I have been married for almost 27 years, and my husband has just been officially diagnosed with ADHD. Though I have been in and out of counseling, both with and without my husband, to try and find some answers and personal peace, I never thought to consider ADHD as something that was affecting my marriage. My husband has started counseling to help him understand and manage his symptoms. His focus is primarily on himself and has little to do with our marriage. Out of curiosity, I started googling articles on ADHD and marriage, and I was shocked to find out that my husband and I have a "textbook" ADHD marriage. The problems I have struggled with that have caused me so much personal pain were being spelled out clearly as common situations in each article I read. So many years of dysfunction and struggle, pain and anger, sadness and frustration. So much disappointment and unnecessary misunderstanding. What does one do now, with this knowledge, when you have lived more than half your life in such an unsatisfactory way? I am overwhelmed with the sadness I feel, but at the same time some of my constant anger/simmering internal rage, seem to be slipping away with this new understanding. I do not know what the future holds, but I hope things will get better. I am almost too afraid to hope for too much because nothing has ever really changed. -
The problems I have struggled with that have caused me so much p
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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The problems I have struggled with that have caused me so much personal pain were being spelled out clearly as common situations in each article I read. So many years of dysfunction and struggle, pain and anger, sadness and frustration. So much disappointment and unnecessary misunderstanding.
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What problems have you struggled with?
What kinds of dysfunction have you experienced?
Does your H have any anger issues? Substance abuse issues? Money-handling issues? What are the issues that you're dealing with?
Hi Cx5.....
Submitted by c ur self on
In so many cases where there is no understanding or knowledge of the effects of Add/Adhd on a mind, the marriage suffers...A spouse who is living with an add/adhd partner will assign intent to every word and action....Why not? We grow up being taught accountability by our parents and life in general. So a non's mind say's what ever I say or do is intentional...I have found out with my wife in many cases she will act or say something that she can't recall 3 minutes later, especially if her stress level or emotions are peaked....
So the product of years of assigning intent to these not so nice behaviors creates all the things you listed in us....plus many more in some cases....And of course there is all the other effects that many add minds suffer with like time management issues, sleep issues, productivity issues, memory issues, organizational issues, hyper focus issues, hoarding up issues to name a few...These things really effect a spouse, because we can't get away from them, there constant, and in many cases very intrusive....And in many cases denial is present, because the add/adhd mind thinks their fine, their way of living life is all they know, because it's how their mind works 24/7 in many cases...
It takes major understanding and effort to learn to not place expectations on them to be and think like you...And it takes major awareness on their part to realize what there actions and behaviors in many cases is doing to you and the marriage relationship....
So I suggest to you to do what I've been doing for the past two years; and ours is so much better...You need to deal with your own negative emotions, anger, bitterness what ever you see inside you...Just be aware of your own stuff and deal with it....It's hard, because you must get your eyes off your husband, and own your own emotions without pointing a finger at him....
As for you husband; the fact he has submitted to testing and counseling he is own the right road...I think it's going to get better for you guy's....
You've got to let the past go, and live each new day with a fresh hope, and thankful heart....Just try to count your blessings...
C
In so many cases where there is no understanding or knowledge of
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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In so many cases where there is no understanding or knowledge of the effects of Add/Adhd on a mind, the marriage suffers...A spouse who is living with an add/adhd partner will assign intent to every word and action....Why not? We grow up being taught accountability by our parents and life in general. So a non's mind says what ever I say or do is intentional...I have found out with my wife in many cases she will act or say something that she can't recall 3 minutes later, especially if her stress level or emotions are peaked....
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This is so true.
Just today we had an incident. H was upset that his recent ex-therapists did nothing for him. I told him it was because none of his recent T's were trained in taking a family history. The one he had about 20 years ago was, but then he didn't have a T for many years, but started again about 10 years ago, and those didn't have that training.
H asked me (in kind of a pointed way) why I hadn't mentioned that before. I told him I had, at least 3-4 times, but likely more. H had no memory of me ever saying any of this because when those discussions happened, he was very emotional and stressed, and during those times not only his he not listening very well, but his emotions/stress interfere with his memory.
He repeated his comments to me later and it was obvious that now he is more than just mildly annoyed. He truly doesn't remember the conversations that we had. Granted, they occurred a few times over a couple year period, but the fact that the conversations happened more than once, yet he has no memory of them, reveals how his ADHD-disrupted memories are flawed in a unique way. A "non" would likely remember these particular conversations, especially since they happened at least 3-4 times and none was a casual nothing conversation.
This is a problem because he's now acting like I failed him by not warning him...when in fact, I warned him several times. It's just that at the time, he was so emotional and attached to each of his therapists at the time, that he wasn't processing that they weren't doing what needed to be done...an exploration of his childhood history.
In fact, he often lamented that his T's wouldn't believe that he had any PTSD issues. And I had repeatedly told him that his T's keep saying that he couldn't have any PTSD issues because he hadn't been in a war or hadn't worked a job that involved seeing tragic events (like a paramedic, for instance). And, I told him on those occasions that his T's might think that way because they had never taken a family history or explored H's experiences with his abusive father, because they lacked that kind of training. But, because H was emotional at the time, he has no memory of those discussions.
It takes understanding...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
C is right.
It does take understanding not to expect them to say or behave like Nons. True.
But, understanding can only go so far. lol We might be more organized or less forgetful, but when the ADHD behaviors cause serious household or marital troubles, then being understanding isn't enough.
Incremental progress
Submitted by Emily1997 on
I so agree if you've got a partner who is willing to do their own work and learn to deal w/ the ADD that is huge and worth being patient. Meanwhile you can see if you can heal or let go of the past and learn tools to go forward also. Keep yourself healthy and be patient. Good counseling can really help both of you.