After years (11 now) of trying to come to peace with what is possible in my marriage relationship...I have gotten there....I guess the reason it took so long, was because, I knew deep down I wouldn't like it....And I don't..LOL.....Shortly before I found this web site (6 years ago) I had some break through's, when it comes to the working of an add mind, and most importantly denial by the adder....I've read and written many posts since that time......I was just looking at one of Melissa's comments about denial...."It's denial that causes divorce she says"...And I understand that completely...And as anyone here who deals w/ denial in an add/adhd spouse can attest to....Unless you are willing to face your tendencies, and not excuse or justify the impact on others, then it's going to be impossible to sustain a peaceful life w/ your spouse....You may survive your co-workers, friends, and even your children in part...But the person you are sharing your life with, (one flesh with) will be effected by everything....
Is this post just about add/adhd?...No, it's about any of us who are in denial concerning the impact of our behaviors, add or not....I will ask one question here....If an adult is upright, working, living, breathing, thinking, is it still possible for them to not be aware of the effects their behaviors have on their spouse?? I know they can feel hurt, pain and disappointment when it's being administered to them by others...But does it work both ways for their minds?...Or is it just justification and self absorption, because they are that uncaring?? Or, do they internalize their plight in life (the working of their minds) as being broken beyond repair (in capable of any real change?)....thoughts??
I've read (and wrote a few myself) many posts that starts out w/ my husband or wife is a wonderful person...But, then goes right into how he or she is destroying my life w/ behaviors that they refuse to recognize...Refuse to try to work on, etc.....What is this?? Isn't this denial??...I have all of this good positive energy I put forth on self entertainment, and even helping others in need...But the one thing I am truly accountable for, the work of a H/W I refuse the responsibility of. At some point each of us who lives this way, probably should give our spouse a real answer.?????...At least if we cough up our own heart felt truth about our actions, or non actions....Our spouse can make their life decisions based on attempted honesty...
One of the hardest things for me in dealing with our marriage dynamic is... There is nothing I can do to HELP, her w/ her struggles...There are things I can do to make it much WORSE....I can add to her defensive nature and create stress and anger in her by...Saying something about her behaviors....Pointing it out!...I can also self inflict more pain on my self, by continuing (after 11 years of denial) to place expectations for her to change....
(IMO) One of the hardest things for all humans to accept is..."Loving someone, who doesn't return it"....There are a lot of good tear jerkers (movies) made from this concept.... I really love "The Holiday" 2006...Jenna was saying something about being a romantic makes it much harder to endure the abandonment and disinterest....I agree w/ her 100%....The opposite of human Love is probably Indifference....
I have accepted my wife's loves and life style (the things she places her time, energy, $, into) but it really doesn't make the reality of not having a committed spouse by my side, being attentive, showing love and concern, any easier to deal with....So my one BIG thing is definitely the loneliness, that being married to her produces.....
With work, and acceptance I am learning to live again, for the most part without resentment....I know I'm important to those who do love me, (God, family, friends, grand babies :))) they are awesome!) and that is really all that matters....I'm not going to waste the blessings of each new day I'm afforded, being held hostage by someone who's placed US in such low priority in her life....As hard as it can be to accept, it's not my deal...I just have to make sure I don't mirror it.....
I've given her the same wise advice I attempt to live by...Don't get to the end of your life w/ a bunch of regrets (Especially since we know better now!) ...It can't be a good feeling to get the bad new from the doctor (if we are afforded time to see a doctor) and all we can think about is who I need to beg forgiveness from....
What's your one BIG thing, that you've accepted, (or not) that makes your marriage relationship feel empty/wanting??
c
That one thing
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
This is a good question, C, and I share your response of loneliness. I feel so alone. The lack of companionship it hurts most of all... it's the absence of those adult conversations and the camaraderie I see with other couples and used to enjoy myself (in hyperfocus mode). In my marriage there is also absolutely no intimacy either. And after 9 or so years of that, it's pretty darn lonely. He is addicted to porn and has no interest in a real person anymore. Sex aside, he doesn't kiss or hold hands because of "germs." It is a complete lack of physical contact and I am such a touchy-feely person!
We are also not on the same "team." If I look at a room that hasn't been painted in 12 years and talk about freshening it up, he immediately has a mountain of reasons we don't need to do it. I end up doing everything alone, from painting that room to watching TV at night to parenting to staying in touch with family. It hurts so much. I insist that we eat as a family every night. Tonight as we all got up, he said to me, "Have a good night." Of course he said this because that 10 minutes of dinner was it for the day. He will now retreat to the basement or go out and leave me and my daughter alone. If I didn't insist on dinner, we wouldn't see him then either. "Have a good night..." like I am the cashier he has just spent a few minutes with at a grocery store.
I accept that this is the way it is and without treatment or awareness on his part, this is my life. For now. I also accept that I am I am a woman in my 40s with choices and I don't have to let this be my life forever.
The one big thing that I
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
The one big thing that I sometimes accept, sometimes don't accept, is my ex-husband's communication difficulty. Not talking, not responding, and not wanting to talk about particular subjects were and are the main problems. I accept that these problems would not improve after our divorce but I did think that he might make "exceptions" to the ghosting behavior in serious situations. Well, we're in one now (one of our adult daughters is getting tested this week for a serious illness), and my ex is not communicating with me.
The One Big Thing I accept now
Submitted by jennalemone on
I have accepted our married history/story together and I have stopped trying to change it or paint it with a prettier picture. I had been living in a world where I denied and hoped that our marriage, and my husband would eventually at least be OK. I told myself over and over for years that it was OK enough and that everyone has bad days or years and that things are not perfect for anyone. Now I realize that all my rose colored glasses and positive thinking and prayer over the past 40 years did not make things OK for any of us. It just didn't happen to turn out OK. My marriage is bad. And that has to have had a bad effect on our children and H. I am becoming more OK because I am accepting that our marriage has been a failure. That doesn't mean that I have to leave (too late) but I am no longer trying to make our relationship something other than what it is - than what it was. When I look back on the tears and heartache and shame, and now feel the aloneness and isolation, I realize I did no one any favors by "making it work", by "sticking it out", by "hanging in there". I am accepting that I permitted myself to suffer the humiliations and bear the loss of my self respect that essentially makes me the woman I am today - not a proud one but one that is realistic and on the end side of history. In today's world the "good girl" is a ninny and the "in your face independent woman" is the woman of the hour. Society molds our standards of people. My mother's era judged women by if they were good homemakers (clean house) and if they were able to keep many children "in line" - obedient and respectful. Men used to be judged by "earning a good living". Now men are judged by their compassion and willingness to take part in family life. I accept that we do what we can the best we can at the time and with the best resources and information that we have at the time. I accept that I did the best I could. The fact that the failure of the most important relationship in my life is a failure is the hardest thing I have had to accept.
To add to that, I am accepting that ADD is probably something that H has been living with all his life and that there are probably other conditions going on...maybe ODD. Even though we don't know because H will not even talk about it much less get help. The fact that he lies, teases, is so disconnected and mean and impish don't have to be part of his response to any conditions. I am seeing him now as a man who does nothing to help himself or want to grow. Who takes out his frustrations on his family. I am accepting that it is my lot to suffer the unattended diffictulties. And I am accepting that I would be wise to take NOTHING he says or does personally to heart because he verbally lashes out and disconnects. So I must accept that there is no trust or intimacy.
Confusion....
Submitted by c ur self on
It’s so so difficult to avoid confusion, when we judge our lives (time lived) based on the malcontent we feel being married to someone we cannot be fully at peace with... (connect with).. (healthy attachment)...We end up questioning our principles, convictions, and commitment, just trying to find some kind of normality...Your stories break my heart...Melody, a normal husband would appreciate you, want time with you, and love intimacy with you.... Jenna, everything you question about your faith, your principles, your love for romance and intimacy, a normal husband would be so appreciative of, and thankful for, these wonderful traits in his wife...Poison Ivy never allow your ex’s indifference to effect the normal desire you had for a healthy loving attachment...We are human, and we must deal with our own faulty thinking, feelings and behaviors..BUT, we must guard against confusion that occurs when we relate so closely to dysfunctional life styles...(people who excuse themselves from their responsibilities in their marriages, and are happy doing it.)... Never!!!! allow gas lighting to effect normal human emotion..,,Blessings Ladies, praying for u all...
c ur self
Responsibility
Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on
The big thing I have realised but am yet to determine whether I can accept and remain in this marriage is to do with responsibility of our child (4 year old). I don't feel I can rely on him to take adequate care at all times, to make sure all her basic needs are met in a timely fashion, and to plan properly for her future (schools, college savings etc.) Essentially, I feel ultimately responsible for everything to do with her. I don't trust him to be able to do it properly at this point. And as someone recently pointed out to me, it's like having all the drawbacks of a single parent with none of the pros. I have to do everything, but I get someone questioning me often about what I'm doing, sometimes, even arguing and telling me I'm paranoid etc. Can I accept that I can't depend on him in this regard, even though he tries his best. I don't know. That seems like a really big thing to have to swallow.
That's a tough one.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Having children w/ a man or women we aren't comfortable trusting, to deliver appropriate care, is not good...Seeing how the children belong to both parents equally (In life and in the law)....The children are always the losers in divorces, being dragged back and forth between parents....(even though it's not avoidable at times) I hope you guy's can avoid it....Hopefully he will step up, and be the parent he needs to be....I'm sorry you are having to deal w/ this concern....
c
Children - ADHD parent
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I really empathize with this, Exhaustedlady. This is exactly where I am at. I am a single parent in almost every way (one child, 11). I have absolutely had to accept that because he is simply unable to step up untreated. I have stayed because I know he is an incapable (sometimes dangerous through distraction) parent and I know the governing bodies would award him SOME time if we divorced... maybe a lot of time! Even if somehow it was only every other weekend that he had her alone, I would be too worried about her welfare. So I stay and work extra hard while it feels like he makes it harder by questioning or criticizing in areas he has no knowledge in. He makes extra messes. He hurts her feelings often through his impulsive comments. She knows him almost as well as I do and keeps him on the fringe of her life, choosing to rarely interact and never to rely on him. It's sad that she's got this all figured out at her age and sadder that he doesn't see how much he has hurt her/us. In a few more years, she will have a stronger voice in choosing a parent to live with and I may be able to consider a change. But it has been a very difficult journey and I am sorry you are on it as well. On the bright side, I have the most wonderful relationship with my daughter. She trusts me as the reliable parent and we have an almost Gilmore-Girls-like relationship that I feel so fortunate for. I have read a lot about some children gravitating more to the ADHD parent's seemingly worry- and responsibility-free lifestyle, but in my case, my daughter and I have been able to forge a bond likely stronger because of the situation. If that happens for you as well with your little daughter, that alone just might make it worth all your effort and sacrifice. For me, it 100% has! :)
I feel sad for my daughters
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I feel sad for my daughters and for my ex-husband that they cannot rely on him and that he does not play a bigger role in their lives. But the flip side for me, too, is that I have great relationships with my daughters and they have not gravitated toward their dad's avoidant approach to life.
Also an update to my post above: My older daughter does not have cancer. My ex did answer the phone when I called him after my daughter gave me the wonderful news. I'm sure he was relieved about the good resolution to our daughter's health issue but mostly he talked about how terrible his life is. Sigh.
PoisonIvy... that is great news
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
You must be so relieved. I am so happy you got that wonderful news about your daughter. Hugs!!
That must be a huge relief
Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on
I cannot imagine the stress of having a child with cancer on top of everything else. I'm so glad she's well again.
Happy to hear your daughter
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Happy to hear your daughter does not have cancer. What a relief it must be for you and your family.
Thank you, everybody. I know
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thank you, everybody. I know I can always receive support here!
PoisonIvy
Submitted by Brindle on
Add my voice to the others who are happy she doesn’t have cancer! What a relief!
I guess it’s the loneliness.
Submitted by Brindle on
The loneliness encompasses so many things. Yup. It’s being alone.