Well my subject pretty much says it all. . . .. I'm the ADHD one and have been married almost 18 years, most of it in a roller coaster marriage. There’s lots of backstory that can probably be said later on, but the short version is that I’ve been told that I’ve sucked the life so much out of our relationship that she no longer loves me. This came after the best 2 months in our marriage, so it really hurts a lot.
I realize that I, as the ADHDer, come with my own host of “issues”, but my non-ADHD spouse is no saint, either. Again, I realize that I am human and make a whole lot of mistakes and bad choices, but dammit, at least treat me at a bare minimum with some shred of human dignity. It doesn’t help things when I get told that I am worthless, just a paycheck, that I nor any ADHDer should ever get married because we never make fit company, that I am the SOLE reason the marriage is failing, calling me every swear word in the book, yelling at me in front of the kids, pretty much emasculating me, telling me that I’m a crybaby for telling her this, that I pretty much deserve what she dishes out because my stuff warrants it, and after all of this, I’ve been told that I’M the one who emotionally abuses her, etc. Again, I realize that there are consequences to my mistakes and bad choices, but those consequences should not be to pretty much dehumanize me. . . . .Look, I’m not laying this all out to garner any sympathy, to may me feel better about myself, or get reassurances. . . . reading many of these blogs, I can see that many of you non-ADHD spouses are at the end of your ropes, have had to put up with more than your share of schtuff, that we can be jerks frequently, and some of your ADHD spouses are even people that I would toss off a pier, BUT, whatever us ADHDers may show on the outside, many of us are still human on the inside.
OK, now that I’ve got that ADHD rant out of my system and probably have driven many of you away by this point, how do I deal with my initial issue I mentioned above? Divorce is pretty much not an option for various reasons, a large one being the financial aspect, and the kids an even larger part. Years ago we went to marriage counseling and it worked for a time, but only after a lot of it. I’ve been to at least a dozen therapists / coaches over the past 15 years. She has gone to therapy several times, but there’s NO way I can “suggest” it to her now, since she’s pretty much said that ALL of the issues are ME that I don’t follow through with, and that SHE is the sane adult in the relationship who’s had enough of putting up with me.
I love her, or whatever I still feel for her is love. I hate dealing with this, and I cannot deal with approaching her when she is in her silent treatment, curt, sarcastic, resentful brooding moods. She doesn’t really trust me any more to work on my issues or that there’s any hope in my changing, and any change that I make is short lasting.
I know many of you may ask if this is worth it, and that I should just cut bait and hope for the best . . . but I really don’t (or can’t) see that as an option. I would like to think that this is not what God had in plan for me or our marriage, and I don’t believe He would want me to leave. . . . what I don’t know is what He would want me to do. . . .
Some similarities...
Submitted by Moondust on
I am the non-ADHD spouse. I remember being at a point where I was seriously questioning if I could hang on any more and if I loved my husband or could get back to loving him again. It is a terrible situation to be in. Currently, things are much better. I am in love with my husband and the thought of divorce isn't anywhere in my mind. Things aren't perfect, but what a difference to where we once were. It takes a LOT of work.
We recently finished the in-depth course Melissa Orlov offers, and I highly recommend it. There is another one starting soon, just look at the home page. We took it wanting to continue to improve our relationship, but it will help you at any stage, even where you are.
A big thing that I learned is you have to work on yourself and not wait for the other spouse to start working on themselves. This was a point of frustration for me, because I was sick of putting forth the effort and not seeing my husband put in any effort. However, I sucked it up, kept working on myself, and all of a sudden I started noticing how H was working on himself, too. I don't know if I inspired him by doing my own work or if he had been putting forth effort that I was unwilling/unable to notice previously. All I know is that once I saw effort on his part, my stress started melting away.
It is impossible to guess what your wife wants/expects you to do. So instead of trying to figure out what you can do for her, start working on yourself. Yes, if she always complains about symptom X, then maybe that's where you should start. But don't care about whether she notices or not, because she probably won't at first. Actually don't expect her to ever notice, because if you do expect her to notice, you'll just get frustrated and want to quit trying. Just keep working on you. You will start to feel better about yourself overall when you do this, too, and that will trickle over into every aspect of your life. You will probably start to feel happier and less stressed.
There are many things I don't like about myself, including my temper. This is something I've been working on for literally decades. Through counseling, reading, learning alternative coping mechanisms, etc, I've learned to keep my temper in check for the most part and learned that it's best to walk away to cool off when I feel myself starting to boil. I absolutely still have slip ups, but I know I'm a better person today than I was even 5 years ago due to the work I put into myself. If you ask my husband, I'm sure he'd be quick to tell you of my slip ups, but he probably would also admit they are fewer and farther between than they used to be.
There is absolutely no excuse or reason for your wife to call you names, ridicule you, etc. I assume she is at the end of her rope and does not know how to deal with her anger and resentment. The in-depth course discussed a lot about anger on both sides and I really think it would help your situation. It does cost money, but when you do the math, I think it's something like $35/session, which is far less than what we've paid in the past for marriage counseling! For us it was 100% worth it and that's why I recommend it.
Hopefully something I said helped in some way. It is not a fun situation that you are in, so I really hope things improve for you. I wish you the best of luck.
Thank you
Submitted by ADHD_Highway_to... on
Agree with Moondust
Submitted by Delphine on
As she said, the best course of action is just to work on you. You might check out my earlier post about cultivating our own garden.
I keep bringing up prayer on this board. Prayer is not, as is usually assumed, about begging a distant God for something, but about changing our consciousness--transcending our current state of being. We change our experience, and our world, by changing ourselves, and that means changing our consciousness. As Einstein said: "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them."
As long as your wife remains focused on the problems she sees in your relationship, she will keep recreating them. And the same applies to you. Don't wait for her to change. Start with working on yourself. Then, whether or not you remain married, things will work out for you.
Delphine
Thank you again
Submitted by ADHD_Highway_to... on
Thank you again. . . however, what do I do when I am working on my stuff & I still get negative responses from her? I try and be nice, but she interprets it as me "buying" my way back in, so even when I try and do good, it feels like it is not enough. I know I need to do these things anyway, for me, and the betterment of myself, but it doesn't help when I feel like I'm still walking through a minefield. . . . .as the non_ADHD spouse who's probably been burnt countless times, what would you say to the ADHD one who wants to make it right? What can we do to "fix" the situation? What can WE do to make the relationship better? What strategies would you recommend? When you are white hot angry at us, what do you wish we would do (cease to exist is not the answer I'm looking for, though)? Since my DW is in no position to really want anything to do with me, I guess I want to hear from someone who seems to have their head on straight, has made it through to the other side with their spouse, and seems to have a good frame of mind, and I would guess be as impartial as anyone I could find. . . . thank you in advance. . . .
Ho'oponopono
Submitted by Delphine on
I practice Ho'oponopono, myself. The word is Hawaiian for "making right." This is a good article, the comments are helpful also: http://www.laughteronlineuniversity.com/practice-hooponopono-four-simple...
More Ho'oponopono "cleaning tools":
http://dailydivineblessings.blogspot.com/2009/10/wonderful-cleaning-tool...
All of this is mostly stuff you do or think on your own, not with the specific intent of affecting another person, however, you will be affecting her just by your vibe, if you persist with the practice. Of course, you ought to act on any inspirations that come, regarding what to "do" with or for your wife. If you are guided to bring her flowers, for example--do it! Which reminds me...my son's father (my ex) was ADHD and I can't recall his ever bringing me flowers. I guess he must have at some point...but I don't remember it. My son who has ADHD, does bring me flowers on occasion. Anyway...I think it goes w/o saying this is something that women generally appreciate!
There's a ton more info on Ho'oponopono online, including on youtube, if you care to Google.
Yes...Ho'oponopono works :)
edit: Another thing you could do that would be about changing the energy between you. Write a letter to her Divine aspect, God-self or whatever you want to call it, expressing all your feelings and your wish to be back in her good graces. This article goes into that: http://www.lifefocuscenter.com/boostyourselfesteem355.htm
Delphine
White Hot Ange
Submitted by NonADHD on
Hi,
I too have an ADHD wife who is "white hot" explosive angry. Last week, after weeks of silence/distance, we finally had an adult conversation and discussed a lot of things, she was what seemed to be open, and I was ver optimistic. However, just 3 days later she had a terrible tantrum over something so minor, but she was escalating inside. So I've been burnt several times in 2 years of our marriage and I don't know. We discussed how to make this right but after the last tantrum, I'm at my mother in laws and she has called me one time, no text, no message no nothing. I thought we talked it out. I know she has been under a lot of stress.
What to do next...
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
There are some absolutes about being a good partner. Take a look at what your partner is complaining about and measure these things objectively, rather than subjectively. For example, respect and enough attention so that your partner understands you love them are two MUSTS in a relationship. So, how do you measure those things? How about something like this: Only one disrespectful tone of voice, insinuation or comment in a week? That would still be a lot of disrespect overall, but it's a good place to start. Can you say this is how you behave towards your partner? (That includes angry ventiing, etc.) If not, then that's a good place to start. And I don't mean by DISENGAGING. That's not what marriage is about. I mean engaging, AND being respectful. Then there is 'enough attention.' How to measure that? How about at least one time a day telling or showing your partner in an overt way that you love him or her? Again - measurable and a reasonable goal.
What I think non-ADHD partners are looking for when they are white hot angry as you put it is BEING HEARD. Your partner is angry at something. What s/he wants from you is 1.) acknoledgement, 2.) a plan to make it better and 3.) implementation of that plan.
I appreciate the person above writing about how much my course helped. Perhaps you and your partner would consider taking it? You'll get lots of ideas about what else might help...
What Changed ?
Submitted by NonADHD on
The people who write in this forum are so supportive and say the same ting when you're going through issues of frustration due to unresponsive and distant behavior. I'm the non-ADHD spouse. So can you tell me how your husband began to see you working on yourself. I'm beginning to think my wife (ADHD) is blind as well.
Moondust - yours was the post
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Moondust - yours was the post that I have been looking for. I see SO FEW successful situations. I was wondering if you had any updates on where things where at with you? I tried to get my H to do Melissa's course, but he refused. That was a few months ago when I still had hopes.
I also want to say - For sure you are right about taking care of yourself. I am working on my own issues, because in the long run - I have to live with me and I am the ONLY one responsible for me. So, getting rid of the extra weight I have put on from all this crazy stress, working on resetting my mind - I know I am not a terrible person, and I KNOW that I am worth a reply (I get ignored alot). My H is not as bad as many with some of the issues, but the lies, the constant threat of leaving, and the being ignored is hard enough. The lies make me think there is alot more going on just beyond my vision - and I cannot function or plan or invest in that kind of insecurity.
I wish my story was playing out like your post... I hope that things are still going well, and that you become one of those people who make it to the top of the mountain.
Decide the outcome you want, then do everything you can
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
ADHD_Highway_to... ,
I am the non-ADHD wife of a man who is ADHD, and was formally diagnosed by The Cleveland Clinic about 5 years ago. I am 56, my spouse is 58 and we were married in 1984. Our relationship is very strained, and not working.
1. "...but my non-ADHD spouse is no saint, either."
Attempting to justify/compare the degree of issues between you and your spouse will not get you the outcome you desire..
2. "I realize that I am human and make a whole lot of mistakes and bad choices" "I realize that there are consequences to my mistakes and bad choices"
Work on these. These are things in your control. Learn what you need to do to remove bad choices and replace them with behaviors that will not have consequences.
3. "I get told that......
Have an outside person - who is impartial - determine if these are things your spouse actually says - verbatim - or if they how you interpret her words and actions.
4. "..treat me at a bare minimum with some shred of human dignity."
Decide exactly what this looks like, and specify what you want.
5. " ...whatever us ADHDers may show on the outside, many of us are still human on the inside."
Everyone is human on the inside. The outside of a person is who we relate to on a daily basis. Hugging a prickly porcupine is not a pleasant experience.
6. "How do I deal with my initial issue I mentioned above? "
What I have discovered for myself: I am a Fine Lady and a Child of the King. My spouse is a Fine Fellow and a Child of the King. Our relationship is what is floundering. I do not want to place blame. I know things that are no longer working for me. I know how I want to be treated- and not treated.
7. "Divorce is pretty much not an option."
Divorce is always an option. If you and your spouse cannot figure out the financial part, our legal system will to that for you. That will not be pleasant.
8. :...the kids an even larger part"
What I have come to believe is children would rather be from a broken home than live in a broken home. They love their Mom and they love their Dad.
9. "Years ago we went to marriage counseling and it worked for a time"
My spouse and I did a relationship exercise that took a few months to complete. From my side, it was really wonderful.. The changes were something that felt very positive to me. The affect lasted almost a whole year. Then slowly, all the steps made were slowly eroded, and it felt worse than before we did it. . . .because I got a real experience of how good things could be.
10. "She doesn’t really trust me any more to work on my issues or that there’s any hope in my changing, and any change that I make is short lasting."
11. "....what I don’t know is what He would want me to do. . . ."
This can only be answered by you, through careful time of prayer, sifting the answers through the Scriptures, and then having peace in the stps that God is directing you to follow.
Very truly,
Liz
There's no reason for your
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
There's no reason for your wife to call you names, but what EXACTLY are her issues? What EXACTLY are you doing (or not doing) that makes her feel that she's the only sane adult in the household?
Can you tell us how your ADHD manifests itself? Do you have an unstable work history? underemployed?
Unreliable with family responsibilities? chronically very late? anger issues? short-tempered? impulsive? immature? irresponsible? unreliable? poor foresight? bad with money and financial decisions? poor planning skills?
Are you a leader or are you like an extra child who happens to be full grown and hard to manage?
Using words like, "suck the life out" of the marriage, reminds me of my situation, but I don't know if your behavior sinks as low as my H's. It's hard to feel like the "adoring wife," when the husband isn't husband-like. Instead, he's like a big impulsive, immature, irresponsible kid.....and that's as unsexy as it gets.
Here's some of me . . .
Submitted by ADHD_Highway_to... on
Can you tell us how your ADHD manifests itself? Do you have an unstable work history? underemployed? Not really recently. I've been at teh same job for about 8 years and have had stable employment for the past 13. . . before that I had been let go from my job of 4 years (luckily I had already had one lined up), and before that, I had gotten in trouble for ADHD issues twice before in 6 years. But again, for the past 13 I've been "good."
Unreliable with family responsibilities? chronically very late? anger issues? short-tempered? impulsive? immature? irresponsible? unreliable? poor foresight? bad with money and financial decisions? poor planning skills? Yes to all but the anger issues part. I do have time management issues, but have gotten better at it. I guess I can have a short fuse or tolerance, but not in a violent anger management way. I DO have trouble with my "filter" - you know that part that needs to take a pause before opening your mouth (and putting your foot into it).
Are you a leader or are you like an extra child who happens to be full grown and hard to manage? It depends - I guess yes and yes. . . . . unfortuantely more the latter. I do take care of a number of responsibilities around the house - I usually am the one who cooks dinner, shops for food, some cleaning when needed, yard work, "manly" chores like repairs. However, the negative part is that sometimes I'm erratic about it, procrastinate, etc. SOmetimes I DO need a lot of direction or instruction with priorities, getting a game plan together, etc. When I do have a plan, I am OK. The parent / child role does happen, but sometimes it is the vicious circle - I act childlike, I get scolded, I retreat or put my defenses up which angers her more, etc.
What I don't really like is the attitude that I am the sole one responsible for the state of the relationship. I do know that I play a part, but so does she. . . . I'm not loafing around the house ordering her around, drinking our savings away, losing jobs left and right, etc. . . . . I do realize that my communication sucks, though, which has gotten me into a lot of trouble. . . . .