Hi, I am the non-ADHD partner of a severely ADHD, non-managed, non-medicated husband and I'm fast approaching my wits end.
We've been married nearly 4 years and I feel that I was so naive to take on someone with his level of problems. Depressed, obese, long term unemployed. Never had a job. Has all the classic ADHD traits, talks over people, often comes across badly to others, cant finish anything, bad with money, I take on all the responsibility. I'm the sole breadwinner. Im burnt out.
He was working as a musician. Tried to retrain during covid (which I funded and supported) but I recently discovered that he overreached so massively in his final project that he didn't complete it and basically flunked the course. Thousands of job applications, endless rejections because he doesnt have the skills and or any employment experience at all. He's trying to "stay positive" so I must swallow all my fears that he'll literally never find anything. He won't hear anything that isnt what he wants to hear. Any suggestion that I make about him finding something even part time to help support us outside of the field that he retrained for is met with rage. I walk on egshells everywhere. Non existant sex life.
I finally made it a deal breaker that he seek treatment...hoping that that will move quickly (it probably wont) but honestly i just feel so weary, like nothing will really change. Like I underestimated how seriously ADHD affects him and us. Like I was naive to take on this challenge. I thought he could retrain but seeing how he didn't manage to propoerly complete his course, I've lost the faith. He's also 20 years older than me and I just see my future supporting an old, cranky, unemployed man. All the "softly softly" management that we have to handhold them through just to get the most basic things done, im not sure i have the strength for it. I feel sorry for him because I know whatever Im experiencing is worse for him, and he is a good man who I don't want to hurt (i feel so responsbile for his entire life that i can't imagine what he'd do or where he'd even go if I told him he had to leave). So I don't want to hurt him but im not sure I want to be with him any more either...
Sorry for the venting, its just nice to be in a community where others may have experienced the same thing.
A small thing, but a start
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
It's a small thing, but I do have a free treatment e-book you can download from my home page. It provides an overview of how to start thinking about treatment of adult ADHD as well as provides some resources that might be useful.
It sounds as if your holding him accountable for what he is contributing, or not contributing, to the relationship is a good first step to a healthier situation. Your experience is your experience, regardless of the reasons for it. ADHD isn't an excuse...knowing about ADHD provides a pathway out of the dysfunction. BUt the person with the ADHD must decide s/he wants to participate in improving their own inputs...
Also sounds as if treatment for your partner will include executive function skills training or cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). The EF training allows better project management, the CBT would help with attitudes and fears that are getting in the way of putting himself out there.
Carrying the responsibility of two adults
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
(i feel so responsbile for his entire life that i can't imagine what he'd do or where he'd even go if I told him he had to leave). So I don't want to hurt him but im not sure I want to be with him any more either...
Hey lionofsundays - I'm sorry for your pain. I have been somewhere similar. I just want to say that your partner got through life without you before and could get through without you after as well. Maybe he would be on government assistance, eat unwisely, live in filth, not pay his bills, etc. ... but those are his problems to solve, not yours. It is not your responsibility to carry another adult human being through life like this, ADHD or not. You are allowed to let this go. You don't need anyone's permission or to feel guilty because he has ADHD. It is his ADHD, not yours. This is YOUR life and your mental health and you are allowed to make that a priority.
On another note, I tried the "softly, softly" approach too. It felt right because anything else resulted in such strong emotional outbursts or anger and I am really conflict averse. I wish I hadn't treaded so carefully though. That approach was so slow and got no results except fewer overt conflicts. It resulted in my husband thinking things were okay when they weren't at all. I wish I'd been loud and demanding from the start about what I expected from a partnership because I would have seen a lot faster that he intended on changing absolutely nothing. That is just my experience and I'm not saying it applies to you. :)
Sounds like you're young. Don't be afraid to put yourself first. You deserve a happy life.