I am new to this forum.... but am bang in the middle of yet another crisis... so here goes.

I have been with my ADHD husband for nearly fourteen years, and all that time, despite all of the research I've done, despite the fact that I consider myself to be a very strong woman, despite the fact that I am clinically trained to a fairly high level and supposed to know about these things.... I have always managed to convince myself that it was his ADHD that made him behave so badly towards me at times....

Yes, he will sometimes hit me.... I would sometimes have bruises on my arms or head.... but not bad ones... I've never had to go to the doctor or anything about any of the physical damage he's done. But it's the emotional, psychological and financial abuse... that I now recognise as abuse... that has caused the most damage. Now that I've twigged, I've made a list as long as my arm of things that he does which are generally considered to be emotionall y or psychologically abusive... the name calling, the constant criticism, the threats, the reckless driving, keeping me awake when I'm hanging or ill, leaving nasty phone messages.... I could go on....

We are seeing a family therapist....but I just know he won't know enough about ADHD to answer this question....

How much of this is it realistic for us to try to help him to change? the impulsive spending which leaves me unable to manage our finances? the lack of help or support looking after the kids? the lack of rest because he wants to argue half the night? can any of these realistically be changed? I am really way past caring about the consequences for myself, but I have to make this right for my kids sakes.....