C ur self, this is another form of boundaries.... and this is why boundaries are necessary. Found this online. I know this to be true but have never seen it put in words so clearly. If you both are nice to each other, that is a good partnership. If one is nice and partnering but the other takes it for granted...then you may be too nice to that person and they do not respect you or put in the energy to care for you or the relationship.
1) Nice People Do Not Make Their Partners Invest Whoever is doing the favors will fall in love. But, whoever is receiving the favors probably will not fall in love. The person that invests feels love. The person receiving the investment may not feel anything. Moral of the story—don't be "nice" and do everything. Make your partner invest in you and the relationship too. Remember, when they DO FOR YOU, is when they fall in love. If they refuse to invest in the relationship, however, then they may never love you back.
2) Nice People Reward Bad Behavior. People learn from the consequences of their behavior. When they perform a behavior and are rewarded, they tend to do the same thing again. In contrast, when they perform a behavior and are punished, they tend to shy away from that behavior in the future. Well, nice people tend to treat their dates and mates very well. All the time. EVEN, when they don't deserve it. The nice person often "thinks" that such good treatment will one day be recognized. But, they fail to recognize what they are TEACHING their partner by treating them well under all conditions. As a result, nice people get walked all over. By being nice all the time, they actually encourage others to treat them badly.
3) Nice People Are Too Available. Generally, we believe whatever is scarce, or requires work to obtain, is valuable. Whatever is easy to get, or common, is probably cheap. Unfortunately for nice people, they are anything but scarce. They are eager to please. They are always agreeable to dropping their life and rushing over to their date or mate. They make time, dote, acquiesce, and try to be as convenient and easy as possible. Nevertheless, the bad boys and divas are scarce. That scarcity makes them SEEM valuable. Their unavailability and breaking plans makes them look confident and important. Making others work to earn their time gives the illusion that their time is valuable.
So, learn from the jerks and divas—but don't emulate them completely. Simply get your partners to invest in you back, as you invest in them. Further, only reward them when they deserve it and ignore them when they don't. Also, make them accommodate you too and don't let your life revolve around them. This will show them that you are a valuable and attractive person with some self-respect. Then, you can still be a decent person and find love...without being so nice others walk all over you.
Well stated
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Dr. Phil said " we teach others how to treat us."
I didn't realize it at the time but that's exactly what I did in my marriage.
I accepted my ex husband as he was, and due to the toxic nature of our relationship, I decided to divorce. I gave him a thousand second chances to do better, to be better and he blew it every time.
Currently practicing #3
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
I used to be inclined to answer a call or text immediately from a love interest. I don't do that now. Not because I am trying to play games but because I don't want to set the precedent that my time is not valuable or that I don't have other things going on in my life. Even if that other thing is as simple as relaxing on the couch with a book or a podcast.
For example: I matched with someone recently online and after a bit we exchanged numbers... we texted just confirm "this is me/you" and then he wanted to call me, however it was nearly 10pm. I said no, it's late, but let's arrange to talk earlier in the evening one day this week. Even though it was at least an hour before I intended to go to bed. To his credit, he did not push. Good signs all around. I set a boundary and he respected it.
Same with someone else I was texting with last night. It was getting late and I offered to talk voice briefly. He didn't take me up on it but kept texting instead... Well, I wasn't going to just keep texting all night long so I excused myself to go wind down for the evening. Again, to his credit - he simply said goodnight and let's talk soon.
Similarly when I meet someone for a date, I am not doing all the planning anymore. They need to step up and meet halfway. I'll pick the time if you pick the place... that sort of thing. If they do try to put it off on me, I find it a HUGE turn off and I generally don't continue.
I watch very carefully how people react to me setting a limit or saying no, these days. If they react badly, we don't move forward.
For me, this kind of thing applies not just to romantic relationships but to friends or family as well. Sister who expects you to drop everything and do for them "because family"... friend who gets upset if you don't pick up the phone right away.. etc.
Practicing self-value skills FTW!
Hmmm,..Dear Jenna...
Submitted by c ur self on
IMO there is much wrong with this article (concept)....To name a few 1) It's never wrong to be nice...(If you are being taken advantage of it's not your sin, and we always have the option of not engaging or walking away from the bad behavior) 2) This whole concept is manipulation, and an attempt to control another person's behavior (eye for eye) and not wise in my opinion....3) Real Love is much more than being nice. Bad boys and divas as you call them, (people who use others for personal gain or pleasure) are possibly living for this life only (no thought of eternity)....
IMO again, the reason so many women (and men) pull concepts like this out of the internet hat, and title them as good information to live by is, because of our desperation to be truly loved and cared for by our spouses....I"ve done similar many times in my desperation (Seeking for what I view as God's plan for marriages)...But at the end of the day, if I keep having to make attempts to force ( eye for an eye living) my spouse into loving me. It will will never be real, and it will always need repeated, because it's a mirage that will never last....
Yes, boundaries are good when we have huge differences in life styles... And they may even create some semblance of mutual respect...But, I don't think they can teach a heart to Love...By accepting my spouse as she is...I've learned to be a much better husband and person (calm and at peace)....I could write you a very long list (have so many times.. lol) of things she makes important, that I think (know) hinders our unity and creates chaos in our lives. But it's who she, and it will only change as her heart changes....And, by being a NICE person (someone she can trust to not treat her as a project to fix) I've experienced a renewed effort by her, in many aspects of our marriage....Some times when things have been so bad for so long...IF we are not careful, we can assign negative motive where none was intended...
We can't make our life (excusing our sin, giving and receiving love, etc..) about another person, even our spouse....I think you are awesome, and possess a heart that is capable of so much love....It's OK to not allow yourself to be taken advantage of...(walk away)....But just remember, enabling isn't being nice....If you and I do some act (or acts) of service for our spouse, we need to do it for one reason only...LOVE...If we are doing it for any other reason our minds usually start down the wrong road....
c
You sound like a person who
Submitted by Alone on
You sound like a person who has a strong faith in God. That is wonderful!!! I too have a strong faith and it is even stronger now since my husband filed for a divorce. See my husband is an aetheist. Which concerns me very much. I truely believe that is part of our problem. I did love my husband where he was at but if you give alittle they take a lot. He was gone most weekends doing his thing. When his thing involved spending time with another woman that put me over the edge. Because of my faith I try hard to trust God and do good. I’m glad to hear you have found peace and that you are still together. My husband ignored me to a point that I did not exist. I felt like he loathed me. How can people not care? I think it is his lack of faith.
Keep up the good fight Sister....
Submitted by c ur self on
When a person is blind to where life truly comes from...They just grasp for it any where....According to the gospel you were right to stay with him as long as he would stay...(your life was a witness to him)...But, the gospel also say's if an unbeliever leaves a believer, you are not bound....We need to be equally yoked.....
Blessings Alone
C
To "Alone" - I am an atheist.
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
Trust me when I say there are plenty of atheists that are kind, loving, considerate, altruistic people who treat others with dignity and respect.
You might consider that your situation is an individual behavioral issue rather than an overarching religious issue.
I was being nice
Submitted by jennalemone on
C, I changed the title of this from "Why nice guys finish last..." It was, I agree, not a phrase I like to hear either. Maybe being nice is just not always appropriate in all cases. In my case I was more than nice. I was too nice. I knew I was giving 150% to this relationship from the start and there is where I made the mistakes. I thought if I loved enough and gave enough of myself, I would be loved. I loved but it was not returned and I was disrespected so often that it was ruining me. I knew it but I didn't know what to do about it. H just didn't show me love or even partnership. It is draining to be in a partnership with a delinquent child responding rather than a cooperative man in love. So in that realm, I was a nice person and, in the relationship, I lost. In some cases there are no ways to keep love alive when the person you love is not even nice back to you. I write not because I am looking for answers anymore. I realize that I should not have tried so hard to keep this all together with nice cooperation, which turned into compromising too much, which turned into me being resentful. But I didn't know better at the time...all those years of disappointment. As Melissa says, you must grieve the relationship you expected but don't have. I didn't grieve it or accept it. I had rose colored glasses....which I believe I was taught to put on....that and denial tactics. My mother told me to act "As if" when things are not good. In other words to act as if things are good and then things will BE that way for you. I was not taught how important it is to stand up for yourself even if those around you don't agree with you. Now I do accept and I grieve the decades of my life where I was nice and loving. Today I am not only ignored but wrongly blamed and hated by the person I supported and loved. And I am resentful...not the way I would have liked myself to be today. My love has turned into resentment. C, you are a better person than I am. I am losing faith in men and also the faith of my childhood. I also think American culture right now is having an impact on my ability to trust and have faith in being nice. So many people are living lives of entitlement and greed. Being nice is starting to seem stupid to me. If the world is playing games of winners and losers and you just say prayers and hope for love but love doesn't come, you remember the best way to insanity is to do the same wrong thing over and over. Change myself to be a winner and not a loser? Yes, that would take some manipulation of myself and others. I am just looking at life and realizing that I was the one who did not fight, or manipulate to make things better. I was being nice. I feel like a loser. I have been weak and without voice. I'm just venting things that have been on my mind that I have been stuffing and hoping these feelings would go away. But they haven't just gone away. I guess I feel that if I give these true feelings out to my friends and family, it would be a downer to them and selfish so I don't say these things. So there I am without a true voice. I stuff things. Before I was married, I would say things that were on my mind. I am not naturally an introvert but after being married and giving so much of myself away, I have become quiet and stunted. I have not flourished in this union. Just venting and grieving the me who once was.
Hugs, Jenna
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
It's when I read posts like this that I wish we all lived in the same area and could meet once a week or month to support each other. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and tell you I know how you feel and tell you that I understand the regret and feelings of hopelessness. I understand that these things are every day... it hits you at 3 a.m. when you know you won't fall back to sleep. It hits you when a cruel comment is hurled for no good reason. It hits you when you are still cleaning up or making a delicious dinner for someone who will not appreciate it. It hits you when you are covering for him and have no idea why you still do, even subtly, to family and friends.
I understand how it feels to look back at childhood messages and programming and wonder how my parents could let me grow up thinking certain things to be true.
I know you said you are not writing for answers anymore. I just wanted to say that your niceness has paid off in many ways, no doubt, with your other relationships. I bet your children are better off for the kindhearted mom you were and are to them. I bet you are the most fiercely loyal friend anyone could have.
I am sorry for what you are feeling and what you have gone through - and are still going through. It is an awful, every-day physical and emotional pain and I just wanted you to know that I get it.
So true Melody.....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's when I read posts like this that I wish we all lived in the same area and could meet once a week or month to support each other. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and tell you I know how you feel and tell you that I understand the regret and feelings of hopelessness. I understand that these things are every day... it hits you at 3 a.m. when you know you won't fall back to sleep. It hits you when a cruel comment is hurled for no good reason.
I too have thought about this many times Melody...I would fly to a gathering of non's (those that are living my life, in many ways) just to be in their company for a time of support...We need our own therapy!....
c
What if you had someone matching your love Jenna?
Submitted by c ur self on
Would you be wrong to give it? If you had married a husband that matched your 150%, would you be wrong to give it?...What if he worked beside you, told you everyday how beautiful you were, and much he loved you, (and showed you by his kindness, and faithfulness) would you still be wrong for being nice?...Would you serve and love him back, or would you take advantage of him?
NEVER allow yourself to identify with his inability to Love, to be kind or to have a heart that can be touched....I understand you have suffered much abuse trying to match his unconcern and selfishness with loving efforts...You have spent years trying to be good enough!...Jenna we can never be good enough to make someone Love and Respect us, who doesn't have the ability to do that....I feel your pain, just as you have felt mine....You are not him!....
I hear you Jenna....You have loved and worked at it for years with no results....So you are blaming yourself (angry with yourself) for putting so much of yourself into a relationship with a spouse that is seemly none observant of your efforts and is mostly indifferent or hurtful....
Every thing you keep hating about yourself, most caring men would kill for....You need to get it!....Loving efforts and kindness is never bad....Maybe you need to separate for a while, so you can get a view of yourself, without relating to him....I worry about you...He has gaslighted you, until you struggle to see yourself as an individual unrelated to his uncaring ways....
I'm not nicer than you....I just finally allowed myself to quit wanting what isn't there....It's not what do I want Jenna....It's what is possible? I have hope in someone much bigger than a women and this earthly life...That's where my peace comes from....
(((( ))))) Tight hugs <3
c
Jenna
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Thank you for your post. I can empathize with what you have been through. What you said sounds like what I went through with my Ex-husband. I was too nice most of our marriage, stuffing down how I felt, not setting boundaries and not standing my ground. I hated who I became.
Sending you a virtual hug.
Too nice
Submitted by Alone on
I too am sending you a virtual hug!!! I think we all could use one!!! I can’t believe your post. How right on you are!!! You totally described my entire marriage!! I have been in counseling for awhile now. But my therapist helped me a lot. Here is another way of looking at this. Let’s say my husbands name is Dan and my name is Lynn. I was being Mrs. Dan the caretaker, housekeeper, cook, gardener, etc. when I should be myself Lynn. We have duel personalities. Normal relationships have two separate people. I became Mrs. Dan out of survival. I thought the more I did for him, or the nicer best wife I could be . He would show me kindness back and love. Instead I got a husband that puts more time and energy into his newest passion than I ever got in our entire marriage!!! Now he wants a divorce. The funny thing about it is he has asked to talk to me several times. He never had time to talk outside the 1 hour of marriage counseling we had a week . Wow when they want something they can be very focused!! It’s hard because we believe that all that time and effort we put into our spouses that someday we would reap the reward of a loving, caring human being. Good luck Jenna!! It’s time you started being Jenna and not Mrs ( name of spouse).