Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on 05/05/2014.
This drives me nuts! He is the cook in the house so I leave him be in the kitchen to make dinner and I am the clean up crew. I walk in the kitchen after he's cooked and the silverware drawer is open along with the cabinet where he got the dishes out. In the bedroom when he takes a pair of socks out of the drawer he doesn't close it. What is it in their brain that makes it so hard to close a drawer after you open it?
Same here!
Submitted by Second Chances on
Mapper, I don't know, but it has been discussed in these forums before. Many non-ADHD partners notice this and I am one of them. It bugs me but if this was the ONLY "thing" that my BF did (due to ADHD most likely), I would be tap dancing on the ceiling (haha.) It does bother me though because we have large dogs who can - and will - help themselves to anything they can reach and/or get their mouths on. Plus they are tall so they could easily run under one of his left-open kitchen drawers and scrape their backs, maybe even cutting themselves. It is a hazard at times!
Same goes for getting a food or drink item out of the fridge, getting what he needs, then he walks away. Back to his (home) office or to the couch, whatever. Leaving the food/drink container sitting out on the counter. Or nasty, used kleenex and paper towels... which the dogs find to be particularly delightful, if they find them before I do! Why why why leave them on the counter, when the trash is literally two feet away?
A mystery indeed.
My husband does this too. And
Submitted by MFrances on
My husband does this too. And it drives me crazy too. But I finally just accept it as my problem and just close them.
same here!
Submitted by c ur self on
same here :-) messssy...I call that living in half circles...My wife's drawers are so stuffed with old stuff, she can't throw out, that most of the things that fit are in a pile on her side of the bed...Evidently her add brain does not process like a brain that doesn't have add...My wife does the exact same as your husband...If she gets stuff out for a sandwich, I have to go behind her and put the stuff in the frig...drawers and cabinets, leaves the front door standing open, w/ the a/c working away...I find stuff 1/2 done all the time...her bedside table and the floor around her side of the bed is unbelievable...She is constantly looking for stuff :) I wish I had a nickel for every time she has asked me have i saw her ear earring or cell phone etc...I usually find the earrings in the bed or on the carpet some where :) it's really amazing how much stuff we recover...a few days ago I found this ring under the couch cushion that she loves to wear...and I dropped in the bottom of her purse right under her wallet that is 4 inches thick that she hides from others :)...she had the ring on the next day :) when i pointed at it, she said oh i found it :) I never did tell her I planted it for her to find :)
Oh the front door and a/c
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Oh the front door and a/c thing! Another rant of mine! However with us it's the furnace cranked up to 75 because he says he's so cold, but then goes and opens the sliding glass door in the back and front door for the cats to go in and out of and leaves those open for 1/2 hour while the furnace is cranking away and working harder to make up for it being cold.
The annoyances get greatly inflated
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Mapper,
What I have discovered is that all the little annoyances, that almost everyone lives with, tend to grow into huge monsters in homes with ADHD because there are SO many of them, and they do not seem to improve.
A little trick I have come up with - to keep me sane :) - is to mentally review any given situation. If I find that scenario is played out in either the funny pages, or on TV sitcoms like the old Dick Van Dyke Show or Home Improvement or Everybody Loves Raymond - then I realize I need to laugh it off.
I have been accused of having too many rules. I just always thought it was common courtesy: 1. Take your muddy shoes off before you come into the house. 2. If you empty the carton of ice cream, throw it away, and after you finish your dessert, put your bowl and spoon and ice cream scoop into the sink. 3. Hang up your coat in the mudroom, not on the backs of the chairs. 4. Do not leave wet bath towels in a wad on the carpeted floor of your bedroom. 5. Put your dirty clothes down the laundry chute. 6. Put the scissors back where you found them. 6. If you use the last of something - paper towels, ketchup, coffee, peanut butter - write it on the shopping list. 7. After you wash your vehicle, put the supplies back where you found them, do not leave them in the driveway. 8. If you use the kitchen table or kitchen counter to work on a project, clean up after you are finished. I do not mind when things take several days to complete - as long as I see progress. I go crazy when a project starts, and then stays for weeks on end, not getting completed and gather dust. Not to mention making the house look cluttered.
I do try to be objective, and it is hard. I am neat and organized. You know, A Place For Everything and Everything in Its Place.
Yep, quite a trick for a Messy Person and A-Little-Bit-OCD Person to co-exist.
To me , it all boils down to common respect.
And ANOTHER thing that
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
And ANOTHER thing that irritates me is that random pieces of paper, like a torn off corner of a piece of paper with a number on it, will sit on the coffee table or kitchen table for 2 weeks and never be moved. After so long I just toss it into the garbage assuming it isn't important. It never fails, though, as soon as I do that the next day he'll go "Where's that piece of paper that was sitting here? I need it as it's a code to get into such and such". I play dumb and go "I don't know what you are talking about".
ah yes, the little papers
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Mapper, This happens to me too. OMG. There's SO MANY OF THEM. When we were first married my ADHD husband would put dozens of little pieces of paper with phone numbers, names, etc on any flat surface in our apartment. Our kitchen table was covered, as was the dining room table, the bedroom endtables, dressers and any place else that would hold a scrap of paper. I couldn't take it any more, and asked him WHY he had to do this. He said, "I NEED these and I have to have them like this so that I can see them all at once.". WHAT KIND OF SENSE DOES THAT MAKE? First of all, you can only see one thing at a time, second, it made a huge mess in our apartment and no one else could use the tables. It was crazy. I won't let him do this any more, but there are STILL places where his "scraps of paper with numbers " are still all over. (same with the mail).
OMG! You too??? He collects
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
OMG! You too??? He collects so many business cards being a DJ and never calls these people and then the endless journals and notebooks with a few pages written in EACH of them and not in order either, sometimes he writes stuff in the middle pages only. He hoards paper and just about anything. He always leaves the closet door open with the light on too.
It is how it works
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
NGLM,
I have been looking at my spouse with a different set of eyes in the recent months. This sorta stuff gives me insight into exactly what is going on in his thinking - how his brain organizes stuff.
The tough part for me has been the boundary between his way of doing things and our lives together. My spouse's walls of structure have been built up over 50+ years when he didn't know he was ADHD. Now that he does understand, it is one of the many parameters of dealing with life issues. Is this ADHD? Is this just a Guy Think? Is this a poor decision to agree to something that was not what he really wanted in the first place? Is it just a bad day for him? Those are HIS things. How it affects me are COUPLE things. As much as I need to have understanding for how his brain works, he also needs to have understanding on how 'feeling' forgotten affects me. Yep, I know he didn't 'forget out of spite.' I was, however, looking forward to spending time together. And not having that plan fulfilled is a disappointment.
No, it does not mean it is AOK for him to treat me poorly when he forgets something. Yes, I understand he forgot. Yes, I no longer sit in anger when he does not show up - I have my back up plan. But yes indeed - Liz's boundary needs an acknowledgement from his side for an agreement that he was not able to uphold - does not matter one whit it he really didn't want to do it in the first place, or he got wrapped up in a job and time got away from him.
There is not a need for a full-fledged 'restitution;' however, a simple "Oops", or "Dad-Gum I lost track of time again" still tells me that I am valuable and my feelings count.
Liz
I know he. He just called me
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
I know it! He just called me minutes ago to tell me that although he forgot to take our (putrified) garbage to the curb, the trash guy did pick up HIS bulk trash. I keep telling him to do it the night before. Then he tells me that he got $85 back on our new fridge for getting a holiday price adjustment and I commended him but I guess he wanted back flips and a cookie so he starts cheering and giving himself accolades and when he heard nothing but silence on the other line he stopped and said he did that since I wasn't. O...k...see, it's a "sorry I forgot something that you wanted me to do" but I did this other thing that benefits him. Whatever dude. I will take the trash out the night before myself so it's done right. No problems, no complaints. I will just do it as if I were single. :)
Believe me, I get it!
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
NGLM,
I am continually separating myself from all the cheerleading I did for many years. Thus, came part of my ID here of "I'm So Exhausted." I simply canot be the only source of encouragement he receives. He needs to look inside and figure out what makes him tick. And tock!!!!
It is indeed precarious in finding the balance between giving him what he needs in the way of acknowledgement, and getting what I need from him. I need to remind myself - often, often, often - that how I choose to be seen by others is not gonna be dictated by how I feel treated.
The small consolation I have discovered in looking at "LIZ" over the past several months has been this - I have received feedback - from my direct question - that while I do express frustration, and it gets to be overwhelming for some to hear over and over and over, I have not been seen as a wife who bashes her spouse. Nor have I given the indication that I have any disrespect for him - at all.
My frustration at not finding solutions has made some people feel that I am negative. All those are good indicators to me of how I need to adjust and change who I am.
I also temper that with the fact that people who have not lived for 20+ years with an undiagnosed person with ADHD - have no clue, and NO room to judge.
I hate watching my spouse struggle. I hate being in the cross hairs when he spins out of control. I LOVE my spouse. I LOVE myself and my well being, too !
Liz
Beautifully stated and I
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Beautifully stated and I agree with you. Someone posted on one of these threads that they will try to accommodate their husband as much as they can without losing themselves or having their children disrespected or losing their self-respect. Nobody really knows what we go through unless they walk in our shoes and if venting is the only way to keep our sanity then good friends will listen and understand that there are not many solutions unless the affected person can follow through. All we can do is be good people and try to be a good spouse with not that much to work with.
My difficulty
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
NGLM,
"...try to accommodate their husband as much as they can without losing themselves or having their children disrespected or losing their self-respect" That sentence describes another area of concern I had: trying to keep the tail from wagging the dog. While our children were growing up, I was not able to find that line of distinction to bring peace to our home.
Rather than being able to just simple state my opinion, I spent a lot of time trying to get my spouse to understand and acknowledge. That did not work. We had a difference of opinion on how our children shared their ideas and opinions with us. It was very difficult for me to be supportive of my spouse's place as father, and yet not stand by and just accept intolerance towards our children's feelings.
To this day, it is very difficult to get through conflict. As I see it, there is not a right and wrong - just two people who do not agree and need to learn to get along with each other so both can be content.
I see my spouse struggle with dealing with the mind set of 'If Liz is getting her way on something, it means I am WRONG. And I am not wrong.'
I do not see everything as right or wrong, black or white. Made how I viewed my spouse dealing with our children look very harsh. I had been accused of making him look wrong in their eyes, or not standing behind him. He was very kind and loving, and not belittling, and he NEVER raised a hand to them - never - - yet he wanted his opinions and views to be our opinions and views. Blind obedience.
Many times, I made the mistake of trying to talk it through with him. It did not work. Now I state my opinion, and if he starts to get angry, I walk away. Even with him shouting at me "Go ahead. Just walk away. That is what you always do. . . . . . ." and on and on and on, until he spins into a furry of anger.
I am entitled to my opinion, delivered in firm yet kind words.
Liz
Go ahead walk away it's what
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Go ahead walk away it's what you always do… I've heard those words more than once. I'm walking when I really want to run. Now it's just simpler to say less instead of expend any energy. Most of the things my husband promises or wants, like a house or perhaps starting a huge project, I just agree with or not of my head but we all know the end result.
Hey Liz
Submitted by kellyj on
When I read what you just wrote and got to the part about black and white, wrong or right thinking on the part of your husband the sirens started going off in my ears. This is a major problem I have with my wife and I have been doing a lot of research on this phenomenon in order to help me understand her. I am not like this and share your opinion about this topic. For what it's worth, from what I've read recently....you are the healthy one in your way of seeing things and it's definitely not WRONG to NOT to see things as either black, white, good, bad. I took this snippet from an article on this topic:
“Black” or “white”, “right” or “wrong”, “good” or “bad”, “smart” or “stupid”, “strong” or “weak”. Do you live your life in black and white terms? Is your mood in constant fluctuation, going from great to depressed in under one minute? Many people suffer from this black-and-white thinking pattern, which is greatly influenced by their childhood and earlier experiences. The all or nothing type of thinking can seriously damage your sense of self, well-being, happiness, and relationships.
How do I know? Because I am a recovering black-and-white thinker. I, too, used to see the world as a scary place, where you have to be prepared for the worst, where some people are good and others are bad (but most are bad and can’t be trusted), and some are strong, while others are weak. The all or nothing thinking is actually a defense mechanism people use to cope with life’s challenges. Unfortunately, this type of thinking prohibits you from seeing things as they really are
This is one of the greatest challenges I have with my wife and I believe it is the source for most if not all of our conflicts together. In this way of thinking, there is an opinion to everything. Even if you don't have one about something and state things without an opinion....all my wife hears is an opinion, an assessment, a judgment or criticism where there is none and will accuse me of all manner of things that aren't actually happening. If it's not an opinion...then what can it be? Literally!
If there are only two categories for everything (black or white)....then where does red go? lol
The other tendency that goes along with black and white thinking is catastrophic thinking ( also a problem for my wife ) where even the most innocuous of situations turns into cataclysmic event in a blink of an eye. I still believe this starts with black and white thinking in the first place and it is not a healthy way to view the world or other people.
Just my two bit:)
J
I'm ADHD & I've learn a trick
Submitted by Orchids-Grower on
I'm ADHD & I've learn a trick to collecting pieces of paper, business cards, etc. We can see these items by size, color, & where we put them. I found that having an eye-catching (in my favorite color or design I like) basket, bowl, jar, etc., in an eye-catching location; I can keep track of the items easier. The container will catch their attention, focus, memory, & reward of finding what they are looking for. Besides, you can put those objects in the container, if need be, & can tell them, the object they are looking for, is in the container.
That's the dream world I use to live in :)
Submitted by c ur self on
I just told you that you sound a lot like me :)
You Sound Like My Wife
Submitted by kellyj on
I had to laugh.....what's even crazier is that I grew up with a mom who was the most OCD neat and tidy person you've ever met. I had manners and courtesy spoon fed to me and it still didn't make a difference. I still do the same things as your husband even though I am much improved with a lot of effort and changes in attitude.
Side note: it really helps me to live with a person that is neat and organized compared to someone who isn't. I've lived with both and at least I have a fighting chance if at least one person in the house doesn't suffer from clutter. Tell your husband he should count his blessings and adopt your rules for himself instead of fighting against them. He's lucky to have such a good role model to follow.
Respect, yes that is it for
Submitted by highestgood on
Respect, yes that is it for me also. "Leave no trace." Finish what you started. My husband leaves cabinets open, projects on the table. He does try. It gets better for a bit then he forgets again. He forgets more often if I've gotten upset with him for something. No surprise there.
It feels like disrespect, even though sometimes it is the ADD. Not all the time. I know he does it on purpose when he's mad at me. But the rest of the time I think these lapses are actually the symptoms. It's still annoying.
I'm at a point now where the table collects too much for my liking, it all gets thrown into a bag which goes into his hobby room. He can figure it out from there.
The Cabinets
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Distraction. That's why we don't close cabinet drawers. After I clean the kitchen, I do a visual sweep to check for open cabinets. There have been enough posts on this site (not just yours) for me to realize that, yes, this is an ADHD thing! But hey, I am cleaning the kitchen, and now I know why I do what I do ;)...
ADHDMomof2
omg
Submitted by amlee87 on
I have watched my husband place down his dinner plate ON TOP OF important pieces of mail/papers, etc and tell me he didn't notice they were there. Like, multiple times. He has left items out FOR WEEKS on end, and I stare at them every single day over and over and over just waiting for him to actually notice and put it away himself because in my opinion it is ABSOLUTELY NOT MY JOB TO CLEAN UP AFTER HIM!!! Every time I see things like this my blood boils more and more. However, much to my disappointment every single time, he LITERALLY will not notice that the item is still out of place and won't put it away. I'm talking about a power tool sitting in the middle of the kitchen countertop. Literally. He worked around it for 3 weeks straight, shoving it aside to cut veggies, etc until I flipped out and left it on his pillow on our bed!! He moved it from his pillow and it sat on the bedroom floor for another week before I gave up and put it in the garage. When I went ape shit over the fact that he literally worked around a drill in the middle of the kitchen for 3 weeks and he STILL didn't put it away after I left it on his pillow, he told me that it didn't bother him that it wasn't in the garage where it's supposed to be and that it's my problem because I'm the one who has an issue with it. Unbelievable
Who's problem is it?
Submitted by c ur self on
Read your post again and tell us who's problem it is...Your beside yourself about it, and based on your account of his actions he could care less...This is a perfect example of why there must be boundaries in many of our relationships...My spouse is the same, she is more comfortable in a huge mess than in a clean house...I remember right after we got married, before the boundaries...I swept and mopped (used lysol) the kitchen while she was out one day ...She came in the door, and said something like...What's that smell? I think I said, it's called clean...
Suggestion
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Start throwing things out, he will notice.
Now I am waiting for the 2nd
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Now I am waiting for the 2nd towel bar to be put up in our bathroom. We have one that went up when we moved in but we want another one to hold another towel. We went to Home Depot and got one last Saturday. It is sitting in it's box right next to the bathroom door. He asked me Sunday night where I want it hung and I showed him. Told me he'd do it Monday after work. It's still sitting in the box in the exact same spot I left it. I'll be lucky if it gets hung before the end of the month!
Hangers on the bed
Submitted by crossingfingers... on
This is probably the one that I understand the least. He takes clothes out of the closet on the hanger, and proceeds to leave the hanger on the bed. It takes extra effort to do that, and he must see what he is doing. The bedroom is not a dressing room at the mall, no one is going to sweep in and collect any random hangers left behind.
As for the kitchen, not only does he leave cabinets and drawers open, he leaves the microwave open (so the light stays on)!
Kitchen table is apparently now a utility table!
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
We have a kitchen table that I will admit we never use. We eat all our meals on tv trays in the living room so we can watch tv. It's just what we've always done, but we have a kitchen table for guests and just because it would be odd if we didn't have one. However I do have colorful table mats and a glass centerpiece on it.
Our house is set up kind of odd in that there is no back door from our garage to the backyard. If we want to go to the backyard we either have to go out the big garage door and open the fence to get into the backyard or go from the garage to the living room to the kitchen and out the sliding glass door. Well he usually goes out the sliding glass door so hauls tools and stuff through the house and there's no covered place to keep them outside so everything ends up on our kitchen table. Right now on the table we have: Miracle Gro and a sprayer for it, a ball of twine, box of fertilizer, 2 saws, gardening gloves, a cardboard box with empty seed packets, fuse for a light outlet, 2 wall plates for outlets a couple of booklets, his leather jacket is hanging over one of the chairs and when he gets home his backpack sits on that same chair. I'm tempted to take it all out into the garage and leave it in a heap for him to deal with!
Open drawers and cupboard doors
Submitted by DWone on
My DW leaves cupboard doors and drawers open- the drawers only for an inch or two! I still have two eyes due to constant awareness in the kitchen. I thought I had a solution when I put a new kitchen in with soft closing doors on the cupboards. Did not help, so anyone planning on that solution, save yourself a few $. I like them anyway, as there in no slamming sound on closing for me. She has a severely autistic nephew, so for me to even hint on the possibility of a mild form of ADD, would be catastrophic. Life goes on.
Oh dear. My DH is actually
Submitted by dvance on
Oh dear. My DH is actually really good at doing chores, but every once in a while something odd remains undone, like he will unload the dishwasher but not put away like two coffee mugs. Why? Who knows? Ditto loading--he will often load the entire thing but leave like one random plate and a glass in the sink. Why? I will say, however, compared to what I hear on this post, I am just grateful for all he does do. In my house we say "don't make work Mom"--sort of like an earlier poster who said "leave no trace"--love that! Both my teen boys have ADHD too and it's funny to see what tendancies they have. Neither of them is particularly neat, but then they are also 14 and 16. The big guy is pretty good at putting stuff away in the kitchen, but laundry-forget it. I just got him another laundry basket and dump his clean stuff in there so at least it's contained. The little one has to be reminded literally EVER SINGLE TIME to put his dinner dish in the dishwasher. EVERY time. Ditto snack stuff--just leaves his bowl/plate in the sink. Every. Time. working on it though. The idea that they just don't see stuff is so hard for me to grasp. It's been told to me multiple time by multiple people, but I just cannot wrap my brain around it.
leaving the drawers and cubboards open
Submitted by Amylrop on
As a chronic door leave
Submitted by Sollertiae on
As a chronic door leave-opener, I (accidentally!) bought a fridge that screams at me to shut it until I can no longer tolerate the screaming and get around to shutting it. Works for the person with ADHD too. :)
Drawer open
Submitted by Guitarista 69 on
my partner is a nurse , how can this person be so attentive with her profession but leave to go to work with draws and door open as well as milk out caps off containers and then repeat as she walks back into the door after work .. I feel like I’m the mental one
This post resembles me
Submitted by Sollertiae on
*looks at the open cupboards and drawers in her kitchen*
Oh dear.
I don't have ADHD, but it is something I do chronically. Or at least until I have brained myself on a cupboard for the third time. Mostly I do it because I think I might need it open, and then get busy and walk away, or my hands are full and I can't get there and... get busy and walk away. Plus it is pretty handy to have things open for when I inevitably need them again.
If I didn't rent, I would probably remove all the doors.
It certainly is pretty handy!
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
" . . . it is pretty handy to have things open for when I inevitably need them again.
If I didn't rent, I would probably remove all the doors. "
Yep. I get that. I like my kitchen counters and bathroom counters cleaned off. So, I put the stuff away. The folks around here can always find what they need in the place where it belongs, and I can enjoy clean counter space.
The rub comes in when it is time to figure out if it is 'mothering' or 'helping.' All these years later, I am not sure.
What I know for sure, is I choose to not argue about things over which I have no control.
Liz
The best!
Submitted by Sollertiae on
Or simply enjoying clean bench space. I suspect it only falls into the other two options when everything becomes that way and there is no responsibility. I mean, I may shove stuff into a pile for others or put away plates, but they will snap and clean the benches before me and close the dishwasher after barking their knees again because I left it open so.... :)
My wife keeps toothpaste cap,drawers.... open
Submitted by aliz on
Men are objective oriented, when they are done with something they don't feel to put it back or to close it. For example, I used to open the cream lid open after using it and it was a habit for me. But for some people, it is an a sign of a bigger issue. I think when you come home and you see kitchen cabinets or drawers are open, lights are on whereas she is taking rest upstairs,bagels bag is open,laptop desktop is full of files etc.... , it maybe a sign of anxiety and depression. People with anxiety talk faster, do things faster, eat faster . They always think they are out of time. I think they need help and as an husband or wife you can set with them to fix the main issue, medication and therapy. It takes some time but can de fixed. What they need to do is to see a good psychiatrist and take medication and the same time seek therapy and meditation. Once they are mindful of what they do, the problem will resolved after some time.
I have the same complaint. I
Submitted by ReneKat on
I have the same complaint. I would love if someone would respond to this.
Hi kat
Submitted by aliz on
What is your complaint?
I believe..
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I believe the complaint is with regards to the original post in this thread. The post is from 2014, and Kat is probably wondering if any progress was made.
Drawers, Cabinets, Lights
Submitted by ReneKat on
The problem is drawers and cabinets being left open constantly as well as lights not being turned off.
Drawers, Cabinets, Lights
Submitted by aliz on
Hi Kat,
Before getting married, every day when I came home, I realized cabinets are open, lights are on in all the bedrooms and bathrooms, milk is not on the fridge and etc... . Later she told me she has ADHD and I recommended her a doctor and she was told she has extreme anxiety and she needs therapy plus medication(Citalopram). I made a mistake to remind or teach her to close the cabinets or to turn off the lights but it did not work. I decide to let her do whatever she wants and I was relaxed when the cabinets were open and I closed the cabinets later. At this moment , after 1 year of our marriage, she improved a bit and is a little mindful. I realized she closed the cabinets most of the time.
But this is one part of the story. She is very messy. Her work desk is messy, her desktop screen is messy and is full of folders and files. When she brush her teeth, toothpaste are everywhere and when she eats fast food are everywhere . She told me to buy a maxtrainer for her but is setting there forever. She has no connection with the neighbor and she resent it when I talk with a lady. I am okay if she cannot cook, or the way she brush but it is very difficult for me to be with someone who does not trust me.
If you are living with a husband or wife does all things I mentioned, the best way is to let him/her to be whatever he/she is. These issues can be resolved if the person goes to mindful and yoga classes. Therapy and medicine are helpful. She is going to therapy tomorrow and I hope she improves over time. I am a family person and I want our relationship to improve. I will update.
??? Indeed.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
It does seem rediculous for those who can remember to close cabinets, drawers and doors at work but not at home. That proves that the person can remember when it is important for them to do so.
Indeed
Submitted by aliz on
It is possible the person remembers but want to torture you.
At home 'they can be themselves'
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
At work an ADHDer may be concerned what other people think of them on a daily basis so they manage to keep their desk drawers under control. They may also benefit from a full active dose of their medication at work. At home the meds have generally worn off and there are usually many more doors and drawers to interact with. Plus he has you 'to take care of it if you want'. See no problem. (You can scream into your pillow now.)
As an ADHD person, I can tell
Submitted by Orchids-Grower on
As an ADHD person, I can tell you why we do that. Our brains are working faster & are already focused on the next task rather than finishing the current one.
My husband does the same
Submitted by Victoria Bean on
My husband does the same thing. He wants to cook and is a good cook but every counter and the stove is a wreck. If I mention anything, he's on the defense. I've cracked my head twice due to him leaving drawers of cabinets open. Every surface is covered by bits of paper, receipts, usb cables - you name it. nothing is contained to it's rightful place. A Cheeto sat on the floor for over a week (I wanted to see how long it took him to notice.....I picked it up and trashed it). I like things in order (I can find it when I need it) and this is not good for me.
I do that :-(
Submitted by fabmonster on
I do that! Honestly, I do not see the open drawers and cabinets. I am lost in thought, in my mission of the moment.
What helps me is to live with my spouse. I know disorder bothers him terribly. So I am more likely to notice an open drawer and see it through his eyes, and close it.
My best recommendation is to a) set a good example by closing the drawers and cabinets as you notice them, b) never criticize him for it, as punishment will make his mind avoid thinking about the topic, and a) use positive reinforcement instead, as in "I notice you are making an effort to close drawers and I want you to know I notice it and I love it." That will make a positive feedback loop in his mind around closing drawers.
Good luck!
Doesn't everyone do this?
Submitted by ADD times two w... on
I'm ADD and my hubby is ADHD. We both do some version of all of this. Me with the lights, him with the messy kitchen and cabinets. I just clean up the mess he made. I'm behind him like a mad woman when he is in the kitchen! Catching every mess lol. Not in a mean way, he understands I like things in order and am just trying to not go crazy in the mess. He likes to cook but hates me under his feet. So he cleans up as best as he does after he is done, I tidy up in my way. It works wonders and everyone is happy If you are the neat freak, why are you freaking out when you have to clean a mess? It's kinda our jam. I love sitting back and basking in the cleanliness of my house.
That last over night, he comes home and repeat. But it's okay. I would be cleaning my messes anyway so why am I so focused on his mess? Could it be that I, me who never does anything wrong, am doing to my hubby what I accuse him of doing? Only seeing his mess and not my own?? wha........?
Coming from an ADD'er, I think I tend to want my spouse to do everything too. I want all the stuff from him that I don't give him. A little grace. I don't need to keep reminding him he didn't take out the trash. The moment he saw the trash still sitting there he knew he forgot. But I saw it too. So I left it there just so he could see it and remember he forgot and then what? I will spill my toxic goo that has been stewing for hours looking at that overspilling trash can for the 100000th time,all over him? I didn't take it out either, what makes me better? Because I asked him to? Okay, he didn't do it, what was my excuse?
Yes I do this type of stuff all the time and he does it to an extreme but non couples do this type of stuff too. We can't leave our spouses just because they can't remember to take out the trash and it bugs us.
I believe in fighting for marriage. This is the hill I will die on :)
It's Never Just about the Open Cupboards or Dirty Dishes
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Trying to find joy in life with any person - a typical, non-typical, ADHD wired brain, Right Brained, Left Brained, Engineering Brain - trickles down to mutually agreed upon expectations, taking responsibility for our own actions, and expecting the same in return.
I do not turn the lights off every-time I leave a room. My spouse usually does. I could grumble at him to leave the lights on as easy as he could grumble at me to turn them off. If he wants them off, he turns them off. If I chose to leave them on to annoy him, that would be rude. If he would choose to admonish me for leaving them on, that would be rude.
If my spouse is in a hurry and has no time to do the dishes and tells me, as he is running out the door, that he will do them when he gets home, I can fuss and fume about the dirty dishes, or take 10 minutes and do them. Or even go in the other room where I do not see them.
Intentions. The majority of my frustrations, the rub for me that is: It's not that he won't. It's not that he can't. It's that he doesn't. Knowing I cannot force/control someone else to do anything, therein lies acceptance. Or sheer frustration. If he cannot understand his own neurology, how can I even begin to choose to point out my frustration with it - over and over and over.
Lost items - mostly keys and wallets. Forgotten appointments. Time blindness. Not taking time to think before agreeing to do something or committing to buy something. Even Typically-Wired-Brained folks do these things. It's when it affects our everyday life that it becomes an issue, and brings us to this forum to find common ground,
Still hopeful
Submitted by ADD times two w... on
Okay so you know all the things the he just doesn't do. For whatever reason. You have begged and pleaded and still, nothing.
The definition of insanity is to continue to do something the same way and Except a different outcome. My ADD brain drives me insane every day, I can't imagine what it does to him. I mean just me in general. I'm not a picnic. In my opinion, most women have a touch of ADD. Our hair has to be perfect. It that means starting the day before, it has to be perfect. We pride ourselves on our clean house. We battled that child to stay clean all day! And when he leaves his underwear on the floor every day, when he walks on our floors with his middy boots, when he has the audacity to not notice my hair is perfect; well I'm going to make sure he NEVER does it again! He will acknowledge me and my efforts! I shouldn't have to tell him, can't he SEE IT?!? But then I started to think, well I did all those things. I did them for whatever reason and yes I wanted him to see it, but did I see how worn out he was from work that he only has the energy to take off his boots before he collapsed in a heap on the couch? Do I recognize that he showers so much because he's dirty from work and wants to be clean for me too? Did I see that before he went to bed he gave me that look to indicate the needed me? And because I was still mad I didn't go to him so he went to bed and woke up mad. Why is it a wonder that today we fought about something so small I'm ashamed now that I even went there? Did I not see my part is the crumbling of my marriage?
He won't change and I still love him. I let him be who he is and I'm still who I am. I give him Grace.
My ADHD husband (untreated)
Submitted by Dollyheart34 on
My ADHD husband (untreated) also does this. He's the cook and in the kitchen he leaves cabinets, drawers, the microwave, the trash bin... all open. This used to drive me crazy, but since reading this website I've chosen to be less frustrated over this because I now understand that it's the way his brain works, not a character flaw (laziness, inconsiderate, etc.). I try to pick the most important things to bring to his attention. In the kitchen, I just close things behind him, and save my energy (and it does take a lot of energy) for the things that don't just annoy me, but the things that hurt me and hurt our relationship. (We've been married 30 years.)
My husband and his father do
Submitted by Ms Henson on
My husband and his father do the same every single
te I'm notmtalking
iw
amd them and mean every freaking time.
i am now fascinated as to why. There's got I ne some brain function that's got
a glitch. My father in law is a bright polite man so I don't get it with him. Now my hubs on the other hand...
Leaving doors, drawers, cabinets open!
Submitted by laststraw on
I'm new here ... but I'm already happy I found this site because I've been dealing with this alone without anyone to talk to about it for a long time ... hence my user name, "LASTSTRAW" ... because that's about where I'm at mentally and physically. The behavior of leaving doors, drawers, & cabinets open constantly drives me completely out of my mind. I swear I don't get it either. You're right ... What's with a brain that can't ever close anything? I have spent a great deal of time contemplating this behavior and I had it chalked up to the fact that his Mother never taught him anything. She was a total servant and a maid for his father, his brother and and was too stupid to demand any respect from any of them. Consequently, the three of them totally abused her. I've always thought that had to be the reason he can't do a lot of things for sure. But now that I see someone else is dealing with this ridiculous behavior I'm rethinking the whole thing and the reasons behind it. If anyone has even remotely successfully dealt with an ADHD partner to does this and managed to get them to change even in the slightest ... I'd sure like to know. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated!
Doors, drawers, cabinets open
Submitted by Dollyheart34 on
In the past I have tended to see many of my husband's ADHD behaviors as character flaws... inconsiderate, insensitive, lazy, etc etc. What I've learned from this website and other reading that this is a brain problem, not a "heart" problem. That understanding doesn't help my frustration with these behaviors but it helps me decide what I will overlook and what I will take a firm stand on.
Leave the door open
Submitted by adhd32 on
Old way of doing things for me was to close them or tell H to watch out. Then I stopped. H cut his head on the corner of the cabinet door while not paying attention. Oh well. A hard way to learn a lesson but H learns every lesson the hard way.
Leaving doors, drawers, cabinets open!
Submitted by aliz on
We married in 2019. My wife leaves the lights, cabinets door.... Open, and leaves a very messy kitchen. Sometimes she loses the keys, her cell phone..
I never criticized or mentioned these things to her, but she is also not going to improve or go to the doctor. She is watever she is. I have to live with it or move out.