After yet another long winded discussion with my ADHD husband this morning in regards to the break down in communication which leads to divorce/separation talks I wonder what's the point? Why are all the non AD spouses working so hard to make sense of the commitment to stay, in what is mostly a dissatisfying, frustrating, hurtful relationships? I have been married 23 years to a man who has for the most part made my emotional life unhealthy. I feel at this point I have become physically ill because of the years of trying to constantly adjust who I am to better cater to his inability to function as an emotionally balanced adult. I have carried the lions share of responsibility of raising three children, running our three business ( making us fairly wealthy) and spending hours and hours of my time trying unsuccessfully to explain how the counterproductive communication, no reflection on behavior and/or inappropriate responses are socially and irrationally caustic. I get the same answers ,,,,your just an angry person and its you not me. Typical ADHD answer I know...but not good enough. I asked him why am I an angry person and if you truly love your wife as you say why would you not be concerned that she is angry often rather than cast it up belligerently like its coup de grace? What if instead, you had actual concern and love for your wife and sit her down to work out solutions that foster wellness and happiness in the unit. His answer?, I just don't think that way. Nice,,,very nice and where does that leave me . Again with the ball in my court, deal with it or leave. Well, I ask why stay? If your spouse will not use self reflection and at least 25% of the empathy of understanding of which is asked of you, why even try? At his point I feel by staying I am assuming his victim role. I see no other choice as 25 years of struggling to make sense of what is not sensible ,,makes no sense. Shame on me for trying for so long. If your young with our life ahead of you head my words, think on it deeply, initial pain is difficult but years of chipping away at your soul is a life lost.
Why Keep Trying
Submitted by cotu on 07/27/2014.
Nonsense
Submitted by Standing on
Beyond the pain caused by distraction and forgetfulness and angry outbursts, and even when my husband is not badgering me or railing at me or being rude and mean, the nonsense remains. He truly does not make sense. I guess that's a natural consequence of the executive function of the brain being asleep. Whatever it is, it's a constant factor, even when other symptoms appear to be mild. It's been 10 years for us. I continue to work on boundaries and making new emotional connections (not romantic ones) outside of our marriage. I'm practicing what our counselor recommended, which is to treat each other with basic human kindness. I can tell that my husband is trying to practice that, too. Life is more calm for the past few days. However - all of the things you wrote, cotu, remain true. I am still doing all of the work, carrying all of the responsibility, and determined not to take offense at the multiple careless, thoughtless remarks which have rolled out of his mouth, despite his efforts to be kind.
I don't know what's next. Maybe he will make time to return to the counselor with me this week. Maybe some other opportunity will sparkle more brightly to him at the time. I have no clue. Feels to me like I'm left with a situation of "in sickness or in health", whereby I must not break my commitment to him, because he can't help the way he is. On the other hand, I do know that he is bright and able to learn, so - just because he "is" this way, doesn't give him an excuse not to learn to better relate. I don't see his communication style improving any decade soon, but I do believe that he can learn to at least Accept the fact that I am different from him and will not tolerate certain behaviors. He must allow me to say, "No", in the same way that a toddler must learn, without throwing a tantrum. I've raised four children and certainly don't care to begin again, but if my husband had a traumatic brain injury, I'd do everything in my power to help him face the challenges.
The way I look at it - I've had 10 years to learn what he's capable of and just how far I'm willing to stretch in toleration. I hit the wall. It's not fair. I need to get over it not being fair, because I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to get blood from a stone. I'm not the same person who married him or stayed with him for the past 10 years. That gives me hope. I can grow through this, no matter what he chooses to do. I believe that we all can, but it begins with knowing ourselves and learning where to draw boundaries.
WOW. I love what you just said.
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Just plain....WOW. I feel exactly the same way. I have changed so many things within myself to try to communicate better with my ADHD husband. He has done only very small changes, but expects LARGE praises for them. It's hard for me to abide by an huge laundry list of things to do for him, but seemingly he has TWO things.....take his meds, and go to behavior therapy sessions. (he's only taking meds, I've already had to cancel 2 therapy appoints for him and us because he was "too sick to go") So, I can't judge yet, if therapy will work, because we haven't been able to GET there yet.
I agree with what you said about "him allowing you to say "No", in the same way a toddler must learn, WITHOUT throwing a tantrum, and yelling at me for "picking on him" when I do NOT yell or scream at him. (I only talk in a calm voice as much as I possibly can) I have "hit the wall" too, it's not fair, that I have been trying "so hard", and he gets to do "so much less". I am not the same person EITHER, that I used to be, and I don't like how unhealthy I've become in living with his under-treated and out of control ADHD....Plus, his CHOOSING to keep it this way for SO LONG. I am growing through this as well, but if it comes to me leaving, for us to get healthier, than that's what I have to do. I feel sorry for him, he's missing out on SO MUCH, and I TOTALLY WISH I could CHANGE that for him. But, he's the ONLY one that has to take those initial steps within HIMSELF, and KEEP ON doing them. Thanks, Standing, (love your posts)
Dedelight, i hate feeling so powerless
Submitted by Standing on
This is where i meant to post when i returned, then got sidetracked. Imagine that :). Another day full of impulsive spending and random musings and i forgot where i was gonna post.
Today i forgot my self imposed restriction on commenting negatively about one of his business purchases. Shame on me. Still trying to unclench my jaw from his ranting reaction. I disagreed with him and he accused me of ignoring what he had said. See there? If i had really listened, then i surely would have agreed. Why must i be so badddddd. Whatever. There is no reasoning with irrational thought. But life goes on. We must make our happy moments, even if that's just a bubble bath. Please take care of yourself and let your husband stew in his own juice for now, as my Grandma used to say.
I feel this so deeply!
Submitted by justme2013 on
I understand this in a way that only a partner to an add/adhd person can. I am emotionally unhealthy, physically ill, depressed and battling anxiety. I feel I have no soul left. Life becomes a numb life-less experience. My only joy and my reward are our children. I live a double life as suffer silently and alone while smiling at play with my children. There is a darkness inside of me that I simply can not explain........but to you I am sure I don't need to explain because you understand in a way no one else can..............I wish I had wisdom, advice....something.....I only have sympathy and I am truly sorry you feel the way that I do as I wouldn't wish it upon anyone except maybe my husband......
Best description i've read.
Submitted by ChrisChris on
Best description i've read.
yes!
Submitted by lucy11 on
justme2013- well said! I feel so alone all of the time. I can have a long conversation with my partner and yet I don't think she heard a thing I said. She's always busy doing something but nothing that is ever productive. I can't just get her to sit down and listen. There is just no time for me in her busy life. I have an emptiness inside if me that I don't know how to get rid of.
ditto.
Submitted by julie jay on
ditto. except i don't even have the joy of having children...i get to interact with his grandkids who live a state away from time to time, and that gives me a little joy, but that's about it. thank GOD for my job and some form of structure, or i'd really be REALLY crazy.
I'm so sorry
Submitted by rough road on
I feel exactly as you do. I wish I had answers. Being in love with an ADHD partner is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I feel paralyzed and afraid for my son, whom I love with all of my heart! But I feel so empty and lost... and scared to make the wrong decision...what if there is hope and I break up our family...what if there is no hope, he can't change and we hurt our child with our dysfunctional relationship. I hate the lies and what he has done to my whole family. I hate the choices I have before me...nothing seems OK
Hope
Submitted by cotu on
Please do not feel like there is no hope. Whether the marriage ends or rearranges there is always hope for a better way. Granted the choices are very hard. Surround yourself with people who support your decision to be healthy mentally and emotionally so you can be the best mother you can. Allow yourself some time alone and journal your feelings, then re read them to give you insight into exactly how you are feeling. I often get wrapped up in the confusion of the ADHD and can not even figure out my own feelings! There may be possible ways to temp remove yourself from the situation and attend counseling even if its just you who goes. Your ADHD partner can listen when they have to. Be strong, be gently firm and be heard. You deserve to enjoy the life that you were given, your parents gave life to you!, as you have to your son. That life is a gift. Allow your friends and family to know what you are going through and accept that there are just some things you can not change or control. But you can change and direct your own life and bring your son with you into a healthy place ( in or out the home) . Try to set clear boundaries and plan your day/events/life in ways that makes you happy. Your ADHD partner may just follow you. Life can be rough,,trust me I know, but we can try to find and see what is good. Plan happy times with you and your son, library, park, picking out dinner , cooking. When you are strong and feeling happy , you will better know what you want to do. Best of luck in your journey and know that you are not alone in your struggle.
Whether... or not!
Submitted by Standing on
This is good news, cotu. There truly is always hope for each individual. If we consider ourselves trailblazers of a sort and are willing to keep placing one foot in front of the other on that road toward health and wholeness, then at some point we will look around and either see our mate standing alongside or back there in the dust. I believe it. Thank you.
same here
Submitted by dedelight4 on
"There is a darkness inside of me that I simply can not explain........but to you I am sure I don't need to explain because you understand in a way no one else can..............I wish I had wisdom, advice....something.....I only have sympathy and I am truly sorry you feel the way that I do as I wouldn't wish it upon anyone except maybe my husband......"
Very good description. Same here. There is an emptiness and a hole that stays because the place where I would like my husband to be is a place where he ISN'T. They continue to stay so incredibly disengaged. I've often wondered WHY do they ask people to marry them/ or get married? What is going through their mind at the time? Is it just another shiny "new" thing, or what? It doesn't seem to ever register in their minds, that marriage is a partnership, with BOTH people sharing their lives. (not talking to the persons on here with ADHD who are working VERY HARD on their ADHD and are truly, loving people)
Options
Submitted by cotu on
Thank you both for sharing. I agree , even though I do have wonderful friends who try to support me with this marriage, one can not really understand the intensity of the feelings unless they are themselves involved. I understand feeling like there are no choices left when the partner can not or will not contribute to resolution. Children involved sets the dial even higher as your options lessen for practical reasons and/or the commitment to the little beings you brought into the world. I do believe that unless there is abuse, violence, or one partners ability to function as a whole parent under the stress ;that most children do better when both their parents are in the home. My youngest just graduated college but I do have grandchildren and adult children who would "feel" a divorce potentially bringing others into the family circle ect. With that said children do emulate and I would hate to think I am setting the example that ones own happiness is last on the totem pole. What has got me by for these 23 odd years is a clear sense of self and setting expectations on how I can be spoken to and what I will not put up with under any circumstances. I held my ground to the point where I did leave when he consistently refused to not honor my boundaries and began to show violence. Most importantly I created a full life with years of semi pro sports and a close circle of friends. I would take my children on trips on my own so I could spend quality time with them without the constant pulling from my ADHD husband to give him attention. I agree with the first poster as well that my husband does have a choice and he can behave better when I will not back down, but, IM getting older now and I don't want a constant battle,,I'm tired. To all you ladies out there struggling with this, please get support , do not do this alone, you can not. The children need at least one fully functioning adult if you have them, and ones own life deserves top billing. Seek out counsel from friends/clergy/family, whomever you can trust to hear you and not judge you. I'm not sure what I will choose to do yet, but I am not putting the worth of my life on hold anymore. Its nice to know that there are people who can hear you and feel you. I would often say to my friends things like "The world according to D@@" or the theme song is "Ball of Confusion",,or when they ask how it is going I would say "he is speaking in tongues again" Id ask him " are you Jekyll or Hyde today?"..its not funny, by any means but finding a way to try to separate yourself from the ADHD behavior and see you looking in as not a cause of it nor a participate sometimes helps melt the anger and frustration. A kind of giving it up to the higher power. On the flip side when the good D@@ is present he is sweet and kind and caring unfortunately, it may not be enough
Cotu, about getting older..
Submitted by Standing on
Are finances an area of concern for you? As I get older and my husband remains perpetually young, I am afraid to find out what will happen when his current business fails, as i expect it ultimately will. I do not see him allowing me to put him on a budget. What i do foresee is a constant battle to reign in his spending, while I give up all peaceful enjoyment of retirement, since he and i share no common interests. I just don't think i can do it. Even if he returned to his pre-business-owner, slightly less egomaniacal state, it would still be All about him, All of the time, and all of his preoccupations have required massive amounts of attention and funding. So - even if he is less mean and nasty, what will become of me? That scares me.
The money trap
Submitted by cotu on
Yes, they are/were worries with finances. Year 3 into the marriage, I had a rude awaking when I went into his "office" to try to help, given, there was no money coming in from his cabinet business and found bills months in arrears. Phone/electricity/water all notices to shut off. Accounts receivable ,,,a mess. The kids were little and I thought holy crap, I'm in deep here, so , I took over and came up with a plan to buy and renovate houses. He did the work I managed the money. We got by ( with me working 14/15 hour days )and now are in a fairly good financial situation , however, I need to constantly watch him. He puts us in insane situations as in just giving cart blanch to a tenant to rip out walls and change the electrical without permits/inspections or even licensed contractor or liability insurance. Somehow though, I am the ass for questioning this,he is sorry so he says for "messing up" and get off my back!. We are in CA the top litigious state in the US, this is quite a "mess up". The mean and nasty is a ploy to take away from the actions. "offense is the best defense" I am sure you are entitled to at least 1/2. I would take it and put it aside for yourself. This is survival. Let him take his half and do what he wishes but not touch yours. It may however require some legal advice to protect it. Best of luck,,unfortunately, our spouses condition is relatively new and we are not supported as we would if we were say, a person married to someone who is psychotic. We would be counseled I bet, to protect ourselves the best we could and to remove ourselves when we are in danger,,physically, mentally or emotionally. Clear standards of medication and behavior would be supported by the medical field and our community, as it is we flounder trying to make sense of what ,,,,is senseless. Do I have some compassion and empathy?, some, Id have more if he would have shown me more. Alas, it really is our choice to stay, and that is the bottom line,,,,,
Thanks, cotu, this helped.
Submitted by Standing on
"The mean and nasty is a ploy to take away from the actions." Indeed! He can think I'm the ass for questioning, all day long, but that does not force me to roll over and play dead like a helpless victim of his whims. And it does not force me to behave like an ass, either.
I've spent so much time with him since he started this business that I've become like a sponge for his nonsense. Counseling and this forum are helping me to remember who I am, and I am not the dull-thinking, uncreative, plodding sod he apparently thinks I am when I question his brilliant ideas.
Time for a new view. Instead of seeing this as something he did and I've been dragged along for the ride, I'm going to begin thinking of myself as half owner, Thank you!!
Good Idea
Submitted by cotu on
Your very welcome. Stay strong and true to yourself. Take control of your own life you cant fix his. Stand up for what is yours.Obvioulsy , your an intelligent, caring woman, he who puts others down to build themselves up is just being a bully. Its sad as bullies are coming from a place of fear...however, not your making. Our children are adults but they still need the matriarch and the happier, healthier and successful we are makes for a much stronger and meaningful family life. I am woman hear me roar! (:!!!- With that said best to gently grab those financials ,,,,in a let me help you way.
Smiling and roaring
Submitted by Standing on
:) I will remember your counsel, cotu, thanks again!
same here getting older
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I'm also worried about being older now. I can't take the continued battle with the undertreated ADHD, and denial. Being in so much physical pain now, I can't function like I used to, and the daily stress of what I was dealing with before seems compounded. How can the spouse of an uncaring ADHD person "retire"? We CAN'T. We don't get to retire from their inability to function. And, with no money now, I can't get out on my own either.....not many choices.
I understand
Submitted by esb on
I have a spouse who is in recovery from alcohol addiction in addition to having ADHD, both creating different and difficult personality issues. I posted earlier about his losing several jobs and we have been married for 10 years with 3 children. In a support group I belong to we try to "detach with love". This means that I am supportive of my husband, but I am not invested in the outcome of his actions. I have boundaries in place to help me protect myself. If he is in a terrible mood I let him know that I can't talk to him until he calms down and I leave the room. I am in the process of trying to become financially independant, but as a teacher that is going to be quite a struggle with three small children. I still love my husband, but it is hard that he has remained emotionally stunted since his early twenties. We separated for about 6 months while he worked on some anger issues, but he wouldn't even consider it until he came home and the kids and I were gone... this last job loss has put him in a place where he is uncomfortable enough that he is going to get help. We will see how that goes. I try not to be angry or resentful. He has to deal with a lot more on a daily basis than I do... and I have better tools to deal with it.
Hi Cotu....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's hard to see the water hydrant when you're standing in the fire;)...You are angry...most everyone on here is angry or has been angry...it sounds like your husband is fine though ;)....I suggest you step away and breathe and breathe and breathe aweeeee! See yourself, get over the anger...Then make a decision about that commitment question you asked us about at the beginning of your post....You will never control him, but you can tear your own health down carrying around stress and anxiety. My heart acted up (skipping and speeding up), and I have never had a heart problem. You've got to let it go!...Blessings Cotu...I wish the very best for you..and your marriage...