The relationship with my spouse has deteriorated to the point that he frequently does not recall what I say (insists I said something that I did not), and also frequently does not recall what he said ("I never said that" and "you are lying"). It is now easier for me to say nothing rather than being accused of attacking him nearly every time I speak. If I am quiet and not talking "I must be angry with him", but if I say anything then I am criticizing him. After near 39 years of marriage, I have attempted multiple ways of dealing with this situation, but this has worn me down to a very thin edge to the point that I want to crawl under my bed and never come out again. His anger is now on a trigger point and he can go from calm to screaming angry in 2 seconds (very scary).
I am having a counseling session (for myself) today, and wonder if I should just pack it in. Spouse insists he wants to work on relationship, but it appears he is only willing to say it and not do the work involved (this happened multiple times over the weekend when he apologize for overreacting to something I said, but then 10 minutes later did the same thing). I realize he is under much work related stress, but I am falling apart. I feel as if I can do all I can to improve the situation, but if he is not willing to even do ANY of the work, then my efforts are really wasted.
He has encumbered our Equity Line to the maximum to save his business, and my name is on the account. Due to the account nearing maturity, the minimum payments will increase dramatically in a few months, and I know his business cannot make those payments in addition to making a contribution to the household. My income will not cover all of the household expenses. I have attempted to discuss this with him over several months, but each time there is a work related emergency that delays the discussion. If I could walk away and take my name off the house and Equity Line, then I would do so. It is simply not worth worrying about what I know he will NOT do. Maybe that is the answer to my question in the beginning.......
Can you see a lawyer?
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
If I could walk away and take my name off the house and Equity Line, then I would do so.
When I was seeing a therapist, she suggested I speak with a divorce lawyer about my legal concerns over leaving. I took her advice and was glad I did because I got concrete answers to my "what if" questions.
Perhaps you can see a lawyer ASAP to see what recourse you might have in getting your name off those accounts before the situation gets worse (E.G. if you separated today, would that mean you are not responsible for future debt/higher payments?). Just a thought. That doesn't mean you have to divorce, just that you know what it might look like for you financially if you did. It could be bad news, but at least then you know what you're dealing with in its entirety.
I'm sorry for what you're going through.
Will see lawyer
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
I appreciate the advice. Counselor said basically the same thing, so will be calling for an appointment today. Not what I had wished for, but I cannot allow my financial future to be compromised by his lack of attention to finances.
Will be thinking of you
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
When I went to see a lawyer, I was shaking so much. But I got through it and got the answers I needed. It feels good to take control of your own life even though it's hard. I think you are so strong for taking this step.
I'm so deeply sorry you're
Submitted by Shaky1 on
I'm so deeply sorry you're experiencing such worry and pain. I'm a zombie wreck after only a short time so cannot imagine withstanding so many years. Whatever you decide to do, remember you are not alone, have support, and can do this. This weekend it got so bad for me I fled my home and had to pull car over to calm down and call a friend to talk me off the ledge. I've never been in such darkness. Knowing this board was here, that I am not insane, that my life is still valuable helped immensely and I made an appointment for some help this week. Thank you for sharing your story.
Made appointment with lawyer
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Thank you for your comments and support. I have made an appointment with a lawyer for this Thursday to discuss options. I even had a very calm discussion with my husband about what may be available to him. He was shocked at how analytical I was -- apparently he has somehow forgotten just how determined I can be when I set my mind to something. It did just "click" yesterday that he is not going to change -- he is satisfied with the way things have proceeded, he has money through the household to support his business, and his idea of future financial planning is to "make more money." Needless to say, this is not the way I plan. I will move forward in a way that protects me and my future at all costs. I do not wish to divorce him, but it may come to that; I have to be a realist even if he is not. I even called the bank to check on options for the Equity Line that would remove my name from the account; they are available despite the fact my spouse insisted it could not be done. I do realize that part of this "dance" has been my actions and behaviors over the years. I am just very sad that my husband's mistress (his work and clients) have taken the place of our relationship. One reason all of this has happened now is that over the past 4 years, we have been directly dealing with all of our very elderly parents and their issues. He actually had to become legal guardian for both of his parents due to dementia. We ended up doing things I thought were not possible (I even told my father he could not remain at home as mom was unable to care for him); I discovered a strength that I did not know I had. Maybe in the end, this recent experience has taught me that I CAN do these things even though it appears to be impossible. My husband had better "buckle up" as he is in for a ride he did not know he was going to take! (By the way, my husband is actually a lawyer so at least I am not afraid of how to handle a legal situation. I have been in the middle of the legal profession for years through his experience, and know I can manage it just as well as him.)
The next question for myself is: do I want a relationship that is superficial? Do I want to be with someone on whom I cannot rely? Items to consider.....
Keep us posted. I admire your
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Keep us posted. I admire your strength and determination.
Sounds like Dementia...
Submitted by c ur self on
No matter what it is, you will need to face the reality of the circumstances...You can't be expected to walk around in your own house like a mouse on egg shells...It really sounds dangerous....Many of us may say, and truly want to work on ourselves....But the facts of out of control emotions, will always override what we want....Please take care of yourself....When a person can continue in their unhealthy life style (anger, lashing out, etc) with no real price to pay...(being left alone, etc.) they really have no reason (forced accountability) to see themselves, truly repent, and truly work on the behavior's flowing from their hearts and minds.....
Bless you, and be safe!
c
It is NOT dementia
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Fortunately it is not dementia. I have now had experience with 3 of our 4 parents being affected by various forms of dementia so have had more education on the subject than I should. My husband really can go from 0 to 100 in anger but is usually due to something I say or do. No conflict if I do not challenge his ideas. Am now getting referral to another lawyer so am making appointment by tomorrow!
It is NOT dementia and how to deal with lack of trust in husband
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Fortunately it is not dementia. I have now had experience with 3 of our 4 parents being affected by various forms of dementia so have had more education on the subject than I should. My husband really can go from 0 to 100 in anger but is usually due to something I say or do. No conflict if I do not challenge his ideas. Am now getting referral to another lawyer so am making appointment by tomorrow!
October 8 - I have contacted 2 attorneys from the referral so hope to speak to someone soon. Does anyone else have idea how to deal with feelings that I must protect myself financially from my husband? He was the one person I thought I could trust completely but now I realize that is NOT the case and I am having difficulty dealing with that reality. I do not even try to discuss it with him since he is very capable of finding justification for any and all things he determines to do (with our monies). When I spoke to the attorney yesterday who gave me the referrals, she told me I was a saint to deal with the situation. I don't feel as if I am a saint as my husband makes me feel as if I am unreasonable at every instance. I feel as if I am a reasonable person, but husband talks to me as if I am nothing more than a panic stricken woman. I resent having to go to the extreme of seeking legal advice (especially since my husband is a lawyer) but he insists there is nothing else he can do to remedy the situation. When we spoke the other day, he did admit that if he had not used the Equity Line for his business then he probably would have had to shut it down--that may have been preferable to this situation.
Attorney is unhelpful
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
It appears all that an attorney wishes to do is a post nuptial agreement-- what if you do not want a divorce, just a bit of financial stability? I can have my husband agree to something when we have a discussion, but then he does whatever he thinks is best since his business needs it in his mind--my needs are second to business. Maybe that says it all.
Another attorney recommended speaking to our financial planner. What if we make a plan and agreement but my husband does not follow through? I am in a bad situation at every turn while he gets all he wants. So much for better or for worse--my husband is definitely getting the better part!
If you set boundaries; you can alleviate much of the problem.
Submitted by c ur self on
It's not a good situation when your spouse is someone you can't trust...Same here...So I had to ask myself; what needs to happen to limit the sharing, where there is no trust, and huge difference's in responsibility level?
The only answer I could come up with is part ways, or set boundaries....My wife and I do not share finance's, we do our taxes married filing separate...We have no access to each others accounts...Among other boundaries that just make for accountability. Boundaries really help us limit conflict, because we feel quiet a bit different when it comes to spending priorities, and saving priorities...And even if we can agree in theory (verbally) she can't put legs on it....
She recently has said this to me..." I wish I could live as affluently as you do"....This is a victim statement....she travels much more than I do....She blows money, want sell her old house, that has set empty 10 of the 13 years we've been married (still paying payments, while I brought her into a paid for home when I married her)....Our income is close to the same, She retired, and went back to work 6 months later for the same salary....So, she is drawing her retirement, plus her salary. I'm retired....I save systematically, and am much more thrifty than she is....I spend about twice as much on groceries, and our eating out meals than she does....She and I split the common bills....At the present, she is about 1000.00 dollars in debt to me for her half...It's not a surprise.....:)
When you are married to a man/women whom you cannot truly trust, then boundaries can stop a user from taking over your life...She hated the boundaries early on, but, she has gotten use to it...I've told her, we are going to get old, loving, and being kind and respectful to one another, or I'm out of here...No more conflict, no more arguing..She know's I mean it....Boundaries eliminate a lot of the area's that use to have us in conflict....
My advice to myself, and to you, (anyone) Never attempt to share, where you know it's not possible and peace be had.....It's just self inflicted suffering, if we do....
Just because someone is intelligent, and capable in many areas' of life, doesn't mean that they are not a child in mind, when it comes to many area's of life.. High level add/ (spectrum) minds, usually will be this child in many ways...My wife is....
c
Boundaries are a good idea
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Boundaries are great as long as both parties adhere to them. Past discussions on budgeting and financing are to no avail in our household. It appears that to obtain the security that I need for peace of mind that I may be forced into a legal separation that I do not necessarily want. If I tried to split the common bills in our household, husband would come up with reason why he could not pay (i.e., clients could not pay me and I NEED these books right now). Husband's concept of budget is no budget at all--just earn more money--if only it was that simple! Husband sees nothing wrong with awaiting his parents' estate to pay off his business debt (on home Equity Line) but when the account matures in next few months, he will not be able to afford the accelerated payments due to his monthly business expenses. I am beyond frustrated and depressed with this situation.
Only you know....
Submitted by c ur self on
My boundaries aren't mutual....They are set by me, on me....When you separate finance's....That ends it!.....He can't touch anything that is your's...Nor you his....But, I understand completely if you feel he will bully you into giving in to his irresponsible financial habits, if you are present....Some times separating is the only way....
c
Consulting with Attorney but few answers
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
I had a phone conference with the attorney yesterday. Bottom line is I am responsible for all debts incurred in the marriage. Only option to get my name off Equity Line is to have husband get a new mortgage in his name only, closing out current Equity Line, with using house as collateral. Husband would be responsible for paying new mortgage with his business funds (since all of the debt is business related), but just the house would be encumbered. If he does not pay the mortgage, then the house would be at risk, but only his credit would be affected since he would be only person on mortgage (that is unless he put the house into foreclosure as a result of not paying the mortgage -- not a good situation either). Husband is unable to get a business loan since he has nothing else available for collateral.
I feel as if I am between a rock and a hard place. Attorney offered to do a post nuptial agreement to protect me in case of divorce, but I really do not want a divorce. I will see our counselor next week, so guess I will discuss all with her as well.
In the midst of all this, I am dealing with post Covid IBS 7 months now. Found a doctor who recommended a very specific medication, but cannot get anyone to get proper information to health insurance in order for it to be approved. Since medication is over $800 without health insurance, cannot afford it otherwise.
I am just worn out.