Signing separation papers. January 28, 2015. I cannot move out, as our financial situation is not in a place where that would work out. If he moved out, I would be stuck in the "physical mess" of my spouses hoarding, and all his business materials are here. I am listening to God. God will not, and has not given me the the word that I can get divorced.
And not because I promised in my vows, nor will be the martyr of believing God made this mess, so he must want me in it. I clearly believe God is chasing after my spouse.
What I believe in my whole heart of hearts is that he has some really awful behaviors weighing him down. They may have served a purpose at one time - self defensive mechanisms - but now they are weighing him to the bottom of the ocean, where he cannot work on our marriage, because he is drowning in his pain. Gasping for breath surely makes it hard to do ANYTHING but survive.
He will have to decide if he wants to get off his pity pot of Woe is Me, and do the hard work to get free of it. I KNOW this road so well. My eating disorders served a purpose for a long, long time. I had to fight to get their grip off me, as they no longer served a purpose, but rather had me trapped. My spouse can do the same thing.
His ADHD just - well it is. Cannot be cured from it. Does not need to be fixed. He has developed many many defensive mechanism in all the years - over 50 of them - surviving his ADHD without diagnosis. Many of those are destructive to him. And in that, they are not good for our marriage. He needs to let them go, and learn better skills.
The problem I fight with is it appears he cannot, or will not. I only know the end result, which is he doesn't. And I cannot make him, or convince him, or do it for him.
We all need to separate who we are - from what we do. Who he is has always been a handsome 6' 4" blonde haired blue eyed hunk of man. What he is doing - - -well it is drowning him in anger. I just can no longer take that anger.
I will hope someday he will choose to ask how he can break free from all that baggage - rather than focus on, "I am so sad. Liz wants to leave."
Liz
Life is about You Liz
Submitted by jace20 on
I can say from experience, there is help out there for your husband. However, he MUST recognize his disorder. Until that happens; nothing will change.
Woman, as a general rule want to nurture and rescue. If we just hang in there long enough things will change. In the mean time your life is slipping away.
What is important is that you take care of your spirit; who you are as a human being.
Ask yourself, "what was it that I saw in this person when I met him that I am not seeing now? "You have stated this man is easy on the eyes. That may be true but, is he easy on your emotions, your spirit, your life?
Trying to find new ways to walk on egg shells is not living - not even close. Every day that you spend not nurturing your own soul is a day wasted.
This is his life story, not your's. You are not here to fix anyone. You are here to fulfill your dreams and to make your life what you want it to be. We are responsible for our own happiness and if that happiness is dependent on you getting away from this individual. Then so be it. Do not try to save him. Let this be a learning curve in your life. In future, evaluate your partner to the enth degree before you ever consider a relationship. Outward appearance reflects nothing about the individual. I was attracted to my husband because he was the polar opposite of my first husband who was lazy, never worked, was abusive in everyway, so of course my current husband seemed like a choir boy compared to him. I refused to see the ADHD in my current husband because I was impressed with his hard working, ambitious qualities . That is my fault - no one else's. My first marriage was my fault and so was my second. No one told me to be with these individuals. That was a choice that I made and I need to take ownership of that and I do.
My husband is over focused. He is always cleaning and tiding. Most ADHD people are the opposite, but over focused ADHD is just as difficult to live with as under focused. My husband is on medication and for the most part he is controlled however, once in a while he gets very confrontational. When that happens I dismiss him. In other words, I do not engage in his quest to draw me in. Engaging with him is only enabling his behavior. I have left him in the past, before he was medicated and I will leave him again should his behavior become unacceptable. I had no intentions of living a life in that manner. My life is precious and there is no one or nothing that is worth sacrificing that too.
If you haven't already sought councelling for yourself , it may be a wise thing to do because I think it is important to understand why you do what you do. So many people seek counselling looking for answers to change their spouse but really the councelling should be for yourselves. Once you understand who you are and why you do what you do, you will be able to make better decisions about which direction you want your life to head.
Love and nurture yourself - your husband is not your responsibility. Good luck to you.
Jace