I'm new to this site and have a million questions but thought I would try and hone it down to one topic... what can I reasonably expect from my ADHD partner in terms of meeting some of my needs?
I am really struggling at the moment to see what is reasonable to expect for my own needs from my ADHD partner and what is reasonable to give up on in a marriage in terms of my own needs.
I love my husband very much and I really want to make this work but I feel like I am often in a no win situation.
The cycle goes like this....
-I want him to take more responsibility to ease the burden on me so I can have some joy and have some present moments in my life
- however I understand that most responsibility will fall to me as he struggles to organise and plan, so I minimise it for him where possible
- again and again he lets me down and things don't get done by anyone but me (I realise this is a symptom but it is exhausting for me nonetheless)
- When this happens I raise it and get upset, fearful that I will always feel this stressed and weighed down (I know I can't live like this forever so I want it to improve somehow)
- I want him to understand why I am so upset, to take some ownership and also acknowledge that this has been raised as important to me many times
- he is defensive instantly, no empathy, feels criticized and then tells me I should have reminded him more (which is a massive trigger to me because I feel so exhausted and so responsible for everything)
- I get more upset because he is not owning or acknowledging anything
- He gets angry at me for repeating myself
I understand that on my part I need to be more understanding that this is hard for him. And I think I have the capacity to change myself in that way if he is able to be self aware, honest and own some of it too.
Can I ever expect the defensiveness and lack of accountability to ever get better?
I can see us working around the disorganization and symptoms but not that.
From a very stressed out mother of toddler, and wife of a man who is so amazing in so many ways
Hi Seeking Balance
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I could have written your post in its entirety (I'm sure others on here will feel the same). I have a daughter (12) and have been with my husband about 20 years. I have not been able to make headway with what you've described. My husband is instantly defensive no matter how I phrase something. As far as accountability, he honestly can't seem to see that he is doing next to nothing and I am doing everything. He has no empathy for me and thinks he is actually doing a great job (when all he does is take out the trash once a week and show up for the meal I've cooked most nights). He is stressed by the smallest job while I am juggling 100 times as much. Like you, I have tried very hard to understand ADHD and have changed myself in (too) many ways to accommodate it. I can see you love your husband very much and he is so fortunate to have you. However, in my experience I am sorry to say that without the ADHD partner being willing to look at themselves honestly and work hard to modify ingrained patterns. there is little that will likely change for you. Given this, what has worked for me is living like I am a single mother, which entails doing most things myself. For the most part, that means I only take on what I can handle alone. I have cut down my work hours, dropped off social media and I turn down invitations and extras often. It's not what I signed up for and it is far from fair, but if I left him, I would be a single mother anyway. And while I want him to take on more, it is not worth it to me to have to remind and re-remind or have to do it myself in the end anyway because he has let me down yet again. I did that for years and I found it more exhausting (and infuriating) than doing it all myself. I ask him for something as an absolute last resort. It has also helped to hire for some things - like a regular house cleaning and repairs. Though he gets angry, I am now unapologetic and straightforward about why hiring out is sometimes essential for me - his actions have shown me he will not do it. For example, he promised to seed our dying lawn. He didn't. I was way too busy so I hired. We have water stains on our ceiling in two rooms. I have asked him to paint these (the leak is fixed) for over two years. In the New Year I will hire for the job. He will get mad and tell me he was going to do it and that I'm wasting our money, etc., etc. I will be unaffected by his outburst because I know that I could have reminded him for another two years and it still wouldn't get done. (I paint rooms myself all the time, btw... I just really don't want to do the ceilings.)
I don't know if you can relate to this, but my husband's ADHD symptoms did not impact us to an unmanageable point before we had a child. Our responsibilities increased exponentially when we added a baby. I stepped up and he didn't/couldn't. He still hasn't 12 years later and I feel confident now saying he never will. I can not make him paint a ceiling. I can not make him spend time with our child. I can not make him see how much I'm doing because he does so little (even though it's happening in front of him as he sits in a chair staring at the internet). I can not make him take ADHD seriously. Have I ever tried.
I wish you better luck than I've had! Honestly I think this can turn out well if your husband is willing to look at his symptoms honestly and make changes to benefit the family. But if you end up in the same boat, perhaps some of these tactics I've mentioned will be helpful.
Thank you 1Melody1
Submitted by SeekingBalance on
Thank you, I feel so much empathy and think you've been very stoic and enduring. It's very tiring and yes, this only became an unmanageable issue when our son was born and responsibilities, needs and support changed. I understandt , I totally understand why, mentally, you approach it as a single mum. I think I need some kind of a psychological approach myself to drive me.
I feel like if he doesn't own any of this I only have two options... accept that those needs on my part will never be met and leave or.... Accept that my needs will never be met and stay. The only good outcome for me is if my husband shows willing to be honest, self aware and take some responsibility. And in conjunction with that I would work on myself.
It's heart breaking but I'm.so willing.
Painful
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
"It's heartbreaking but I'm so willing."
I know just how that feels. You have such great clarity about your situation and it seems like you have worked very hard to get some ADHD-friendly strategies in place. I really hope you won't need any of my suggestions and will find a way to break through to your husband. :) Counselling. Melissa's book or course maybe. Wishing you the very best.
Thank you 1Melody1
Submitted by SeekingBalance on
Thank you. I can totally see how your strategies will be necessary for me too. Taking on less to not feel overwhelmed, hiring help, giving up on expectations for want of not feeling frustrated or disappointed.
I think I can perhaps try to use his ability to be very present as a strength too sometimes. Maybe just make sure I get out with friends more or away occasionally. Take a long bath. Etc. Breathe... I'd like to feel what is like to swim with the current some days though.
Answers
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Hello, SeekingBalance!
I am going to take a page from c ur self’s manual for dealing with the ADHD effect. Don’t enable your husband, it just makes it easier for him to not do things, because he knows you will “pick up the slack”. He could become more organized with the help of cognitive behavioral therapy, and a good therapist. (My Fiance went on meds for a time and sought out the help of CBT, to get his life in order. That was years before we met, and he is no longer on meds.)
You need to let go of any expectations that he will get anything done. This will not be easy given your current level of frustration. If he feels like he is being pressured, he is less likely to do what you expect him to do.
- I want him to understand why I am so upset, to take some ownership and also acknowledge that this has been raised as important to me many times.
You cannot get him to take ownership of anything. Because the ADHD mind does not work like a neuro typical mind, it may take a while for him to realize that this is really upsetting you. There is a chance that he may never understand. If that is the case, you will need to accept this as well. (I had an issue with my fiancé that he could not understand my point of view. It took months, and I tried a different approach and he FINALLY saw what I was trying to say.)
- he is defensive instantly, no empathy, feels criticized and then tells me I should have reminded him more (which is a massive trigger to me because I feel so exhausted and so responsible for everything)
^^^ This statement above, is a trigger to me. My ex husband was abusive, blamed me for everything, and would often say things like: “Well, you should have reminded me”. NOPE. Not standing for that my second time around, ADHD or not. I shouldn’t have to remind a grown man of things, and neither should you. This is a victim mentality, with blame and deflection thrown in. It can really do a number on you mentally.
- I get more upset because he is not owning or acknowledging anything .
^^ I know it is upsetting and frustrating for you, but you becoming visibly upset will just fuel the fire. You cannot get him to change his behavior.
- He gets angry at me for repeating myself
^^ The solution to this one is to not repeat yourself. If you have made eye contact, and are reasonably sure he heard you the first time, don’t repeat yourself.
Lastly, there is only so much changing you can do yourself, and a limit to how accommodating you can be before it takes its toll on you. Please do not contort yourself, change yourself so much that you don’t recognize who you see in the mirror. I did that with my ex husband. I ended up clinically depressed and hated myself for a long time.
Will his defensiveness and lack of accountability ever get better? I can’t answer that. Only your husband can, if he decides it is important to him.
Thank you AdeleS6845
Submitted by SeekingBalance on
An incredibly well balanced perspective and advice, thank you so much for taking the time to respond.
This is the juggling act... balancing compromise with not losing myself. I do feel incredibly flat and lonely. I miss myself. I know he does too.
I appreciate what you said about repeating myself. I don't know why I do it, frustration perhaps because I know it's not sinking in and it's all so cyclic. I know it doesn't help though, and it is a trigger for him.
I totally agree with you re not enabling a grown man. I think I've worked really hard not to which is making me doubly exhausted. We've actually had some success, he does do chores but it has taken a really long time to get to that point and there are structures in place to assist. And, I will never be able relax knowing it definitely will get done. He basically focuses on day to day repetitive tasks as these become more easily remembered once he's done them a few (hundred) times. He is not able to react and deal with anything outside of that.
I do all of the 'working out'. My brain is fried and it's all mundane boring stuff. The exciting stuff loses its appeal when I do it alone too. Things that used to bring me joy like planning holidays I now find quite stressful and feel overwhelmed easily by another thing to take responsibility for without input or joy. Because he struggles to look ahead of the 'now' he is never excited or enthusiastic about things. I'd love it if we could spur eachother on with excitement for future things.
I'm not entirely sure of my next steps. Somehow I need to figure out if he is going to work on this with me.
Thank you AdeleS6845
Submitted by SeekingBalance on
" (I had an issue with my fiancé that he could not understand my point of view. It took months, and I tried a different approach and he FINALLY saw what I was trying to say.)"
Forgot to ask if you've got any tips on the different approach you used?
A different approach.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
With my approach, I appealed to his sense of logic. I approached things coolly, without emotion.
My issue was with a video that he had posted to his video sailing blog on his You Tube channel. He went to a spring break style boozefest on a lake. He took along two subordinates from work, a 20 something woman and man, along with her brother. They drank and smoked pot, and he got it all on film. Up close footage of her gyrating in her bikini with a drink in her hand, women licking whipped cream off of eachother and french kissing.
I expressed distaste at the whole thing, and he went off, accusing me of being jealous of the girl he worked with. He was quite hurtful in his reaction to my expressing my opinion and we almost broke up over it. It was not until I explained how this little video could hurt his career that he paused to consider my opinion. I explained to him that because he was their superior, it was not appropriate to do those things with subordinates. If he wanted to be considered for promotions, he would need to appear above reproach. That he could suffer repercussions from his "Jobbie Nooner" video, because anyone at work who knew him could view the video. If the young woman had been promoted over someone else, they could cry favoritism, which would be correct. This got him to see things differently. As a side note, he was also "friends" with her on social media, and she meddled in our relationship by making snide comments, so I was happy when he "unfriended" her, and she left the company. ***My fiance is 52, at the time this happened was 47. The girl was clearly manipulating him to get ahead at work, and he didn't see it.**
Thank you AdeleS6845
Submitted by SeekingBalance on
Wow. All I can say it that you are amazing for changing your approach. Thank you for sharing I hope it didn't make painful memories resurface. Sounds like you got through it which shows a rare kind of strength. Inspiring.
Thank you both for your
Submitted by Susan2020 on
Thank you both for your thoughts and advice. I have been reading on ADHD for literally 4 years now. I am older and my children are grown so I'm not in a situation where I am still raising kids. I am trying to simply enjoy my life have a good relationship with my husband. He is not the father of my children. That was first marriage. I find myself in situations where I am blamed for things, accused of attaching him, not defending him etc. I have never attacked anyone nor been accused of this but here I am. I understand finally, the ADHD person will NOT take responsibility for hurting someone, for being rude, for basically anything. It is everyone else fault. The are easily offended and constantly on guard. I'm always second guessing myself and what I say or do. I get anxiety when planning upcoming gatherings since I know my spouse will get uncomfortable and then behave rudely. I'm at a loss at this point. Wondering if I need to end the relationship. I want to be happy in my life now. From what I have read, either I change and accept his behavior, or I leave. I'm afraid to argue any longer. I'm talking to a brick wall with no empathy. My brain refuses to accept but the facts are what they are. This behavior wasnt apparent the first two years we were together. Or maybe I ignored it. I'm not trying to be negative I'm just at a loss for how to manage.
Hi Susan 2020
Submitted by SeekingBalance on
Hi Susan
I'm really sorry to hear of your sadness. It can be ever so lonely and confusing.
Have you read Melissa's book? I find it helped me understand my husband's intentions and made me feel like the actions or inactions were far less personal. It's definitely helps the self esteem.
X
Hi,
Submitted by Susan2020 on
Hi,
Please let me know the name of Melissa's book. I might have missed earlier. I will definitely read it!
Thank you!
Book
Submitted by SeekingBalance on
The ADHD effect on marriage, Melissa Orlov x
Thank you! I realized her
Submitted by Susan2020 on
Thank you! I realized her name after I posted that! LOL
Here is a list of thoughts for you.....
Submitted by c ur self on
1) In most cases that I've read about, and it's the same here, your husband will cause as much work for you as any children you have....IF you refuse to accept this you will suffer emotionally and other ways....
2) Most non's will instantly start making invalid's out of their add spouse's, because of their lack of understanding of how their minds work..(fail to understand and accept their responsibilities) and how easily they become dependant and lazy to day to day chores...The more you do, the worse he will get, and the more he will justify is lack of effort....They become institutionalized....You have to enter the marriage w/ boundaries, he must understand from the beginning, you will not carry him and his responsibilities....At this point, you find out if he truly loves you, (he will get out of his comfort zone, and step up), are just loves the benefits of life w/ you, watching and experiencing the easy of living you are providing. (He will turn into a ugly victim, withdraw, or leave you and hunt someone else to carry him)
3) Never think for him, you can't, it's instant conflict when you do....
4) Never make plans w/ him in mind, where you are assuming that he will work or take responsibility.....(child care, financial debt, never put your name on any document where you are trusting him to keep you out of trouble or debt, never think he has the mental capacity to organize, move residence's, throw away trash and unused junk etc..)
This a few things, that jumped out at me reading your post....Not all behaviors are the same from one add mind to the other, but, they are uncannily close...If you don't discipline your life (force yourself to respect the huge difference in life style and life pursuits) to live and let live, and give him his space to live, instead of making him your project, it will destroy your peace, and dominate your thoughts....
Ask yourself what is possible? You can pack and leave today, (we all can) or we can accept them....But we will never ever change another adult....And only great damage occurs, when we try to.....Any life changes you make, always be your decision....Him too...All of us....If we don't see the need, and muster the fortitude it ain't happening...
Just accept the reality of it all!....It's a little depressing, but, it will save you down the road....
Blessings
c
Anger frustration
Submitted by Yinyogi on
Can def relate to the anger frustration of having a spouse with trigger defensive hostile responses to pretty much anything that comes out of
my mouth. We have been married 31 years and my therapist about 12 years ago figured out based on my therapy that hubs might be ADHD. She gave me articles to read. I couldn’t just sit him down to tell him. He had to figure it out in his own so we went to couples and a couple years in that therapist gave him Hallowell’s CD . Hubs said he pulled over and cried when he heard the list of symptoms while listening in the car.
We have both put in a lot of work. He with an adhd coach and me going full tilt with work owning my business, raising the 2 kids and organizing finances , organizing every vacation we ever took except for one. Compensating by cleaning ikitchen, gardening, cleaning up empty glasses left all over the house. ) Daughter is also adhd so even more glasses everywhere and chaos when she comes to visit.
Also opening and sorting mail,recycling paying bills, scheduling contractors , appointments
i hit the wall with a major heart surgery preceded by possibly a stroke that completely changed me. I still own the business but don’t work in it much and am receiving disability payments from a private insurance policy. I no longer have the mental
bandwidth to do 10 things simultaneously. I really am resting and taking care of myself and not jumping in to save every situation. I am setting boundaries for my health , mental and physical, and he is mighty ticked off about it and hugely reactive if I say for instance,” I can’t find the scissors “
I am no longer the grinding working out of breath running from one thing to another working weekends and nights and days on business and home with not a second to spare spouse. I am sleeping late while he goes to work, filling my days with yoga, outdoor hikes with my dogs, lunch with friends or my folks who live in town. Occasionally I do some management work or go into the practice for meetings with practice manager.
He is working and has a lot more stress at his job as it is the federal government in 2019 and went for a promotion that he didn’t get. He is very unhappy at his position and honestly he was talking about retiring soon a couple years before my heart event and surgery. So instead of me working extra years to support a spouse retiring in his 50s he is now working while I rest.
I think this situation is causing these extremely hostile reactions. He says it is me complaining about everything. When I ask where something is that is interpreted as a complaint. When I text him asking him where a tool is so I can do a repair that is interpreted as a complaint. I now rarely text or call him. I have read the adhd marriage book and wonder if there is oppositional defiance going on or if it just the extreme shame he has inside. Whatever it is it’s new behavior. I have come to the conclusion that it is not my job to fill his emptiness and make his shame magically disappear. I am not going to be putting sticky notes in his lunchbox or all over the house either. Only he can do it. I am coping by going on road trips either by myself or camping with my dogs. I am spending time rebuilding the shreds of neglected friendships due to “busyness” .May head to Florida with pups for a “break” and soak up some sun.
So I can relate. Hope there are some snippets of useful tips in there for ya all.
Happy New Year
Thank you yinyogi
Submitted by SeekingBalance on
Thank you for your response. It sounds very similar, incredibly frustrating bbutbit sounds like you are finding some peace at the moment and are able to leave his behaviours with him rather than let them damage you ...too much.
My worry is that all of the solutions and advice from kind people like you on this site seem to imply I need to accept a lot and expect nothing. This breaks my heart. I'm so lonely.
Unfortunately
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
This is exactly it. You said it in a nutshell. Not all spouses have to do this and not all neurotypical folks married to an ADHD partner need to do this but as you can see from some of the posts here sometimes it is necessary.
You can either accept that your partner is the way he is or not. Acceptance on your part does not change anything with him, but it will help you to become less frustrated. We all have expectations in relationships married or not. A relationship with someone who has ADHD is not the same has a relationship with a neurotypical person as you know.
Ultimately the way I see it there are two ways to handle this. You can either go your Separate Ways, or accept the fact that he is who he is and may never change. This may involve living a more separate life.
Duplicate post
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Removed
Good stuff
Submitted by Yinyogi on
Sometimes the holidays aggravate everything and both of us are much more sensitive. You can see if energy in your home gets better as December fades into the past.
We are both affected by seasonal lack of sunlight as we live in Massachusetts. I purchased a sun lamp and aM using it regularly for 20 minutes every morning. He hasn’t touched it although he knows he has seasonal affective disorder. I am also trying a grounding mat on our bed to see if it helps our moods by decreasing inflammation in our bodies. There is a movie called the Groundlings? that explains the science around that. The movie came with the grounding mat. As you can see I am trying everything even the kooky woo woo sounding stuff.
Stay calm with him as then he has no excuse to verbally abuse. Unfortunately you do have to self monitor your behavior constantly and be the adult in the room. Always. Have a couple good friends you can let down with and laugh and enjoy life. Make your own plans that don’t depend on him if you need some time off even if just for a couple hours.
i would suggest writing down some of the things you enjoy about him and see if it is longer than the list of things that make you want to run screaming into the woods and never return. Maybe you have great adventurous vacations or laugh a lot together or love going out dancing. Maybe that stuff will outweigh the negative at times. Right now for me it is not. He accuses me of being angry and he is right I am. And I have a right to be. I am allowed that emotion.i am even allowed to express it !!!!!! And I recently have. It moved him to get off the amphetamine which seemed to be causing some symptoms of hyper focus ( raking same section of grass for 2 hours???? Taking three weeks to scrape and paint the 2 radiators that heat our second floor in the dead of winter????) Unfortunately that emotion is stigmatized in women . I believe Orlov uses the word witch in her book.
i can tell you the lack of empathy and lack of organization and inattentiveness will always be there. It will get worse when he has more challenges at work or forgets to take meds or is on the wrong meds or decides to blow off adhd coach. So you have to decide what is right for you and if there are kids what is best for you and the kids. It is a sad realization.
I was so unaware of what was going on in the relationship until my kids were in high school. That put a ton of pressure on the relationship and sent us into couples where he figured it out.
i can’t say couples helped at all. It was mostly him whining about his commute to work and how hard is life is with him not getting what he needs from
me or life in general and the therapist coaching me on how to talk to him — for four years. But it did allow him to vent. I could not open up as it seemed to be old home week for him and the male therapist. They both attended the same college by chance and every session was like a college reunion.
What really helped was him going to individual with an adhd coach. There were times he quoted what she said to him
and I thought “ this lady is saving my marriage”. So of course he stopped going 18 months ago when I had my heart event. That’s when things really started to slide. So thank you blog for getting me to remember that I need to gently broach the topic of going back to the coach.
Thank you yinyogi
Submitted by SeekingBalance on
Thank you, it sounds like you guys have worked really hard and yes, you are absolutely allowed to feel angry. I have to constantly remind myself of what is normal and human and ok to feel. I'm not superhuman, able to shut off all feelings for the sake of another.
I appreciate what you're saying about the list.... weirdly I wrote a gratitude list today and it was quite hard because it made me think of the things that are missing. I think the issue is that the things we enjoyed were possible pre baby. We don't have relatives at hand to give regular breaks, although we use a babysitter sometimes. The freedom was something we both enjoyed. I want to embrace our new life and joys but I think he mourns it and often resents that he can't go out more. He's very sociable and likes to move around a lot.
We are in counselling but not ADHD specific. I can totally see how individual ADHD focussed therapy would be of huge benefit to our marriage. Best of luck encouraging that to start again with your partner. I know it can be exhausting having counselling so perhaps he just needed a break from self reflection.
Its strange because I'm so angry that I feel like I'm left with miserable choices but clearly there's something that keeps me wanting to make it work. I think the thing that causes so much pain is also the thing I fell in love with. He thinks differently.
Children and chores
Submitted by Yinyogi on
Does he do any chores around the house? Any specific activities with your child? I’d encourage him to commit to a couple he enjoys. ADHD is calmed by outdoor activities so maybe I taking your daughter out for walks or committing to mowing the lawn. I know this is a stretch. My hubs committed to mowing the law and it didn’t get done more than once every 4-6 weeks and died. My husband will do dishes if there is not already a pile in the sink so we all try to do our own. My husband never did chores regularly so we hired a home cleaner when we could absolutely not afford it and it really really helped the marriage. And it saved our kids from getting screamed at while I was doing Saturday appointments by an enraged daddy who did not want to supervise chore day. Kids told me later in the 20s he literally would bite his hand in order not to hit them.
Does your husband like an orderly house ? Sometimes they do even as they create messes everywhere they go. I don’t clean up the crumbs from every snack or the wine glasses and water glasses left all around. Eventually he does notice them and pick them up. Does yours notice that he can think clearer when the house is free of clutter? Mine has noticed and I have pointed out that for both of us clutter causes more mental clutter. Presenting that way prevented the defensiveness. Having lived in the same house for 30 years we are at a stage where we are giving away and offloading items. It is freeing. We are members of a Buy Nothing Facebook group for our town. You can give things away or scroll for things you need. It has been great for getting rid of large or small items and saving money and the environment via reusing things.
Presenting things as “we are in this together”is a nice way to get him to buy in but it is truly just a method not a true “being in it together”. It is me running circles to get him on a path that is necessary to maintain the household.
Back to the grass. We attempted to regrow the grass for 4-5 years and finally had some success. I have mentioned that the grass looks much better and it will last only if it gets mowed weekly. We have decided to accept clover with open arms as it is a good nitrogen fixer and bees love the flowers. I still do not mow the lawn because I had been doing it for about 15 years until my son was in high school and finally looked around the house and saw two grown men and asked myself why I was taking on the chore when there was no need to.
So there are multiple approaches to the mechanics of running the household. The empathy I can say will be very hard to come by and even in non ADHD marriages I see that the kids can literally suck the life out of a marriage. With kids you have to both fight for your sanity and to seize as much fun and joy out of your lives as you can.
ADHD woman who wants to know how to respond to non-ADHD spouse
Submitted by bbychinky on
Hi SeekingBalance,
My fiance is like you and I'm the one with ADHD. I recently self-diagnosed myself since my whole family has it and my fiance has been dealing with my craziness for the past 16 years. He understands a bit more but I don't think he wants to accept that it may be impossible for me to change completely while I'm truly trying to put the effort to learn about my brain and how I can workaround it. He was acting depressed this morning because he doesn't have anything to look forward to in life. He's suffering from Lyme disease as well. When I asked him what's wrong, he says that his depression came out because he thinks about all the time wasted in his life, all the money he had to use to support me which caused him to be in more debt. After him losing his patience because he didn't hear what he wanted me to say on my own, (instead I showed frustration because I really don't know how to make it up to him) he got angry and went out of the apartment to smoke. Before he left, he did say that he was expressing his feelings to me and that all he wanted to hear was that I am sorry and acknowledge/ own up to my poor decision making in the past which caused us to be both in debt and suffering a disease caused by stress.
I don't know why I can't just apologize at that time. I was thinking about what I am capable of doing that didn't involve money (can't spend) to make him happy. That's why I got frustrated. When I see him depressed, I get depressed. I am SO sorry to all the non-ADHD spouses that have to put up and live a unfulfilling life just to take care of us. Before I found out of about my ADHD, I would always leave the relationship because I was tired of disappointing him by not being the person he wanted me to be. Now that I know about my ADHD, I am diligently reading and learning ways to overcome it. But it's not that easy and fast. I don't want him to suffer anymore. Even if it means not being with me so he can truly live a happy life with a normal person. I will be happy for him. I know I wrote A LOT here sorry that's the ADHD giving you too much information overload.
Do you non-ADHD spouses have any advice, tips, suggestions, on how I can improve on responding to him? It's so hard for me to show emotions, feel empathy, but I need to know what I can say to support him while he is venting. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated!!!
Try this
Submitted by inSearchForHope on
Why won't you both agree on living apart for like 6 months or a year. You could focus on adjusting your life / fixing it and he can focus on himself. Then meet and talk. Time and distance likely will tell if you are better together or apart.
Thanks for responding!
Submitted by bbychinky on
Hi InSearchForHope,
Funny thing is, I have proposed to take some time apart so I can work on self-development and be independent. I left to Texas to visit my brother recently because I needed to get away from all of our fights (which were caused by me). I realized that by being with my fiance for 16 years, he has molded me into a more neurotypical person. My brother was has ADD has way worse symptoms that I do. I felt like I was a normal person compared to him! I felt happy because I can try to teach him what I've learned. But that's going to take A LOT of effort and time. At first, I wrote my fiance a letter saying that because he will not accept me for the way I am or my ADHD family, then we shouldn't be together. When he wrote a letter back to me stating all of my good qualiites that I have NEVER heard him say before, I fell back in love. BUT now that I'm back at home with him, the fighting continues. He knows he can find someone else easily who is normal with a normal family. But he feels like he has invested so much into our relationship already that it's hard to let go. I know that a separation will do us both some good. For him, it would have to be the end where there will be no more opportunity to get back together. SIGH life...