Another question here: My ADHD husband spends an EXHAUSTIVE amount of time worrying about everything. He is now (thankfully) doing many more things around the house that he wouldn't ever do before, but BEFORE he does them, he has to WORRY several days or weeks about it....BEFORE he actually DOES the thing he's supposed to do. This shows up when he has to fix something that's broken, or call someone on the phone, or go to the store or bank.....pretty much anything. There are so many things that would only take 10-15 minutes to fix will take days to weeks to do because he talks about it endlessly and worries that he has to fix it. Is it impossible for them to STOP right then, STOP the worry, and just FIX the darn things? This is why at times, I "took over" doing so many things around the house, because my husband just never DID IT. I have tons and tons of things to do also, but don't worry myself to death about them ahead of time. What IS THIS? anyone?
Why do they spend so much time on worry?
Submitted by dedelight4 on 05/06/2015.
My wife also does this...
Submitted by c ur self on
Hi Dede...I will tell you my thoughts on this...My wife, dreads every project or job...She puts everything off until the last minute...It's because the way her mind works it want let her do what you and I do....Just do it! LOL...Its not that easy for them...She treats most every small project like she's buying a house...She has to look at it from every angle...Consider every little detail...Then still want charge in because of fear the results want be what she wants....I get tired watching her....Plus she knows before she starts she going to get distracted and be disappointed in herself, so she just never starts....
She tells me her body needs down time from her adderall, so while she is off, she don't take it most days....She will just wonder around the house in her underwear life a zombie...She will just look at me with that blank look and say I'm having a bad day...In the early years of our marriage I would hurt her feelings about this....But, now I just hug her, and tell her I love her...Saying something or making what I use to think was positive suggestions just never helped...only hurt.
I'm so sorry you back is giving you so much trouble...I will pray for you sister...
C
Hi Dede
Submitted by kellyj on
I think I can answer this for you. But first, I just wanted to say that I was really touched by your other post you made to Liz ( I just read it ) and I wanted to say also, that my time here reading all the posts here on this forum did have the same effect on on me and it did with your's (and Liz's) husbands.....and they weren't even written by my wife. It did have the same effect however, I've really begun to step up the action parts of managing my ADHD since I came here....just so you know...you are being heard by at least one ADHDer and it has had a positive effect:)
Anyway.....I've really been watching myself lately ( observing my behavior ) and trying to connect what is happening in my head at the same time. Literally...last week was when it really hit me how any outside input from any source started my thoughts going almost spontaneously. You might find this interesting how I came to this. I've found that having music on while I work really helps keep my mind off other things except....commercials. I hate radio commercials and always have and it dawned on me the reason why (more than the average person saying).....as the day goes on and more and more commercials are played....i can't stop thinking about them and not in a good way. More....all the ways I could make them stop by sabotaging the radio tower etc......more in a joking manner but.....I found that I have to turn off the radio and play recorded music only. As soon as I did that....all the thoughts stopped too. All of a sudden it really clicked and I realized how much of my fretting and troubled thoughts were related to anything....I mean anything as unrelated to those thoughts were to things even as simple as stupid car commercial on the radio (my least favorite, especially one local guy grrrrrr).
Since then....I started to remove any kind of irritant from my environment....whatever and as random as these things can be....a magazine with the picture of someone I dislike on the cover or not playing the radio. Wow....I can't tell you how well that worked to keep those thoughts from starting....always negative in relation to irritation. Interestingly for me.....inanimate objects don't really do this. It's more of an emotional annoyance to a person's voice or what they are saying. It also occurred to me why I don't like watching the news late at night...more obvious if you think about it. And political discussions send me through the roof....bickering and spatting back and forth. Same thing happens.
And I do what you H does too when it comes to worrying about other things ahead of time. It's preparing for something he either doesn't want to do or doesn't know how to do and it starts that worrying cycle. I'm different than your husband because I like fixing things and I find that enjoyable (I have lots of experience in that area too) and I don't get distracted while I'm doing those things....actually, find that therapeutic ( like fixing jewelry and setting diamonds too...same thing) So my fretting is about different things but I'm guessing that this is what it is with your H too. I hpe that helps:)
J
talking extensively before doing
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
I do this as well, albeit to a lesser extent than I used to. I do it:
Something Else That Helps
Submitted by kellyj on
I was just reading an article about ADHD...that actually says (we) should verbalize out loud before we do something first and even while we're doing it to help do whatever. I think the article was on to something. I haven't tried this yet specifically but.....when I was swimming ( racing ) our coach had us visualize the entire race in our heads before hand repeatedly.....walking up to the blocks, getting set, diving, counting every stroke, turns etc...and finish.
I got to the point that I had every stroke counted and knew exactly how many strokes it took for each different kind of stroke for 25 yard, 25 meters and had them memorized. I still know them to this day.....17 strokes=50 yds backstroke 23 strokes= 50 yards free etc... I could do it in my sleep or even blind folded to the point I would reach the wall and put my hand out and it was there....every time.
I started doing this again for things I am doing....as well as swimming again just last week. What a difference! I'm so out of shape...it's pathetic! My target heart rate has always been 180bpm and I could only keep it there for 10 minutes before I started to gasp and had to stop. When I can hold 180 for 1/2 hour....I know I will be back again. Probably about a month and 1/2 if I can stay at it consistently. Once you get to that point is where you start looking forward to getting your endorphin fix....a good drug to be hooked on! lol A least 3-4 times a week. If you can get your heart rate above 160bpm for 20 minutes or more, your in full anaerobic mode and the endorphins really begin to pump. I find that 20 minutes in anaerobic (10 minutes at 120bpm warm up ) is worth twice that in aerobic for endorphins which means 1/2 the time for the same result.....endorphin wise. Better than Adderall hands down!
Anyway, the visualizing really does help in other things too. Our coach also had us stand in front of the mirror and watch ourselves do each stroke at home for 20 minutes each day......after 4 hours of work outs. whew! makes me tired thinking about it but.....watching yourself in the mirror really helps too....so I can't see why verbalizing before you do things would be any different. I will be trying this too right away.
PS....anyone who reads this ********make sure you check with your Doctor FIRST to make sure your heart is able to handle anything like I'm talking about!!!!
j
Flow Charts ADHDMOMof2
Submitted by kellyj on
I'm just starting to do this and I think it really helps. If I map out my game plan ahead of time and post it on a bullitin board, I'm finding I don't worry any more about it after I'm done doing this. When it's time to do the thing.....I just refer to the chart and don't think about all the where's, why's, how's but most importantly......the starting point. If I do this the night before......I get up and just start. It works great!
A side note to this......for obvious reason's. I hate to worry ha ha . But my wife is a BIG worrier but her's is all about fear. Mine is more the ADHD....scrambled ideas and trying to get them organized in my head. This is one of those things I have to deal with. Her verbal worrying about everything (it seems to me....a bit of my own projection here) is really frustrating for me. It's the exact thing that I need NOT to happen for all the right reasons concerning my ADHD....plus, I don't want to hear about every minor detail that she appears to worry about. I realized that she and I both suffer from the same thing....verbalizing stress or concerns. Her for one reason....mine for another. I wish she could see this too? It would help me out tremendously if she was doing the same thing I'm working on too. Keeping it to yourself. It is frustrating when you can get yourself to this kind of place in yourself and can see things for what they are....but when you approach the other person with the exact same thing you want from them....you get defensiveness and anger in return. It does appear hypocritical but....what goes around comes around. I tell myself this all the time:)
Worse case scenario at this point with my wife......her dismissiveness...and trying to "put me back into my place." I found that is when I really start to get angry. Not much else does this anymore saying, she can bring up literally anything that has to do with my ADHD and it doesn't make me defensive at all anymore. But when I approach her with a positive solution and tell her a really valid and legitimate idea and one that I know works...and her immediate response is to dismiss....it's about the only time that hits a really sore spot in me. She does this with other people too and I can see this clearly as one of her problems not mine. Not to say I don't do this ever either but I have to let this go and stop the anger before it starts to ramp. I'm on it....... and have been able to do this at times when I use to erupt. That's progress! I have to say, coming here and practicing this has really helped me to this better with her which...is what really matters. A good reason to be here for me in case anyone was wondering:)
And for the record, I do see where I need to show her the improvement first before she's going to change herself. My fear with her is....that she can be like this anyway with me or anyone else. I might need to accept that this will never change and just get over it. Time to turn around and walk the other direction and let it go which is what I'm doing now.
J
Ahhh... the worry
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Yeah, I hear you, J. I hate when my spouse verbalizes the worry about me. It can quickly turn into repetitive nagging, which has a bad effect on us. My spouse was away for several days last week, and you know what? No one was directing and orchestrating the week. I loved it. I planned ahead, and it went quite well overall. I think that because he tends to feel the need to take over and orchestrate, I am not as aware as I should be; the "cruise director" tells me what's going on-whether I need it or not. So in that regard, I relax too much. I like it when he's gone (not too often, because I would miss him) because it proves to me that I can do it without his help or "help." I do need to be more aware, though, and pretend he's not here so perhaps this will alleviate some stress on us and he will leave me alone, perhaps? ;)
I do need to plan out my day better for the following day. It seems like time wasted, but I bet it's time well spent. I do use a planner so I know what is going on, but I don't plan out what I am going to do often...
Edit: Clearly, I didn't read carefully; you DON'T have issues with ADHD nagging with your wife. Oops!
Too Funny...Who Me Nag?
Submitted by kellyj on
My wife went out of town this weekend to see friends. AHHHHHHH....I love her to death but, I hear you. I've actually rented a skid loader for a week and am completely clearing my entire property.....re-seeding the entire yard, and putting 2 dump trucks of new gravel on the drive (1/2 acre...its a big yard!) and doing the work of 10 workers and taking care of everything all at once by myself. Work smarter not harder! It's great only in that she would usually be complaining about dust, diesel fumes and noise during the process. She has her sensitives and mine aren't these! I said...yes please, go see your friends...have a good time...love you, see you when you get home! When you come back you won't recognize the place. It's a win/win....and it's been a long time coming. And....I love operating heavy equipment. Big boy toys! ya hoo! :)
J
This list is perfect!
Submitted by c ur self on
This list is exactly what I was trying to say about my DW....It doesn't hurt that I walk around with a reminder list in my front pocket most days:)
BIG THANKS to all of you about the worrying
Submitted by dedelight4 on
THANKS TO YOU ALL who posted back to me about the ADHD worrying. It helped a great deal. I have never nagged my husband about his worrying, because I KNOW that nagging him is NOT productive at all. This is just something I notice and keep to myself, but it bothers me as to how much time it takes away from him actually DOING the positive things I know he WANTS to do and accomplish. I feel really BAD for him that the worry takes up so much of his time, and wish I could ease that for him, but I don't know if there's much I could do besides just thank him for his efforts when he DOES complete something that I KNOW takes a great deal of his mental, physical and emotional output.
J, I too take GREAT ENJOYMENT in gold smithing, which I miss TERRIBLY since being disabled. I got especially good at the waxwork, and doing one of a kind jewelry. My mother and step-father's business did very well in the New York, New Jersey area (tri-state area) and we had exceptional clients, such as celebrities, politicians, presidents and many more. It was exciting work, and I LOVED creating miniature sculptures into ANYTHING that could be "thought up". I once did a man's ring where he wanted his dog, his gun, his yacht, and his signature all on ONE RING. He gave me pictures of all of them, and it was quite an ordeal, but I got it done and it turned out pretty awesome. (I was proud of that one) The miniature signature was actually the hardest of all the sculptures to do. I found the wax sculpture to be SO RELAXING because it was SUCH FUN and such CREATIVE work. I also didn't mind the polishing, EXCEPT for how dirty it leaves your fingers. LOL.
I was also trained in NYC in the diamond district for pearl stringing, under one of the old "master pearl stringers". He taught me so much, and pearls are my FAVORITE gem because they are so unique and gorgeous. I had my own pearl business (stringing for local jewelers, and selling my own creations) but had to move and stop that particular business. (miss that also) The diamond district (where I went weekly) was, and IS "another world", but so much fun to work in.
My brother is also a GIA graduated gemologist and gold smith. He is absolutely dynamic in what he is capable of doing. But, sadly in this economy, he's had to shut down his business for a while. I never learned how to set stones, because my step-father didn't believe that was "woman's work" (sexist I know). I believe I would have been very good at it. I always wanted to learn how to use the torch. But, I learned most everything else. Jewelry shows were also a FUN part of the job. We did many Jewish temples and Jewish art exibits where the craftsmen from around the country were some of the FINEST. To me, it's SAD that so many gold smiths have turned to computers to do their work for them. I appreciate the HAND TOOLED work, which shows even slight imperfections which to me, ADD to the piece. You can NOT replace the human mind and human craftsmanship. yes, the computer will make the wax absolutely PERFECT. But, to ME.....just like music, it's the "imperfections' in them that make the HUMAN ELEMENT the pieces need to be able to RELATE to one and all, and even put LIFE into them. But, it's hard to tell hard core "computer nuts" that arguement. LOL.
Anyway......off the subject....LOL. So....ONCE AGAIN. I thank all of you for adding your struggles with ADHD and worry. It helps me once again, further understand the complexities of this thing called ADHD. Blessings to you all.