Could you guys help me (us) out???
BOTH of us are diagnosed with ADHD AND Depression. Both of us hate chores. Both of us resent each other for it. Our house is a mess - fleas, fruit flies, dirty dishes everywhere, laundry piled knee-high on the floor of the closet..... etc. It's a disaster. We ended up having to give our dog to my mom bc neither of us would remember to take him out, and he would always be getting into the trash or something and we just couldn't handle that AND our depression at the same time. We still have the two cats.
My husband is a doctor and I'm an administrative asst. He gets home at 3 - but he has a lot more work to do; notes, phone calls, etc. I get home at 6:30 and I'm completely done for the day. Usually by the time I get home, he's done with his work and playing a video game or taking a nap. I'll get home, and more than half the time I'm too tired to cook dinner so we either order out or scrounge up some microwave meals or ramen... We definitely aren't eating healthy. When we do buy groceries, half of them go bad because neither of us want to cook dinner. So we eat and watch TV together, then he'll be playing on his computer and I'll be on my phone, then around 9:30 we settle in for bed.
I've tried splitting the chore list 50/50, I've tried doing one room a day with only 3 tasks per person, we've agreed and tried doing "Saturdays we'll clean". None of this works, bc again both of us are lazy, both of us are depressed and both of us would rather play video games/watch tv. I personally felt resentment bc I felt like if I started cleaning myself, he'd help out and he doesn't, then I'd just be the maid. I've started wondering if every family is like this and as the woman of the house I just need to step up and take care of our home.
Maybe three or four times a month he'll "clean" a small area (like his side of the bed, the living room), or maybe once a month he'll actually get up and help me out. But he always says "ok I'm tired now" and I end up cleaning up after his cleaning - there's still random trash lying around, etc.
A few months ago I just gave up and decided I'm not going to be his maid, I'm only cleaning when he does. And now we're where we are now - having to throw dishes away bc stuff has been caked on them for so long.
Additionally, he is taking the week after Christmas off and I have no more PTO, bc I used it for our Honeymoon earlier this year (We've been married ~6mos but engaged for 8 years). We just got off the phone having a conversation that ended, "Well if you want this lifestyle, go back to school and get a better job." and "No, I didn't say I work harder than you. But my job IS hard and I deserve this break" - the whole conversation made me feel like he doesn't believe I deserve a break, that he doesn't believe my job wears me out too... I GET that his job is hard. I GET that it's mentally taxing. I GET that I need to let up on him and let him relax. But I don't think he respects that to me, in my perspective, I get worn down too. Especially with only 3 hours of free time in the evening and NO alone time bc he is ALWAYS home when I am home. Just that wears me out sometimes - I love him and like being with him, but sometimes I really just want some me time...
This post was a lot longer than I intended... but if ANY of you have any advice for helping us work through this, I would greatly appreciate it. I really want us to be able to get our *** together so we can have kids soon.
EllaBella
Submitted by Terra on
EllaBella, the key is streamlined routines that, with a little time spent getting them almost automatic, usually 5 minutes or less at a time. One source that parses how to develop your own process is FlyLady.net. Other people have written about this, too, but her site is the one that explains from every perspective, including ADHD friendly.
Basically, there are things we do simply because they make other (more engaging) things easier. I'm not passionate about cooking, e.g., but I really can't prepare food when the first step will be washing the tools (knives, bowls, pots) and clearing surfaces to have room for preparation. Well, I can, but I find it so discouraging.
It's depressing to live in a place where everywhere one looks is a dreary to-do list. One of the tips offered by many people, is to use the stopwatch function on your phone (or a timer) to learn how little time it takes, to do those soon to be new habits. I happen to be record-breakingly slow at dishwashing, but, I really really want everything to be clean and close to hand (put away, close to where I'll use it) when I do cook. While I'm doing something tedious, I listen to radio, or podcasts, or a movie...
The big issue is that married or single, YOU live in your home. Your happiness, in your home, matters. Chances are high that once you've established some routines for keeping your home tidy (without feeling like a maid, because it's your home, too) that your husband will, before too long, copy your methods. Everyone prefers orderly surroundings... (Yes, I know that there are, and have been, people who prefer to treat their spouse like a domestic servant, but no one knows, yet, if your husband is among their number.)
Hoping for good things for you. :)
Prioritize!!! EllaBella
Submitted by kellyj on
Hi EllaBella,
My wife and I both have ADHD ( her suspected but unconfirmed ) and I can give you some ideas of the problems and some of the solutions I have come up with to help? Just from what you said....I can give some ideas to apply yourself if you think they will fit your situation? As I am saying this.....these are all things I'm either doing or thinking about with an intended goal for both myself and for the two of us.....but right now....anything that has to do with the two of us together at the same time is highly problematic in trying to reach any common consensus and it usually ends up getting into a fight when we try? My first priority then...in order to move past this hurtle....is to save that for later and keep moving forward without getting stuck in one place which is the first concept or idea I have to offer you? I may be challenging you in respect to some things you've said but it's not to be contrary? This is actually my mental plan or the way I think about things in order to know what to do and keep moving forward which is the TOP priority for me? So if you were to say the Prime Directive then.......would be to keep moving and moving forward....always! And there's a reason for this that I will explain.
Depression in my mind...is just a symptom of something else? You can't be happy if you are depressed which is pretty easy to figure out? So if you want to be happy....you need to stop being depressed? And to stop being depressed.....you need to stop grieving which is really the problem with depression anyway since it comes from grieving or loss or something? I'm kind of an expert in that department so I know a lot about LOSS. Actually....I'll take that back?
You might be depressed because you haven't grieved (yet?)...about some loss you've had in the past and it still remains un-grieved? But that could open up a can of worms right now because that could be a huge topic to cover and a lot of ground to go over if your depression is just no circumstantial meaning.....if your depression is not.....just about what is going on in your current life at the present time? If there is something in your past or some loss you have yet to still grieve over.....then that could take some doing and some help and support in that area to figure out.....what you are really depressed about in the first place? Know what you are really depressed about then....would by my first priority just to start with but for now.....you've got a few more fish to fry in respect to the "doing part" or action steps in what you are wanting to do? But the action step I'm thinking about for myself goes as follows:
1) Prime Directive: Keep Moving forward!! That's the primary goal or directive which could be said as "direction". Why? When you stop moving you can easily get depressed because what ever it is that is there that causes it....is the remains of some loss that still needs to be grieved or yet has been fully grieved through all the step that it takes to get through that loss entirely?
2) Know your intended path. Simply put....point A to Z. If you think about it.....to MOVE...anywhere....you need to know which road to take and how to get there?
*****Personally for myself....I would want to get rid of the depression first since if I am happy.....then I am much more effective in moving forward towards my intended goal what ever that is? My first priority then....would be to get some help and support in figuring out.....what loss in your life is holding you back and creating this depression so you can grieve and get on with it? If you can do that by yourself then Se la Vie. I'm big on DIY......( Do It Yourself ) since....when ever I am DIY mode....I need no one else to support me SIMPLY put? SIMPLIFY..IS THE OPERANT WORD!!! I always feel I have more power and control when I am in DIY mode so that is where I go to get my own answers from and any information I need.....I just Google............DIY and see what others have done and just kind of copy what has worked for someone else as a guide? Just for starters?
Anyway....if you know A ( where you are now ). Then all you need to know is Z......where you are going? It doesn't matter where...as long as you are moving forward but it's good to know what the end of the line is...so you don't sell yourself short and only look at next week, or next year or possibly when you retire at the end of your life? Figure...when you retire and you got to the end of the road....you can make a new plan or goal and change directions as needed? So knowing which road to take FIRST.....is the top priority since...if you take the wrong road to start with...you'll need to start over and that hold you back from moving forward which is the prime "Direction" or priority always. Side ways movement will end up with stagnation and backwards movement will lead to depression or unhappiness? So again....if you want to be happy....there is only one way to go.....FORWARD always.....there is no ever going backwards in chronological time? Time waits for no one? Chrono- Logic....in the physical world we live in right? If your doing anything....it is an action in the physical world always?
3) Strategies how to get there? Once you've chosen your intended or virtual path or road ( by using the Prime Direction ) and you know what your destination is....now you need a map or route to take in the real world or physical world....since your intended path or road is just stating the direction and the goal ( destination ) you still need to create the path or road or plan in order to get there and keep moving towards it? The way I do this which is just easier for me....is to take the destination.....and work backward to the beginning or where you are now? I find this is much easier than doing it the other way because it implies the route in finding the most direct one? The reason for this....is because unforeseen obstacle? If you are trying to move forward....and you've never been there before...it's nice to know what's up ahead of you...and working backwards from the destination to the starting place....seems to be the best way to expose those obstacles first...in order to avoid them in the first place? That will make the route...the shortest and easiest to use with least obstacles and problems right from the start and prevent less lateral movement or worse....backwards movement which goes against the prime direction always. Forward movement as stated?
4) Pack you bags. Get together all the things you need for your trip ahead of time but pack light. I'm a big back packer ( in my past ) and I learned one thing from climbing Mountains and hiking long distance. Pack light!!!! The lighter the load....the lessor the burden in terms of Loads and back packing....you are the "Beast of Burden" so you might as well make it easy on yourself so the idea of quantity versus quality means....you can only carry so much so the more item you need....the heavier you pack will get? So to carry more items...they need to light in weight ...so the idea behind this is to make every item to take with you as light as you can but keep in mind....anything you take with you that you don't absolutely need....will be dead weight and will only slow you down and cause you to tire and need more rest stops along the way and that is something you want to avoid? Stopping....is not moving right? So minimize the stopping....and pack light and go farther each day?
*****side note. Depression is heavy...so it's always wise or good to keep that in mind about your mental state right from the start but moving will help rid you of depression and help you grieve so....keep moving forward and you won't get depressed and you can work on the grieving along the way as you go.
5) Best Laid Plans: Murphy's Law. Shit Happens Boy Scout motto: Always be prepared. Which means...in your virtual thinking on this....you can never plan for every contingency or unforeseen problem ahead of time and there is no crystal ball? Dreams are fine as a fantasy...but you can't apply "Dreams to Reality" since dreams are pretty worthless in the real world where they do not apply? A Dream...as put....is merely your imagination working.....but to apply a Dream to reality....you've got to go through these steps first to come to a conclusion or "idea" that is formed from a dream When you have the "idea" and can hold it in your mind now..... you can created a new one in your mind by using your Dreams to do so. Once that Dream is used...it is no longer any use to you any more?
But something needs to happen...to make a dream come true...and since we live in the real world and you need real world solutions.....dream are completely worthless and will do you no good in actually moving forward since moving forward is a physical "action".....not a "mental"l one right? You can use your dreams to guide you on your trip....but a dream won't tell you what to do and how to do it and there is no crystal ball to tell you what's coming up ahead. There is no one thing or way to know anything from a Dream alone..since there simply is no way to know what's up ahead ..so you really will never no for sure and you can never plan for every unforeseen problem which is an impossible thing to account for "ahead of time". So why even try to use a Dream for that if it's impossible to do?
Ahead of Time....means the future. Chrono-Logic...time which means....right now this very second? There is no other time...than right now when you are on your trip...."so ahead time" means....anything in the future? A Dream is just a "projection of the future"....or a "fantasy" and is not real. It's why Dreams make poor goals since...there no logic or path used to get there and since the goal is not the "Dream" or top priority ( forward movement is the prime direction ) so in order to bridge this gap...you need to use Logic instead as in....Chrono-Logic time in reality? And so as far as dreams go.....you need to let go of them completely because they will only hold you back. Dreams are illogical and are not based on reality and in this plan...the only thing counts...is reality not fantasy since you cannot precinct the future.....so why even try? You'll only be disappointed since.....there is no road or path to a Dream all by itself is there?
I could put this another way as far as dreams go? A dream...is jut what you desire....emotionally speaking which could be condensed or boiled down to one simply idea? "I WANT" Think about...."I want" for a second? How far does "I want get you" and does it tell you how to get there? NO. "I want"...and .."Dreams"....are worthless then aren't they? Those two things are tied to your emotions and desired and you will which is just stating "I WANT"...in different ways? BUT....as I am saying this....."Dreams"..."Fantasy"....."Magic"....."Emotions"...."Desires"...are all tied to "I WANT" and completely illogical and irrational?
If you are packing light...and living in "THIS WORLD"...the one in reality where actions and movement take place.....these things just clogs up your virtual email....so hitting the delete button and getting rid or the superfluous "Junk Mail"..."Unsolicited Spam"....and "Unwanted Flotsam and Jetsam" is necessary to lighten you load? The last thing you want to do is act on this!!!!! That's is just spinning in one place...and going no where fast and is a recipe for disaster and a high probability for LOSS which only leads to Depression so......get that shit out of there where referring to ....getting your shit together?
So when getting your shit together.....throw you dreams in the "Junk bin" and hit "Delete". There's plenty more where they came from. You can always create news one any time you like? And that's the point anyway in virtual reality? Creativity in the moment....and creating new dreams all the time? Dreams are from the past.....and there is only forward movement in your virtual mind as well? To move forward....you have to create and can't use the old ones.....in the past? That would be going backwards and the opposite direction you want ot go in your mind as well since there is no real world JUMP.....between.....Dreams.......and ......Reality? Except with Magic but as we know....there is no such thing in reality?
So to prepare for your trip.....throw those dreams in the garbage and make new ones once you start your journey or trip? Push DELETE....and let them go!!!
5) Start and keep moving. Once you've done the first 4 steps....all that is left is to get up off your ass....and go! Since you done all the preliminary work and have established your path and route and got what you need....the rest is up to you to decided where you will go and how many detours or side trips you want to make to see other things along the way? All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? Side trip and rest stop are necessary or you wil get burned out and that will slow you down. If you are only moving in a straight line will no fun or rest or time to smell the roses....then your entire trip will be more like drudgery...instead of enjoy the trip and having fun while you are at it? You need to schedule some fun and side excursions just to keep it interesting?
That's the formula I use right there and it works to keep me happy since happiness is the goal after all because feeling good is really all your after anyway? Feeling "Good"....instead of "Being Good" right? We not children any more....."Being Good" is what your mama told you but "feeling good"....at little or nothing to do with it? If your Depressed...than "being good"....is pretty worthless for that? Moving forward will fix the depression...."being good" is only in the doing of the "Action". Skills are required to "be good" at anything in reality and this much is true? But to feel good has more to do with a state of mind as are Dreams. To good or 'being good at something" in comparing it to "reality" in a practical sense, where "being good" really applies to an action or skill in doing something right? "It feels good...to be good at doing something" ( used in a sentence ). There is no "BE Good"....there is only.....'feeling good" in reality?
That and "Be Nice". As far as your state of mind or your state of reality....what the Hell is the "State"....of to "BE Good"...or to..... "Be Nice" and what that have to do with reality or feeling good? For that matter...what does that have to do with anything? What do you get in reality to be "NICE" as a "stated goal?" A poke in the eye with a blunt stick? To be good or to be nice..is a 'Statement" of your state of mind or position but that has nothing to do with moving...or moving forward so that goes in the Junk Bin with the rest of the useless things you don't need to keep moving forward? All you really need to be good at anything...is to be good at keeping moving and that's a nice feeling right there to go along with being good at moving forward?
To BE....or ....NOT To BE......that is the question?
And the last idea or concept to give to you to think about has to do with your husband and your intended goal or direction? You stated it as....."I really want us"..............and then said........get our "Shit Together"
"I want?"........"OUR Shit"?......."WE can have Kids soon??" In applying everything I just said.....Your stated intention is to move forward in having kids in the future just using your own words here? So if you were to follow this plan and within the goal or always moving forward......"I want....is a Dream"...since I want is just the intended direction or intended goal you have which is a virtual goal or idea from your imagination? Right? You have your shit.....your husband has his? Think about it ( I mean really? Literally speaking?LOL )
But to put this into practice and to use these steps as I have for myself? First off.....this is all about you. Your husband has to do this on his own and see what he comes up with by himself and then compare the plans and strategies and see where they over Lapp? "I want" and "Dreams" are a fantasy of yours in the future right? Your fantasy of the future that you want to make happen in your intended goal? To make that a deliberate action....something needs to happen first and the first thing you need to do....is follow these actions steps and create your road map and do the pre trip planing but the reason why these Dreams into action are necessary....because no two people share the same dreams and there fore....are not going to be on the same path or road together anyway?
Before you set out and Start on the journey into the future.....you got to look at your husband plan for himself..and see if they are even comparable in the first place? You need to put his map...next to yours...and see where they line up? You may have to make compromises and negotiate ahead of time to work out all the kinks and conflicts before you even take your first step out the door? If his ideas and his plan....never intersect with yours? Then you will being on two different paths....that never cross in reality if you can't reach some kind of compromise based on both of your action plans to meet the dreams or ideas you create along the way as well? If you are both moving forward as is mandatory for happiness....and the two forward directions or paths or road you are on compared to his road and path and then never cross or line up together or worse...are heading in two different directions away from each other? Each person always has there own path and you "can't share paths" with anyone no matter who you are?
You are born into this world alone...and you will still be alone when you leave ....and everything in between is your path and journey and you husband has his as well? These two paths are never one in the same and each person has there own and that is a fact? In the reality or physical world we exist in and Chrono-Logic time exists and where reason and logic reigns supreme.... trying to fit two separate paths or roads into one...from only one person dream or path....into another person Dream or path which only come from our own individual world or imagination, emotion, and desire in our heads. Then this "virtual reality" where our Dreams come is just a fantasy, an illusion and magic which are illogical and irrational if trying to apply to reality physically speaking.... is impossible, isn't it? So why even try?
So, now what? Turkey's butt? lol
Wouldn't it "be nice".....to "know that ahead of time?" As a good feeling, just... "to start?".....right now......"in reality?"
And finally to finish this train of thought to give you more to think about? Suppose too....Should, Would, Could......does not exist in reality? Suppose to..... is always tied to what someone else told you to do...or....in your Dreams which is a fantasy and is not real anyway? Suppose to doesn't exist in reality....it's just a concept or construct of the mind ...the same as a Dream....and is nothing more than an illusion in reality? Let go of your Dreams....and "suppose to".....no longer exists? Use your imagination...and create new Dreams everyday to guide you on your trip? It is a long strange one....without a doubt so you better be prepared. And to BE...prepared and ready...is a state of mind isn't it?
To be...or ...Not to be? That is a "state of mind" or "condition of mind". As is depression...simply put? Food for thought?
J
Another PoV
Submitted by Terra on
I Enjoyed Seeing Your POV Too............ Terra
Submitted by kellyj on
I'll show you how our two fit together nicely ans still meet the criteria in my action plan steps and make this ONE POV by combining the two. And they work perfectly together is reaching thee goal you want for yourself since when you can your goal and still be happy and not depressed at the same time.....then this is a win / win for you...and everybody else....both at the same time? Perfectly speaking? And when that happens....you won't feel discouraged or depressed.
To start....from the article you included ( a good one on routines and habits ). I'll start with a statement....that my T gave to me as a tool....in thinking about the idea of "direction" or 'path" and applying it to what I said? This asks a question as the way to determine....the right road or path to take at any time? The question asks...."Are you going away from something......or .....are you going towards something?" This is a black and white....yes or no question in the actual applying it? You can't try and change this to anything else or it won't work as he intended it in context to what this tool is designed to tell you? All it can tell you is......"either"........"or".........yes or no? It's not meant as a decision by itself? It's just the simple way of looking at two paths and choosing the right one and there are no other choices to make.....if you are keeping with The Prime Direction.......Moving Forward ......moving or movement. As I said....there is only ONE direction to go as your intention? "Shit"...does happen along the way...so this is not always an absolute thing and needs to be modified accordingly...but as you were mentioning "routines"....and as I am applying the ( literally speaking ) the "root word" of the word "routine", is the word "Route"......which is your "intended path or road".....then the "route" is your map.( the forest )....and the "routine" ( the trees ) is the sub category within the route ( the forest)....then "actions steps" within the actions....are all individual (tress ) you might say. Big picture......little picture.( visual image or real life image like a "photograph"...not some made up one in your head )
If you are missing the point ( the big picture ) then you've got no bearing or direction...do you? So, within the "Action Steps" or "being good at moving forward" ( once you have your plan and intended "route" ) Now you have to devise the the part of what I said about.."getting up off your ass"...and just starting down the road or path which you already know ahead of time....is the right road to be on in the first place? This also has to do with what I was saying about making it interesting you you don't get bored or stagnated once you start? All work and no play.....makes "Jackeline"....a dull girl as well?
Girl Scout Motto: ( 1947 ) Motto: The Girl Scout motto is "Be prepared." In the 1947 Girl Scout Handbook, the motto was explained this way: "A Girl Scout is ready to help out wherever she is needed. Willingness to serve is ****** NOT ENOUGH ********; you must ....."KNOW HOW"...... even in an emergency." The same holds true today." Quote taken directly from the Girl Scout website.
So it seems...the Girl Scout Motto....and the Boy Scout Motto....are one in the same? To be a "good Scout".....then you need to be prepared ( in a practical..real world ( reality situation) and application....logically speaking? ) The Christian "ideal"....as a "spiritual"....or virtual reality "ideal world" as in ( Heaven or perfect world other than this one )...is the Dream part? The Dream or Fantasy one which says only that women or girls are "to serve".......Men? No...it doesn't say that...does it? To serve....can apply to "serving mankind and one self....equally here and in real world "application" or the "doing and moving forward"....that applies to "this world"......not the next one......does it not? The Girl Scout Motto then....applies exactly the same as the Boy Scout Motto.....be prepared in the real world...in the world of reality and which we live in?
You get no "Brownie" points for the future ( in the after life )....by missing the point here.... pun intended!!! LOL That would be "some-body's??" failure....in not understanding this wouldn't it? Who that is....I will not even begin to speculated here!!! lol
"Visualized Neat is one of the useful tools organizing you’ll learn in my Organized for Life program." Closing sentence in the article you included in your post Terra.
AH HA!!!! ( Halleluja Choir sings!!!!! ) "Visualize!!!!!!!" As in..."Vision" ( or too see )....as in to see in "a picture"......as in......"Visual Reality."......not......."Virtual Reality" in your Dreams which are a fantasy? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! exclamation point!!! And then some!!!!! ( FUCKING "A" !!! used with intention for emphasis!!!! ) LOL
"Visualizing"....is NOT....."Virtualizing" which is NOT even a word?? To "Vertualize"....is said to .....convert (something) to a computer-generated simulation of reality.
"traditional universities have begun to virtualized parts of their curricula"
"create a virtual version of (a computing resource or facility)." Resource? Facility or to facilitate as in......dreams to reality....as in creating an idea to work from? To work from....not to try and use as the goal or action in the real world itself?" That would be the same as saying....."living symbolically"....by making the "symbol" be the goal in the real world which is about as much rubbish.....the the "ideal" it came from? Trying to make this world....."ideal"....comes right out of Grimms Fairy Tales and is complete science fiction ...and pretty worthless in reality?
What the Hell do you think you're doing ....when you play a "Video Game"? Virtualizing isn't it? Creating Virtual ( symbolic representations or "people and things" on a computer screen...and entering a "fantasy world " ( of the internet)....that doesn't even exist? Telling little girls....that they need to "virtualize themselves" ( which is impossible since even the word doesn't exist in reality...what a bunch of garbage that is? Take those Dreams...and put them where they belong.....in the "Virtual Trash Bin"... where they belong..and HIT DELETE!!!! ( like I said? )
What? So to become "cartoon characters" in some bizarre nightmare of reality or some "ideal dream nightmare" that you never wake up from....is the biggest pile of Horse Shit.....I think I have ever seen or heard of personally? Really? Become some symbolic representation of you're "real self" and play out some Cartoonish Nightmare ...in someone else's imagination ( not yours ...the person who designed the video game program that you are getting sucked inside the computer to become part of this "imaginary world" that someone else came up with???that you never wake up from is a good idea and a good way to use your Dreams or make your Dreams come true is a good idea? You tell me....but I don't think so? It reminds me of the movie "TRON"....where Jeff Bridges gets sucked into the computer by the "Master Controller" program...which is just another "Program" created by a "REAL Live Person" who is a corrupt corporate executive with is own devious and diabolical plot to take over the world in his own self serving personal agenda and intention? It's a LIE!!!! All of it? To think you can even do this....to becomes this "Virtualized" self.....in the reality which is not a Video Game is not even possible....so why even try? Who ever came up with this notion....is insane to even think that this is possible in the first place? And yet....people still do which makes NO LOGICAL SENSE.....WHAT SO EVER!!!! It's utter none sense and only leads to disillusionment and fragmentation of your "REAL" authentic self..... with No "logic"....anywhere in sight is there? Case in point? Moving forward >>>>>>>>>>>>
So to "visualize"....as I was/ and still am saying....is turning your Dream into Reality.....by using your Dream as the idea. ( to "Create a NEW idea or original "thought")....but not using it ( or someone else's ) to follow but only to guide you and taking these real world actions steps...in order to learn How?
"Learning How to do it....requires "learning and education"... ahead of time...and then taking that new knowledge and turning into ( creating ) foresight ( premeditated with intention moving forward only right? )....ahead of time to get to point "Z"...from point "A" in order to "start" on your trip? This is the Real Trip...in reality.....not the Virtual Trip....."In Your Dreams". That's exactly what I tell my wife sometimes? "In Your DREAMS!!!!" LOL Which no joke....when we are standing there and me trying to argue with her...about this very thing and she says....."I don't Agree?". Agree on what? ( turkey;s butt?? ) Your "Dreams" or "Reality".......which one? ( click.....errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ) It's so not a joke....I can spit nails I get so angry and frustrated over this very thing!!!!!! eeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!! LOL The problem is....someone sold my wife...a Bill of Goods...and she "bought in"......hook line and sinker??? That ain't my problem.....but what else can I say? Dreams are worthless in reality.......hit DELETE...and "flush".....accordingly. They are purely emotional...illogical..and irrational and make no sense....what so ever? "None-Sense".......or without any "sense" or "to sense"....as in....'senseless" or "useless"...or "worthless" ( of no value to you what so ever ) as used in it's variation or the word "sense" and the "derivitive meanings" here? As in.....Fairy Tales!!!!! ( or science "fiction" ) any way to want to slice it...it all means the same thing?
Just more words....saying exactly the same thing as I already said? No new meaning what so ever....it just saying the same thing from a different perspective that's all? You really can't disagree with this can you? Well you can try....but that would be .....illogical so why even do it in the first place is beyond me? Really??? Get "Real".....as they say? Who ever they are....who really knows? LOL
side note.....playing with words....is not a game but it sure is fun to do anyway and entertaining at that?? LOL I can do this endlessly....just for fun!! Anyway....back <<<<< on the same page we were talking about here as I .....digressed and took a little side adventure....just to keep it interesting. lol All work and no play right?
And right to the point you made here as well.......I'm not passionate about cooking, e.g., but I really can't prepare food when the first step will be washing the tools (knives, bowls, pots) and clearing surfaces to have room for preparation. Well, I can, but I find it so discouraging.
"It's depressing to live in a place where everywhere one looks is a dreary to-do list. One of the tips offered by many people, is to use the stopwatch function on your phone (or a timer) to learn how little time it takes, to do those soon to be new habits. I happen to be record-breakingly slow at dishwashing, but, I really really want everything to be clean and close to hand (put away, close to where I'll use it) when I do cook. While I'm doing something tedious, I listen to radio, or podcasts, or a movie..."
This brings me back to my own mother for example? She got this idea ( from her mother...the Puritanical Dominatryx ) that if you were having fun when you worked.....(idle hands are the Devils playground.)...that somehow....if you were enjoying yourself while you worked....that this is not allowed?? As I was sitting there...changing the batteries in my Walk-Man one time....and she's sitting there telling me....."you don't need to be entertained when you work....get busy!!! " "Yeah right Mom....what ever you say?" As I ignored her and put my head phones back on...to drown out the sound of "guilt and shame" trying to enter my Brain!!!! LOL And it didn't;t work...and I just did it anyway!!! "Yeah, right...you think you're so smart....at being stupid!!!" ha!!!" The very thing I use to "think" back then when she told me this rubbish!!! Like I've said here in the past......my mother....had some strange and bizarre ideas that came from her mother and a lot more where that one came from on top of it to go with just this one example? Thankfully.....I ignored her and didn't listen to a word she said when it came to this these completely irrational, illogical, weird, strange, bizarre "utterings".( lol ) ...that contained not a shred or logic or any good reasoning for the things she said sometimes? I'd always ask why? And she would get stymied and walk away? That was a pretty neat trick right there? Ask why...and see what the answer will be? That is entertainment...all in itself sometimes ( as it was for me...but it served to make her go away which at the end the day....it's all I wanted her to do? and that is your intention which it was back then for sure!!! Back to mowing....but only once I had the music to listen too and changed my batteries!!! ) I wasn't getting paid, and she wasn't my Boss you know.??? I was just mowing the damn lawn for Christ sake!!! How I got there....was my business so BUTT OUT!! ( you aren't the Boss of Me!!! ) ( a little blast from the past...for good measure here? )
Anyway......the routines you create...and any way you get there is still moving forward within the Prime Direction....forward and moving in reality....not the ritual reality of someone else Dreams you adopted for yourself which are worthless in the doing part ....in reality?
What they say? "Any landing you can walk away from....is a GOOD landing when you're flying an airplane? " That is, in the real word not the one on television or on the internet or in the virtual reality of your Dreams? There isn't anyone keeping track of your score and you don't add up points to see how well you did? No "Game Over" sign...pops up over your head which singles that the Video Game beat you is there? Not that I am aware of at least? It doesn't matter who's fault it is when your dead...does it?
Visualization of your Dreams...is a creative process and then arriving at a visual image or idea...then turning that into the actions steps...and applying the ....HOW to...in order to do it? And if you don't know how? Then you need to learn how to to it yourself? You can't blame anyone else for not doing what you want, FOR YOU.....it you never learned ...and don't know how yourself ...or can't even do the thing you want for yourself ( no skills what so ever in the "doing part" ) ....and if can't even do that for yourself, by yourself without someone else to do it for you then....."beggars can't be choosers....or deciders?"......you don't get to decide that for anyone else which leaves you with no "choice"....other than to put up...or shut up. That is the reality of being a "Cartoon Character"....in the real world after all?
Take responsibility....and don't become a victim!! That's my two bits just thrown in there as a reminder in how you got here? That's me talking to myself....which this same process and action steps and applying it to reality? Move >>>>>>>>>>>>> And get out of that Virtual reality in your head? That's what makes you depressed!!! Being a Cartoon Character is not a fun way to be in the real world after all?
J
So late, replying... Sorry for that
Submitted by Terra on
Sorry I missed this, JJamieson. I very much enjoyed reading your response.
I know others have said so before me, still, let me chime in with them to say you have a gift for communication. Thank you !
In my thoughts, with best wishes for you...
Submitted by Terra on
EllaBella, how are you doing?
I neglected to say - because my way of untangling my thoughts is out loud, with someone close to me - I've been spending time with someone who has many of the hallmarks of being ADHD, too. So, I've been bringing it up in conversation with him. Like this: "You know I've been reading as much as I can about ADHD... Well, I suspect you're one of us, too, because, listen to this - tell me if it rings a bell for you.." Or, Did you know (since it's outside his fields of interest, he wouldn't, but sp what, this is someone open to learning new things) that many people who are ADHD...."
No two people are exactly alike, of course.
Still, I've been wondering, off and on since discovering this website, about the differences, when both partners have ADHD (and recognize, and accept it). I do already know, if either person in *any* kind of relationship - family, too - wants to whitewash things /pretend/fake, that's no joy for anyone near them.
Hope things are going better for you. And if not, please come backand let your hair down, if you want to. Ditto, if things are better in some way.
Terra
Cleaning Service?
Submitted by Cam on
Why not hire a cleaning service? I know for some this financially isn't feasible, but if he is a doctor and you are an admin assistant might you have enough to get a cleaning service? Cleaning services don't generally pick up and organize clutter so unless you can find someone willing to do that you guys would probably still have to pick up before the cleaners come, but maybe if you both knew that the cleaners come on Wednesday, for example, you could both motivate to spend 30 minutes on Tuesday night to just put things where they belong. Set a timer for 30 minutes, turn on some music and just go around putting things where they belong, and then reward yourselves with a movie or something. Then the next day while you are at work someone else can come in and vacuum, clean the bathrooms, clean the kitchen, dust, etc.
It also might help enormously to just do 5 or 10 minutes of "Clutter Busters" each day (or most days). It's a really doable amount of time and it's amazing what you can do in just a few minutes. I have my kids do this because any longer is too much for them. And I think you are smart to figure you stuff out before you have kids because kids are literally walking mess makers. Cleaning with kids around is like trying to bail out a boat with a big hole in it!
And for the cooking, I am a stay at home mom and have 3 kids and I get SOO FREAKING tired of cooking. I hate it so much sometimes. What I try to do is always cook more than I need to that way there are always left overs. Its not usually that much more work to make extra of the thing you are already making so if you make salad, make a huge one and eat it for days! Never, ever make just enough for one meal always make enough for left overs! Its not hard to microwave leftovers :)
Hope my suggestions might be helpful, good luck to you!