of this marriage, leave me so I don't have to leave you??
I know why I am married to this man. He is one of the most giving, loving,smart, , caring people I know. One of the reasons I married him is because he is the type of man that would take his shirt off and give it to his friend or family if they were in need. He has such a strong commitment and loyalty to his family. Is he perfect, no, am i perfect no. Does he see this in himself? I don't know? Is that where the self doubt comes? I tell him all the time he is a wonderful husband and a terrific father. Yes, I stay for all these reasons and also because I am committed to him and our child. It is very black and white for me, If he cheats again or abuses me (which I know he would never do, I am gone.
Does he say outrage, inappropriate things (not to me, because i have told him I will not be spoken to that way), is he inpatient about things he does not want to do, can he not have a long conversation without cutting it off before you are ready,does he hardly stop at stop signs (stops when child is in the car), is he distracted a lot of the time, does he not give me all the attention I want, can he be moody, YES. But i can live with those things. Does that make me a weak person, I don't think so, but maybe others do?
But maybe I am not the right parnter for him and that is why he seeks out this behavior. Maybe he needs the french way to be happy, I have actually asked him if he wanted that and he looked at me like I was crazy (not that I would do that). He said he could not live in an open marriage. Maybe i am not exciting enough, maybe i don't have enough drama, maybe I am boring and predictable to him, or to serious, or to messy, forgetful, moody. Maybe I am not what he wants and feels he would be better without me. If that is how he feels, he needs to leave.
If sky diving, drag racing, flying a plane would help so he did not do this other behavior, yes I would be ok with it. Is it the hobbies I would choice for him or myself, no, but I could live with them. What I can't live with is this continious need to seek out these women and have what ever relations he has with them. I suppose if I am going to be honest, I need to say to him, if you do any of these behaviors (inappropriate relations with other women) i will leave. Because this is making me unhappy, destroying our marriage and going against my core values.
I will do what it takes to make this relationship better, but I am only one person and I need committment from him as well.
high stim husband
Submitted by Shelly (not verified) on
the proof is in the pudding
Submitted by fool on
Thank you for your insight, it has put a different light on things. I never thought about how it could put my child or myself in harms way. I would give my life for this child, so this has given me a lot to think about. By staying am I teaching him that it is o.k. to cheat on your spouse? I hope and pray that if my husband really thought about these things he would do the right thing. The part about the core values is so hard for me to understand. My husband and I came from very similar backgrounds, two parent loving homes that taught us right from wrong. We both were taught that adultery is wrong and neither of us witnessed it in our homes. So why did it stick with me, but not with him? I don't know. He says it is a core value of his. After I read Melissa's response last night, my husband and I signed a marriage contract with the following: We will not cheat or engage in inappropriate behaviors with the opposite sex. We will do unto others as we would want done to us. We will have mutual respect for one another. We will engage in a healthy and fun sex life that we both enjoy, only with each other (no french:))! We will keep a good sense of humor. We will be 100% committed to this marriage. If either of us cannot do this we will leave the marriage. Now "the proof is in the pudding"! If he violates my core values I will leave this marriage and know I have done everything I could to make it work. I will be able to sleep at night because I have been true to myself and know my child will grow up in a safe environment and learns right from wrong and what my core values are. Yes, he is in counseling and has a very good and competent doctor. I don't know what we would do without him.
No Fool
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Good for you! This sounds like an excellent path - one that clarifies expectations and values all the way around.
Reading all of your comments
Submitted by Brenda (not verified) on
Re:to Melissa about the french
Submitted by optomistic on
Hi Melissa
I read your comments and I really like a lot of what you say. Its very helpful.The one comment about (one would be that you could "become more French" as I think of it (and apologies to the French...I'm not picking on you). (some of which include a certain amount of getting what you need outside the marriage with the acknowledgement of the other spouse.)
The french are pretty much a one person relationship. today the younger french like a lot of Americains are living together. but there are quite a few who marry.There is a crime of passion law that if you catch your spouse cheating and you kill them or the cheater in a crime of passion then you can be exempt from the killing. However most people divorce like my cousin did after his wife cheated on him numerous times. I have a large family in France and in my family this is not the norm. some live together but most are married.I hope I don't sound desrespectful I just wanted you to know so people don't think this is a big thing over there. as this kind of arrangement can happen here in the states I'am sure as well, some of these people are called swingers? Mormons. Again with best regards
I apologize if I may have
Submitted by fool on
I apologize if I may have offended you with my comments about the french. It did not make me think less of the French or think that every french person has an open marriage. I guess I was trying to add a little humor (best defense mechanism I can use) to a bad situation, but did not think about that it may cause more pain to someone else. I don't think Melissa was trying to offended anyone either, but I will let her speak for herself.
Marriage's Are Under Attack- GIVE YOURSELF A HAND 4 FIGHTING!
Submitted by Brian Thompson (not verified) on
Everyone has THEIR opinion. Here is God's... "A wife is bound during all the time her husband is alive." -1 Corinthians 7:39. However, if he does it again, Jesus has at least 2 good lessons at Matthew 19:4-9- In reply he said: “Did YOU not read that he who created them from [the] beginning made them male and female and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and will stick to his wife, and the two will be one flesh’? So that they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has yoked together let no man put apart.” ...9 I say to YOU that whoever divorces his wife, except on the ground of fornication, and marries another commits adultery.” I appluad you for fighting to save your marriage! It also took a lot for you to openly "air out" your private business. That is very commendable. As a married man of 16 yrs to a wonderful wife, I can tell you that someone, (such as a male friend that he respects), needs to have a long chat with him about the need for him to wake up to what he has at home and the need to "FIGHT FOR IT!" I also have ADHD, anxiety disorder, and severe depression, to the extreme and I am on disability. Believe me... TO PLEASE THE NEEDS OF MY WIFE, I HAVE TO FIGHT EVERYDAY!!!
Marrages are Under Attack - GIVE YOURSELF A HAND FOR FIGHTING
Submitted by Cherokee Rose on
What do you do if you just don't love your spouse anymore and you resent them? I stay because it is the "right" thing to do and I am working hard to try to help my spouse with his symptoms. We also have a little boy and he loves his daddy.
I know that it is cruel to withhold sex from your spouse, but I just feel so much anger inside. I don't withhold sex on purpose, but I feel like my husband is a 10-year-old kid -- and that's just not a turn on to me! I still act lovingly towards him -- I am very patient, remind him of his appointments and try to be the helpful wife, make lists to help him remember things-- but I just feel numb inside after so many disappointments and broken promises, his porn addiction, all day computer game playing and his irresponsible behavior.
He hasn't worked in 5 months (he gets fired from every job he tries) and we are waiting to see if he can get social security. I go to school and work a few jobs but have a hard time keeping up with bills that are coming in (and law suites) because he never paid the bills. I now have a separate bank account to try to straighten out our financial mess that of course, my name is attached to as well since we are married. I long for a better life and dream about being single AND alone (just my baby boy and I). We currently live with his mother but still have to pay a high rent.
I want to feel love for my husband but it just isn't there. I am also a Christian woman and am trying so hard to honor my vows...I feel like I have no other choice but to be miserable.
Any suggestions???
To Cherokee Rose
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
Thank you, "Anonymous"
Submitted by Cherokee Rose on
Thank you for replying. May God bless you, as well.
General Comment
Submitted by milagro5 on
(General Comment)
Dr. Hallowell,
Thank you so much for creating this fabulous site. I have not been to a ADDA conference since 2001 I believe it was and the information on marriage and ADHD has really improved. Lucky for me, since I am now married with a 1 yr. old son. I met you at the Seattle conference I believe it was and you are such a wonderful speaker and person.
I hope that I can get my husband engaged with some of the information on this site, and if I'm lucky, maybe I can even get him to a conference or one of your marriage and adhd seminars. We have been married for 2 yrs now and I think this info and support will be really helpful to us.
I am a school librarian in the SW. I have inattentive adhd and I think my husband (at least has traits) of highly-structured adhd. He is Chinese and not very into Western drugs so that makes things tricky too.
Thanks again
bipolar and add
Submitted by Frances on
my husband was hospitalized when he was a teenager for bipolar. He has it under control through medication and I have never seen an "episode". But I knew he was different somehow and suggested to have him tested for add and it came back postive. It has been very hard and challenging at times. Our 15 year old has outgrown him. He wont take any mediccation for add because he says he takes enough medication as it is. I feel so alone and lonely. He does not like to go anywhere. Doesnt like sports, doesnt have any hobbies. And gets hurt/upset when I take charge. Any suggestions? I feel like I am his mother not his wife and I hate it!