I read the author's blog post : " How to Find Gratitude in a Struggling ADHD-Impacted Relationship" Being the non-ADHD partner in my marriage, I have searched out what I can do to make my marriage thrive. I have swallowed my pride more times than I ever thought I could, and put on the cloak of "It must be me." I have been given "what for", and did not fight back, thinking maybe sitting in the posture of "she who made the mistake" would help the situation turn around. "She who could learn a different way to act." "She who could learn a different was to respond." "She who could learn - SOMETHING!" I have found my own limitations. I am not that strong. Even as a Christian, I was holding tight to the following : "So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up."
ADHD or not, a person can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
ADHD or not, concerns are always easier to swallow when they are sandwiched between compliments.
ADHD or not, carrots work far better than sticks.
Based on my own life's experiences, my spouse could very easily be among the number of "I cannot count the number of times an ADHD partner has said to me 'I just am never good enough for my partner.' Because criticism, rather than appreciation, is the most common comment they hear about what they do. " What I see in our marriage is the probability that 50 compliments slide right off my spouse's radar, but one area of concern becomes a monster that is stuck like Velcro to the foremost part of his being. And while it is stuck there, it inflates to obscure anything else going on in our lives.
My goal for my marriage is to determine if the only choice I have is "I must not voice a disappointment, I must not raise a concern, I must coddle, coddle, coddle, because that is all he can deal with in life, or he will crumple into a ball of sobs." That rips out my soul. After such determination to understand it, I have also grown immune to being affected by it. After years of various forms of counseling, I see it as a very effective defense mechanism. It stops all progress. Right in its tracks. At least for me, it stops all progress in getting any where near the acknowledgement I need as a human being when I voice my emotional response to something painful. Or disappointing.
These sort of things are just not conducive behaviors in the enrichment of a marriage relationship. If the bottom line is "Well dear heart, he cannot hear you, he cannot bear to say he made a mistake, he cannot do anything but what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants it done." That I can accept. That I can deal with. In as much as that is who he is as a man. Who he is as a human.
Yet, in my sensibility, those are not what makes for a healthy marriage relationship. I cannot cure what is on the other side. I can only step back and work with what is on my side.
"The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt. - G.K. Chesterton"
Liz
Liz, this is spot on. I'm
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Liz, this is spot on. I'm sorry we're in the same boat with our spouses.
no guarantee
Submitted by Standing on
What is important today - facts only
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Rosered and Standing,
Today is my Dad's 83rd birthday. I am going to visit my parents this afternoon. My spouse is going to cut firewood. He said something- which is blurred in my brain - along the lines of "Have a good time with your Dad."
I COULD request he come with me.
I COULD do all the dancing around to explain how important it is to me, and my Dad, and my family, and our nieces and nephews. Explain how his presence is desired and valued and wanted.
What I have learned is not to mention it. What I have learned is the most likely result would be akin to poking a hornet's nest with a stick. What I have learned is to feel the disappointment, yet not let it taint the day. My spouse's absence will be noticed, and the result will be like a tongue prodding the socket of a missing tooth. What I have learned is I do not have enough tools to handle the questions with the decorum of a person who is just AOK with the the situation.
Is this new stuff? No! It has always been a battle - for lack of a better word - getting my spouse to go - and I now see clearly how my life's reality was spending my time and effort and energy explaining, cajoling, and getting my spouse to go. And he went. I guess I had won the battle, but not the war.
So, I let go. Not with a dance of joy, but with wisdom.
Standing, I really get this now:
What never, ever works is trying to wring change out of another adult by altering our own behavior. We can apply the golden rule and refuse to engage in endless conflicts,
What is important is to spend some time with my Pops, celebrating his life. I will not regret that choice!
Liz
Happy Birthday to Pops!
Submitted by Standing on
Your h is free to be himself and you are free to be Liz.
My h is free to delude himself that his business is his identity and his diagnosis is irrelevant, while his marriage is ending.
Individual liberty is a blessing, even when the outcome of choices - others' or our own - leaves us feeling saddened by loss. I am disappointed and hurt by my spouse's choice, but i will not carry the burden of explaining it to anyone. He has his own mind and will... and he is the one who chose to devalue me as worthy of his investment. The tough thing for me to make peace with is the knowledge that he will likely never appreciate the missed opportunity.
This situation is your spouse's loss, Liz. Hug Pops good!
And . . .tears flow readily
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Standing,
Your words are an unexplainable sweetness that released a waterfall of tears. Not of sadness - but of some sort of relief/release. I will probably cry the whole way to my parent's house.
I realize today with utmost clarity that I never really had good skill in reading between the lines. I followed advice as "instructions." I read "You do this - and this will result." I do tend to desire an authority figure in my life, and have assigned it haphazardly without any moral compass of understanding and acceptance of my own heart.
Funny to see how my life just does not follow norms. LOL, then I was pregnant with our daughter, we called the doctor to tell her I was in labor. My second child, so I knew what was happening. The doctor asked a few questions, and by our response she "determined" I was NOT in labor. She said to just come to my scheduled appointment the next afternoon at 1. Well, we got there, she felt my baby-belly and said, "This is not labor. Now tell me when you think you are having a contraction." A few seconds later, I indicated a contraction was happening. She again laid her hand on my belly and grinned, and then said "This is Braxton-Hicks." She said she wanted to alleviate my concern and would just quickly do an internal check. Well, she did the check, got an odd look on her face,said, "You are dilated to 8. Get in your car. Drive straight to the hospital, and I will follow. Make sure you take such-and-such a route, and if I see you pulled over, I will join you.
Gosh, we got to the hospital, got to the delivery room, and within 10 minutes our daughter was here.
Truly, this woman Liz does indeed know herself. It has been I who has been in the state of denial all along.
I shall hug my Pops! And eat cake and ice cream.
Thanks for your gentle prodding. It helped me reveal in myself the truth I knew, but refused to see.
Liz
you're most welcome :)
Submitted by Standing on