Submitted by CosmicJoke on 04/15/2016.
Now that we are separated, my husband has made a big deal out of having dinner with our son, a high school Senior, on Thursday nights--just the two of them for "boys night out". (Perhaps it goes without saying that Thursday was chosen because of its supreme convenience for my husband, although a Thursday school night is far from ideal for a kid struggling with his own Dyslexia/ADHD homework challenges.)
Husband has now blown off two of these Thursdays in a row. I'm not at home (teaching night class) while son waits at home to hear from dad, too worked up to feed himself or focus on homework--just seething in limbo.
Last Thursday's getting blown off was never acknowledged by husband.
This Thursday, husband called son to ask him to do him a favor, completely oblivious, at 11 pm, that he had never shown up for their dinner. Son was terse, hung up. This morning, son finds apologetic text from Dad, sent at 1 a.m., which son reads aloud in a pitch-perfect impression of my husband's all-too-familiar self-pitying groveling voice he has used countless times when he is "caught" and trying to get out of something.
Please internet community, what the ^&*% should I do?
I can't tell this boy that up is down and poop is really ice cream. I can't negate his very real/justified anger with his father. What's the value in teaching a child not to trust his own feelings and instincts, or to train himself not to feel hurt, not to assert his right to be seen and heard?
On the other hand, because this is my husband (the grand painful tornado of destruction in my own life), I cannot fall into the trap of projecting my own fury onto this situation. I cannot be the mom who badmouths dad in front of the son.
And this is the only father he will ever have...so no matter how painful...this is not a relationship to encourage an 18 year old boy to reject when he tells his mother he is "done" with dad...
And then there is the elephant in the room: This man cannot/will not change. Every/any bright shiny thing (students who worship him, strangers who find him fascinating) will always have more appeal than subjecting himself to the disapproval of his family, to entering into situations where my husband has to take responsibility for those he hurt and actively rebuild a relationship. I know this pain so well. It kills me to see my son experiencing it.
Nothing will change unless my son, at his tender age, takes responsibility both for expressing his pain and rage to his dad, and for creating a solution, some way that they can rebuild the relationship. My husband is incapable of that. Should I encourage my son to take on that burden? Is it doubly unfair to do so, given that whatever the kid does, it will probably have no effect on his father...?
Not sure if this even makes sense. Sincerely open to thoughts from anyone who has walked this path...
An 18 year old son cant do what a 35 year old can
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Cosmic, I have a good friend who went through something very like this. She had a son who the father came and went on, mostly jilted, too. They were divorced. She was sole support for a long while. The dad was very fickle to the son, very uneven, beckoning and then letting drop. My friend talked about it for years. It lay on her heart very heavily. Like its laying on yours. She decided never to criticize her divorced husband to her son but to help her son sort through his uncertainties and pain about his Dad. That was hard on her. She often vented to me things like you wrote. How can a grown man do things like that to his own son. I dont know if her decision was right never to badmouth the father. It seems to be. It's what she decided, and she stuck to it. She stuck to it through the boys childhood and teens. it meant that she couldnt unload to her son what sh felt and knew about her former husband. If it gives you any hope, finally there came a time, in the boy's late twenties, when the boy was solid enough in himself and mature enough that they could talk like two adults. Bu even then she waitd until he asked for that kind of conversation. The day did come.
Nothing will change unless my son, at his tender age, takes responsibility both for expressing his pain and rage to his dad, and for creating a solution, some way that they can rebuild the relationship. My husband is incapable of that.
Yes, manifesting his pain. you can help him with that. He'll need your help. He needs a witness of what his father put hm through. But why should a 18 year old be the one to create a solution for a problem that his much older father created? That's a lot to expect of a boy, and at 18 he is still part boy. How about helping him with his own boundaries, instead? Something like, Dad, I want to have Thursday dinner with you, if I dont hear from you by this time, I'm going to do something else. And then help your son make it stick, no fanfare, just make it stick. Quietly helping the son stick to a boundary he determines might lead to the father treating the son with more respect. And adjusting his own behavior so that he gets to see his son. If that's what the dad wants, really
That's the perfect way to phrase it
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
Thank you so much. I'm so close to all this, and a fresh perspective really helps. That is the perfect way for him to set some boundaries with his Dad. Bless you.
I agree with NowOrNever
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Mynhusband expects our grown daughters to repair the damage between them. He still doesnt know how MUCH the adhd affects all of us, and he wont accept responsibility yet for damage to the girls. He says, "They should come to me, out of respect",( regardless of all the terribly hurtful things hes said and done to them). He says, "I never beat them or anything like that". Why compare yourself to the WORSE peoples behavior as your guide rather than trying to compare yourself to the better behavior as your example of how to be? Is what I think of.
I believe it is my husbands responsibility to learn about himself, begin some changes in himself and THEN maybe think about whether or not our daughters are "treating him right first or not". The thing is, the girls have always treated him with respect, but he hasnt done the same. Its so messed up.
That periscope up, scanning,
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
That periscope up, scanning, scanning, looking for the tiniest detail that looks to the person in the submarine that people around are disrespecting or harming him/ her, while not noticing that he/she just rammed people around with the sub.
It gets old.
It helps to not feel so alone in this
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
Thank you for your observation. I wish you weren't going through this, but recognizing the truth of what you write is comforting.
Your husband will have to live w/regret, or blame one!
Submitted by c ur self on
I think I would (Try) point out to your Son the big picture of life. If you can help your young man to see his Father's irresponsibility as just that...If you can help him to separate their love, and Father Son relationship from the fact his Father's mind and priority list will and has caused you and him to not be able to count on what he say's at times...Help him to see his Father's intentions toward him are pure in his mind, but not realistic to count on...On any kind of emotional level...like the past two supper dates....
I was younger than your Son, but, when my brother and I would get our hopes up when our Dad (parents divorced when I was 5) told us he was coming to visit, and something lead him astray from keeping his promise...We were devastated in spirit....In hind site I remember how it would crush my mom to see us, and how it caused her just more resentment toward my Dad...
Your husband no doubt will be the looser here....When all he gets back from his apologizes is something like.... "No problem Dad....You've proven to me that I can't put faith in anything you say until I see it happen"...
Blessings
C
Sad, but not much can be done about it, right?
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
More truth. Thank you.
After 20 years of being responsible for so much...this relationship between father and sons is , by its very nature, out of my control to fix.
The wisdom I hear from everyone is to give the guys space to vent...and to help them set boundaries...and accept what is...
Yes, reality calls for boundaries to protect ourselves at times.
Submitted by c ur self on
It's so hard for kids to view their parents as fallible....My Dad was never around, but, I remember thinking he was super man....My Mom only dated two or three men over a 12 or 13 year period...She finally remarried when I was 18....She asked us once when we I was probably 12, If we wanted another Dad....We told her quickly we had a Dad....As for as I know she never considered it again until we were on our own.
Wow--that is a tough one.
Submitted by dvance on
Wow--that is a tough one. You have my sympathies. I am reading what others wrote with great interest. My husband and I have a platonic roommate marriage for now until we can figure out how to divorce with the least amount of damage done. Four years ago DH was suicidal and hospitalized for a week then moved out for 6 months. To this day I don't know where he lived. There have been three other women involved during that time. How far it went with each of them I am not entirely sure. The 17 year old son does not know about the other women but BOY have I wanted to tell him when he starts telling me to lay off Daddy, Daddy is his hero, Daddy is doing the best he can, why aren't you nicer to Daddy. Seriously?? How about the secret bank account that had upwards of $5000 in it the year he was unemployed and I could barely pay the bills. No idea where that money came from or where it went--I only discovered it when I opened an envelop by accident. When I confronted DH he told me flat out it was none of my business and he was not going to tell me where that money came from. Okay then. I can't pay our bills but you have $5000 stashed away?? From what??? How did you even save that much??? But by all means--don't tell me, keep that money for yourself. And this is the man DS wrote a paper on as his hero. For the past, oh, 6 months, DH has been the model husband and father. My biggest concern is what will happen when that stops. And it will stop. DS is going to learn the hard way the DH has no stamina for the tough stuff. He wants the glory but not he guts. When DS finally realizes that, it's going to really hurt him, but at the same time will make him see his dad realistically. It might not happen for years, but it will happen.