Submitted by dedelight4 on 06/30/2015.
Maybe this is another dumb question, and maybe can't be answered quickly, but here goes. At what point do those of us who are married to ADHD'ers (who are trying to get better) actually FEEL better about OURSELVES? (ESPECIALLY after so many YEARS of living with them UN-treated and UN-diagnosed and under-diagnosed and under-treated?)
Hey Dedelight4
Submitted by kellyj on
I know you are posing the question to the non-ADHD'ers but, I think the answer is the same for everyone. Learn to let go and stop carrying around the past. I've found that doing this always makes me feel better once I am finally able to put the past behind you for good.
How? Stop doing what ever you do that you that makes you feel poorly about yourself (goes against or betrays yourself what ever it is). Once you start doing that it will be easier to forgive yourself and have more compassion for your own past and you will also be able to do this for everyone else at the same time. What feels bad is carrying all that anger and regret from the past around with you on a daily basis. Once you start letting that go, that's when you will begin to feel better.
J
you are a priority
Submitted by coco8712 on
make yourself a priority stop tending to the ADHDer . slowly but surely start doing things you never done take classes or go for a walk ,start taking care of your self mentally and physically you are important !!! the world needs more of you :) your a amazing strong person try to let the past go it will make you feel miserable . practice new things be good to yourself you deserve it remember that !!!!
best of luck
Ditto
Submitted by kellyj on
;)
This is not a dumb question.
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
This is not a dumb question. I think all of us non-ADHD spouses/partners go over this question every time we start to pity our lot in life. However, for me, it took 25 years (and still in process) to realize that I was fabulous before I met my husband and still am and I am strong for still being here to tell about it! My therapist said I have to be an independent married person, not disrespecting him, but still walking my own path of improvement and things that I want to accomplish in life since he is stagnant. My elderly mother figure said I am sort of a widow. You accept the good days and when they have bad days, you depend on the one person that knows what you like, love and always treats you great...YOU. So start immediately and think about what YOU want to accomplish in a month, 6 months, 1 year and be the best person you can but know that YOU CAN'T CHANGE WHAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN and it's not your fault. Please don't waste anymore time holding back on your likes and dreams because if you wait on them, all you will do is be busy doctoring something that they have to take care of and if they are stuck in their minds full of hate and failure (my husband feels this way) you will be dragged in to the cyclone, F5 tornado, etc. Make the choice for yourself to love them but love yourself more for once. I love my husband and for years I thought I was in love, but I don't feel that romantic love anymore. I put him before me all the time only to be loved the way HE wanted or was capable of loving me. Now it's God, me and then him. It's necessary since I take care of myself in ALL areas, especially emotionally. I still love him but I will not allow him to drag me into his ADHD and make me miserable. It was/is hard to pull away from being doting and mother-like when it's all you know but it also has held me captive for years. LET GO- it brings peace to your mind and body. I am not happy that I am married to someone that had so many issues, I didn't know but that does not change the fact that I AM FABULOUS.
:)
Submitted by coco8712 on
WOW AMEN praise the LORD you are so fabulous !!! i love your courage,strength and how you know its never ever been you its ADHDer so to speak. I am opposite he told me he had ADHD but i didnt know the severity of it or what it really was i automatically thought he was hyper talkative etc.... wrong toatally wrong. now im free were done and it was a cycle for 2 years i have been doing it his way accepting how he loves me on some days and some days hates me :( or what he was capable of giving which was NADA i allowed. Things changed for me few months God stirred up something wonderful inside me HIS VOICE . I started speaking up for myself, disagreeing with him, doing things my way some things lol !! having different opinions than him oh he didnt like it all he said"i was going against the grain and i have been bitchy giving him attitude or who was influencing me to act this way " lol !!! he was possessive and controlling. plus its annoying letting him decide when he wants to be loving and cuddle being cute and when he wanted me away from him RUDE ! he said his usual mean horrible name calling hes been doing it for 2 years im used to it im NUMB i got my stuff and blocked him never will i go back . Today i miss him he let me go without a fight he doesnt care after all ibeen through all my love he acts like this . it does hurt i know GOD SAVED ME , i have been praying on an answer if not i would still be riding a horrible path of pain,tears,anger,etc..... i know this is better FOR ME i still LOVE HIM but i cant go back he isnt going to change hes 37 IM 27 . i want a partner who will be my team mate not just me alone being there for him and him not here for me . today im sad :( ill be strong and ill be okay
Not a dumb question at all.
Submitted by dvance on
Not a dumb question at all. I have to echo what the other posters have said--you will feel better when you take care of yourself more. Slowly but surely begin to set more boundaries. Stop solving every little problem the ADHD person creates for themselves. Begin to make more plans on your own. Reconnect with friends you've let go or really make a bigger effort with current friends. Develop old hobbies or try out some new things. What has worked for me is a combo of all of these things. Two and a half years ago when the bottom dropped out for us for many reasons, I pulled back a bit and started to make more plans of my own. Turns out I love opera, so I share a subscription with a friend. I go to other theater with another friend. I used to take yoga a long time ago, like pre-kids, and I started doing that again. So a mix of old stuff you used to like and trying new things. At some point you will stop feeling like you have to solve every problem or rescue them every darn time. Clearly if there is a financial or safety issue that affects the whole family or even just you, you are going to have to step in, but for things that don't directly involve you--step away. It will be really hard for while, but it will get easier. It felt really really neglectful and selfish, but it got easier and a lot of stuff DH didn't even notice. Even in the most healthy, balanced marriage, where no one has any mental health issues at all, it's not possible for one person to be everything to you. I think in an ADHD marriage, that is true to the extreme. Even something as silly as taking time each day to read something you really like--nothing better than a big stack of fashion magazines!!!!!--or a great novel or tackle a classic-costs nothing but might make you feel like you are using your brain for something other than putting out fires.
Hope that helps--try something--
dvance
The New Day for You
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
DD4,
As much as my spouse had spent 50+ years developing coping patterns to navigate the world with his undiagnosed ADHD, so did I develop patterns to navigate our marriage being unaware I was living with a man with an undiagnosed ADHD wired brain.
I think for my marriage, this was how we developed the symptom-response-response cycle that Melissa talks about in her books.
Today, I have a specific boundary in place for behaviors directed at me that are unacceptable - to ME. I do not need my spouse, my friends, nor my family to understand. People who have not walked a mile in my shoes have NO CLUE.
For the present time in my life, I enforce my boundary to an undesirable behavior directed at me simply like this "I do not like it."
All I need to know for Liz: the behavior directed at me feels unacceptable. I state, "I do not like that." If my spouse starts to get defensive, or nasty, I repeat, "I do not like that." And then I walk away. It does no good to engage. The defensive walls are no match for me.
I started feeling good inside my own skin when was I was able to realize I do NOT need my spouse to acknowledge how I feel. I KNOW how I feel. I KNOW what is not acceptable to me.
Liz
Liz,
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Liz,
You put a smile of assurance on my face. You reminds me that even though we are married, we should not lose our identity nor should we fail to voice what bothers us and makes us feel disrespected because we are our parents children not a creation of our spouse.
Some things read easy yet work hard
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
NGLM,
Even with a scripted step-by-step pattern to follow, dealing with conflict is a big issue for me in my marriage. I have yet to discover the secret to expressing my feelings surrounding areas of conflict without causing/stirring-up pain for my spouse. While I really dislike seeing him in pain/anger, I also need to remember that HE has to work on his stuff and Liz needs to work on hers. I can continue to work on how I approach and bring-up areas of conflict, - - and as of this very weekend, I am still striking out.
I still seem to set off an uncomfortable cycle where he feels attacked. It drains me, and I feel disappointed. That eggshell walking thing is difficult.
While it may appear to be a solution to only look at the positives and sweep the negatives under the rug, in doing that, the rug gets pretty lumpy after too much chaff has been hidden under it.
The parent/child issue sure seems to arise - and not just from Liz's parent/child dynamic towards my spouse, but also in the opposite direction. I have been considering an angry situation that happened this weekend where the cycle of defense started up, and before I could walk away, I heard his angry words that I had 'defied' his wishes. It feels really uncomfortable to be in a position where his opinions trump our negotiations of finding solutions we BOTH can feel good about. I knew it was just his gut response to the situation, as it was an old issue that was thrown at me in desperation.
As much as I care about him, and love him, and hate to see him in pain, I cannot fix it for him. I really believe I am doing my best, and I always keep an open mind that maybe a new solution will present itself.
Liz
You are so right. These days,
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
You are so right. These days, I pick my battles. I flowchart often, trying to decide if the conversation, my opinion, my stand, my interjection even matter in the end. If it does not affect my life or is perhaps a problem that my spouse has with someone else, I just listen and say "uh huh" a lot. It is very exhausting to not be able to have a conversation where logical thinking is present but that has always been the case with us, even when I get others to speak to him and voice exactly what I said, he is hard-headed. When he asks my opinion, I state it knowing that more often than not, he will throw it in the trash anyway but hey, we are all adults and most of the time, he follows his own vision and proceeds with his plan and it blows up in his face. The fact is that even though together we look like a great couple, individually he still looks "off" and intimidating and stubborn to most people. This has nothing to do with me and I have my own identity. At times I wonder if he is jealous of me for being liked, being able to listen and cede to others and not having a marred past or troubled relationships. But, that is the woman my mother created, the woman that he can't influence anymore or ever change.
No matter if we say things nicely or if we lose our temper- they always feels attacked because they can't stand not being agreed with even if they are wrong. This is why I just let him do his own thing anyway. Less energy.