I am not doing so well at all in my marriage with my ADHD spouse. we will be married for almost 3yrs and it has been so tough for both of us. We have been to marital therapy and it seems things stick for a week or so and then he does what he wants.
Our biggest problem is communication. I also figured out people feel and express love in different ways. my husbands way is by doing projects together. mine is by spending quality time together, (sharing ideas..etc...) When you add ADHD to this and the fact he has 4 children of his own from a previous marriage who also have special needs...life is very stressful.
Also We are still trying to fight to keep the house from a pay losse...and he insists on using the debit card even though he admits to being impulsive with his spending at times.
I have tried everything. I really have no hope anymore. I see he refuses to give up but I am at a point were I am not trying to fix the marriage any more. I am trying to save myself. Yet I walk around feeling sick to my stomach. I walk around with so much resentment towards him for all the times he has failed to do the things he said he would and more importantly for not having much empathy for me at times. I have major trust issues coming into the marriage and when someone repeatedly breaks their word and simply says they forgot...I have a hard time believe them on an emotional level. Yes, that is ADHD..but again on an emotional level..I don't believe him at all. I think he is trying to hurt me.
He tells me he loves me and that is why he is in the marriage at this point. He admits he is fairly miserable too. I can't even tell him I love him anymore. I don't even know if I do. Almost everything he does irritates me to death now. (yes, even his heavy breathing at night!!) I just wear ear-plugs and put a pillow over my head. Whenever he tries to hug me I tell him in no uncertain terms to keep his hands off me. The rage and resentment for all the unkept promises and huge fights has taken a toll.
I am resentful I have a spouse who is so distracted and forgets things all the time. I'm resentful that on date nights he tells me he has to work to pay attention to me. (I take that personal!) I'm resentful of the freakin pipe-dream he gave me prior to marrying him as this isn't what I expected at all. I am resentful I do not have my own child and have 4 who think I'm pretty "cool" but who will never see me or love me as their real mother. Yet their real mother is honestly neglectful. I don't get much appreciatation for what I do for them by anyone... in fact I get more guilt trips from his mother that I should do even more..even when they do not live with us. She does this because the biomother is so neglectful and has given up with her so she tossed the towel to me. Still she lets the biomother use her shower and hems her clothes and it's really messed up! I don't get any really attention from anyone. I'm just the maid/nanny/ NAGGING RESENTFUL WIFE!
I feel overwhelmed and it's affecting my health. I told him I'm at a pont where I am just trying to fix me now and where my head is at. I plan on going to Al-anon again b/c it might help with negativity.
I really need some objective feedback here.
Only you...
Submitted by dazedandconfused on
can decide when its time to throw in the towel. What stood out to me when I read your post is the amount of anger and resentment you have. That is not at all healthy. Have you pursued counseling on your own? You will have to get through that anger and resentment before you can even begin to decide what is best for you in the long run. Anger and resentment has a way of clouding your mind.
My husband and I have been on a rollercoaster ride since the day we married (about a year and half ago). There have been many outside stressors on our relationship. He has just been diagnosed with ADD and it has actually helped knowing that there is something legitimately wrong with him. I think the important thing is to recognize that ADDers do things there way with little or no idea how it might affect those around them. I used to take my husband's time management issues to heart... I thought that he was late all the time because he didn't care about me. Its been a revelation to me to not take things personally. Now we still have problems that don't have anything to do with ADD (although my husband would like to think so...he says that the ADD is the root of the problem, and he has to kill the root. I say that he has some serious emotional baggage but that's for another day.) I have been extremely resentful and unforgiving of some of his ADD traits, and I have had to work on it. While we have made some progress in our relationship, it only take a knock-down-drag-out fight for it to become clear that there are some serious issues that need to be confronted. My husband will be going to see my personal counselor tomorrow, and I can only hope that what he says will stick.
Hang in there... I know its tough. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place because I don't want to leave him (God help me...I love him), but I'm losing my mind by being with him. I know its hard, but try to isolate your relationship with your husband from the other stressors going on, even the kids. Kids will grow up, housing problems will go away/be solved, but divorce is forever.
thank you!
Submitted by susi78 on
thank you for taking the time to read my post and commenting. I feel so alone and don't really go to my family about all the negativity I feel b/c it will taint their vision on him. No one wins that way.
I too feel it has to be a painful dragout session before my point is made and what is frustrating is it hardley sticks. My frustrations is rooted in neglect basically. This hits me hardier b/c of my own prior issues of being neglected emotionally as a child and having a parent who thought the world revolved around her. So counseling along with Al-anon will probably work for me better than anything. I take his behavior extremely personal when it comes down to it. I have a higher need of attention and married him b/c at the time that was given to me in great amounts. Now it's not that way at all.
Anyway, I'm rambling. The resentment and anger is clouding my head so much that we just had a weekend together and I couldng get past my anger to try to enjoy his company. We argued the whole time and are now both miserable.
The saddness I feel is unbearable. I had such more hope it would better and ever weekend we have alone together we end up arguing.
In reply to Susi78
Submitted by cmosher51 on
You are not alone with feeling the way you do towards your husband. I have so much resentment and anger built up because of his ADD actions. We are going to counseling together and he is seeing a psychiatric nurse who diagnosed him with anxiety disorder and put him on Celexa. She didn't even test him for ADD. He is now having very angry moods and trying to provoke fights with me, saying he is tired of not having a marriage and I tell him that I am not going to shout at him no matter what he says and I am just hanging in here, trying to keep things calm but I don't know what is going to happen, especially as he now says that he doesn't have ADD when he obviously does. He still forgets conversations and is still doing the same things such as throwing away instructions and screws that come in a package and me having to dig them out of the trash. It's pretty ridiculous but I am trying to just hang in here and ride out the storm. Just wanted you to know that you are definitely not the only one feeling the feelings that are.
A life with ADD
Submitted by silvia58 on
My husband was diagnosed with ADD over 15 years ago. Medication did work, he said it was has if he could "see the world with different eyes, happy eyes". This did not last long, he yearned for his old self, he thought the medication changed him and was not willing to take it anymore. I am a planner, I like structure, I like to be on the go, I need to have goals and objectives, none of that happen in our relashioship. I had to fight for every little thing that we have. All this time I lived against a wall with no were to run and being accused of cheating, not being sensitive enough, not understanding. Every late arrival, late debt payment, failure in jobs, bad parenting, lack of emotion, lack of desire to live, not helping around the house, lack of motivation and everything else you can imagine was blamed on ADD. While I read books, and tried to inform myself, my husband sat on the couch and watched TV. in the last few years it has been "UTube", that is his favorite passtime. He is not the best husband and he will never be to me or anyone else unless he seeks treatment, he was never my friend, he was never my soul mate, he was never there for me or the kids. He was my "drug" and having him made me see the world with different eyes, my love for him is blind and will forever remain in my heart. This is not the way to live, I feel I have lived the same day over and over forever. Anything and everything that bothers the ADD individual will be tossed to the side, taken out of the way. You have been together for a few short years, I know you don't believe me now but time cures everything and you will get over it. I went in for the long run, and unless your love is just has blind as mine you will no make it, you are better off going your separate ways now than 15 years down the road or after you have children. Don't get me wrong, I am not an advocate for divorce, I was committed for life and if I had not heard the dreaded words a few months ago I will still be fighting. Some people want to go back to their 20's or 30's I alwas say if I take with me what I know now yes, otherwise no, thank you, I will be making the same mistakes again. If I had know then what I know now, I will have chosen another path.
Some information that you may need to know to understand the above:
30 years ago I moved in with the man of my dreams, the man I will love until the end of days.
6 months ago I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, 3 days after the man of my dreams said the words I though I was never ever going to hear, "I don't love you anymore".
Sure I was hurt and still am, I was confused, mad, angry, sad and never felt more alone in my life. Chemotherapy is over, still a while to get back 100% but the worst part of these last 6 months was not the treatment, was not the 2 surgeries, it was those words I never though I heard. I had two choices, fight for me or fight for him. I giving him 30 years and I am not willing to give any more, not now, can't afford it. We have two beautiful children, still living with us, adults now but also ADD positive. I am a survivor, it takes a lot of strength and you cannot stop fighting. There were many rewards in the last 30 years but the many heartaches cloud everything. Only now, that I have made the decision to leave and be on my own is when I slowly start to remember more and more the good times. In the next few months when I finally move out I will remember more and more and enjoy my memories rather that suffer through the daily grind.
I still love him with all my heart and that will never change but I cannot allow his ADD and his decision not to act or do anything to destroy me. My husband is a very intelligent man, he has the potential to be anything he wants and he chose to be the ADD guy, it is easier, it comes natural and no matter how much I say or explain or doctors explain, to him it is not worth the effort. He just does not understand that it was easy because I took the family on my shoulders and was there to do his job and mine, wish him the best once he is alone but I know he will crack under pressure. Responsibility is not his forte, neither is keeping appointments, following orders, have a schedule or waking up on his own to go to work on time.
Not sure if this will help, you, it is only one small dose of what the future looks like, don't want to discourage you, please understand that I love this man with all my heart and no one ever was able to make me see anything wrong with him and many tried.
Wish you the best of luck.