My husband left the house this morning after an argument. He left the car, his cell phone, and all his belongings -- just walked out -- and it's after midnight and I still haven't heard from him. I'm left sitting here on the couch, worried sick, and wondering where all of this went wrong.
We're young and recently married (3 years). I found out a lot of things after we were married, even though we knew each other and dated for years before committing to each other. Everyone says that there are "warning signs," but until we were married, my gregarious, fun-loving husband kept most of his problems secret from me.
For one, my husband has ADHD w/hyperfocus that went undiagnosed until we were married, along with several learning disabilities and social anxiety. He has an ongoing speech disorder (which I knew about beforehand) but told me he was a "great" student. Yet, after we're married I find out that he can barely get through his reading and homework. He takes so long and needs so much help that I'm often up with him until 2:00 in the morning every day, just so he can pass. His anxiety prevents him from getting help from his professors or the college tutoring center. It's just easier for him to lean on me.
I told him that I can't tutor him anymore, but he just stopped going to class and was at risk of failing that quarter. Some quick thinking and access to his email account allowed me to beg for incompletes from his teachers due to "unforeseen medical issues" (hey, not a lie!), just so the school wouldn't chase us down to return the financial aid money (gotta love "satisfactory academic progress").
Incidentally, he also "forgot" to file his taxes for several years in a row and owed almost $10,000, which I found out when I got a letter from the IRS in the mail saying they were going to garnish wages and seize assets. Not to mention an additional $25,000 in other debts, including a large loan from a family member. The first three years of our relationship were hell while I tried to get us caught up financially, which I was able to do with a lot of help from my parents.
On top of the academic struggles and his financial irresponsibility, he's also not great with the household. If you ask him to help clean, he scrubs the bathroom for 3 hours but does nothing else. He can't cook, he just makes peanut butter sandwiches or a bowl of cereal if I don't prepare food for him. He also can't make phone calls to the doctor, our vet, our realtor, or any professional because he can't be attentive during conversations, has difficulty with his speech, and can't recall information.
Even with an arsenal of medications and regularly seeing two therapists, I feel like I'm constantly "managing" my husband's ups and downs.
When things get tough, he has fits of aggression and outbursts of anger, like this morning. On more than one occasion, he's screamed at me until he was red in the face, while I laid on the couch, literally covering my ears, cowering and crying hysterically. "Can't you see how mean you're being?! Stop yelling at me! You're scaring me!" I'd cry out to him.
On another occasion, I was dealing with the serious illness of a family member and had the stress of caretaking. I had a "special conversation" with him about how I was going to need his help, love, patience and understanding during this difficult time. Instead, when I failed to answer him RIGHT NOW while I was in the middle of preparing food for ten people, he ran away and took the family car.
Eventually, we took a drive so I could confront him about the behavior. He screamed at me again, to the point that I felt unsafe, so I got out of the car. He sped away, leaving me in an unfamiliar location by the side of the road and drove away. I walked home 5 miles alongside a busy road (no sidewalks or streetlights) in the dark.
I'm drained and exhausted. Was today's fiasco the last draw?
We had spent several days pent up in the house catching up on his homework, taxes, financial aid applications, and our shared bills, and Yesterday, I had begged him to take me somewhere, since it's the first week of spring. As always, his idea of "going out" is to pick up take out food or a home movie. So that's what we did. But he promised that in return we'd get to go out somewhere the next day, and we'd also have to dedicate the day to getting caught up on household matters. We'd struck a deal.
When I wake up today, I ask him to take me to a coffee shop so we can make plans for the weekend. What would we like to do first? What needs to get done around the house? How do we budget our time so he can finish his homework? Can we slip in some quality time for ourselves?
Instead of saying that he'd like to go or not like to go, he yells at me for breaking "the plan." I try and tell him that he's being classically "hyperfocused" and that he should step back and look at the big picture here. Be flexible! Why can't we stop for coffee while we check in with each other and make weekend plans. He pushes back and really puts me through the paces. But at last he comes around and says he's sorry. We can go get coffee.
I thank him for apologizing and trying to see things my way. I also share with him that the exchange we just had was hard on me. I try and explain that it makes me feel bad when simple little things get turned into a major argument.
Then he explodes. More yelling, more aggression. He takes several of his belongings and throws them in a trash can (things I purchased for him?).
And that's where things are right now. I'm exhausted from crying -- feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for him, wishing things would "get better," always looking for the positive and praying that we'll make it.
I'm a tolerant and patient person, but when is enough, "enough?" What do I do? Wait for him to come home and apologize . . . until the next time? There's no space for my feelings or needs, anymore, and I feel like I'm missing out. We never had a "honeymoon" phase. Just "before marriage" and "after marriage," when my life felt "normal," and "crazy."
When do you draw the line? I'm ready to turn the light out, get into bed and just accept that my marriage is a complete failure.
I would extricate myself
Submitted by aikenhead on
I would extricate myself from this union ASAP. It has all of the ingredients of a disaster.
It sounds as if you have no children; your decision will be infinitely more difficult if wait until you do. (trust me)
Have You Tried Everything?
Submitted by hopeless in hawaii on
Bitanonymous, I feel you girl on your chaotic life. Yes its true as aikenhead stated. It would be so much easier to get out of the relationship. But I know you love this man, otherwise you would've left a long time ago. I've been married 2 years now, and had been with my man 5 years before that. It sounds like you're at your breaking point already. Ultimatums have to be made. We've played by their rules for all these years...now it's time to play by "our" rules. It's not a control thing, it's a decision and commitment that has to be made on "his" part. Getting the "specialized" help will be the only thing that can save your marriage. Otherwise, girl, I suggest you seperate. I don't mean the 2 days to a week thing that you've probably done many times. Be strong on this one, or you're just going to be repeating history. My breaking point led to seperation, which lasted 1 month. I had to start thinking about myself and putting myself first already. If you're not well, you're no good to anyone. The seperation period will be constructive for both of you. For yourself, you can start thinking about "you". During this time, don't worry about him, think about "YOU". Put it this way...if he were deceased...what would you do then? Your life would still go on, and how would you live it? Do whatever you can during this time to get yourself spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically strong. For him at first, he may use this time as an excuse to be more irrisponsible, probably blaming you that you chose to leave him. Hopefully, in my situation, as time goes by, he'll start to realize that you're sticking to your guns, and you're serious this time. Hopefully he'll come to his own decision that "he" still wants this relationship, and will commit to doing whatever it takes if he wants to continue to "have you" in his life.
We've tried so many counselors/therapists. You gotta find a therapist "specializing in ADD/HD", or you're going to waste your time. My husband has tried many meds for ADHD, that did nothing for him. Only a week ago, we found a fabulous doctor "specialized in ADHD". My husband is now taking 2 18mg of Concerta. Like the doctor said, it was like flipping a light switch on. We still are continuing therapy as well. Therapy is KEY.
I don't have children or anything legally binding me to my husband besides a marriage certificate. But, I'm the kind of person, who will do everything possible to try to make things work before giving up. I don't want to look back at my life with any regrets. Somethings gotta give, and YOU have to make it happen. I do suggest that you don't put yourself in any situation where your safety is involved. I know things will get better for you...once you start to make it better. I hope this post helps.
Update: He Came Home
Submitted by Bitanonymous on
This is my first time here and it really helped to hear from others. Thank you!
Just an update: he came home with a stack of books and an apology. He had bought several books at the bookstore, then checked into a hotel and read about his condition all night long. He strolled in a day later, penitent about everything that had happened. It seemed as though he'd had an epiphany, "Do I really put you through all that?" he asked me. "Yup, and then some," I told him.
Although my husband was deeply apologetic, I still have my concerns. But he has at last realized that he's not controlling ADHD -- ADHD is controlling him. He acknowledged that he doesn't take nearly enough medication (he's resisted taking the recommended doses from the psychologist), and that he needs to get a handle on things soon. He's taking 20 mg of Adderall and 10 mg of Prozac. I know what you're thinking, "Only 10 mg of Prozac? He may as well be taking tic tacs!"
And unfortunately, there is a child in the situation. Although, not mine. The kid is from another marriage. (And guess who ends up taking care of the kid when Dad's MIA?) It's pretty overwhelming, because the kid has special needs and learning disabilities, too. I feel like the parent of two kids but I've never had any of my own. I oftentimes worry about whether I'll ever get the support I need to raise a child of my own. But given the situation that I'm in, it looks like kids are out of the question for me. Which is really sad.
I guess that I'm like the other poster on this thread, the sort of person who has to see things through. At least he knows that he's got a problem, and that I'm at my wits' end.
Thanks to everyone who reached out to support me. I don't know what's going to happen next. But if he can't step up and do his half, then he's not going to be enough for me.
Build Support
Submitted by Nettie on
Oh, wow, you are in terribly difficult circumstances. I'm glad to hear your spouse now has more information, but it's going to take time (he's also dealing with a lot), so you need to build up your strength and secure the child's well being and your own.
Enlist family*, medical, community, etc., members and build resources for emergencies and everyday support.
Put aside money or take over the responsibility entirely. You may want a counselor's help with this discussion with your spouse. It can be really hard to give up the substance needed for instant gratification, but again, the child needs protection and resources and so do you.
It's also really difficult feeling dumb (and confused because you know you aren't but can't get some things right) and allowing someone outside the family to help with educational challenges, but he will need to know that a ruined educational record can affect one (and one's family) for a long time, and while you can do some administrative things to help, you can't do your jobs and his, so you need him to accept some outside assistance if he wants a degree.
I had to plead exhaustion with my husband before he would go to a professional (he finally did it because I needed the help, not him), and it involved many attempts, some of which are ongoing.
*Part of that exhaustion was having to educate family members, etc, about ADHD. I'm glad you've already found support here. Keep reaching out.
He did it again!
Submitted by Bitanonymous on
He did it again.
This time he crossed three state lines with our one and only family car. His employer called the police, who showed up at our new residence (very embarassing) because he had not been to work in two days (the boss actually filed a missing persons report) and no one knew where he was. He refused to answer phone calls, emails, or text messages.
I had to take his daughter to school by borrowing a friend's car in the morning. That meant taking a train and a city bus at 5:00 in the morning to reach the next town and pick up the car. Then I drop off the car after the kid is at school. I hurry to get myself to work by taking another bus and a train.
Stepdaughter also had several after school commitments and I had to call friends and family to drive her after school.
Stepdaughter is asking all kinds of questions -- especially about the car, the rides, where's Dad? -- I had to lie to her and pretend that, "Dad's in the hospital with food poisoning," while I hope upon hope that he's not going to abandon her.
And meanwhile, phone is ringing off the hook. It's his work, wanting to know if he's okay and if he plans to appear for his shift. Director is saying that being AWOL is grounds for immediate dismissal. I conjure up some "medical" explanation and apologize. An hour-long conversation and some charm saves his job.
Minutes later, I get a call from the landlord that the rent check has bounced because my husband is "on the run," using our rent money to fund his own personal road trip.
And just as things couldn't get worse (policemen in my doorway), I get a call for a high-powered job that I've been gunning for. I'm expected to do a phone interview on the spot. I have to go into a quiet room with my laptop and just wing it.
He comes home and after tears and apologies he's on his best behavior for four or five days. He's nicey nicey, helpful, goes out of his way to clean, run errands, do the laundry. He's attentive, loving, affectionate.
Then what happens? He starts World War III again. And then he runs away (turned up at a friend's house that night).
I can't take this anymore!
Honey
Submitted by Clarity on
This sounds like a very volatile "relationship" and you are not responsible for his actions. The unpredictable behaviors will not change without proper medication and counsel. Listen, when he runs away he abandons you. I hope you are in a position where you can make a clean break and move on. Please take care of yourself!
Clarity, Indeed!
Submitted by Bitanonymous on
Thanks so much, Clarity. Your namesake suits you well!
I've tried so many things to make this work. But whenever I ask him for anything relating to my needs, he becomes volatile and runs away. Even after he abandoned me -- you're right, that's just what he did -- I apologized FOR him. Yes, I'm a complete sucker. But I love (loved?) this man so much that I was willing to do anything to make this work.
Next day, there's a "how about the way that I feel?" conversation and he explodes. He "apologizes" by saying a cursory "I'm sorry" before delving into a long list of things that I do wrong and that "make" him get made at me: my brain doesn't work in the morning, you don't follow the "unwritten rules," so you shoud know better than to bother me right now, you need to be more patient, you ask too much from me, etc etc.
I'm literally packing my bags right now. I'm frozen right now, trying to figure out if I can really get myself through the front door. But I know that this insanity has to end.
Abusers
Submitted by Sueann on
All abusers blame the victim, your husband does not sound like the exception. My first husband, who doesn't have ADD in any form, just a bad case of a**hole-itis, always said it was my fault he "had to" hit me, if I would just be a better wife, he wouldn't "have to" hit me.
Your husband is no different, he just chooses a different way to batter you and control you and beat down your self esteem. You are right to get out. Please follow through on that. I hope you get that high-powered job you interviewed for. You deserve something good in your life. Please post back and let us know how you are.
I made the first step and
Submitted by Bitanonymous on
I made the first step and called my family. I was so miserable that I had even been "covering" for my husband so that he wouldn't like a piece of **** in front my family -- thereby denying myself an essential form of support and killing myself in the process.
Now my parents are literally coming to get me. They're from out of town, so it will take some time for them to arrive and help me get out the door. But I took the first step and packed all my clothes and essentials (he can have the rest of the household!). Even if I'm not brave enough to leave, they will help me see that this is the right thing for me.
Thank you so much for everyone's encouragement and support! I don't think that I could have done it without this forum. You are all lifesavers!
Step daughter
Submitted by Nettie on
Where is the step daughter? Is she going with you? The adults need to care for themselves to care for her; however, she's got to be priority number one as she's vulnerable. If you can't take her with you, please continue helping her from a distance.
First step
Submitted by jeesher on
How is everything??? Is the step daughter ok?
I just found this site today. I think I'm going to like it here!!! :)So nice to know other spouses struggle with this. So I'm not crazy and ungrateful?
Update
Submitted by Bitanonymous on
Unfortunately, I'm still in the same scenario. I sent stepdaughter to spend time with her bio-mom this summer, but her mother lives in a neighborhood that's not exactly safe and nurturing. It's a tough question to ask yourself: is she safer around her father's outbursts and moods? Or when she's with her mother in the ghetto?
I've made a decision to stick this out until the kid graduates from high school in a couple years. It's already feeling like a jail sentence. I'm in a city with no family and a limited support structure. The kid has special needs, and I'm parenting around her ignorant, white trash mother (who calls and SCREAMS when she doesn't understand the kid's special education needs) and a moody, unpredictable, and barely functional father. Both get mad at me for stepping in, but neither ever thank me for helping with homework, getting the kid evaluated at school, paying for tutors, etc.
It's such a burden. I've put on tons of weight, my hair is turning grey, I'm run ragged, exhausted. I wake up each day and pray for the strength to do it all. Most nights I cry myself to sleep.
Last week I got the flu because I was just exhausted. What happens? Hubby has mood swings and then becomes aggressive towards me for no reason at all. Why is it that he always becomes aggressive when I'm weak, sick, or most in need of empathy?
And when I tried to get to the bottom of it all, he tells me that he was angry because I brought up a situation that *might* turn into a fight in the future. And thinking about it made him mad. WTF? Now we're having fights over incidents that happen theoretically? Like in the future? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
I am miserable. I just have to get this kid reading at grade level and graduated from high school. And then I'm free.