myself being the non, ive learned a lot from this site, Thank you all for sharing both sides of this.
This relationship has been off and on for 15 plus years.
I knew something was off due to her behavior, but had not educated myself with mental health issues.
Im not going to go into great detail but i just need some insight on these issues and what suggestions any may have.
what happened to my attention, needs,boundaries, respect?
why does it start off great and mutually respectful and then dies?
why does she not want to talk about my concerns, but wants me to listen to all that she has done at work..but never about our relationship and concerns?
i do have the support of her family,,, however id like a starting point from those that have moreso walked in these shoes.
I have been divorced since
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I have been divorced since 2016. I was married for 31 years. My then husband was diagnosed with ADHD around 2008 or 2009. We did not talk much about the relationship. I think it probably would have been good if we had talked more about the relationship, but my husband made clear that he felt as though I was attacking him when I brought up relationship issues. Therefore, I eventually felt that any conversation about the marriage or other "issues" required me to weigh the potential benefits -- e.g., I would get to speak my truths, or maybe we'd have a breakthrough; against the risks - e.g., a breakthrough was unlikely, I would be the b**ch, or my husband would withdraw even more. While we were still married, my husband decided to become his parents' in-home caregiver, 150 miles away from our home. He ghosted me when he was away, and when he was home, he would be "busy" all day, so conversing was nearly impossible.
A few things....
Submitted by c ur self on
Read up on hyper focus....Minds that get locked onto anything, place or person....See's only down that tunnel....This effects their ability to consider a partner or spouse's needs....The type mind you are talking about struggles to have a train of thought that don't come right back to them...It will seem like high level selfishness or being self absorbed....It may be just that, or it may be a mental inability....The desire for dopamine rushes (thrills) keeps them seeking entertaining distractions....Talking is one, it may be games, it may be electronics, it may substance, or sex, etc....To talk to you, is fulfilling her mind's need, to try and listen to you talk, (while holding her own busy mind at bay) is extremely painful work, and boring....Your complaint is very common and a reality for my marriage and many here....We live abandoned even when they are in the same house very often....
Minds like your dealing with aren't good relational minds (very limited ability to share focus, attention, and life's responsibilities)....My wife's is a clinical level (medicated) add, at a high level....Her normal tendencies each day consumes her....Life is a struggle, can't get up, can't get to sleep, loses track of time, easily distracted, driven to self pleasing activities, has no convictions to not live messy and hoarding, has to be reminded we need to have sex, still will push it back a day or two (has to attempt to control) has no convictions to clean or cook...She will be domestic from time to time out of shame (company or adult children coming) spouses have to fend for themselves in all area's of life.....
I hope this helps, I will attempt to answer any specific questions I might can help you with....There are many regular reader here who have lived and dealt w/ add, bi-polar, narcs etc....
c
Reminders
Submitted by overlanddad on
Im having a difficult time with having to remind a nurse to pick up behind herself at home, when she has to tell others the same at work.
i know im frustrated., its hard to wrap my mind around these things
the more i learn. but i do realize my mind is different
thanks for your insight c.
Yep, same here...
Submitted by c ur self on
The home is a sanctuary for her mind type (my wife is exactly the same) Your frustrations are normal, and shared by many!
I can only tell u how I deal with it...For years I pointed it out angrily, and picked up behind her... The two worst things I could do!... So, I had a talk with me! I placed boundaries on myself to either leave, or be kind and respect her rights..I was destroying my own peace of mind, and hers, mothering and fussing at my wife like she was 8 years old had to stop!...So now I kick shoes or clothes or anything in my path (trip hazards) out of the walkways... If she leaves the shower step out mate waded up and wet I will use a new one and not tough it... If my side of the bathroom counter is covered, I gentle pile it on her side...I do most all the sweeping, mopping and vacuuming, because I'm retired and she works...She isn't allowed (boundary) to put any thing on my half of the bedroom ( it's clean and organized, she has just a trail... I've learned a few thing since accepting this...One, boundaries are great for both parties when we are so different.. Secondly her add is so severe she only started noticing how messy she really is once I stopped picking up her messes..,Third, messes want kill you...She also feels loved by it, she will openly tell others how difficult she is to live with...(occasionally :)....
wow! lol its soo hard to walk
Submitted by overlanddad on
wow! lol its soo hard to walk into a mess when ive been gone for work all week.
i tried cleaning sundays before i leave to give her a clean start to the week, and i come home to clean up..., just to clean off the surfaces so i could make dinner before she got home.
i dont even have the respect to have a side of the bedroom, double vanity,,double walk in closet
, i have 3ft of closet hanging space and the rest of my clothes are in the garage with the rest of my things in totes and tubs, because she couldnt prepare for me moving in in the last yr.even with the help of family ...sigh..
im venting im sorry.
It's OK, to vent, but you need to know why you are venting....
Submitted by c ur self on
You need to recognize the emotion that is causing the vent is from ***the expectations you are placing on her, by thinking about her actions with your mind!***....***Her mind is fine with her actions*** This is critical for you to get, all of us must in order to have any peace....She will probably never think like you, so her actions about the messes will never bother her, like it's bothering you....When someone makes something a non issue in their life, we have to accept it....Acceptance isn't agreement...It's just you driving home telling yourself the house will probably be destroyed for two reason...One she could care less, and two, she has a maid...(you)..LOL....
Those type minds get easily addicted, and they can become dependent very easily....I'm not suggesting you don't prepare supper, I'm just saying I had to learn to shock her, by eating out for just my self, or eating something quick....When there is no effort coming from an adult in an area...That means they don't care...Right? That's the way you have to look at it....IF she isn't going to put time and energy into matching your efforts, don't be a mother to an adult women....Just my thinking, you must force accountability by non participation when they do not match the level of concern you show....Or, like I said earlier you become the maid....
I don't know if you are married or what, but, attempting to live in the same house w/ a mind like our spouses can end a great friendship:)...Also preaching, and angrily pointing it out those are just slow deaths to the relationship also....
Have a great afternoon!
c
No social cues
Submitted by YM on
I'm in the same situation as you, I think, as the non-adhd partner. It can be frustrating sometimes. I think at least for my spouse, the problem is she doesn't get social cues, so if I'm not in a place to support her or if I myself need support, I need to explicitly say so - there's no other way, she just isn't aware. And sadly, saying clearly, I need you to stop, or please listen to my needs and support me right now, that is sometimes taken the wrong way.
The only thing I know is if I wait until my breaking point to clearly say that the balance of the relationship is off, it's more difficult.
Hang in there.