I'm wondering if I'm insane here. Yesterday I took my kids and we were gone for four hours. My adhd spouse is working on tiling a shower right now. He had two rows left (6 tiles) to finish the back wall. In those four hours me and my kids went to place a floral grave saddle at my dad's grave, went to two different craft stores, three home goods stores, got dinner at a drive-in (took a half hour to get our food) and went to a separate restaurant to pick up ice cream for dessert. When we got home, I expected to see my husband relaxing after finishing the back wall and maaaaybe even starting one of the side walls. Imagine my surprise when he was standing there just starting to put up the last two rows of the back wall. I said, "Oh... wow. (Truly stunned.) I thought you'd be done with that by now - it's been four hours." He immediately got defensive and snapped, "I thought you'd say that. I had to cut some tiles, take the trash out and go to the bathroom." So, I immediately started trying to piece together the time in my head to give him the benefit of the doubt - Maybe he cut up all the boxes for the recycling. That would take awhile. Maybe the bathroom visit was lengthy. Maybe he worked out a pattern and cut ALL the tiles for the side wall. I went for a walk to blow off steam, so I wouldn't be mean and said nothing when I came back. Today I went out and looked... All the boxes are still out there. None of them cut up. So trash would've taken 10-15 mins. There were maybe 2-3 tiles cut up, so that would've been maybe a half hour. Bathroom...? Half hour? So what was he doing for the other two hours and 45 mins? He didn't START the final two rows till we got home. So he wasn't tiling. All the advice for the non-adhd spouse is to not get mad or question them. He tried to cheat on me years ago and has lied to my face for years. So how am I not supposed to care that he can't account for nearly three hours while we were gone? Am I the only one dealing with this? It's absolutely crazy making.
Where did the time go?
Submitted by Hope is the thi... on 09/27/2021.
My ex-h struggles with "time
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My ex-h struggles with "time management." On the occasions he has been at my house since the divorce (i.e., when our adult children are visiting from out of state), he will spend hours on his phone, surfing the internet, and then act surly if I ask him to pitch in with a few chores. It is really annoying.
My husband did the same thing
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
This exact thing happened in my relationship all the time. He would promise to do something while I was out doing errands or taking our child somewhere and he would not do it. In fact, when I would open the door upon returning home, he would leap out of the seat he'd been in the entire time and start whatever it was just then. He'd get mad if I called him out on it. But he knew he was wrong... by being loud and defensive about how unreasonable *I* was being about asking him where the time went, he could feel "right."
I also wanted to reply because my husband used the act of "going to the bathroom" as an excuse for time ALLLLL the time and I couldn't believe when I read it here. This was constantly an event that ate up an hour or two almost daily. However, I knew he just brought his laptop in there and sat there on it, thinking no one can get upset with him if he says he's going to the bathroom.
I doubt it will improve without better treatment. Without him taking accountability, all you can do is remind him more often, which causes you to take on too much of the mental load and causes resentment. And it shouldn't be on you to do that.