Actually, I think a better title for this is "Why didn't you not marry X, given that you're so unhappy with X now?"
I married my H because I was young, idealistic, and stupid. Being idealistic and not a fortune-teller, I didn't know that the following things would happen after we got married. If these things had happened before we got married, I hope I would have been brave enough to not follow through with getting married.
H cheated on our taxes one year.
H was let go from his job but didn't tell me, even when I consulted him about my plan to quit my job to be at home more with our young children.
H was unemployed for more than five years. When I could no longer bite my tongue and said anything to him about looking for work, he told me that my asking him was keeping him from applying for jobs.
H was fired again six years ago. He has not applied for any jobs.
H again suggested we cheat on our taxes.
When our children became preteens, H started withdrawing from them and me. Apparently, children are only worth taking care of when they're little and you can play with them.
there's more, but I think that's enough for now.
Why....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I truly did NOT know.
When I met H, he was well-employed (as he's been all of our marriage except now that he's retired), so there were no red flags there.
He comes from a seemingly normal family (this was an area that I probably would have realized that something was wrong IF I had seen his family more than 1 time before we married.) H's family can "appear" normal...educated, everyone one is middle class or higher, etc. What is hidden is the ADHD/EFC/anxiety, depression, etc.
NO ONE told me that H had had a MAJOR breakdown while he was in college. No one told me that the father was a total A-hole.
H didn't exhibit many signs because he had the life he wanted....flex time schedule, excellent pay, low stress job, and a job he really liked. We never drove far or in traffic so I wasn't aware of how tense he gets in traffic. I also didn't know how tense he gets in stores.
There were only a couple of incidents that should have been red flags. Since there were only a couple, I wrongly thought that they were extreme exceptions. wrong.
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H was unemployed for more than five years. When I could no longer bite my tongue and said anything to him about looking for work, he told me that my asking him was keeping him from applying for jobs.
H was fired again six years ago. He has not applied for any jobs.
>>>>
So, you were "biting your tongue" for awhile, but when you finally said something, he said that your asking was keeping him from applying? lol
Don't you just love excuses that are just total BS. Obviously, no one who really wants a job would "stop looking" simply because his spouse asked him how the job hunt was going. lol
And, of course, you've have periods of time when you weren't asking, yet he didn't look for work.
Young and stupid
Submitted by on the edge on
We were young. We could talk for hours and not run out of topics and when we were apart, I missed him. He was fun to be around and generous and charming. He made me feel like I was important to him.
Looking back, I realize he was hyperfocusing on me. I don't remember the last time I felt like I was important to him but it's been more than a few years.
We're getting divorced and it can't come soon enough for me.
He was kind and charming, and
Submitted by highestgood on
He was kind and charming, and made me feel safe when no one has ever been able to. I was always independent and aloof in relationships, and he showed a strong effort to get me to open my heart. He made me become emotionally available.
And I have some pretty high expectations of someone if they can manage to do that.
I was young. He was 5 years
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
I was young. He was 5 years older. I always wanted to be a wife and had so much love to give. We dated for 1.5 years and the whole time he was so mushy and attached to me. He wrote me poetry and songs, called me daily and gave me sweet gifts. He wrote me every week (we lived 3 hrs away) and was completely head over heels for me and I reciprocated. 25 years later, I am fortunate to get a phone call and it's probably to get the phone number from our mechanic, but he says that is a good excuse to call me. I feel like another contact in his cell phone. I sleep alone because he is up until 3 AM. Who knew? He gets me one gift a year for our anniversary and he forgot our 25th this year and bought me a bunch of roes the next day. It's not that he changed, he just revealed himself to me after we got married and the excitement was over. Bye bye poetry, bye bye phone calls and gifts. Nice knowing you. Now that I am trying not to care, it takes up less of my time. I just enjoy my sleep alone and buy myself whatever the he%* I want because I deserve it! The hyperfocus is terrible because what you see is NOT what you get.