We are in our 8th year of marriage, with 2 children under 6. My husband was officially diagnosed with ADD when our son was 2, his is co-depression. He has had at least 18 jobs, one third ending in two weeks, the longest job he held was 9 months. Most of the time we are not insured such as now. I haven't had a regular checkup in about 3 to 4 years. I have the children insured through the state which is now being terminated since my ADD husband forgot to put the envelope they requested in the mail. One of deals, was he is to fix part of the mess he makes. All he had to do was put it in the mail. Both children need speech therapy, but money allocated for medical has always gone for his doctors, Yes four years of therapy, coaches, lists and medicines have not improved his lack of organization and time management. Two of the biggest reasons he loses jobs. He is also quite arrogant, this has cost us bundles because he believes he is smarter than all others. The sad thing is he has a masters degree and is professionally certified and he has been sober for 15 years. He has no recall or common sense and sometimes it is not ADD, he is just lazy. I work part time at my children's preschool and have received aid to pay for their school. We have little debt because I manage the bills and although we live in a old townhome, we will not lose the house. I have given him until June to write a plan and put it in action, using all the advise he has previously ignored. He has to secure a job any job. I am sure I am depressed but really do not have the time or money to pay for me to go to anyone. My children watch more TV than I want them too because I spend the afternoons cleaning the house and fixing the messes he makes. When does marriage with an ADD spouse become more hurtful than helpful? When is the best time and way to separate from the chaos and unstable enviroment? When is a marriage to an ADD spouse bad for the children? Does anyone have any advise or examples of what I would face after the divorce?
When do you get out of a marriage to an ADDspouse
Submitted by martoadd on 01/23/2009.
I feel I am in the similiar
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
I am truly sorry
Submitted by martoadd on
Unfortunely, our situation has esculated, his resume is in such bad shape the only job he could get was with a bad business man and now he has worked for free the last three weeks. Of course, he has also lost his unemployment benefits. I have now fallen into a deep depression, a realizing of lost dreams and hopes for my children and life. I am trying to make the last break and head for separation. I read about successful ADDers and their non-ADD spouses problems and I wish that was all I had to deal with. What really happens when a person is not successful with ADD despite all the help given to them. I am not sure how I am suppose to be okay with this. I am at a point of making him pay for his own help and me using the money I make for the children and myself. I don't know, wish someone did. I imagine you have tried everything, I wonder if they could get disability to cover their medical needs?
Your situation sounds far,
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
When to Get Out of a Marriage
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I think there is no specific set time or incidence that can be held as a "rule" for when you should leave a marriage - each couple has to figure this out for themselves. Your case sounds very dire, and your gut instinct is telling you that it's time. Unlike many people who are at this site, you husband has tried to treat his ADD for a number of years and had little success. This doesn't bode well for his ability to change things in the future, unless he discovers he's been misdiagnosed or suddenly sees things differently. In addition, his job record is really a problem particularly given his level of education...again, there's not much room for improvement there - he can't improve his skills by getting more education...which means his issues are harder to deal with.
What you will likely face after divorce depends in part upon how you get divorced. Statistically, you are more likely to have a "friendly" relationship with your (then) ex-spouse after divorce if you use a mediator, rather than divorce lawyers, so this is a route that I might suggest for you. Likely you'll feel more stable because you won't have the unknowns of your husband's erratic behavior and job history hanging over you, but will for some amount of time have less money (you will most likely have to split your assets, including what you have in your house. Some women I know who divorce and keep the house end up being "house rich" and "cash poor" as they buy out their spouse's interest in the house.)
You will want to answer some questions, such as "how will you make your living?" and "where will we live?" and "how will I feel if my spouse gets joint custody of the children"? Joint custody issues after divorce is one of the biggest reasons, in my opinion, to make it as "civil" as possible if you do decide to call it quits (hence my suggestion about a mediator...things tend to break down with lawyers involved). I don't know your situation as a single person would qualify you for any financial aid that you are not currently getting.
As for the "hurtful" vs. "helpful" question you post. What do you think? What does your husband add to your life? Do you feel that he is a good person? You are the only one who can answer the helpful/hurtful question.
You sound as if you are a responsible person, so I would guess that your children will survive either a divorce or your staying married. My personal point of view on this is that the best situation for children is one in which the parent(s) are happy and have the energy to give and love. I've seen some truly inspirational single parent households, just as I have seen some wonderful dual parent households. But I've also seen some really miserable dual parent households. In other words, it's not the configuration that matters so much as the people who matter. Again, you will always be connected to your current spouse through your kids...so if you do decide to split the best thing you can both do for your kids is decide to a.) not involve them in any way that can hurt them and b.) keep their best interests in mind when making decisions about your split.
This is not an easy time for you, and I (and all of the readers here) wish you luck.
divorce?
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
You are very clearly not a
Submitted by Heather (not verified) on
To Heather
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Red flags all over the place here, Heather. Your anger is intense, and you are taking it out on the wrong person. And, are you married yet, or are you engaged? It was unclear from your post. If you are engaged (and the same person I was writing to in a different part of the forum) I suggest you consider standing back and taking a look at your relationship and your needs.
The fact of the matter is this - it is NEVER just the ADD spouse's (or fiance's) issue that creates the unhappiness and discontent clearly visible in your post. YOU ARE ALSO CONTRIBUTING TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS and your anger is evidence of this. Your disdain for the poster's questioning whether or not someone was looking at their own contribution is misplaced. In fact, one of the biggest issues I see on this site (and I did the same thing myself, so I'm not passing judgment here) is that non-ADD spouses tend to discount or even ignore their own role in how their relationships play out.
Being married to an ADD man does not need to be a trial - it can be a great joy. But being married to an ADD man will ALWAYS be DIFFERENT than being married to a non-ADD man. Expecting an ADDer to be a non-ADD is a recipe for disaster. I would feel easier if I "heard" through your post that you feel empathy towards your man for his behavior this week (whatever it was) but instead what I hear is strong disapproval and anger. Not a good sign.
So, you need to ask yourself a few very important questions BEFORE you tie the knot. Do you love this man for everything that he is, or do you love only parts of him? Can you work constructively around his ADD traits? Do you have faith that the two of you have a partnership that is strong enough to work through your trials together, or have you already slipped into a relationship in which you harass him into being a certain way (your comment about the 3 year old is telling - you don't need to be his parent but his partner...and acting as if you are his parent - or seeing yourself that way - will bury your marriage)? Are you ready to be in a relationship in which the work is not evenly distributed? Are you ready to be creative, understanding and loving even when he exasperates you? Are you ready to hold yourself accountable for your own behavior towards him (i.e. were you nice/respectful to him this week when he disappointed you)?
Forget the other poster. I suggest you work through some of these questions - perhaps talk with a close friend or counselor who can help you explore whether what you are getting yourself into has the wonderful, loving, fabulous qualities to it that every bride should feel. Yes, relationships are hard, but when they get harder (which they ALWAYS do) you need to have a base of compassion, forgiveness and broad-based love upon which to build - and sometimes even that isn't enough. Please make sure that yours is strong enough for the journey you are about to take.
If you are not engaged, but already married, I suggest you consider talking with someone to work through some of your anger...or perhaps find something else that can calm you a bit - meditation, etc. You sound very stressed, which is understandable, but unhealthy.
And by the way - generally speaking "doing everything you can" isn't the same thing as "doing everything effectively".
To Heather I agree with
Submitted by HT (not verified) on
To HT
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
HE TRIES
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
I agree
Submitted by lhicks1354 (not verified) on