Submitted by mangomom on 10/24/2010.
As a healthcare professional, I know my husband had ADHD, but he does not want to get additional testing or treatment. How does a non-ADHD spouse deal with that? Please do not comment about getting him into treatment or past denial. He has made that very clear. I only want to know how non-ADHD spouse copes without ADHD spouse getting the official diagnosis and treatment.
It might not be what you want
Submitted by SherriW13 on
It might not be what you want to hear, but if he won't get treatment then there may be very little you can do. Is he willing to read books and educate himself on the effects of his ADD on his life/marriage? Does he accept responsibility for his actions and fault in the marriage? (I assume his ADD is causing some issues?)
may not be what you want to hear
Submitted by mangomom on
Thank you for responding. It's okay for me to hear it---as I kept wondering what else could I do. There are classic ADHD issues. The books that I've read are so typical of what happens with us. He is not open to reading those and sees his behavior as isolated human behavior/foibles rather than a cluster of symptoms that need treatment. Yes, he accepts responsibility at times, but it is difficult to really change what you don't acknowledge. Even if he didn't want meds/therapy, just being able to name it would help. He does not want to admit to any weakness dealing with mental/personality, etc. even if it is neurobiological. It leaves me feeling like, again, I have to pick up all the pieces! I focus on the good things, good times, but one mind game can derail a whole week.
set your own boundaries
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
In my book there is a section on setting boundaries to be the best person you yourself can be. this would be a good place to start. Also, you may find that he would be willing to read my book, as many people with ADHD report that they find it very useful, even if they start out being in denial about ADHD. I think this is because they are able to move from feeling as if they are being blamed for problems in the relationship to understanding that pretty much ANY couple would have the issues you have if these particular symptoms are introduced. Once you depersonalize the request to attend to ADHD it makes it easier for the partner.
In our household my husband was in the same place as yours. By suggesting that I wasn't trying to change him, and that he had nothing to lose and everything to gain by at least trying some treatment and thinking about ADHD better he was able to overcome his resistance (his resistance was due to his feeling that I wanted to inherently change him.) Unfortunately, you can help yourself do better, but as a couple there are TWO of you, not just one. If you have a problem because the symptoms are in your life (he puts them there) then he, too, has a problem whether he likes it or not. So your ability to move your life forward without his involvement is minimal. You'll make some progress with the boundaries section, as I suggested, but won't be able to avoid the symptoms he is "forcing" upon you.
I Didn't Realize
Submitted by arabianhorselover on
I didn't realize that you were actually married to someone with ADHD. It is so nice to see that you have managed to make it work.