So I have been posting here for a long time and reading all the post for a long time and I am starting to wonder if DHs ADHD is not the issue, we just have a crummy marriage that has run its course. It's been 20 years. Maybe that's all we have in us. I just don't know what to say or do any more. DH comes and goes as he pleases, sometimes tells me when he is coming home, sometimes not. Today he was supposed to be home by 4:30 and instead walked in at 7:45, but only because he had taken his car to have a recall fixed. So how do I get mad at that?? What kind of a shrew wife is upset that he took care of the car??? And then he showered and ate and sat and read his book until he went to bed about 10:30. Okay then. We discussed sex at our last marriage counseling. DH is fine with once a month. I am not, but what can I do? He travels Monday-Friday most weeks and when he is home on the weekends he is exhausted. So again, what kind of shrew wife is upset when their husband is tired? We never go out--he's tired and the last thing he wants to do after sleeping in hotel rooms and eating out is to go out again during the 2 short days he is home--I get that. So I do all my fun things while he is gone--out to dinner, theater, opera, dancing, live story telling, lots of stuff, and then I resign myself to being home on the weekends. Is that normal? What do other couples do when one spouse travels? I cannot possibly believe that every couple who has a spouse that travels does nothing with them during all the time they're home. None of those seem to be ADHD problems. He is on the periphery of our lives (I have two boys--ages 14 and 16). Since he is not here, most of the managing of them falls to me. There is a lot that goes on that he never knows. Not on purpose, but stuff goes on while he's away, and the moment has passed by the time he gets home.
I can't explain it--I just think maybe this has run its course. I feel lonely and bored pretty much all the time. I dread when he is home--I feel so much more myself when he's not here. I am more playful with the kids, more relaxed at home. When he is home, I am on edge, quiet, careful about what I say to him so I don't stress him out (he has suffered from depression and PTSD and has been suicidal in the past). He tells me he can handle anything but many things I tell him, he overreacts to. My 16 year old is dating his first real girlfriend. They hang out at her house a lot, in the basement, where her mom doesn't check on them very often. I don't like it, but I cannot tell another mom how to run things in her house, I can only beat it into the 16 year old's head to NOT go too far with her. DH suggested we call her mom and ask if she minds if her daughter has sex at age 16. Um, NO, in what universe is that the appropriate response???? How is that calmly managing things?? We sit in marriage counseling with not much to discuss--there is SOOOOOO much that doesn't match up with the way that we see the marriage, I don't even know what to say or where to start. None of this is due to ADHD. What is the marriage is just crummy and over?? What next??
I don't know it it's ADHD or not...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<Today he was supposed to be home by 4:30 and instead walked in at 7:45, but only because he had taken his car to have a recall fixed. So how do I get mad at that?? What kind of a shrew wife is upset that he took care of the car??? <<<<
That is not the issue. The issue is that when a spouse is expected at 4:30, but doesn't call and say that he's taking care of a car issue and then comes home at 7:45, that is just rude. He'd essentially saying, "I am not part of a married couple or family, I don't have to account for my time at all."
It would be one thing if he was some life-saving surgeon who got pulled into an emergency with no time to call you. Taking care of a car issue is not so time-demanding that he couldn't text or call. Don't let him think that you're being unrealistic or demanding. You're not.
>>>And then he showered and ate and sat and read his book until he went to bed about 10:30. Okay then. We discussed sex at our last marriage counseling. DH is fine with once a month. I am not, but what can I do? He travels Monday-Friday most weeks and when he is home on the weekends he is exhausted. So again, what kind of shrew wife is upset when their husband is tired? We never go out--he's tired and the last thing he wants to do after sleeping in hotel rooms and eating out is to go out again during the 2 short days he is home--I get that. So I do all my fun things while he is gone--out to dinner, theater, opera, dancing, live story telling, lots of stuff, and then I resign myself to being home on the weekends. Is that normal? What do other couples do when one spouse travels? I cannot possibly believe that every couple who has a spouse that travels does nothing with them during all the time they're home. <<<
While it's true that some couples do stay home on days off when one spouse's job requires a lot of travel, but that doesn't mean that you can't have "date night" at home. Order out for pizza or whatever, watch a good movie with the lights dimmed, etc.
If your H doesn't want to spend the time with you, then he doesn't want a relationship.
It is a lot of things
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
dvance,
Hi, I think, based on what I read in your post, that is is a lot of things.
I, too can't explain it.
I, too feel lonely. I am not bored, but I dearly miss feeling connected to someone, who loves me, and cherishes me, and validates and acknowledges me as a woman/person/human being. I wonder if I ever had that, or if I was just like a nervous little puppy trying to get attention by being good. I certainly valued other's praise more than I valued my self.
I, too, at times dread when he is home--I feel so much more myself when he's not here.
I, too and more relaxed at home. When he is home, I am on edge, quiet, careful about what I say to him so I don't stress him out He tells me he wants to learn to deal with conflict, but at any mention, the affect it has on him is sad to watch. He will shut me down, and said he cannot be the person I want him to be.
I too, think there is SOOOOOO much that doesn't match up with the way that we see the marriage.
Many things in both our lives add up to who we are now. Me, for the most part, I am happy, content and enjoying life's journey. I am no longer bitter and angry and vengeful about things. I have come to terms with growing up in an alcoholic home. Struggling through 15 years of bulimia and anorexia. Being a people pleaser. Trying to rescue anyone and everyone, while being stuck in that victim mentality of "Why, oh why can't Liz be good enough for people to like her?"
I try to see as quickly as possible when I get into triangulation of any sort, and just step to the side. When accusations come my way, I find it best to respond something along the lines of "Well, you know what? That could be. I'll ponder it for a while." Sometimes the accusation are so ludicrous, I don't really give it another though. Other times, I mull it a bit to search inside myself to discover is there is any truth to it, and if it is, determine if it is worth changing. Sometimes, the little stuff is just not worth the bother.
There is one man, one woman, a man with an ADHD brain, a very creative man, a very organized woman, a mom, a dad, 2 people in their 50s, 2 people married 30 years,.
I admit I spent a lot of years going overboard on looking at myself. What is MY problem? why can't I get this right? Why can't I make this marriage work? What do I keep screwing up? Why isn't my husband happy? Now I know it is not my job to 'make' my husband happy. While I totally understand I can only control myself, what I am now trying to figure out is when is enough enough, and I have to be out of this situation? I already have my spouse's resignation that he has given up. I cannot be responsible for both sides of the marriage equation.
Our intimate life has disappeared. Longer and longer periods of time went by, until I just felt used. I did not feel loved, admired, cherished. I am accused of punishing my spouse by with-holding sex. That really breaks my heart. That may have been true at one time. those accusations used to manipulate me into doing what I did not feel like doing. Now there is just no feeling of intimacy, no desire, no feeling of closeness. I cannot pretend. I am lonely in that respect.
I still need to get to the place of doing what I believe is best for Liz. I am still in the place of not being able to bear hurting my spouse by saying I am 100% finished. That is a real shame for me. It keeps me stuck in limbo. Especially since he has clearly stated he no longer is willing to try.
Liz
Liz