Submitted by PoisonIvy on 09/04/2018.
My ex-husband said to me once or twice, "I can barely take of myself." This came after I felt at the end of my rope and shared with him how stressful it was and how sad I felt that he was not contributing more to the family via financial, emotional, and logistical support. It was devastating for me to hear him say this but humiliating, I'm sure, for him to reveal it.
Stark Truth
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I asked my H why he thought he had taken me down this rabbit hole of deceit and debt. I wanted to know why he never cared enough to take care of me. By "take care of" I don't mean materialistic in the old paternalistic sense. His answer? "I never thought I'd make it this far (both parents died before he was 18), how do you think I could consider you? "
That was a stark truth. His parents died 3 decades ago. No, he wasn't going to care enough about me to be responsible and respectful toward me. He couldn't because he couldn't. That was a hard truth. It made me feel as though I was never really loved. I'm still working through that one.
Stark Truth #2? All those times I asked, hey, what's your thought process? How did you get to that decision? What was on your mind? I often asked this in a way that was no accusatory... more curious. "I don't know." That was a real answer. Who knew. For example, I was prepared to hear how I let him down or how I contributed to the marital problems and him going on dating sites, lying, etc. I was prepared for work, personal responsibillity and soul searching, but I found it hard to stomach "I don't know." It seemed as insulting as the action. Alternatively, how could I ever work to fix something if the other party cannot articulate the problem? Harsh. I thought: "Wow, you devastated me and shook the entire foundation of my life..." I DON'T KNOW????????
I'm also sure it was deeply humiliating to him also. I could recognize that it was deeply humiliating, but I don't think he could recognize that it was deeply and truly devastating to me.
My DH told me a while ago "I
Submitted by dvance on
My DH told me a while ago "I have to take care of myself/do what's right for myself and if that hurts your feelings then too bad". Okay then. Don't really see how we are going to have a nice marriage with that mindset...
Heard this more than a few times
Submitted by adhd32 on
"This is how I am and I'm not going to change!!"
Said after some disastrous event where his behavior came into question. Like a petulant child. I think that tells me everything I need to know about him. He can go live in his little world where he is always the hero, I'm expanding my world and not including him in it.
"Well, your feelings are yours to manage"
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
The context around this was that I was, yet again, trying to get him to understand how his behavioral issues were hurtful to me (and to us..and really also to himself) and he was, yet again, flatly refusing to be responsible for any of it.
It was very much a statement of contempt and dismissal and it was one of many of those type of statements... but it was one of the last that finally made me realize that, no matter what, it would always be.. not just a "Me First" situation with him... but "Me At The Expense Of You".
I just read all of you ladies post on this thread....
Submitted by c ur self on
And you are all saying the same thing in just a little different ways...."Nothing is worth me not putting myself first"....I think the reality of this kind of heart and mind is, there is just no capability to consider the effects of their actions....If there is, then what does that say about us for staying?
I think we (are me anyway) have the tendency to suffer blindness to their reality, (The behaviors we witness/endure that even causes us to ask the questions you are discussing here) because of our own abilities to care and be considerate of others.....So hope continues even though we know it's (most) always going to be like Californiagirl worded it....Me at the expense of you....
c
What is the truest thing your
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
What is the truest thing your wife has said, c ur self?
I guess you mean about herself, PI ?.....
Submitted by c ur self on
In calm moments she has confessed some of her sufferings....She has told me multiple times that she is the most selfish person she knows....When we were discussing our priorities several months back, she thought about it a while, and then told me she was her number 1 priority...Her actions and life style say's that these are very true statements....She is a person who presses everyone to see life her way...To comply with her wants...Especially about Fun and Frivolity....She's a typical dopamine junkie....
Everything I Thought I Knew Was Wrong
Submitted by kellyj on
Just stopping by again. I can't speak for anyone else who might hear me say that as to how they would feel if I had said that in the past but my feelings are now, it might have floored them? Only because of all the things that I thought were true which were wrong or incorrect. Which means I must have said some other kind of conclusion, rationalization, assumptions or just a speculation to fill in the blanks of what I didn't know? Had to have been?
I don't know might have been the most honest answer which still leaves anyone else quessing or in the dark.
There's always "I don't want to talk about it"...which in my case on the other side was also the truth / not truth.
The truth would be "I'm not going to talk about it"....that would have been the absolute truth or being totally upfront and openly honest.
Its funny how one or two words difference, can change the entire meaning?
I don't want to....to.....I'm not going to
Makes a big difference when you get the words right?
I don't know at least is honest if you really don't know? And the only way for me to know anything was to go back and unlearn what I thought I knew ( which was wrong ) and relearn what it really is so I can say so. Other than that, I don't know is still honest if you really don't know the answer. I think everything else is highly suspect cuz those subtle wording differences can change the entire meaning.
Hi J..I Hope you are well...
Submitted by c ur self on
(Which means I must have said some other kind of conclusion, rationalization, assumptions or just a speculation to fill in the blanks of what I didn't know?)
It would be such a better world; if we would, or could, (had the ability with in us) all swap the above, for simple "I don't knows"......Much of my life as been spent relearning things, I thought I knew...I think this will be a life long pursuit...I have found the right teacher though;).....
Good to hear from you friend...
c
I'm Finding "I Don't Know".....
Submitted by kellyj on
.....is useful as a way of starting out on the right foot. This feeds right into assuming and looking for intention. If you can't assume and you have no other way of knowing, it forces you to inquire or ask as well as paying attention or redirecting your attention to what the other person is saying. What else is there if you don't know, even if you have a pretty good idea? I'm findint more all the time that I have to unlearn less and stand corrected less by not knowing either! Lol
I have to say, in some ways I'm doing great and in some ways its as bad as it can get but the parts that are bad are only affecting me and no one else directly speaking. Digging out from the depression and aftermath of breaking up a year ago was nothing new yet still just the same as it always was but now just older and my resiliance is less than it use to be.
Reflecting back to a year or more ago, makes it easier to see pretty clearly what was going to change and simply what was never going to change. If there isn't some way to communicate on the same level, it leaves you in the dark and simply trying to connect. If the person your with suddenly clams up and stops communicating, there is nothing you can do to make them open up.
I'm still of the mind that says intention is everything in reference to understanding. I'm more interested now, more than ever in inderstanding intention and motivation. If I understand that and know what that much out front in the open, I can figure a lot of the rest out even if its not spoken. I guess that gets down to a deeper level of understanding but I kind of need that honestly. It helps me gain perspective coning from a different one that I pocess much of the time! Lol
In fact, I finally figured out what I am in terms of God and Religion. I'm an "Omnist"...which means I believe in all of them!! Lol And it totally works for me and there are no conflicts what so ever. For me that is, I've got that firmly worked out which is exactly where I like to be. In the middle. I don't have to disagree because I can automatically agree without having to take sides but thats just the net side benefit. The reason for it is within my intention and what that means.
And going back a year or more ago, it was the intention itself that was elusuve at best. Elusive, unclear, ambiguous, or seemingly non existant. I don't know and non existant still go together very well. I don't think she had any idea or any intention what so ever. From her vacation planning to deciding where she was going next, other than " I want...." that was about all I remember she was giving but all of that boils back down to "I don't know".
Which is why its a good place to start. I'm trying to utilize the "Schultz" method as much as possible!. "I know nothing". Lol ( ich weiss nichts ! Lol )
Thanks C. I'll check in from time to time, I'll got some healing to do but low and behold, the 1 year mark just went by. I'm still standing on what I've said in the past....1 year is about right + or -.
Identifying People's motivation.....
Submitted by c ur self on
(If the person your with suddenly clams up and stops communicating, there is nothing you can do to make them open up.)
One of my many faults over the years when it comes to people is not wanting to believe (accept) what I observe, and what I experience....I get this picture in my mind (what I think is right, based on my belief system) and I work to that end, trying to make it happen...But what I've found out about people is...They may verbally agree (in conversation) with me concerning what should be happening in a relationship...(Pulling together in a common direction, the sharing of life in a unified way) But once the talking is over, the agreed upon path doesn't always materialize...Which I think is just the product of being human to some degree...(human differences) As I become honest with myself about my own efforts, I see weakness, I see inabilities, I see selfishness....So what it boils down to for me (starting with me) in two person's attempt to have a relationship....Is the effort observable? Is the fruit of love, kindness and commitment being produced in our lives? IF it is, I've found there isn't much to talk about concerning the relationship, because it's happening, we are experiencing relational living!....When it's not, the words start up...The questions....The pointing it out....The stress levels....It's just better for me to stop asking the same questions, and just believe what is being produced right in front of me (By simple observation)....I don't have to like it....But I do have to accept it in order to be at peace, and also it lets me know what to expect....
If you take every thing that a person is.....(all there likes, dislikes, commitment levels, willingness to work, willingness to communicate, willingness to submit their body, willingness to share, etc etc.) Then you take all the same things concerning their spouse and mesh them into a unified product of 2 being 1....That is basically what marriage is.....So when we step back and observe all the selfishness in the world (in people) it really shouldn't surprise any of us that the divorce rate is what it is....
After 10 years together there really isn't anything much my wife and I need to say about our longings and our desires in this life....It's there for us both to see, just by observation...The reason we talk about it and even argue about it at times, is simply because we don't like it....We don't want to accept it....But when I make myself!!! lol... quietly accept what I observe...I don't talk about the difference's near as much...I just say to myself...C, you know what your wife has pursued for 10 years, and made a high priority, (based on time, attention, affection, finances, etc...) And you also know what she refuses to do, and what she complains about when she does it.....So accept it, live, breathe, and be thankful for the life the Father supplies you....Yep that's about it.....
Our lives aren't in our spouse's hands....So there is no sense in me not simply accepting what I observe, even if there isn't much ability to mesh in unity....I'm not alone;)
c
Yes, again, acceptance
Submitted by jennalemone on
C, this is the path I am following these days too. Not trying to talk or persuade or even question anymore....just watching and accepting. Taking the load off of myself. It seems the past 20 years I worked so hard. Now it is my work to find my self back again. Am I more than the work I produce for everyone else? What is the goal in life if not working for/with others whom I love? I am giving myself more moments where I stop thinking and I just let myself feel the wind on my face. Just relax and smile, taking some time to enjoy the weather and nature if for no other reason than my health. I had been too afraid that if I spent too mjuch time "enjoying" that the house of cards would fall down. Now I am getting the attitude to let the house of cards fall if they must but just be true to myself more often. Part of this acceptance is accepting that we all die one day no matter how hard we work or fast we talk. How do I want to spend my days and years? I still value work. It's honest and loving to work. Working has to have love connected to it somehow in order for it to be fulfilling. Working with and for H is not fulfilling or rewarding....it is maddening to me because I feel like we are working against each other in many ways. This is what I am working on. Seeing this more clearly and accepting it and relaxing a bit.
Can sadly relate
Submitted by Brindle on
Several of the responses here are very similar to what I’ve heard from my H. It’s so sad, for all of us! I’ve been told in varying ways and on various topics (the load I carry and my emotions, for example) that I’m on my own and there will be no help.
It’s such a change from the hyperfocus-guy who wanted to help me with everything and was so caring about my feelings. Talk about bait and switch.
ADHD Sherpa
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Hyper-focus off? Poof! Now you are relegated to the status of an ADHD Sherpa whose purpose is to advance the whims of ADHD. Companionship? Bah!
Probably
Submitted by Stressed to the Max on
"I've realized that it's not in my nature to be monogamous." Good thing to know before 15 years of marriage but also very true. Too many shiny people walking around and not tying yourself down means subsequent partners may not have those pesky standards and expectations.