Recently there's been debate on the forum on whether it's irresponsible to carry on with problem-ridden ADHD-non marriages. When it's hard, should we just end things?

I'd like to add another perspective. Have been reading about French sociologist Eva Illouz who says women are often unhappy and emotionally unfulfilled in today's romantic relationships. This is thought to be partly because men as a group tend to use emotional distancing to excert power. I've also spoken to friends who describe a lot of anger and clashing needs in marriage. Half of marriages end in divorce, often in mid-life, at least in my country. Also, there is a lot of fighting and disharmony is all kinds of family relationships. Experts say it's because with those closest to us, we tend to express those sides of ourselves that we are least proud of.

So I'm wondering how, in challenged ADHD-non marriages, we are to know that our struggles are on a whole other scale? We're expecting living with someone to be hard. Every family is pretty impenetrable from the outside, so it's not easy to compare hardships or understand how other people's partners function. Some of us weren't aware ADHD existed. Or had no idea it was the reason for our partner's difficulties, depression, anxiety and tantrums. I also wonder whether ADHD is hugely underdiagnosed. Otherwise, why would so many women I describe the misery of marriage to untreated severe ADHD to, shrug and say: That's me and my husband exactly.

At this point, I'm amazed that any couple can stick it out for any period of time.

I feel, however, that the love issue is very complex. My feelings about my ex-husband reach over the entire spectrum and are simultaneously true, even if they show up one at a time. Still wish I could by sheer creativity have shoehorned my stressed out self and that incomprehensible mind of his into being the happy couple we once were. 

Eva Illouz also claims she doesn't believe in therapy, because our discomfort is due to structural problems in society rather than something individual that we can work to change.

If we even do change. I have this feeling I will never understand anything about the ADHD universe, and it's not for not trying. And ADHDers rarely seem to enter my universe.

I feel very humble in this. Why do we try so hard to save the relationship and the family? How should we protect ourselves when integrity is lost so gradually, so inexplicably? It's rather like being a frog in a kettle. How to defend ourselves when everyone around, family and friends, like the ADHD spouse and don't acknowledge our cries for help? We might do what I did and think the threat was outside the nuclear family. Work demands, difficult relatives, stressful society. But the reason I almost caved with stress was him.

I'd be interested to hear your views on staying or breaking up.