Hi,
So, I know I've posted my share of negativity and complaining about how my husband's adhd symptoms have made me feel like I am crazy at times, but after reading so many negative comments by others I feel so sad for each partner of each marriage represented on here. And I would like to commit to posting more positive comments than negative from now on...I would just say positive, but I know there will be days I need to vent. And I would like to ask others to join me in this endeavor. Maybe encouraging one another more to change our perspectives will make all of our marriages better. I want to be more proactive in having a healthy marriage. Also, in reading about others' situations I realize how great my husband is in so many ways such as the fact that he works very hard and I have never been concerned about his inability to keep a job. He doesn't deserve me just dishing out crap about him when I'm pissed off. I know that I would be crushed if he did that about me. So here goes. I'm going to list a few things that are great about him to start with and a response that has helped our marriage situation.
1. He is very affectionate and gives affection upon immediate request if I'm ever feeling affection neglected. (this happens to be my love language :) )
2. He (even if it does not appear so) generally hears my complaints and makes an effort to do something about it. (of course this is not long term, but I appreciate at least the short term response)
3. He is absolutely, without a doubt the most generous person I have ever met and would give a complete stranger the last dollar on him. I'm sure you could see the potential negative in this, but it has never caused us any financial distress and he always reigns it in if I I think he may get carried away.
4. He is deeply committed to our marriage and I am confident in his love for me.
5. He almost always does the dishes, which happens to be my least favorite chore.
I have learned over time (even though I still fail at this regularly), and with the help of Melissa's book and phone seminar, to recognize when his behavior is adhd rearing it's ugly head and that has helped me to have more grace in responding to him. If I can mentally/emotionally step back from the situation and remember that we are on the same team and how much I know that he genuinely loves me, I can respond to him in a different manner depending on the situation which definitely changes the outcome. I see the adhd for what it is and the man I love struggling behind it; it almost always creates compassion in me towards him, and in the end our emotional bond is what matters. Everything else will pass away. People are what matter. I know this is kind of vague, but next time I will post a more specific interaction and how our responses to one another were different.
Oh, one more thing I'll try to just add quickly here, and this hit me like a brick just recently, but the simplicity of it makes it almost embarrassing to admit I'm just now getting it. So in recent arguments, when my husband was frustrated with me about something, I realized that he was approaching me in ways I have approached him, I mean exactly! And these ways I was approaching him were very immature, degrading, hurtful, even manipulative to try to get my way or point across. Wow, talk about how much that hurt to have it coming back at me. It absolutely crushed me to think that all these years he was enduring that pain from me. It's actually making me cry to think about it now. And at that point, in God's amazing graciousness, it hit me that DUH, the golden rule, 'treat others how you want to be treated' and I had not been treating him how I would wanted to be treated when approached about a disappointment. So needless to say, that reigned me in and though it has been somewhat hard to change my behavior towards him, I try to keep this in the forefront of my mind especially when I get frustrated with him. I think "how would I want him to approach me about this topic?" And I tell you what, I have seen almost immediate results. Simple, but hard to do, AND I CHALLENGE YOU TO DO IT TOO! <3 :-)
Best wishes and abundant blessings to all my nons and adhders alike.
This Kind of Anger Kills Me
Submitted by kellyj on
Dear Rh,
Thanks for this post....it was really great to read right now. I had fallen asleep while watching TV and was just woken up out of a deep sleep to my spouse venting anger at me for having the TV on too loud while she was in the other room trying to sleep. I opened my eyes to see an angry face and harsh sounding words coming at me before I had enough awareness of what she was even saying to me.
For me this is like waking up TO a nightmare. I also realize that the TV was not was she was angry about. What was really irritating her was something that had happened earlier today that was one of her pet peeve issues she has with one my ADHD symptoms.....and even though we talked about it and seemed to come to an understanding about it in terms of a compromise for the time being....I know all to well that her patience level had reached its peak today and nothing I could say or do was going to change that for her.
This usually happens on my day off like today when I have a need to rest from a long week at work and let my ADHD guard down and am most likely to forget something or not do something which is related to my ADHD.
Regardless of the circumstances.....it's very clear to me that she just needed to be angry....but waking me out of a deep sleep and ambushing me without warning is he worst thing anyone could do to me and she knows it. I've talked with her at length, many times before about approaching me with anger and my sensitively to it from my past. My fight and flight response is so quick in these situations that I have asked her repeatedly to approach me calmly and I will respond to her with open ears no matter what she has to say and I'm pretty good at honoring that request by not reacting back at her myself if it's something that I don't want to hear the vast majority of the time.
Tonight was simply retaliation and punishment and she picked the time when I was most vulnerable and unlikely to be able to defend myself. This is the type of anger and negatively that kills me. It's like reliving my nightmare past over and over because it feels so much like bullying and attacking which I experienced so much of when I was growing up.
This is the kind of anger that kills me and I've never found a way to truly get over it. I'm now wide awake and will probably not be able to get back to sleep for a long time until my nerves stop firing and I can come down enough to fall asleep again.
I think this could be ruled as an unfair way to fight with someone and I can say for myself.... I have never woken someone up while they are sleeping to pick a fight with or yell at them ....ever. Which is really irrelevant in this case since this scenario was custom ordered specifically for me.
Needless to say........this approach is an example of the worst thing someone could do to me in an effort to resolve a conflict..... and likely to have the greatest probability of me not responding well to them in return. I'm just say'in. lol ( I feel better now....maybe I can get some sleep)
Good Idea
Submitted by SanitySeekingHulk on
My ADHD partner DOES make me feel crazy, IS making me feel crazy, so much so that I am not going to walk across the room and tell him about his positive qualities, because he would latch onto those shiny words instead of the information I currently need him to be focusing on. But I will tell him about his up-sides later, when I can afford his distraction, and I think I might feel better if I tell you all about them now. And help me be nicer to him.
In the face of almost unbearable challenges that include horrendous finances, unfinished renovations, and infidelities:
*He really loves his kids. He doesn't tend to their nutrition, fresh air, or on-going developmental needs, but the cuddle on the couch and embraces at the front door must count for something.
*He is very clever and exceptional at thinking outside of the box. Sure, he mostly uses this skill to get himself out of trouble that he has earned for himself, and he can't think inside of the box to save his life, but I really do value creativity.
*He is tenacious. No matter how many times I growl and lose my temper over his failings, he is willing to try again -- in infuriating ways, with little insight and obnoxious stubbornness, .... but he stands back up and dusts himself off anyway.
*He is not boring. I have a serious disdain for those who do not have any passionate interests, and he is certainly never guilty of that.
*We have superb sound and entertainment systems. They may be eye-sores and financial and time black holes, but I never miss an episode of the latest sci fi show.
*He really, really loves me. He doesn't understand my complaints against him, is constantly baffled by my annoyance, and he can't change to suit my requests, but in his own, dumb way -- he is really devoted to this mess of a relationship, because he loves me.
*If I could handle flying by the seat of my pants, in perpetually flexible ways, he would be ecstatic to always prance through life, programming and debating in the middle of a crumb and mold-infested orgy with fast cars and loud music. And that sounds like fun. If I could handle it.
*He often takes out the trash.
Anyway. I think this was a good idea. In the middle of a tornado, when and where I can't see which way to go, it felt nice to mention the thin strands of why I stay (albeit not to his already huge ego) and why he deserves these chances to redeem himself despite the heinous symptoms. Perhaps someday I can note these to him and without reservations and qualifications! :)
xoxo