My partner has just been diagnosed with ADHD - well...sort of, not really. He was actually diagnosed at 6YO, but his mother never told anyone about it. My psychologist suggested to look into it with him, and that's when EVERYTHING became clear, 34 years later. In the 8 years that I have been in a relationship with him, we have gone through several house moves, him losing his job more than once, he has assumed that we were engaged to be married, a wedding that was cancelled at the last minute, he has cheated on me while I was pregnant with our 3rd child - pretty much our only happy memories are the births of the kids - and even those were under enormously stressful circumstances - and he is now attributing all of it towards ADHD. I feel burnt out, and as though my heart, hopes and dreams are shattered. On top of asking me to miss some pretty huge milestones in my life that I can never get back, AND displaying (what i see as) some pretty bad behaviour for a lengthy time, and whilst I realise that ADHD is a part of that, it's not the full story. He's now asking me to trust, forgive and support him while he gets his life together, probably for the first time. Haven't I given enough? Haven't i put up with enough? At what point do my needs and wants factor in to this? Would i be a cold, hard bitch if I left to try and put some semblance of a life back together for myself?
where do you find the strength to go on?
Submitted by eah81 on 08/19/2016.
"Would i be a cold, hard
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
"Would i be a cold, hard bitch if I left to try and put some semblance of a life back together for myself?"
HELL NO. You most certainly would NOT be, seems that you have been together plenty long enough to make improvments and to seek out what was going on. For me - any infedelity is out - that would have caused me to end things quick. But - things are ending ANYWAY because he doesnt feel like I am worth it or our relationship is worth even bothering to read a book about his issues. He didnt bother to do anything at all. Just giving you a disclaimer.
My first instinct is to tell you to get out, run away and never look back if you are mentally and emotionally prepared to do so. I wish I would have done it long ago instead of continuing to invest, continuing to do my part and continuing to put my belief and faith in someone who didnt deserve it at all. Now HE is leaving - because HE cant see it working... hilarious. This is where things get tricky... if you truly think this is a turning around moment, and your really do love him - then you CAN - WITH HIM - make good changes and have a good relationship. But, he has to do his part, and you have to set your boundries (of which it seems you have not had so far). For me personally - I would make sure that I had all my ducks in a row to make leaving as easy as possible, and separating out anything that could harm me should he have control over it and making sure I had total control. And while that was going on - if he could step up, start taking steps to manage his condition, and SHOWED IT with actions (words are literally meaningless) - I would agree to work with him.
Only you can decide what you can live with, and what you really want. But its been my experience that my H only steps up when he actually wanted something. He is leaving, and while it hurts - I am OK with it, and I know that once he is out of the house, and I can start healing - things will be alot better. SO MUCH STRESS will be relieved. And while there will be new stresses in my life, I dont think they are even remotely as severe as living with someone who is always 1 foot out the door - unless they are made happy 100% of the time and ge everything they want with no questions asked and no responsibilities on their part for ANYTHING.
Get all the help you can get for yourself and your kids - you must make that the first priority. Someone on here posted recently about how the airlines tell you to first put the oxegen mask on yourself first and THEN on the kids - they are right. You need to first get yourself in order, detach, build up and your kids will be better off having you in a strong position. I wish I had better words -and maybe others here can give you better advice. My response is totally flavored with the utter apathy and devaluation of myself and my marriage by the one person who should love me most.
You need to do whatever is
Submitted by Girl1234 on
You need to do whatever is best for you. Even with medication, there is still a good chance that there will be problems. My husband became highly addicted to Adderall so now our problems are incredibly worse. I can relate- I'm tired of the worrying about fighting, the lying, manipulation and temper tantrums. I work everyday with kids that have ADHD (spec ed teacher) and so I try my best to work therapeutically with my H, but it's hard to reason with a person that is so unstable.
I don't doubt that I will be divorced soon. I'm sick about it, so I can relate. I just have to keep thinking that somehow everything will work out and I'll find happiness. Be good to you. Thanks for sharing.