My husband has ADHD and anxiety and depression. He chose to become his elderly parents' full-time, 24/7 caregiver a few years ago. Bad idea. The depression has gotten worse. I'm concerned about him. He's resistant to getting help. Last night, I looked up mental health clinics in the town where he lives with his parents (150 miles from our home, his old therapist, etc.). This morning, I called him and said that I am strongly encouraging him to get mental health treatment and that I would be mailing him information. I then told him that if he doesn't make an appointment with someone, I am strongly considering calling adult protective services on HIS behalf, because of his self-neglect. He responded, essentially, by saying I could just call APS now. How should I interpret this?
What would you do? Help for ADHD husband
Submitted by PoisonIvy on 09/21/2015.
Hi RoseRed
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
I just happened to be here on the Forum this morning!!!
I too struggle with how far I should stick my neck/nose into my spouse's life. I care for him. Do not want to see him implode on himself. This past spring he had a very bad - for lack of a better description - episode. I was scared. It lasted for several hours into the night. My spouse was deeply, deeply wounded in his heart soul and spirit. He had called his counselor/therapist/coach - what ever you may choose to call it. I followed up with with his counselor/therapist/coach with my own concerns. Actually fear. Their response to me was that my spouse had voiced his concerns and than had assured them he was going to bed. This is NOT what happened. My follow-up the next morning - it was suggested I should have called 911. And in retrospect, my spouse recently responded to me that if I had called 911, that would have been it. No clue what that means.
We just really need to find the place where we can cut that cord. Yes, we care. yes, we do not want to see them hurt themselves or remain in anguish.
Where this gal - Liz - is at today: I go forward with my life, continue to try to make the best decisions for my welfare, and have continued to love my spouse, and also keep up that boundary - "I love you. I hope you will choose to ask for help for yourself. It breaks my heart to see you in such pain."
The words - "If he did do something, it would NOT be your fault" are just hard to apply. That is exactly what I was told. I am living with that today.
Guilt. Responsibility.
RoseRed, we gotta do what we gotta do for our own best interest. It is not selfish. We CANNOT fix another. We CANNOT accept the burden to be placed on our back. We GOTTA throw that back at THEM. We HAVE TO.
Please keep us posted. Hang in there! Take good and gentle care of RoseRed.
Sincerely,
Liz
I'd take it as a signal from
Submitted by Bou (not verified) on
I'd take it as a signal from him that, at least in the moment that he said it, he recognized that he needs help.
24/7 nursing elderly parents, yipes, especially if due to ADHD or anything else, he's unable to notice other people's needs, respond to their needs, not his own in place of their needs , or roll with the daily punches of eldercare. ...the more advanced the needs of the elderly get, the more one has deal with unplanned situations that require bailing on one's own intentions, projects, plan for the day. Yipes.
I guess the million dollar question is whether or not he would accept and cooperate with someone professional taking him in hand, with advice, etc.
Edited to add: I agree with Liz that there's a maximum amount of intervention that we can effectively do for other people, and that it is darn hard to call it when that maximum has been reached. It's a tough call, though, because not only your husband but two elderly people are involved. Much sympathy.
Comfort, Love and Self Respect
Submitted by jennalemone on
You and I are in our own denial. We are so WANTING to believe that things can be salvaged some how in a good way that we are stuck in paralyzing mode. One of two things are true (what we don't want to be true). Either our Hs have mental problems beyond our abilities to cope or they are taking the easy way out, acting as if they are not married. They don't want to say the words, compromise, or do the work in relating to us so they just ignore everyone and go about their lives as if they are single and can do what they want without regard how it affects family. Your husband has some inheritance coming and you know that if you were to divorce you would not get any of it. You have retirement benefits and know that if you divorce your husband will get half of it. You both know that if one of you dies, the remaining one would get it all. At our age we know what we can live on and the thought of making it on half of what we worked for is very disappointing and somewhat maddening.
We can draw lines in the sand, give ultimatums, try to reason....none of those things work because our Hs don't seem to be on the team with us but rather have dropped out and are tying to get away with doing as little as they can get away with. My H and I have differing standards and ambitions. He thinks he has done a great job in life. I am disgusted with him and somewhat embarrassed to have put up with him this long. Yet, I don't do anything either. The problem is ME. Happiness in old age is comfort, love and self respect. It seems you and I must make the decision for comfort (of having enough money) OR love and self respect. We know living like this in our marriages is uncomfortable (painfully lonely and chaotic actually) yet we are afraid of the discomfort of what we imagine is "not enough money and loneliness".
I know what I should do. We should sell our lovely houses that we have worked so long and hard to make a happy home and give ourselves a chance to live in peace and self respect. I am working to figure out why I can't seem to make myself do that. H does not believe that we need to sell and move into something that we can handle better and afford in retirement. He will not talk about. So, I must take drastic action AGAINST someone I swore I would love and honor.....if I want to have self respect and peace.
I am quite annoyed that when
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I am quite annoyed that when we talked last night about our marriage, most of the conversation was actually my husband talking about how depressed he is. So, I'm planning both to encourage my husband to get mental health treatment AND to file for a divorce myself. Marital property state: I wouldn't get any of the inheritance. He has more pension funds than I do. I can live in the house myself. I'm just doing due diligence with the mental health treatment stuff. But I truly am confused about H's statement about calling APS. Does he really want me to? I'm willing to do it and probably will, next week sometime.
What do you want?
Submitted by jennalemone on
He is in part calling your bluff, part wanting you to do that so he can tell people how crazy and difficult YOU are, and partly he was just being impulsive and sarcastic in the moment. He doesn't know what he wants and doesn't want to think about that. He is showing you by his actions that he does not want the responsibility of maturing, growing up, being a willing contributor to his own family other than his parents -- who have some money if he can just keep them out of the nursing home. (But he is thinking of himself as the loving son who is taking care of them....he is also taking care of his money - for himself). That is not a totally bad thing if he were a single man, but his allegiance should be to you and to work this out together rather than retreat into a world where he feels safe for himself and leaves you alone.
He has shown you what he wants.... he wants to be left alone and live with his parents and be a good boy (man child) ....sounds like he has been getting that for himself for a good long time already. Here is a difficult question I have raised on this forum before (for myself) and something that I have so lost sight of I am getting counseling to find our for myself. What do YOU want? Can you live in your home or must you move? Do you have support system you trust? Do you have faith in yourself to be strong and find a life of peace?
Why are we clinging on to someone who obviously does not care for us?
You are so right, jennalemone
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
You are so right, jennalemone.
The diary of a Wimpy Kid
Submitted by jennalemone on
I will say that we are clinging to our concept and devotion to "marriage and family" that we feel strongly about. Here is where everything gets painful - We are working so hard and allowing many compromises to keep a good environment for our children and grandchildren. Yet, as we are seeing more and more, the families who stay together for the good of the children are not always the best.
What are we teaching/modeling for our children and grandchildren if we live in a marriage without intimacy and love or open communication? How can we be real and relevant unless we are honest with ourselves and with all family members? We have come to an impasse....H and me. No more talking. Talking gets us nowhere. The fact is that I have been living in hope and denial (a coward's way). I was not modeled or even permitted to think about how to stand my ground in adversity. It has as much to do with my upbringing as it does with H's ADD or immaturity. I was not given the permission to live by my life's desires but rather is was commanded that I live to serve...especially my husband. That is just not working. I was unconciously teaching my sons and granddaughters to be unselfishly docile and servile.
I thought maturity meant that a person was willing to work for something they thought was important. I thought family was important. Instead of permitting myself to walk through the pain of confrontations and breakup or the fear of risks, I worked and worked. It did not work. Maturity also means being self aware, doing things that you are afraid to do but knowing that it is better for all in the long run. Maturity means you can handle yourself is oppressive and disappointing circumstances. Maturity means you take care of your health, your self respect and that you find real love. I had kept myself small and tethered to someone who was not a good fit for me.
Due diligence, and when IS enough really enough.
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Jennalemone,
In responding, I must say I agree with most of what you posted!!!
1. "I will say that we are clinging to our concept and devotion to "marriage and family" that we feel strongly about. This is accurate for my life, too. In as much as "My Marriage" was the result of what I added to it - I wanted to make gosh damn sure I did everything I was supposed to do. Perfectionism leaked in. I do set the bar high for my own standards. What I see in the rear view mirror: Liz was trying to do it all.
2. Here is where everything gets painful - We are working so hard and allowing many compromises to keep a good environment for our children. In balance, this is a very good thing. IF, IF, IF there is a give and take in the compromise - which is the very definition of compromise: settlement of differences by arbitration or by consent reached by mutual concessions. b : something intermediate between or blending qualities of two different things LOL!!! In seeking help, I found a lot of "Look at yourself Liz. What are you doing that is contributing?" Hmm, in thinking about that line as I typed it out - I only knew what I knew, which in a nutshell was "Gosh I must be doing something wrong." I do not remember being pointed/directed/lead to see that I was doing too much. Or enabling. Or that as a good Christian wife I was anything but ungrateful, undeserving, and should be thanking my lucky stars I "had a man who loved me so much he was willing to provide for me."
3. What are we teaching/modeling for our children. This has been on of my biggest motivators. Taking responsibility for my own actions, and now modeling to my daughter and my son better ways to communicate. Not by bashing their Dad, or myself. Not by belittling him, or myself. Not by blaming him, or myself. By standing up, taking responsibility for what I choose to do TODAY, and modeling to them how to be strong and make a difference in their life if they so choose!!!
4. How can we be real and relevant unless we are honest with ourselves and with all family members? Amen!
5. I thought maturity meant that a person was willing to work for something they thought was important. Huzzah, it does!!!
6. I thought family was important. Huzzah, it is!!!
7. Maturity means you can handle yourself is oppressive and disappointing circumstances. It does, and it means you can be honest and change what is not working for yourself.
The one area of this post I did not agree with is the three little words at the end of this sentence: The fact is that I have been living in hope and denial (a coward's way). I am not a coward. I will not take on any negative label. I do the best I can with what I have. When I know better, I do better.
I do not want to assign blame. I want to do better because I know better. If the man I am married to chooses that, we may have a future that can be re-negotiated and re-built. If what I have in my marriage is a man who wants me to remain as I was, it is not gonna work for Liz. Not by any means. Not any more.
I am valuable. I have a lot to offer.
Liz
Amen Liz;)
Submitted by c ur self on
I've read your posts for quiet a while...and just want to say I love your answers to Gen's, post and I love what I consider great progress!
C
this is my thought....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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He chose to become his elderly parents' full-time, 24/7 caregiver a few years ago. Bad idea. The depression has gotten worse. I'm concerned about him. He's resistant to getting help.
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When I read this, I very much doubt that he truly is their "full time 24/7" caregiver. Do I think he's there 24/7? Yes. Do I think he's working 40+ hours a week? No. I think this "job" is a cover...and escape...a way for him to pretend to you and others that he is "working hard."
The reason I think this is: His depression has gotten worse....that doesn't sound like someone who is "working hard" and working for long periods of time. I have taken care of elderly parents so I know what is entailed with that...there is a lot of down time...a lot of waiting in doctors offices....a lot of sitting, watching TV, etc.