I've been silently reading posts on here for almost a year now. I've been trying to hold out from posting because I know my situation is extreme but I am truly at a loss right now. My husband told me he has ADHD from day 1. He's never been medicated since his mom didn't want him to be a "pill popper" (a sentiment he agrees with strongly). I'm 19, he's 20. He's in the military, I'm a full time student.
During our dating relationship, everything was perfect. We even lived together and had no issues. Of course now I know it was hyperfocus. After we got married and moved across the country for his job, his entire personality changed. He lied to me for months about smoking and tried to convince me I was crazy etc. But that's not what I'm here to talk about.
He has the most explosive anger I've ever seen in my life. He has put so many holes in our walls. He's broken so many expensive things. If he starts to explode and I'm in his way, I get pinned up against the wall, thrown in the floor, slapped, etc. I know this is not okay. I thought he was getting better at controlling his anger but this quarantine and him being home 24/7 has made things so much worse. I can think of 9 or 10 instances where he's gotten violent in the past two weeks. Usually, he admits what he's done is wrong, promises to change, tells me he blacks out and can't help it.
Last night though, he literally showed no remorse. He broke his knuckle punching the bed frame last night and threw something and almost hit the dog. He told me it was completely my fault (what made him mad was I grabbed the towel he was using and knocked over a can of soda on accident) and that he wouldn't get violent if I just listened to everything he said. I understand I'm responsible for making him mad sometimes but that kind of response is unwarranted regardless of the situation, and I told him that. He was escalating and I told him he needed to get professional help immediately because I am not living in fear anymore. He said there is nothing he could do. I told him if he cannot do anything, I will simply call the cops next time he hurts me. Then he freaked and said he would divorce me if I did that because that would make him get in trouble at work. He said I was lying about the times he's hurt me. That he has never flat out hit me so it isn't that bad. He told me to leave him and then told me to stay and then told me to fly back home and then said he loves me and wants me to stay with him all within a twenty minute conversation.
I know this is all over the place, I'm sorry, I just haven't been able to talk it out. I know this is bigger than ADHD. I truly do not know where to go from here. I love him more than anything in this world and I want to make this work so bad. I know I should've left the first time he got violent. I know he'll probably never change. But I'm 2000 miles away from home with no independent income or way to get anywhere. I feel trapped in more ways than one.
I'm so glad you posted
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
It's hard to put a situation like yours out there. You have done the right thing by posting. Please trust your instincts... he is abusive. He will not change. It will escalate.You need to get out. All of this is correctly stated by you. People in your life love you no matter how far they are away and no doubt a family member might be willing to buy you a ticket home. It's always hard to get out of an abusive relationship but it's even harder with the additional complications of COVID-19 right now. If you ever get a moment alone (he goes to the grocery store or you go), I would advise calling a local women's shelter or the police for advice on how to handle this at this complicated time. A professional who has seen your situation over and over again can be more valuable than you think in offering solutions you haven't considered before. They can also help you leave safely.
You are so young and this doesn't have to be your story. You can do this. You have reached out and I would suggest you continue to reach out locally to resources that may be able to help you get out. You can do this. You're worth it.
I totally agree w/ melody....
Submitted by c ur self on
Here's a few thoughts...One, no matter what you say or do, it want stop, because he can't control that spirit....Do not consider your love for him as a reason to stay and be hurt and abused....To really Love him, you have to be wise enough to see his real need, and it isn't you!....He needs accountability, he needs a heart change, he needs time to grow up, And he needs to learn he must find healing from his explosive temper, to even be fit to be in a relationship....None of these things you can do for him....Your presents only gives him a target to blame, and bounce his excuses off of....
I agree w/ Melody...
I'm going to pray for you....
c
Pray for my strength
Submitted by HopingForChange on
You're completely right. I appreciate you & Melody for giving such sound advice. Pray that I get the strength I need to handle this situation. As usual, I woke up hopeful this morning that things could change, only for him to put a hole in the wall and break his hand because I asked him to brush his teeth which he does not do nearly enough. He broke down crying because I wasn't proud of him for not hitting me and hitting the wall instead, then led me to believe he was divorcing me and told me I'd be screwed without him. All of this over teeth brushing. I'm truly worried about his life without me. I know he will go down the wrong path because he has told me he will. I'm scared he'll harm himself or at the very least get in a relationship and hurt someone else. That's what's holding me back, knowing that he will lose all structure when I am gone. I can feel myself slipping into more and more depression but I need strength to gather the resources to make a change. Again, thank you all so much.
Be the fly on the wall.....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's so difficult to hear ourselves, and not justify our mothering....What would cause a man or women to think they have the right to tell their adult spouse to go brush their teeth.?? Or to instruct them like a child about anything?? It's hard to see that for what it is....The reason people like us get comfortable doing or saying things that are insulting to an adult (like they were a child)....Is simply because the adult doesn't live like a responsible adult, (lack hygiene, lack order, lack punctuality etc etc) so we end up being negatively impacted....So because of the fall out from the effects we easily jump strait to a disrespectful mothering role....What usually happens in our cases is...We start off trying to be a respectful and loving spouse (hopefully)...We may even attempt to have calm loving conversations to point this stuff out....But it continues because that is who they are....We can stay with them or leave them...But they aren't changing their strips...Not for us, not for them, not for no one....
So we end up justifying the mothering (because hey it's unacceptable behavior, right?)...Some times they know you are right about what you are pointing out, so they do it (like a child would) with out emotion....And every time it works (we get away with it, with positive results) we fall deeper and deeper into mothering role...Other times the disrespect causes emotional outbursts...Depends on the mood etc....I finally realized mothering is never OK....I can leave....I can shut up and set boundaries to protect us both....But I had to stop instructing my adult wife like she is a child, no matter the out come....(One of the hardest thing I've ever done)....A person really doesn't know how to set boundaries, and what boundaries they need, until they set that first one on themselves.....**I going to respect her right to live like she wants to, if we never have one moment of marital fellowship of any kind**.....
If me calmly telling her no when she is pushing for something that is unacceptable for me...Then it want get said (or shouldn't).....So much of marital conflict happens because of this one thing.....Most hot heads (anger problems) who are out of control emotionally, don't need a reason to loose it....But because we feel like we have the right answers for the marriage (peaceful sharing) we become the marriage instructor....And many times because we are right in principle, we justify the disrespect, we justify mothering an adult....
That's why so many counselors tear up a non....You go to a councilor together thinking this is going to be great, and as the non you are armed w/ all the pain and suffering because of the irresponsibility you've endured....But the counselor starts right in on personal rights....As they should....So not only are you not having any luck at home, getting any consistency of responsible adult behavior from your spouse,..But the counselor wants to talk mutual rights....See your husband and my wife, have a right to live like they choose.....And when you and I disrespect that right, then we are wrong.....
If you can't respect a person, if their behavior is so unacceptable and so unchanging....None of us should be there!....It only leads to all the pain and suffering so many us have or are enduring....I'm content that I corrected most of my mistakes the past several years...I'm content I am respecting her right to ignore her marriage responsibilities without me constantly pointing it out, (like she was a child) which I did for years, justifying it, for hope sake....
I can hope and walk away, I can pray.....But only harm comes from any action by me (any spouse) that revolves around pressing her into an unwanted state of behavior.....No matter how normal or right most might say this behavior I'm seeking is.....That's mothering!
I would guess I haven't spoken 20 sentences to my wife in a month (not counting today, death in the family) and it's been such a reality eye opener for me.....
Be strong, and remember I am praying for you....Don't engage him....Let him live....You live....You've tried, you're like me, you have worn yourself out worrying about what's out our control...Because we refuse to believe (accept) that we can't make the product we want (healthy attachment) come true....Well we can't...((((hugs))))
Turn your attention off him and full onto your well being.....I suggest you not offer any advice, or even any suggestive comments....Go day by day......I had to quietly remove myself from under her arms and let walk or fall,....I just couldn't be the crutch any longer....(it was my problem)
c
Don't engage what you can't trust.
Submitted by jennalemone on
c is right. I have the phrase, "Don't engage what you can't trust." on my screen discretely, daily reminding me to not engage. I, like c, have not talked to my spouse for quite a long time other than to answer questions or daily necessary communication. It lets me see just how little effort he is willing to put into a relationship if I am not prodding and enabling him. I have also taken on the attitude of being a fly on the wall in my own marriage...watching, removing my own emotions or feelings... to just get a true picture of H as he is. As he chooses to be. A loving person is just not there and has not been for over 40 years I now realize but did not want to accept all this time. He does not need me at all. He might not do well according to my standards but he would be fine by his own standards. And we would have probably both been happier living our lives apart.
There were romantic ideas in my young life like "Love conquers all.", "Be feminine." All those things were so bad for me to cling to, to believe in. They were harmful to me even though at the time they were thought of as good mantras. My new mantra "Don't engage what you can't trust", is working much better for me now not only in my marriage but with others too. I realize I have been a friend of the underdog, a helper, of service and in some cases they were none of my business, They were the way they were and it would be much better for me AND them if I were to just see who they are, accept who they are and leave them be who they are without my help or concern.
I hope you find a shelter...you qualify for the need. The shelters are probably busy right now and you will be one of many. The hardest part will be accepting reality and giving up the dream and having the courage and self respect to walk through your fear. Do something now while you are young enough to have support and energy. Don't be like me and have regrets because you were blinded by a love that was not there. Don't hope yourself right out of a happy life.
Most victims of abuse say they love their abuser. Until they are out. In fact, they believe they need their abuser. They believe their abuser needs them. They have not accepted the fact that their abuser does not love them and does not need them. In fact, they will do better alone with only themselves to blame if they are unhappy. I am sorry. Your friend is the truth right now.
This is so stinking Key for all spouses Jenna...
Submitted by c ur self on
***(It lets me see just how little effort he is willing to put into a relationship if I am not prodding and enabling him)***
All the wonderful things about two being one, are, always have been, and always will be, just that, wonderful! But so many of us have been propping up the lack of effort and energy coming for our spouses for so long we either forget, or just don't know what the Joy's of a healthy loving attachment is like...
To step away like I have, and like you are doing Jenna, will allow our emotions to calm down, we can see ourselves more clearly, and we can see our spouse more clearly...All the pressing and prodding as you so aptly put it dies....When that happens there is a time of system "shock" for both parties....But eventually the music of life starts back up....At that point choices will start being made w/ no pressure from one another....Total respect for each others rights....So priorities can surface, and there can be no excuses any longer for the life paths we choose...No one to blame!....At that point there isn't anything left to discuss or debate.....As for me, my heart must stay tender in Christ....I have been the 12 year aggressor, the seeker of love, respect, contentment in togetherness....She has been my vowed to be wife and my target for us to experience these things as one flesh....She has been the self absorbed one, the one who's efforts and energy has been placed on her entertainment and independence, to not be bound by a wedding vow or promise unless it's to her advantage or for appearance's....Anything she can control, and keep at the proper distance from any real emotions...
Now with my silence, and hopefully a man who can continue to experience peace. (by the abiding presents of my Lord) If the marriage drifts away as I expect it to, since it's for the most part a one sided love affair for going on 13 years....I know it, my family know it...My heavenly Father knows.....I want be smothering her with the shame of marriage truths like love and respect....She want be bearing any more guilt that I inflict on her....She is free to walk those paths she is now own, without any concern for what she isn't taking care of....I can't afford to waste any more precious time that God might allow me on this earth....Being consumed about a wife who never showed up....I've told her, the same thing I tell myself, and encourage each of you....Honor the right things, never get to the end of your days with loads of regrets that were built around your own selfishness....LOVE....
c
You are just lucky (so far) he has not permanently hurt you
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
'He has the most explosive anger I've ever seen in my life. He has put so many holes in our walls. '
ADHD is all about extremes. He is not showing you 'anger'; he is showing you rage. Rage that he does not control. You are just lucky (so far) that his uncontrolled rage has not permanently hurt you. Go to the airport. Have a member of your family buy you a one-way ticket home. Then contact an attorney. You are young and do not need a lifetime of torment. It won't 'get better' (no matter how much you hope it will.) Yes it sucks now but it does not have to remain that way for you. But YOU have to act.
I agree.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Although my ex husband never physically hurt me, he came close several times. His angry outbursts and rage only became worse as time went on.
HopingForChange-- Get out now. I realize that the situation you are in may be further complicated, due to stay at home orders in most states, but you need a safe place to go.
You wrote: "I understand I'm responsible for making him mad sometimes " That is incorrect. Your husband is not an animal, he is human and can control his emotions/reactions to others, if he wishes to.