Last night, when we went to bed, my ADHD husband suddenly said something to me "out of the blue", which first surprised me, then made me cry. It made me cry because I had longed to hear those words for over 32 years, and NOW he had come to a realization of something SO important. It was touching, and hurtful at the same time. But, I'm STILL glad he said it. It's so NICE to hear him say things that are REAL, and not "deflection", or denial, or dismissal.
He said. "You know, I never realized how TRULY messed up, I've been all these years". "I thought I was fine, and was even "better" than most husbands, only to find out how wrong and how "messed up" I've been". "I really didn't realize just HOW BAD my thinking and attitudes were". "I feel really bad that you've had to take the brunt of all this crap, and you're still here with me". "I'm sorry I've made life so hard for you, and that I've been so messed up".
It took me a minute to digest what I had just heard, and then I couldn't help the tears. But, for both our sakes, I'm so glad he said what he did.
My ADHD spouse often says
Submitted by Tired_butsoinlove (not verified) on
My ADHD spouse often says this :( he gets so upset cos he feels like his crazy and know a lot of our arguements come from his ADHD. I feel so bad for him during these realizations. To try and help and tell him all the positive things his adhd has brought to our relationship. Seems to help somewhat.
Recently, my H has said the same things.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Over the last year or so, my H has been occasionally saying things like this. It started with his comments about how whiney he can be. I think that his self-awareness came after a golfing partner told him that he whined too much. It has been a LONG time since H had heard a remark like that from a non-relative. Years ago, a co-worker left a message on our home phone and made some sarcastic comment about ..."I could leave a quick message that is to the point, but I think I'll do what you do and leave 5 minutes of random babble and fill up your answering machine." I was there when the message got played and I never laughed so hard because it was soooo true. H can't just leave a "to the point" message.
Anyway, slowly but surely H is becoming more self-aware, and maybe your H is as well. However, don't be surprised if there is some back-pedaling when he gets mad. When things are going well, H can tell me that I'm the greatest, smartest women he knows, but then a few hours later, when he's dysregulated, he'll tell me that I'm a complete idiot and evil. lol
I know that it feels good to hear your partner at least acknowledge that their issues are extremely hard to live with.
My sister is a therapist and I've asked her if T's talk to their mentally ill clients and mention that their family members have to put up with a lot. I think T's should say that. I think T's should help their clients realize that they are hard to deal with, hard to live with.
That is beautiful, even if
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
That is beautiful, even if tomorrow he does something that hurts. Its a rollercoaster. My husband of 25 yrs says I deserve better, marrying him was my mistake and that he is shocked I am still here. They know...we could actually be happy in a "normal" relationship. But we stick around.
That's a win!
Submitted by Kansasry on
That's great that he could say that! Mine is still living in his "I'm so perfect" world, he's nowhere close to something like this!
Do you know what got him to this point? Therapy, self work, years of hearing this fact?
I know our ADHD'ers have a short attention span and he might back pedal but I know how impossible it is to get them to understand if we say we are being made unhappy by them, then they are not perfect. It's not about dismissing our experience but understanding that is what we live not what's in their head.
Whatever made it happen, i still says its a win