Boundaries are typically misunderstood as something you place on others...That is true to a degree, but, that kind of thinking will fail more often than not....Most people struggle with boundaries, because they create situations in life, that most of us do not want...Selfish people, or people who want their way in certain area' s of life, will not like boundaries....When we consider marriage relationships, we think about freedom, (naked and unashamed) we think about things (words) like life partner, helper, lover, provider, security etc....Boundary isn't typically one of our go to thoughts..:)

I have to come to realize in my own life, and by reading here for several years, that most non's do not like, or know how to enact a boundary. Why would we? We didn't get married to place boundaries on ourselves....Like I said, we think freedom! But, if we have married someone incapable, or unwilling, (or both) to share themselves (their energy, their attention, their bodies, responsible behaviors) in a responsible manner, then that's a real problem.....

Being a single parent is much easier in most area's of life, than being married to a spouse whom you can't trust to perform the daily routine tasks that a spouse and parent must do, for life to move peacefully and uneventfully along...(The single parent can plan, and at least know's what to expect) Boundaries are effective when we place them on ourselves, and then muster the discipline to see them through (no easy task)....If done properly, boundaries will have a positive effect on limiting chaos, conflict, and reducing anxiety. And over the long haul, it will produce personal growth, and teach us what is possible between the two of us...

Most boundaries will need to be fixed, Although some can be flexible. (it all depends on you and your spouse, and your situation)....Setting boundaries needs to start in the trouble area's of our relationships....Anytime there is a high probability of intrusive or abusive behaviors, we need boundaries....Example for us....Our biggest problems are...Control...My wife (thinks like a single person) will just blurt out her plans like she is single...She takes no thought of her husbands role in her life, most of the time....This effects many things....(travel/vac., sharing in finance's,) It also indirectly effects my emotions....My main boundary is to accept her....There is no other choice, but to attempt to control her...lol...So my emotions, the way I speak to her, and treat her has to be kind, and loving, or I walk away....I don't have to be ugly to get her attention....Just the opposite, love and kindness does the work, along w/ the boundary...She has to meet certain life requirements, (accountability) because I also have a boundary to not enable or mother her...

Setting boundaries on ourselves will always effect our spouses (sooner or later)...It's fools gold to think we can set boundaries on another person...The only way to effect someone's thinking, feelings, and behaviors, is by what we allow ourselves to engage in...If I refuse to tolerate dysfunction by not engaging it, verbally, or behaviorally, then it doesn't effect me for the most part...

We are also all human, and we have those area's in our own life where we may be easy prey. We like to defend them by saying things like..."Well, this is how it is suppose to be" Or, we may say things like " Well, the bible say's this is what a wife/husband, or marriage should be like?" ....The facts are, many times we are right in principle, but, the disposition can get very wrong...And again, no matter what is right, I can send my own self to emotional hell, full of anger and anxiety, preaching to an unconcerned soul about what is suppose to be happening between us....WOW, Who's the looser here?....People who are victims (users) will look to manipulate where they see weakness....My wife used sex to manipulate me for years, until I gained the strength to not allow it to happen...Now it's her pursuing me many times...Be strong!...Recognize & Work on your own weaknesses, and you will see it change your spouse.....

We all need to understand who we are, mentally, emotionally, physically, and most of all Spiritually....It's very difficult to navigate life when we are well and stable, it's impossible when we are sick, and refuse to accept it....The first sign of self blindness, is blame and denial.....Not all blame and denial relates to add minds....

Find Peace and Pursue it....

Blessings 

c