My ADHD spouse was diagnosed 5 years ago. It explained a lot for both of us. He started meds and therapy.
I have been supportive but have not gotten involved in treatment unless I was requested to get involved either by him and/or his therapist. It has not been easy. I know that he has tried different meds and combinations of meds but I do not know what he is taking. He doesn't go to therapy very often - he's too busy he says.
I admit that I have gotten quite frustrated and angry, have fallen in nagging / mothering and work really hard to get away from that. I recognize what I need to work on and that it's not easy.
Things have been getting much worse, especially over the last few months. He doesn't go to bed at night most nights until at least 4am. He doesn't eat well unless it's when he's home and eat my cooking. Drinks multiple cans of cola per day, doesn't exercise.
He has always has this negative mindset - that I must be conspiring against him, that I mean something other than what I am saying, that I must be hidding something from him etc... Now, it's gotten to the point where I am the cause of his inaction. He can't contribute because I am not nice enough. He doesn't come to bed at night because I am not loving enough. He can't get things done because if he does I don't praise him so why bother etc...If I only "let things be" (i.e. not ask, not remind, not follow-up, not react etc...) then he would get things done. I can't ask him a question without it being seen as a loaded question - that I don't really want an answer, I must just be trying to pin something on him. I ask for an opinion he doesn't have one.I make a decision he questions - he says he is only trying to help by offering other suggestions...
ME:Where would you like to go for dinner? HIM: I have no preference, you pick. ME: Lets go to X then. HIM: Why not to Y??
ME: What time do you want to leave in the morning. HIM: I don't know. ME: I think we should leave at 8am. HIM: Why not 7:30? ME: OK. Then we end up leaving at 8:30.
These a trivial examples but it's the same about everything. He doesn't want to get involved in our budget, bill payments, taxes, meal planning, house maintenance, repairs, vacation planning, booking summer camps, daycare, school forms etc... But he questions why I make the decisions I do, why not do it differently etc... Everything is questioned and argued but he doesn't take the initiative. Then he says I take too much on my shoulders that's why he offers other suggestions to be helpful. IT'S NOT HELPFUL! I was managing credit card payments - which were paid in full monthly - so I was also reviewing transactions. He complained that I was checking him with his credit card so I handed back the responsability of his card to him. Within 3 months the card was maxed out and payments not made. Now it's my fault because I threw it back at him. I should have known he wouldn't't be able to handle it.
Last summer, I found a piece of paper with a phone number, he took it from me and ripped it up but not before I Googled it and it was an escort. He says he had no clue, that an employee gave him that number, it must be a mistake. Should you talk to your employee? No, can<t do that. What would he think if I told him what that number is for??
Since then, our phone bill, which includes cell phones, included call to escorts. He says they must have been wrong numbers or someone at work must have taken his phone. Numbers are NOT on the phone log on the actual phone, he has no recollection and doesn't know why that would be.
Yesterday, I noticed an email account I didn't know about with inapropriate emails. He immediately deleted the account, even though I asked him not to. He then said that someone at work must have hacked into his phone and created the account. Then he accused me of creating it myself to find an excuse to leave him. Then he said that if he DID create he has absolutely no recollection of it.
He went to bed Saturday night/Sunday morning at 5:30am. Slept in until at least noon - we had a contractor coming to our house at 9am and had to take care of it and then had to go run errands and he was just getting up when I came back around 1pm). He took another nap on the couch in the afternoon, missed dinner because he was in bed and then watched TV until he came up to bed sometime after midnight.
He has not done laundry in WEEKS (I stopped doing his laundry years ago when he complained about how I was doing his). Yesterday he complained he was not able to do laundry because I was.
I am scared, exhausted, don't know what to do anymore. I never got involved in his treatment. I have been trying to be supportive - it's hard - and I have been patient. I think his ADHD is out of control. I think he needs help. What do I do??
ETA: Sometimes (of often lately) I feel as I he doesn't really want to take this seriously. I am the high income earner, all the bills get taken care of, the house gets taken care of (as best I can which is not as much as I would like), our child gets taken care of, all appointments get taken care of, we go on great vacations that I plan entirely, he comes home to meals that I make while he sits on the couch watching tv and after eating he goes right back to the couch etc... Then he blames me for not doing enough FOR him and that is the reason why he has trouble with his ADHD. What is the upside of him doing anything about it?
Short, sharp shock
Submitted by sunlight on
sdelo, your last paragraph (the one beginning ETA) really makes it all clear. He is on easy street, you do the heavy lifting, he probably resents and is jealous of your ability to 'do it all', he probably needs his meds re-evaluated, and he's fooling around or thinking about it. The 'help' he needs is a big kick up his sorry backside (and if you read my past posts I'm sympathetic to the difficulties that come with ADHD so I don't say this lightly). He is taking advantage of your hard work, behaving like a teenager, and is acting with pretty obvious contempt towards you. I would be very frank at this point and make it clear to him (simple sentences, no ambiguity) that he needs to get back to his prescribing doctor and get his meds re-evaluated, and that he gets back to therapy (you might want to look into getting another therapist, maybe he doesn't find the current one useful). Do not be afraid to make clear to him that you will be evaluating the future of the relationship if he does not address his behavior. He can choose escorts and divorce, or he can choose his family but he can't have both (I'm guessing that is what you think, if not then adjust as necessary!). Currently he probably feels that everything will be fine for as long as he can continue to spin tales without there being any consequence for him.
Also, it is okay and even advisable for you to know what is going on with his treatment and meds - you need to be contributing feedback which somehow gets to his psychiatrist otherwise the doctor is relying only on your husband's possibly distorted perception of how or whether the medications are working. I have never attended any of my husband's appts but I have sent written notes occasionally and I know that the psychiatrist often asks my husband for my view on his meds. Could you somehow try to work towards a similar situation?
(By the way, I am not clear from your post whether his meds are prescribed by his therapist or if there are two doctors involved. I personally am not a great fan on one doctor trying to fulfill both roles. A psychiatrist specializing in adult ADHD is typically more aware of drug combinations that may be appropriate then a general family doctor or a psychologist and at the same time a psychiatrist is often not appropriate for 'talking' about behavioral problems. I have assumed that he sees a psych for meds and a counsellor/therapist for the rest, sorry if I got that wrong).
Funny, have told him that I feel i have a teenager for a husband
Submitted by Julia on
I can't do it all though. I have told him that. I am trying to get things done because they NEED done but I am totally mentally and physically exhausted. I I have gone on strike once - it was actually an interesting experiment. I gave fair warning that I was starting a strike. Then when he didn't wake up in time for work because I didn't give him a time check in the morning, when our child did not get to school on time because he wasn't ready to drive her, when I got home in the evening and sat down with a glass of wine and they realized dinner wasn't getting made, it started to hit home. It lasted a few days and then i stopped when he promised that he understood, he would try harder - and also because at that point the house was starting to look like a war zone and I was starting to get MORE stressed knowing how much was pilling up. Then everything got back to being the same. I cry everyday and feel in a total fog. My work is starting to get affected - luckily I have an extremely supportive boss and am able to take time as needed, although I have not gone into details, just that I am struggling at home.
He does need a kick in the ass. He needs to kick himself in the ass, stop blaming me for his inability to move forward. But he won't. And I don't have control over that. I could leave and I am seriously thinking about it. At this point I think his issues are too serious and that it will never get better. But I can't. I don't want to split up our family. We used to be so good together and sometimes we still are the best friends we used to be. But these moments are fewer and far between.
I did not get involved with his treatment in order to let him manage it. I chose not to feel like the parent and felt he would have more ownership in the process. I have been communicating with his therapist over the last few months, in writing and in person, to give feedback but also to vent as things were getting so bad. I contacted her this morning. He promised he would book an appointment this week.
We go to an ADHD clinic where he see a therapist, psychologist and MD so his meds combinations are based on meetings with all of them.
Finally came clean. Sort of.
Submitted by Julia on
He has admitted having "fallen off the wagon" and gone back to viewing porn. Says he has nothing more than that. He will not log into the email account he created for me to see because he is embarrassed. Says it's been deleted. He apologized for trying to pin it on me, says he was just embarassed to tell me the truth. I told him that I am glad he finally came clean but that I wish he would show me the account. How am I supposed to know that's all it is? Now, he has no money to do anything. After transferring part of his pay monthly to our joint account for household expenses, he has money left but I know that most of it goes to junk food, parking tickets and taxi fares (because he doesn't go to bed at night, he can't get going in the morning and when I need the car, he needs to take transit and cannot make it in time. So he takes a cab).
He has given me his phone until I feel comfortable leaving it with him. There are parental controls on the computer already that he has always been OK with.
He says he realizes he has a problem. He acknowledges that his treatment plan is not working. He just told me that he has been out of his regular meds for a few weeks now - has not taken the time to refill - and is using leftovers of his previous meds. Recipe for disaster.
I have been in contact with his therapist and she found him an appointment for today - although I looked into it a lot more and she is really a coach. He needs therapy. We talked about this and he is supposed to talk to her about more therapy - maybe a referral - and reviewing the meds. I am supposed to meet with her next week to discuss my view point.
He went to bed at 5:30 this morning and was sleeping in when I left. Another argument this morning. I feel like I am living with a teenager.
The first half of your post
Submitted by copingSAH on
The first half of your post sounded as if it could come from myself. Like me, you probably feel gas-lighted by your spouse most of the time, when every single statement or decision you make is questioned or negated by a different answer. None of it is ever in compliance, but more defiance. And all the struggles to modulate/moderate their impulses falls on deaf ears. Even if we know it is ADD related, this kind of treatment starts to chisel us down to a lump of nothing after a long time of devaluation.
Does he pay for his own bills that he accumulates? If there is something he is charging or racking up for his own interests (like the escort phone calls on his cell), you may have to separate your cell bills, so that he has to face his own blatant misuse of your income. In fact, anything he is mis-using in terms of finances, you should not be paying for any of it. I think at this point, his lying and entitlement is so blatant, you need to have a paper trail pointing to his shenanigans, until he (hopefully) wakes up and sees the mess he's in.
Your spouse's ADHD sounds pretty severe and I am sorry you are going through this on your own. I would have a private talk with the neurologist he went to and perhaps get some direction on how to get him back on the right meds or dosage. If he's not he is abusing the prescriptions. It seems he's caffeine-ating with the soda so that's added stimulant. Spouse needs to be accountable and responsible for understanding what works for themselves if they want.
Have you ever heard of a sub-set of ADD called Over Focused ADD? (Amen Clinic). It is ADD that over focuses or obsesses on a train of thought, mostly negative (blames you for his own life going downhill), or anything over the top that gives him the stimulation he needs (the escort)
Next time you find something on the computer, I'd not say anything until you print out proof... if he is self regulating with the highs of illicit phone/email texts/cyber sex), he will probably find another way to sneak around...
He pays for his own expenses
Submitted by Julia on
We agreed on joint expenses that flow through our joint account that we both contribute to with an agreed amount. I manage that.
Besides that, we pay for our own. We each have our own credit cards that we manage and pay (that's new to him and it's a struggle). We have our own cell phones for which the plan is paid for from the joint account but any excess is paid by ourselves.
I am alone. Nobody I can confide in or discuss. I will do some reading and I need to decide whether I get involved in his treatment or not.
You're not alone... we're
Submitted by copingSAH on
You're not alone... we're here.
There are more people reading than posting here, I'm sure. When we come on here, we're sharing and want to validate what we're feeling. We're also helping others validate their own concerns.
I dipped my feet in the water confiding to family -- try as they might, they cannot understand fully -- just questions, skepticism or perhaps even pointing the finger back at me. This forum has been great for me to re-learn how to approach the ADD marriage relationship. And re-process my role in it, and what I need to do for myself (even tho I come here mostly to vent). I hope this makes sense... no easy ways tho.
Keep us posted.