I think I have shared some "good" things, (as much as I am able, and been gifted to do) over the last several years on this site...Things that has helped me (and others) to accept the reality of what daily life is going to be like, with a high level add/adhd spouse...Who in my case, and many of yours, is in denial of her behaviors...Behaviors that have intrusive and abusive effects of their spouses....
Today I want to discuss the long term effects on us, the spouse's....I"ve often said to myself, and to others on this site....We can't make our spouse's our projects....But, under the conditions (trying to love this person, trying to accept them, and being forced to set boundaries in order to curb the effects of their intrusive and abusive life styles) how do we not??....When a person (any of us) is so incapable of ownership of their words and actions, and is completely incapable or unwilling to calmly communicate about their realities, that person will always be a project of sorts, if you abide in the same space with them as one flesh...Most of us will make them somewhat of a project, simply because of our own unmet needs (The pain of isolation and abandonment, of being over worked, disrespected and used thoughtlessly)....So our minds live in this reality "They vowed to fill a role in our lives, and I need it, and desire it"....Expectations die hard, and we can feel like we are giving up, when we totally accept their living of life as the long term reality for our marriages....
A person I admire on this site, wrote a post recently about where she has come to at this point in her life....And her first statement was...."I regret I didn't leave long ago." I truly understand this statement....I think many here does....To be able to avoid all the pain that we have, and will experience, as the lawful spouse to a person who's mind is lost in denial, is a daily emotional gut punch, that has no ending as long we are with them...
I must say that I recognize the bravery, and commitment of the non-spouses who has and or making it work....I also applaud the ADD/ADHD minded spouses who refuse to live in denial, and expects themselves to do the marriage work, they vowed to do, without excuse....It's always possible with ownership....But sadly to many take the easy road of denial and blame...
As for myself...I had very little patients being alone after my first wife passed away....I guess I was the perfect storm...(My children were Christians, they were healthy and happily married, I held my wife's hand in the hospice unit, until Jesus took her hand into his hand, and took her home.) I was a believer, and knew the work was complete for her and I in this life....I knew after 30 years, I was free to be single again in this physical world at age 50...( Yes, I was scared to death, haha! )....My oldest daughter who was age 28 at the time called me and wanted to go for a walk...So we did....Unbeknowing to me (but not surprising, knowing the love her Mother had for me) their mother meet w/ her and her sister...She told them, that I had taken very good care of her...But, I wasn't going to do well alone...She knew me;)...So for them to support me, when, and if I remarried; so they did....(It must of gotten pretty interesting, she told them a name or two to make sure I didn't get entangled with LOL) my oldest daughter only had one request that day...Dad will you make sure she is older than me? LOL....We laughed, but, I think she was serious....I was a very young 50, or though I was;)....
So what is really happening in my life? I think by God's Grace I see things a lot clearer than I have in the past....I know it's not going to be easy if I continue to stay....I have no fear of leaving, (my life would be so much easier) but I do believe every word that Jesus said about divorce...(The gospel)...So I will just keep on keeping on....Thankfulness and counting my blessings is imperative for me to have quality of life....And just accept what is possible in fleshly form between us....(It could be worse) And don't forget to live, (don't dwell on her life, to the point it limit's my own!) But my Faith isn't in my or her efforts, or lack there of (Ive witnessed those first hand for 12 year now, WOW...LOL) But in the very present and abiding Spirit of my Heavenly Father...
I understand leaving, and I would never judge someone who did...I don't think anyone should suffer abuse....Is it better to walk away from abuse? or to stay and live in fear, walking on eggshells, and having an angry and bitter spirit?
It's amazing and sad, that many humans refuse to be responsible until they find themselves alone....They just aren't capable of not using others.....So we just need to make sure we aren't that person....And recognize if we are married to one....We should never put our trust in unstable places, it's guaranteed pain and suffering when we do.....
I love people; and If I've ever offended anyone here attempting to work through very difficult and unhealthy relationships, I apologize, and ask for your forgiveness...It's never my intention to hurt anyone....Truth alone brings healing, many times facing those truths can be painful....I've only grown in my pain....
Bless you...
c
Hey C, I feel your pain....
Submitted by Shelleyn on
Hey C, I feel your pain.... my dream also has always been to have a true loving partner to share everything with. Good and bad.... open and honest and not afraid to speak about anything. Just an awesome team. I work in a field which is senior citizen oriented and see so many couples who have been together 50, 60 or even more years...and so many that just know each other so well after their time together and are so respectful and loving to each other's needs and wants. It pains me to know that is impossible for my relationship. I just try to keep being a team in whichever way he will accept.
Take care.
Thank You Shelleyn....
Submitted by c ur self on
My Dad is in assisted living (will be 88 the 20th of this month) "Dementia unit"....It takes a special gift to do that job....Understanding, kind, and great patients....Dealing with my (add) wife takes some of the same virtues....
I have found that "Positive Manipulation" impacts her about as good as anything I've tried...But, w/ Positive Manipulation I can't engage negativity, I can't reflect negative emotions (act/react)...I have to discipline my life in ways that can be difficult for me....(Good for me and us...But, difficult)....
Many of the things I use on her, is the same things you use on dementia patients....Let them do the talking, be attentive, but, don't take much of anything serious..... (Serious meaning: enough that makes you want to respond in a corrective or excitable way) Never attempt to reason with them, no matter how crazy, selfish or dysfunctional what they are saying is...Remember, certain minds are incapable of understanding, or reasoning....And even if they can, and do understand, their reply's will be non-productive a very high percentage of the time, if they live in a mind that don't readily accept ownership of their words and actions... (And they will prove it, most every time a spouse attempts it)
When a minds first tendency, is Blame, Denial, or Extreme Selfishness, they are just as limited as many Dementia patients...Especially when it comes to the hopelessness of communication, comprehension and understanding....When we attempt to communicate, if I leave her with all she owns, (The working of her mind) and never make it mine....That is the healthiest thing I can do for her, myself, and our marriage....But it takes...awareness, care, discipline, and patients on my part.....In my humanness I lose that ability at times, and when I do, the product that presents itself encourages me all over again...;)....LOL....
c
This is really useful
Submitted by Innerlight on
I have been subconsciously doing what you advised as positive manipulation. My marriage turned into a complete nightmare and I have tried to get away unsuccessfully... I have now realised that the only way to tolerate my ADD husband is to ignore him when he is offensive. It is impossible to reason with him... This is literally the only thing that works... To not take anything he says seriously, ignore the constant negativity and only respond to positive behaviour.... This is really difficult((( Thank you for sharing.
is he getting treatment
Submitted by SamBamiteko_ (not verified) on
is he getting treatment
Book recommendation....
Submitted by c ur self on
I am reading a book that is the best I"ve ever read, as it relates to people....The title is "SAFE PEOPLE".....The Author's are Dr.Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend....The authors of the New York bestseller "Boundaries".....
This book is for those who are open, and desire to see their own blindspots....It also identifies unsafe people, and why they are unsafe....Many of the traits of unsafe people you will recognize if you live with a spouse (or have friends are family) who you can't trust, and refuses to do any work in the area of change....
c
Thank you, c ur self. I hadn
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thank you, c ur self. I hadn't heard of the book and just looked it up online. Knowing my background, you likely won't be surprised that I was struck by the appearance of "abandoners" in the list of types of unsafe people.
I made a note and will definitely read 'Safe People'.
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
C, thanks for the recommendation. I made a note and will definitely read 'Safe People'.
There is so much good info. there...WIGB
Submitted by c ur self on
I can always tell when I'm experiencing amazing moments... I want to keep replaying them.....When I finished Chapter 2....I had the thought..."This is such amazing helps and truths, I need to go back and absorb it more, before going on to chapter 3.
I think you will love it.....
c
I know exactly what's going on
Submitted by Dagmar on
I wast talking to my friend once about my childhood and she yelled out "OMG, THIS IS HOW YOU WERE RAISED! I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU SECRETLY LIKED BEING TREATED THIS WAY, NOW I KNOW YOU DON'T KNOW ANY DIFFERENT."
That was a surprise, but yeah, I didn't realize that things could be different until I was too old to make a change. (I wanted kids and after 6 years of infertility treatments, I knew that if I left him, kids would probably be off the table for me at that point and I didn't want to give that up as well.)
Yeah, I am mourning the loss
Submitted by shulk on
Yeah, I am mourning the loss of a normal life. I now know I'll never have one now. So much potential lost. So much I wanted in a normal marriage and family. So much I wanted to accomplish in life. Now I'll be thankful to God to make it out the back end semi-sane, not clinically depressed or suicidal, not fully jaded, and with kids who have a somewhat normal life. Unless Jesus comes back soon. Yeah. Then it won't get that bad. One can hope...
John 14:23
Submitted by c ur self on
He is here; just rest in him...Boundaries are the only way I found to deal with it...The majority of the boundaries I had to put on myself....Because as a loving spouse we can fall into that trust mind, when a little OK time passes....."Oh it's going to be alright"....But then reality slaps you right in the face, and you have one those "stupid you talks" with yourself....LOL...Hang in there....