I have been trying a combination of things with my ADHD wife so that we don't end up fighting all the time. Things like not constantly criticizing her every time I notice she forgets to do something or when she again does something I repeatedly asked her not to because it upsets me in some way or other; setting clearer limits and "natural" consequences, such as leaving at the agreed upon time evn if it means she comes later in her own car so that I don't end up feeling angry and frustrated all the time; and taking time for myself - getting together with friends without my wife and suggesting she do the same. I have also taken on some of the chores she used to do so that I know they will get done without my having to nag her.
What's happening is that because she is so stressed out with work and other obligations, she says she doesn't have time for herself, time to get togehter with her friends, or time to do things she needs to do. So that it ends up that more often, the time WE have together, her ADHD behaviors (like talking non-stop) seem to be amplified, or else she needs to spend the whole time talking about all the things she is having trouble coping with, not really seeming to want to hear what I have to say, but seeming to just want to do a core dump. Add to that, she is starting to have "melt-downs" over seemingly "little" things, like when she was having difficulty getting thru to UPS two days ago to arrange delivery of a package. Our time together these days is more often than not unpleasant - either we are fighting, "doing our own thing" - like right now, she is on one computer and I am on the other, or we have difficulty with even simple conversation.
I am beginning to feel "damned if I do, damned if I don't." When I try to talk with her about some of these things and how I am feeling about the loss of our relatinship, she usually starts "attacking" me, telling me I expect her to be perfect. Or she tells me she is afraid to say anything to me because I have so many "rules," or she says I always want everything in MY time, or she says she just has too many things she is working on, or she tells me I keep changing the rules on her, or . . . .
I often feel blindsided - she'll become extremely upset and yell at me in response to something I say, and I am completely taken by surprise. Or she'll be non-communicative. Like sometimes she'll be quiet all night while we are in the same room watching TV, silently fuming about something, of which I am unaware, and then when we go to bed, she'll toss and turn, sigh, and keep me awake until I ask "What's wrong?" To which she'll respond something like "You never . . . " and then goes on to tell me whatever it is she is upset about. And it's clear to me that we definitely DO need to talk, but it's 1 or 2 am by this point and I have to get up at 6:30, and I say - "honey, I want to talk to you about this, but it's 2 in the morning" or "if you wanted to talk to me, why did you wait until we went to bed?" And then she'll be upset because I don't want to talk right then and she'll continue to toss and turn until I DO talk, and by that time I am angry at her "tactics" and we end up not resolving the issue and both feeling like we lost.
I know she loves me and I love her, but I am at a real loss of how to get off this train or anger and non-communication. She IS on meds for her ADHD, but she stopped her counseling sessions (she was seeing a therapist who does not seem to know much about ADHD) and I think her poor self-esteem and difficulty setting limits is making things even worse. But if I suggest to her that maybe therapy would help she gets upset also.
Today I mentioned that maybe we need couples counseling, which she sort of agreed with. But then when we continued talking, she started striking out at me again (verbally), intent on proving to me just how wrong I was about something I had already apologized for - twice! So that I couldn't even continue the conversation, because it felt like whatever I'd say, she'd throw it back at me.
I'm getting very tired of this. And I know she is also. But we really seem to be stuck.
Your situation sounds exactly
Submitted by mike62082 on
Mine is similar
Submitted by dfw_dude on
Hi There,
My story is very similar. Been married for 15 mos and wife was diagnosed with ADHD. It has been a tough time. My wife doesn't work, we are just the two of us and still she is overwhelmed. I feel completely helpless. She is not willing to take medications. Counselling did not work and it is only getting worse. She is aware of her condition. She reads a lot of stuff about ADHD, but nothing seems to get registered. I am trying to be very supportive, but I am very concerned as to how far I will be able to hold on. I am starting to think about divorce. It just doesn't feel good.
Most posts in this forum are from wives with ADHD husbands. I feel terrible for many of these women and my heart goes out to them. However, I feel that husbands with ADHD wives are an under-represented minority and I feel that we really don't have much of a support.
I am sorry I am just ranting, but I really wanted vent it out.
another Husband of ADDer
Submitted by spanky on
Man I hear you. There seems to be an entire industry of ADD out there constructed by the people who have ADD which ignores or marginalizes the issues of those of us who have to live with it. I just want to live my life without bearing the burden or perhaps more accurately, the tyrranny of someone else's issues. I did not sign up for this. and after more than twenty years of it, I am spent. WHAT ABOUT ME? I have no time for my own mindfulness practice. I am with someone who is not even there half the time. I am on a constant treadmill just to keep life together in our house. By the way, I only have one life to live, why does it have to be on someone else's terms; terms which completelyt destroy any shot at serenity I could have.
I love all these wonderful bits of advice like, "Don't keep doing this for your spouse. It's not good for them if you do everything." Typical advise from a therapist who has ADD. Well who is supposed to make sure the kids get to school, and have lunches? Do I have to spend my life in a chaotic mess to suit my partner? Do I have to feel bad all the time so she can feel better? It seems to be all about them. What about me? I am totally stressed. I am having to perform at superhuman levels to accomodate her. I am the "bad guy" if I split and make a better life for myself. I had no idea I was getting into this and now I am in a completely no win situation. And frankly, the advice I read from the experts is, in my analysis, completely biased toward the people with ADD, largely delivered by "experts" who have ADD. I would submit that most of these experts in ADD are really expert in it because they are able to concentrate well at things they really care about, ie. their own mental dynamics. But the lense is theirs, not ours. Their advice ultimately boils down to "Structure your life completely aroiund the needs of the person with ADD and it will be better." Probably true. It will be better than it is now, but not at all optimal. Actually, it will be totally crappy for the person without ADD, but maybe they can kid themselves it is okay because it is not as bad as it was.
All right I am venting. That's it. But venting is not a solution to the problem. It's just venting. The truth is that there are no good options.
I know exactly how you are
Submitted by mike62082 on
I am the bad guy
Submitted by Clarity on
only because no one else can tell what he's really like. I was trapped in his world, held captive by verbal abuse and reckless spending habits until I made it clear that I would have to leave if he did not excersise some self control and correct his own behavior. It's not me and after years of confusion the reality of his ADD has left me with few options. I created the necessity for change and I suppose it is fortunate that he sought help as I would really have nowhere to go. My life is nothing that I thought or ever dreamed that it would be though I am trying to make the best of it. His carefree personality now only reminds me of the sense of loss I feel for a life lived under the rule of undiagnosed ADD.
My own personality has changed. I have a horrible feeling that I am living a life that was not meant for me. I was tricked somehow... and it might be too late to save me. It looks as if I'll spend a lifetime trying to understand.
ADD is a deceptive affliction that has no gender. A coworker and I compared notes frequently. He did every thing for his ADD wife who only expected more. When an old flame came back into his life I told him that if I had that kind of an opportunity, I think I would take it. He did. I don't know how it's worked out, maybe the grass really is greener on the other side. Seems like ADD has a way of changing the rules...
Grieving
Submitted by jules on
"a sense of loss for a life lived under the rule of undiagnosed ADD." You have hit the nail on the head. This is exactly what I am battling with at the moment. My husband has only been diagnosed a couple of months ago, and in that time the emotions I have been going through are turbulent. I was so angry at first - angry that all this time (the undiagnosed time) I have been battling through his stuff, and somehow thinking it was because I was not dealing well with our relationship, that it was somthing I was not doing right. And then grief for "lost time". And now wondering how to move forward. I am the one doing all the research on this. He's taking his meds, which help, but it's not enough. How to teach someone to take responsibility when for the duration of our marriage I have had to shoulder all the responsibility. It's almost as though the diagnosis has been the last straw. I know I must hang in there, that things have the potential to improve now that we know what we are dealing with, but it's the trying to figure out "what next" that seems exhausting.
You Describe my life
Submitted by wendytroy on
I'm sorry to say I'm another wife of an ADDer. I know you guys are happy to find other husbands, but you descibed my life so perfectly. I posted yesterday desperate for some advice but was told my husband didn't sound as if he had ADD. I love your description of having to perform at "superhuman levels". I also like the description of being on a "constant treadmill". Do you think life would be easier if we were raising the kids as single parents? I never wanted that for my kids, because of being mistreated by stepparents when I was young. But I can't help but think things would be so much easier if I were to raise them alone. Just having them go for visitation, I would know what to expect from him. I'm thinking, the hard but rewarding part, the daily stuff like school, homework, teaching them to be good people, would be easier without the pull of his "no responsibility" way of living. Please anyone with advice, I'm so desparate for people that understand. My therapist doesn't know about adult ADD, my family doesn't understand. Also, I think his ADD has got worse over the years. Does anyone know if this is normal? He used to enjoy the kids. Now, he would rather be pursuing his own interests, projects that never get finished, ect....
Vent as much as you want. I
Submitted by mike62082 on
Me Too
Submitted by Hoping4More on
I also am feeling stuck, which is why I just joined this blog. And I appreciate that some people feel ready to give up after so many years of struggling, or because their spouse won't acknowledge they have ADD or refuse to get treatment.
I am not yet at that point.
My wife has acknowledged she has ADD and is on meds. We have ordered Dr. Hallowell's book, and started reading it together last night. After several instances of my wife asking me, after we read some examples of how people feel when their spouse is distracted, "Do you ever feel like that?" and my answering yes, the tone of the evening changed. She started justifying the times when she gets distracted, and then said to me "You're hard to live with, too, you know." i felt attacked. Her low self-esteem kicked in. I got angry. And what started as a wonderful time of connecting ended in a terrible fight that spilled over into this morning.
It was clear to me that she was feeling like SHE was the one who needed "fixing", even though our intent was to work on OUR relationship. And I can't say I blame her, as so many (though certainly not all) of our problems are related to her being distracted so often and me feeling like I have to beg for her attention.
We both know that unless we find more time together connecting, enjoying each other's company, and laughing without distractions, we don't have much hope. That is why we bought Dr. Hallowell's book. I have no problem whatsoever in finding time for my wife. I find it easy to say no. I am not overextended. I do not suffer from unlimited distractions. It is easy for me to leave my phone at home, go an entire weekend without checking email, etc. Not so for my wife.
And so, she sees our lack of time together as her fault. And I have to admit - I do also. As we were reading Dr. Hallowell's book, I was hearing myself in most everything he was saying, and so was my wife. Of course she ended up feeling terrible!
And THAT is getting in the way of our finding a solution. How do we tackle my wife's issues with distraction and not have it all be about her?
There seems to be a catch 22
Submitted by mike62082 on
at a complete loss too
Submitted by wishannastar on
mike, your last sentence sums up my situation as well. I also am at a complete loss and for almost identical reasons. In the last couple of months, I have declared myself emotionally separated. To me that means that I am free to make decisions with only minimal consideration for our relationship -- not in a mean way -- just that I am free to dream, make goals, and work on my own life so that if, and it is likely, my husband and I physically and legally separate in the future, I am prepared with a plan B.
I've also taken steps to financially disentangle. I've split up our bills and only take from him enough money to pay his share of the monthly bills. The rest goes to him to use as he wants. But under no circumstances is he to use my credit card. All the ways he dribbles money is no longer my problem. I will keep our joint bills paid. The rest is up to him. If he gets behind on his credit card payments and for whatever else he is responsible, that is his problem. At first it felt mean and guilt-making to do these things, but honestly now it feels like a great weight has been lifted off my life.