Submitted by tgirl on 11/14/2013.
So I have read a lot of disheartening stories here. I am currently with an adhd bf. Adhd has caused some problems, but we still love each other and we have talked about possibly getting married in the future. I am sure there are a good amount of successful adhd marriages. However, I see that adhd can also cause a lot of pain. What should i think about or evaluate about my adhd man before I decide to share a life with him?
'marriage'
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
Marriage is a life long commitment that most people don't treat with respect,not ADHD i am referring to but life in general.I married my spouse and biggest mistake i have ever made,i think that i just should have really get to know him better date for a 2 years or so then if i saw that we can agree,see eye to eye,share the same hopes and dreams etc.Nothing like that has happened to me/us.Intead it turned out to be very stressful,hard,painful,health going down from the stress,hair falling out,etc.
I rushed in to this and all he thinks about before was that i should commit now fully and only to him! that was the biggest mistake!!!!he thinks """marriage""" not """"relationship""",and that landed him in some serious problems with me,his expectations were rising like the sun on mornings and stayed there without going down.I/him,we were living a lie,he was very unhappy with the living arrangements we had and i was cool cause i was very happy to meet up with him on the weekends if nothing at all,but he was starting to get really impatient and he started nagging me constantly almost every fight we had he would bring up the same things over and over again.If we fought over a cup,he had to bring up the spoon and table too..he jumped all over the place during arguments.
Today i am a free woman from that! i feel alone,very sad at times,but i also feel happy to get away from the abnormal,abusive relationship.I went out last night and made new friends and had a great time..
every relationship is different,so i shared a few of my struggles with you and of course he was not always abusive we had wonderful moments together,especially when we traveled together on vacations,he bought me a beautiful designer's watch early this year but after all that did i really want to stay with him and still be abused,manipulated,dominated,controlled,mood swings all the time,etc etc etc...
I love him very much but that does not mean i have to stay and be bullied so i broke it off a few days ago and haven't heard from him since and i don't want to have anything to do with him ever again.
I think that u should hold back on the marriage thing for now not make that your first priority,maybe do a live in thing together try and understand his way and if you think you can live with his way of life lifestyle,then by all means marry the guy,but if you can't then don't marry him just continue to live together till you figure out what to do.ADHD relationships are very hard and it can be draining especially when you have to work 10 times harder than usual.I worked 3 years trying to keep us together without falling apart and then the little string that was there ended up bursting because i got sick,got bed rest for two days and i could not be there for him...i bought two books and read everything i could on ADHD and it really helped me for the 3 years we were together..you should read and understand as much as you can..
goodluck
lovehurts....
looking to where I am, I
Submitted by lovingwife.frus... on
looking to where I am, I would end things. I would not knowlingly enter a marriage with an ADHD spouse. All marriage is hard but this makes it so much more difficult. everything will be on your shoulders.
Dont live together as that is playing marriage. make a decision to end it or get married I recommend EXTENSIVE premarital counseling. I knew what I was getting into with marriage but not the ADHD. it is the single most thing that casues most of the conflict in our marriage.
I am that man. Married for
Submitted by Blurry on
I am that man. Married for almost 14 years. Two beautiful children, one ADHD. Currently trying to repair my marriage.
Someone else said to get extensive premarital counseling. Yes, yes, and yes. I can not be more adamant about that. Is he seeing a counselor currently? Are you? Are y'all?
I was married without the diagnosis. My son was diagnosed 3 years ago. I forced the appointment on my wife for my son. As I read about it, it became obvious I had the same problem. I started meds as well. I will be finding a counselor to work with my ADD this week.
You must also read and learn and UNDERSTAND the ADD mind and person. The first time I read the book, I wanted to call the police and have Mrs. Orlov arrested for setting up surveilance In my house. It described my marriage almost to a T.
Please learn all you can. Yes, being married to someone with ADD is challenging, but it is also fun. Learn about the possibilities. But do him a favor. ADD has many more positives than negatives when it is dealt with love, kindness, caring, understanding, forgiving, and mutual respect. When we are picked up and lifted by our success, we can fly higher than anyone can know.
A confidant man.
Submitted by Nonono on
Thank you for being brave enough to share. My husband fights it most of the time. He says he has to take meds. just to live with me. He is so terrible mean. Saying things like, he wished I would die, swears I am a liar, says I do not do anything...when in fact I support the househould. He contributes food money and takes care of the outside chores. He constantly puts me down. If I ask him even a simple question in which the answer means he has to do something it is a full on attack. Forget sex. He say's it's the meds I make him take. It is absolutely horrible living with him. So you may ask why? So please tell me what are the good positives. All I can see is no love, respect, intimacy, financial support. It is like I have a child. I know he was deeply into drugs in his early years and this no doubt made this situation worse. Where are the positives? I anticipate your reply. Thank you for any light you may be able to share.
What to think about? How about "Run!"
Submitted by BuiltToSpill on
I'm a guy with ADHD in a very stressful marriage. God knows ADHD people need love too, but it's hard for me to recommend marriage to an ADHD-afflicted person. I echo the comment about not having kids. I was able to cope kind of OK with my challenged brain when my life was simpler. But when we had a kid, life got a lot more complicated and lots of new kinds of problems and conflicts came to the fore.
Some here might strongly disagree, but I'd ignore the comment about "don't live together 'cause that's just playing marriage..." You all could live together for a while and learn a lot about how things would be, if you are reasonably self aware and if you pay attention. You won't learn much until the honeymoon period wears off, so be prepared to give it a few years. And you'll never really know how he'll deal with the complications of kids until you have one (and then it's too late to back out). But you might still figure out a lot about how the long term would be with your ADHD sweetie. If you live together for 3-5 years and getting married still seems like a good idea, then take the plunge with confidence. And if the answer is "no" then consider him the moral equivalent of your first husband, and politely move on with much less wreckage than a real marriage and divorce would have caused.
Your actual mileage may vary. Good luck. ADHD folks can be fun and very spontaneous, but they are notoriously bad at things like consistently picking the kids up on time, not losing the shopping list, and remembering things like your anniversary, or when the PTA meeting is..
I also want to add that
Submitted by copingSAH on
I also want to add that marriage with ADHD isn't impossible. Just be aware if one or both of the partners have anger management issues or emotional baggage/dysfunction going into the relationship. My dh and I were both mentally abused growing up, and it has affected the marriage in terms of patterns repeating themselves. It is difficult for the ADHD spouse to separate the dysfunction from the disorder. We don't show it in public nor to family/friends, but we're both hugely depressed people. He puts on a happy face and his family has no idea. I put on a happy face and never talk about it among family. I tried once, and they all told me it was in my head. Rarely do people understand what really contributes to the stresses of (ADHD) marriage. It's mostly the small things that add up over time. Working on our marriage takes every ounce of strength we have. When it's good, it's fabulous. When it's bad, it's really depressing.
marrying an ADHD man
Submitted by Ener on
Hi,
To answer your question:
When you marry, you need to be with someone who can carry at least half of the responsibility for earning, organising, decision-making, and a million other things when it comes to kids including communicating with them, teaching them, listening to them, disciplining them lovingly etc. etc.. fF you are going to BUILD a successful marriage together. I never envisaged what a marriage would bring in terms of the burden of living with an ADHD man. It's impossible to know when you do this that it's like setting off in a boat with a hole in the hull... you will be the one hauling the water out! Sorry to say this but it's just not a recipe for a long-term success due to the foundations being so rocky but you don't know this; can't 'see' it clearly: which is the most insidious thing about it: there's not enough known about the long-term effects on a relationship of this condition.. it really will wear you down. As he becomes more and more dependent on you, you will become disillusioned and exhausted and eventually you will have to face the reality that you have somehow, for some reason, needed to make yourself the 'doer' the organiser in this (likely) co-dependent relationship; but you'll run out of steam in the end.