I'm new to the community, but my marriage is in a really bad space because of a recurring pattern of making decisions and keeping them from my wife. Two weeks ago, I started a new job and there was so much information coming at me, and I was excited to learn as much as I could so I quickly signed up for a $300 class without telling my wife. She asked about it a few days later and I was defensive and shut down and turned away. About a week ago, my Psychiatrist, NP agreed that I might need a small afternoon dose to get me through the afternoons because I was not having much success focusing. I didn't tell my wife because I knew it would make her nervous and she would disagree with the decision. This has been a pattern that's gone on for most of our 16-year marriage. I get afraid to talk with her about things she will disagree with and so I decide it's worth the risk of not telling her. Never works, I always regret it. My question to anyone who is willing to respond, is this pattern connected to my ADHD diagnosis and if so, what are some things I can do to start to prevent this from happening?
I look forward to any encouragement and advice,
Tony
Non Communication With Decisions
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I'm not sure what you can do to prevent this from happening. Certainly, you could speak to her about the decisions ahead of time. You could "adult" and understand that no one is going to agree with your decisions all of the time and healthy discussion and compromise are needed for a successful relationship.
This was a pattern with my ex husband. Yes. Ex. This was a huge factor in the decision to divorce. I can speak only from my perspective.
It seemed that my ex was so unwilling to experience any negative emotion, any questioning or ANYTHING that he avoided telling me anything at all. Here's the deal. It's a huge soul sucking downward spiral.
First, I let it go as a one off situation and didn't get so angry. I was willing to talk it out calmly. Then, it became a pattern and I became angry. Then... of course and understandably he used the "I can't talk to you about anything" excuse - because you get so angry. It's a chicken and egg argument. I wasn't and wouldn't have been angry if he just told me what was going on. Betrayal. I am using that word because not trusting me enough to share decisions felt like a betrayal and oftentimes an outright lie. Toward the end, I could see why he felt the way he did about bringing up anything to me but it wasn't like that at the beginning. I think it is ADHD related because (1) He wanted to do what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it without question or consequences - impulsivity. (2) He could never articulate his decision making - he could never tell me how he came to do something or take a course of action so I was at a loss to understand it - ie, this made the anger and frustration ramp up. At least TELL ME WHY you did it. Maybe it makes sense in a way I don't understand or see. I was willing to listen. (3) the choices and consequences became very egregious and I ended up deciding that he didn't have the right to withhold important information OR define by reality based on what he chose to tell me or chose not to tell me. (4) an extension of number 3 - I never had enough information to make informed decisions on my own so often my decisions were faulty due to said lack of information (5) most importantly - it cut to the issue of trust in the marriage. It wasn't about what he did, it became an issue of not trusting him about anything. (6) not taking someone else into account or providing information is a sign of disrespect. I ended up feeling like he did not value me at all. (6) shutting down and walking away .... see number 5 (7) the problem is no longer what you did (class, meds, etc.) the issue is magnified 100 times because your wife is also having to process your lack of communication, shutting down, non-sharing which is 10,000 times more hurtful than signing up for a class (in my opinion)
so, yes, if it's a pattern, she will be anxious. She probably lives with a significant level of anxiety every day, just as I did.
Talk to you person and figure out a strategy. Even if you find you didn't tell her right away, you've got to figure out a way to keep her in the loop. Strangely, most people value honesty and communication. In most cases, even if someone doesn't tell you right away, coming back later and 'fessing up is still a good strategy. If you make the effort to do this, she will also need to figure out a strategy not to blow up right away.
My ex did it over 15 years. I could no longer trust him with my heart.
I guess you could start by admitting to her that you know how much this might have hurt her.
..............
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
AMEN.
helpful perspective
Submitted by tbleything on
Thanks for your honesty about what its like from the spouse's perspective. In some ways, it is encouraging to know that this dynamic isn't unique to us and that there are elements of my actions that might be connected to the way my brain works or doesn't work. It feels depressing to go through the same thing over and over again and not have any good reason for why I keep doing it. I worry that my wife is at the place you ended up at, that she can't do it anymore. The anxiety and hypervigilance she lives with all the time can't be a forever thing. I know she was upset and that she doesn't mean what she said, but it still hurts to hear your wife say; "I hate my life because of you."
Our husbands sound similar. I
Submitted by Spinach on
Our husbands sound similar. I'm still married to mine and we are working with a therapist to improve our relationship. I am hopeful we can save it, but the lying is the one thing that scares me the most. I love him, but I can't trust him. He lies to my face and withholds information and has done it for years. He is getting better about communicating, and for that I feel hopeful, but it's going to take a long time for trust to be rebuilt.
It sounds like the dynamic you two are trapped in...
Submitted by c ur self on
You want open up if you feel like you will be disrespected and challenged at every turn...But you should open up any way in those matters...Not as though you are a child needing permission, but as information that will effect the life of the person you are one with....If you tell her about a decision that you made (or better yet, get her thoughts before making important decisions, if at all possible) that will impact the family in any way, she needs to be part of it....
Now saying that, this does not give any space for mothering or disrespect in these situation...If you do what you are suppose do as a man and her husband, by attempting to share w/ her, and be open to respectful conversation (hearing each other) and dialog concerning any matter that effects you both...That is all you can do....You can always walk away calmly if she turns disrespectful, or attempts to control or manipulate you....But, it doesn't let you (any of us) off the hook to be open and forthcoming w/ your spouse....
Always think...What would I have her to do, if the shoe was on the other foot?? This always clears it up for me....
Blessings
c
True
Submitted by tbleything on
Thanks for your comments. Yes, she does deserve the respect of hearing what I'm thinking before I do something. This type of behavior has been my regular pattern for a long time, probably before we were married. So it takes a lot to change habits. I need experiences of it going well to help change the narrative on this. I know all the reasons why she deserves to be part of the decisions, and I agree with all of them. But I need tools or strategies to help me slow down in the moment so that I don't make an impulsive and sometimes risky decision without speaking with her.
Good Answer!
Submitted by c ur self on
(But I need tools or strategies to help me slow down in the moment so that I don't make an impulsive and sometimes risky decision without speaking with her.)
I like your answer to my thoughts.... It says, I know I have a problem, and want to correct it (ownership)...All I will add is, most men (adhd or not) will work through the issues that haunt them (bad habits) if they don't like themselves (their life) enough. Hurting and disappointing the one's we truly love, makes for a sad existence, and, a relationship that never becomes anything close to what it should or could be....
It's very hard to swallow our Pride, look in the mirror, and face the fact that the person looking back at us is messed up, and needs help...But it's usually life changing when we do....
c
...........
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
DELETED.
Your avoidance is related to your ADHD....
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
My BF used to do the same thing. Trust became an issue with us, because while he would Overshare about some things, he would either not tell me things ( a lie by omission), or outright lie to my face when I questioned him. I made it clear that if we couldn't have honesty, that was a deal breaker for me. Even though I love him, I will not put up with dishonesty and lies. Of course, I changed how I reacted to him, and made it "safe" for him to come to me and communicate.