My husband told me a long time ago that he is on the spectrum for ADHD, but never has done anything about it.
I have over the past year been doing my own journey of healing, of handling my anger, frustration and learning how to live in peace through therapy, and have now just realized that the issues in my marriage are from my husbands ADHD. Through my therapy I have learned how to be happy again, and take care of myself. I have learned how to enjoy my life again, and know that I'm the only one that can control my happiness. I just don't know how to control my frustration and emotions with dealing with my husbands ADHD.
I have asked that he go to therapy for himself, but he refuses. Again he has told me he has ADHD. He is a therapist and works with kids that have ADHD, so I'm not sure why he doesn't want help with it.
Well just looking to learn more on what I can do to make my life more peaceful with the situation.
Any suggestions would greatly be appreciated. Thank you for reading this. :)
Hi Kosty
Submitted by c ur self on
Frustration and emotions??....As a man who desires a peaceful life, free from the constant frustration's that I use to experience, because of my marriage relationship, I've ask my self these same questions many times...I will share with you what helps and works for me...
First I love what you said about owning your issues (responsible for our own happiness)...That and boundaries have been the key for me to find a good head space no matter what is going on with her....Coming to realize just how different life is in each of our head's (and at times our hearts) is key also...I realized that I was stuck in this illusion of thinking our relationship (communications, an ability to mutually share in all things, & though processes) would, or could, be normal and pressing for it...So my frustrations were basically built of my refusal to ***accept*** the huge difference's, abilities and inabilities our two minds, and how those minds think and produce, in day to day life....Life Style/priorities...
Many people I share this with get a little offended...And I understand that...Because we want two working people for the work of two people :)....When you tell someone that their life partner doesn't like the mundane, can't deal with time management enough to stay employed, or be trusted with children and time schedules those are deal breakers for many....I understand that....
I love my wife, but, she is who she is...I do not trust her in many area's of life...(She shows me I cannot)...I do not participate in spontaneous or even planned events where she will hyper focus on every thing, person, or place that has nothing to with marriage responsibilities!...(She has shown me that she isn't able to be an engaging wife when she is hyper focused on other things, so I've learned to not subject myself to that misery) We don't share finance's...I would be a nut case if I dealt with someone who loses or misplaces her credit card so often...I've bought her beautiful wallets, and purses...She packs them over stuff's them, and still just sticks the cc in her pockets...Or in car, or where ever....It's just who she is, she will die someday just very unorganized, and very messy....I refuse to allow myself to not accept that reality and allow frustrtation's in my own life, because I don't want to accept the real her....
ADD people have feelings just the rest of us...And all I did for years was beat her down, and make her feel worthless, when all along I thought I was trying to help her be better....My job is to love her, and that may mean walking away from outbursts, or telling her No, to many things she pushes for us to do, or places to go...I keep my life small, so I can handle things....I know I can't depend on her to not be self absorbed, hyper focused...She is like a child in many way's...She doesn't feel the convictions I feel to be organized, timely, and responsible...I'm not going to own the product of her reality or the consequence's....I will call her phone, I will help her hunt her shoes, keys, cc or purse....But, I'm not feeling any negative emotions because of it...It's just who she is...
Be the fly on the wall, believe what he shows you in day to day living, set boundaries on yourself in area's that protect you from chaotic and painful circumstance's...It's OK to say NO...This road your own to be happy and lose your frustrations will continue to improve, when you don't trust what you can't, and you Accept his reality, and all the difference's y'all will experience going forward....
Try to protect your peace, and love for each other.. Verbal Communication attempts where we feel the need to explain how things should be to a mind who can't comprehend it, nor do they think that way, is a good way to experience frustrations....Quietness, smiles, hugs, walking way, keeping things simple, acceptance....These things are all that is possible with many mind mixes....
Blessings
c
C - your reply was so
Submitted by FColeman on
C - your reply was so depressing to me! I admire your sticking power but I don't understand why you would want to be in a reality with someone who in your own words is "like a child".
setting boundaries is vital but also expecting the adhd partner to make an effort to manage their symptoms is also required - their brain function can be improved but they need to decide to work on it.
(edited)
kosty, I feel your pain. It doesn't matter how much you love them if they're not able to take responsibility for the effect their symptoms have on you, your relationship and others around you then you're in a really difficult situation.
My Reply C
Submitted by kosty on
I'm sorry that you feel that my reply was depressing, not sure why, and no need to explain. I don't owe anyone an explanation on why I choose to stay with my husband. I choose to learn about his disability and try to help myself so I don't get so frustrated with him. As I'm learning why he does what he does it is enlightening, as I understand and can have a little more compassion for him. Divorce isn't always an option. My life, my happiness is what I make of it and that is why I'm trying to learn to deal with his ADD, even if he doesn't want to. Remember I'm learning that I'm meant to live in peace.
I hope you find your peace.
C
Submitted by kosty on
C: I can't thank you enough for sharing your story how how you handle things. Several things you wrote helped me tremendously, like I need to accept that he is different and that my marriage is not going to be the normal marriage. I love him, and through learning about ADD, will hopeful be able to make our marriage a peaceful one, as that is all I really want. Again thank you so much for sharing, and if you just need someone to talk to, to vent to I'm hear.